This week SD was at our home. SD left today for a 1-1/2 week vacation with her grandmother (dad’s side). WW did a good job of being home for SD for about 2 days this week. Then it was 3 days of excuses why WW couldn’t be home. SD is starting to really get mad that her mom isn’t even home now when she is. SD said something to me about it and I said, “Well, you know your mom doesn’t really want to be around me anymore.” - WW told SD a while back that we were splitting up and they were moving out. SD then said to me, “She could at least be home for [DS] and me.”

SD, DS, & I all had a good fun week when WW was gone. We went to the pool, played mini-golf, went to my parents one day and SD had a friend stay over one night (WW was gone that night). It was really a good time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, WW came home today and wanted to take DS to the zoo. So, WW, DS and I went to the zoo and did a few other things today. WW said that she just can’t find somewhere “acceptable” to live on her budget, so will likely really stay at home this school year. Wow, I thought for sure there was no way she would do that, she was so intent on getting out. This isn’t like her to give up that easy. SD will be surprised to learn that she is staying when she gets back home – she has been telling some of her friends good-bye.

So, now I have a small problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . On one hand, this is sort of what I wanted (WW staying home, at least occasionally). But on the other hand, the last couple weeks it has been really sort of nice when she wasn’t around. I have come to question whether I really even want her back. It would be nice to keep SD around, but WW really could go and I don’t think I would care now. Do I really want her back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ? Do I really want to continue Plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ? Or do I now want her to just get out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I’m sort of torn, but now leaning toward her getting out.

I know her affair is still going strong. She has been to his house most of the time she is not here. At the zoo today she got at least two calls from him and I overheard her making plans for tonight and saying she loved him and stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . This is crap, now she doesn’t even try and hide it from me, and she wants to stay at home. If she stays now it could really start to suck around the house.

What has Plan A gotten me into? I can’t believe that it has maybe worked well enough that she doesn’t have the extreme need to leave that she did a month ago. Or is it that she is just using me – cheap/free rent, babysitter – until she does have enough to get out? I feel like I am in the fog now, but I am not having the A. My hair will be gray (if I have any left – pulling it out) before I turn 34.

You have to know your limits with Plan A, and it sounds like you've reached yours. YOu can only plan A until you feel your love slipping and your want and desire for the person slipping as well. Some people can plan A for a long time, for others it's very short.


It may be time to set down some "yes you can stay here, but only with. . . " rules. Like NC and MC, and stick by them, mean them.

Or it may be time for you to go to plan B -- let SD know that she is always welcome.

For myself knowing that my husband was sleeping with OW#2 and I was home .. I couldn't do that -- did that with A#1 and every night to deal with my pain I tore up my bedroom.

way2

Dear lost - agree with way2 - I don't think it is fair to you to have her move back in and continue this affair - that is going to destroy anything you may have left for her.

You have to set boundaries, if she wants to move home she needs to stop this affair - and spend that year working on M, if this is not ok than she will have to keep searching for another place

Sandy

Lost at Exit 93:

I read your reply to my post (MB-ers: Caught between Plan A & Plan B) and jumped over here. I hate to tell you this; but your situation is more severe than mine. (Or at least what I'm being told!) If I were you; I would jump directly to Plan B ASAP. I agree with Way2 & S1000.

The problem is this; We get devastated by the "realities" surrounding the A; and IF WE CHOOSE TO TRY & SAVE THE MARRIAGE, we are then forced to lower our "bar" of morality, standards, beliefs and so on to points that we never dreamed of. Then it's like; "OK, where do I stop!" "How far do I lower this bar?" This really comes back to personal choice; which you will have to make. But boundaries are important to your sanity. I suggest Plan B. Good Luck Brother!!

Lost -

I think your Plan A is working. I would do it for awhile longer. There are lots of ups and downs along the way.

Many times I decided I didn't want WH back. Your wife is still deeply in the fog. However I would set some boundaries. Tell her, very calmly, that it is painful for you when she talks to OM in your presence.

Example of a convo w/a WS in transit:

BS: 'well hon, our family love the W and mother that loved us but you have morphed into another being foreign to us. Since your actions are hurtful (talking with OM and such), you will have to leave.'

WS: Where will I go? (selfish response)

BS: I don't know.

WS: You don't love me. (selfish response)

BS: As you are? No. I thought you replaced us with the OM.

WS: Well I love you 2. (batting eye lashes and fighting tears). (selfish response)

BS: Well we can't live on less than 100% of your love for our family. Guess you gotta go.

WS: Where will I go? (selfish response)

BS: I don't know.

WS: Why are you so mean to me? (manipulative response)

BS: I am not, you are making this choice. Please stop hurting our family.

WS: I want to stay at home. (again as a selfish demand, because no reason given).

BS: Why?

WS: Because then I will have a place to live. (selfish response identified).

BS: Nope, not good enough a reason. Please leave by __/__/__ at: __ :__ am/pm.

WS: I need to be with the children. They need their mother. (manipulative attempt)

BS: Yes they do need their mother. I need my W. Please go find her. I believe she is lost out there without a home and family. When you find her, tell her we love her and want 'her' to come back. Please tell her that the WS and the WS' hurtful acts are not welcomed in our family but we love our real mother and wife.

The walk away.

Can u do this?

L.

ditto believer

This is a golden opportunity to Plan A up close.

I detect that you are evaluating your wife's statements as if she was a rational person. You know this isn't the case.

Evaluate her actions and the biggie here is that she has decided to stay home. I guarantee you it's got more to do with her hesitation about her affair than about economics.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.

Orchid's approach may work and it would be the preferred approach had you already been in Plan B. A problem with it is that you may not be able to legally keep her out of your home. This presumes you do not already have a separation agreement which usually is best to have before Plan B.

WAT

There was no separation agreement and I have not been in Plan B. Also, she has not technically moved out. She has been staying with OM or other friends a lot, but has also been home some nights. She still gets her mail at home and stuff.

Had she actually moved out, we would probably either be getting divorced in a few months or there would probably be some sort of temporary custody something happening. We got in an argument a while back about her going to school and working full time and trying to also keep DS as much as she wanted if she moved out. (Refer to my post on 7/26/04 "Will she stay or will she go?")

I have been Plan A-ing a lot and still am, even though I now feel like if she left, it really wouldn't matter anymore. I think I will stick it out a while longer to see what happens when school starts up and she has very little free time. I guess I'm hoping that maybe when the pressure of work and school and kids are all on her again, she will become a little more responsible and begin to wake up. If not, I think I'm about ready to be done with her.