My wife recently left me after a big argument. She went home to see her parents who are about 3 hours drive away. She knew OM as a good friend of her side of the family. I've met this OM but not friendly with him (never really talk to him much as he seems to avoid me alot). OM recently got divorced after supposingly from a bitter marriage and always seems around her parents house when she is up there (last 3 summers). Everytime I called her, my kids would answer the phone and tells me mom with OM. When I asked her she'll say,"OM is just a friend and he is helping me with my parents estate" or came over to talk. This time, they seem to spent a lot of time together. He is sharing his problems with my wife and using the kids as an excuse to be with her as he has one child from previous marriage. Everytime I called she is with him. I asked her if there is anything more than friends she gets upset and tells me I'm being jealous. They seem to make "fun plans" with the kids without my knowledge, for example they were going out of town to a water park. And the only day I was available to visit her and the kids, she insist I changed my plan...after being persistent she finaly admits that she and OM and the kids have made prior arrangements. I got upset and felt I should have been told. She kept saying I'm always jealous and don't like her having male friends. Am I being out of line? this happens quite frequently while she was up there visiting her folks.

No you are not out of the line. Your wifes relationship with this man is absolutely inappropriate! So get busy reading everything on the MB home page regarding infidelity. Read, read, post, post, ask questions, lean on us. You have your work cut out for you right now.

Weaver

By the way, welcome! ...it's a big club

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

dumbdad, I am very sorry you are here. The best advice I can give you is to read everything you can on this website and prepare for the worst. The best book you can get to help yourself is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get it on this forum or in a bookstore.

I would suggest going into Plan A right away. That means no lovebusters, ie: no angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements or demands. Look for any opportunity to meet her needs.

The next most important thing will be to EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE her affair! This is one of the single most effective moves a BS can make because it causes the affair partners great embarrassment and causes them to question thier actions.

What do her parents say about all this? Are they supporting this affair? Are the children with her?

Have you talked to her parents about your concerns?

I've asked her mom several times and she said her daughter kept insisting they were just friends. Tonight, my WW just informed me that OM is going to bring his daughter to meet my daughter at a fair out of town (like 60 miles away). It was heart wrenching but what else can I do. What difference would it be if your son and OW son plays soccer and both of you ride in the same car. I have to trust her. I've found out that she had been in contact with him since she got back but telling me it was only recently since they had promised the kids that they will go to the fair. Now I'm really confused, luckily I still have dose of wellbutrin in my system. If not I would have gone bonkers.

Welcome DD, and my sympathies as well...

If you have been reading this site you already know that, no, in fact not only do you not have to trust her..you shouldn't. You should never trust anyone [including yourself] who is willfully putting themselves in an inappropriate situation. No one is above temptation, and rationalizing will just make it hurt more when the truth outs.

However many steps they have taken into an affair the time to act is now . I would advise that you become very familiar with the MB [marriage builders] concepts, they will be a usefull tool in days to come. You don't need anyone to point out the specifics regarding the nature of the situation..you already know..you have spotted him as a potential threat for some time now. The situation is made more complicated because she has left you...what exactly does that mean? Has she ended the marriage? Gone for a long vacation? If you said point blank that you are very uncomfortable with her relationship with this man and wanted it to end right this instant..would her response be defensive of the relationship...or that she didn't owe you any explanations [as you are no longer in a position to ask from her perspective]? Tricky, very tricky. At any rate..seek help, if you intend to fight for this marriage, arm yourself well and strategically, and please continue posting...many here have been where you are going, and the icing on the cake..many have been where your wife is going, they will gladly console/advise/or whack you over the head with the logic stick...Best of luck--Noodle