Last night after a day of pulling teeth with my WH and lots of anger and on both sides, he left to take the boys to the movies. He called a couple of times to see how I was - let me know where he was.

I decidded ot use my time to take a power nap (since I've only been sleeping 3-4 hours a night for the last month - I thought this would be a good use of my time). I then got up, cleaned my sons rooms, made their beds, starightened up the house in general and sat down to pay some bils.

When he came home with the boys I was very polite and especially sweet - relaxed I would say. I told him I was sorry for the way I had acted earlier and for my angry outburst, and that I really didn't want him to leave. He looked at me confused and said he just doesn't get me - I am up and down so much with my emotions. And he seemed angry - when I asked him if something was wrong he said yes - but not with me but him.

After the boys were all tucked in I returned to my basement office to finsh up the paperwork I had started. I was perfectly content to clean up, file some papers and then quietly say good night and go to bed. After about 5 minutes he came downstairs. He wasn't sure why - but he sat in my office and began talking - asking me questions, talking about him self - about the lack of emotional trust between us, how he feels he cant trust OW because her emotions have always been stable. He described her as his best friend and that's what it really comes down.

I listnened more - no anger no tears - just listened. When we were both getting uncomfortable in my office chairs I made a move to change - maybe even to just quietly draw this to a close and go to bed. Darned if he didn't want to talk for another hour in the family room - 3.5 hours we talked. Afterwards he said he was more confused then before he talked to me - when I asked him why he said he wasn't sure. As we were getting into bed he said he'd put his finger on it - Why was I so devoted to him - when I asked what did he mean - he said why did you sit with me and show me so much attention this evening - I said simply - I love you and I want to know and understand who you are. He suggested we talk some more today - I will let him make the first move...

And that was it - but the point is - I finally set myself aside - my hurts and selfish demands, my anger and frustration and he noticed a change - he said so - and he was drawn to it.

SO lesson learned - I will work hard to keep myself in a kind and loving place and work hard to fill what ever needs I can.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 09:05 AM: Message edited by: Jfaye ]</small>

Is one of his top needs conversation? If so, you may have just found the way to his heart. If he could get this need met in his marriage, he wouldn't need the OW. Have you taken the emotional needs questionaires? Read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley?

I am not sure if it's conversation as much as being understood - if that makes sense. For instance one thing he said last night is that he would really like us to share music - he was a music major in school - plays instuments and specailized in voice (a gorgeous tenor). He is upstairs practicing right now - I went up and asked if I could sit and listen and he said he was just practicing. I am not a musician - I enjoy it - ahve gone to concerts and such - can be moved by music - but OW is a composer - I will never be that.

Did you already send that letter to her H?

No I haven't sent the letter yet - they are away on a 25th Anniversay cruise this week.

No I haven't sent the letter yet - they are away on a 25th Anniversay cruise this week.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Jfaye ]</small>

Gotcha. Have you thought about calling him first to make sure the letter doesn't get intercepted? See, if she intercepts that letter and realizes you are trying to expose her, you can expect her to tell her H a very spun version of the truth.

And when an OP is cornered like this, they often tell a very innocent version with the BS [YOU]starring as the jealous nut. "we are just platonic friends and his wife is a jealous psycho who suspects any woman who just looks at him!" This is REAL typical!

So by the time you do get through to the OWH, your credibility is shot because he thinks you are a nutjob.