The weekend I dreaded has happened...I posted about a week my H had asked for to take my D up north to a cottage. I had said no to a week and I had posted about it. For many reasons, I had disagreed with it. My D has never gone anywhere with H overnight. Due to nothing legal being in process, do I owe him that? No....but

I compromised. I told him 2-3 days and I will come up on the first to set her up. He was going with another couple she didn't know and kids she had never met. Fine, he said.

The couple asked me to come over to meet with them. I took D earlier this week. They felt really bad about this. Said that I was welcome to stay with them at their cottage. As far as they were concerned, I had just as much right as my H...etc. etc. But, this is my H's getaway.

And since I took D to a cottage last year, to Disneyworld for 8 days following that...well, I felt it would be good for her, wouldn't it?

The only problem...the preparation took place at MY house. Now, I look at it, he USED me. He took my toaster, my VCR, my pots, pans, sheets, cleaning supplies...and when the finaly bong boomed...he opposed me following them up.

It was raining hard, he explained. It's a 3-hour drive, he yelled at 6:30 am and then I would have to drive back. It's stupid of you to come up...

Oh boy...I just didn't know what was right. I should have gone but I didn't. It WAS pouring hard.

My first time doing this. Yes, I've left D behind when I've gone away on business but this...well, this is entirely different. I packed everything for but had to let go...

I don't know what is right anymore. Everyone is blasting me...he used you again...he lied to you...he's going to take her away.

Well, the other couple called me as soon as they left their home. Twice.

Call us anytime. Don't call H. Well, I have and D is having good time in the sand so I'm glad.

She's made new friends, she tells me. Her cottage is really small and cute, she tells me.

And she's okay.

Somehow, a little part of me hoped that maybe she wasn't but I'm only human.

I've stayed away from everyone. Will go nowhere. Have cleaned my stove, gone shopping and am now cleaning my refrigerator. Have done all laundry.

If anyone has some suggestions about what else I could to keep my mind occupied, I welcome it.

I just hate being without D.

And now, I realize I must see a lawyer about formal custody.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling lonely. I am also. When my H takes my son for the night I feel like no one loves me and no one wants me. It's so hard to occupy yourself. I've celaned my house from top to bottom. It doesn't seem like anything helps. I feel so lost.
My son was staying the night with a friend last night in our neighborhood. I was glad that he was having fun but wanted him home so badly....just to have another living soul in the house....someone that loves me!
He ended up coming hom around 1:00 a.m. He said he couldn't sleep and wasn't feeling well. I really don't think he was sick....I think he's just feeling sad about everything going on.
How is your D coping with all of this? I just don't know what to tell my son? Is there a right way to explain all of this to them?

Hello Tree,

I am sorry for your pain. I do feel exactly the way you describe.

It's awful. Absolutely terrible. What's worse than d-day? This.

My D has her ups and downs. Since she's just turned five, she still doesn't understand what's going on and she's never been to my H's apartment...and now this.

Being left out is awful.

Hope your situation improves. Thank-you for replying.

And now, I realize I must see a lawyer about formal custody.

Terri,

While you are at it, check into what you need to do to stop him from coming into your house and removing things that make life better for HIM.

The day he carried out the first thing would be the day he walked in for the last time.

He used you...and more than likely emotionally blackmailed you with your DD needing those things.
She went on a trip with HIM...it was up to HIM to provide her those comforts.

JMHO
committed

Hi Committed,

Thanks for replying.Yes, I will check into that as well.

HIS trip...bugs me more than you know. I just got off the phone with the couple. They assured me D is fine. Doesn't even notice I'm not arround...well, they didn't say that, but it sounds as if she's having a great time with the kids.

Wow...to be excluded is SO huge for me...not only from your child's memories but adult ones...

I guess it's a longing for both...

Sorry I'm rambling.

I'm just a wreck.

Adding...

I think that you should tell him that it is over. He has been spouting that phrase for the longest time and doing nothing about it.

Tell him..

I'VE decided that it is over. I'VE decided that I am seeking advice of counsel to start divorce proceedings for ME . I'VE also decided to seek FULL custody of DD but am more than willing to ALLOW for a "visitation" schedule that I am comfortable with. MY attorney will be contacting you...or your attorney. Please supply me with your attorney's card so that I can get this started so that I can get on with MY life.

Let him chew on that...he will soon realize that you are in control of YOUR life and that he no longer is.

Let this be all about you...it is evident that you have to look out for yourself and your DD.

JMHO
committed

Terri,

I Know how it bothers you. My first H and were separated when he was killed...but not before an order was in place for a "visitation" schedule. I use that word in regards to him because he never cared and tended to the kids while married..and I felt they were simply "visiting" with their Dad.

The first time he took them...I almost hyperventilated. My son was 15 months old and my daughter was only 3. They allowed him to take them for overnighters!

I was a mess. I pleaded with the court to not make it overnight...he had yet to ever get up with a crying baby! The judge told me that he would "learn" how to care for them properly...and that I would have to accept it and let him learn. I argued to the point of being threatened with contempt..so my lawyer shushed me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I do feel for you...and I hurt for you.

committed

Everyone is blasting me...he used you again...he lied to you...he's going to take her away.

Who exactly is this "everyone" that's making you feel so bad about the things you've done for your husband and your daughter? Whoever it is, maybe you need to change your "everyone" to someone who's a bit more supportive.

Oh, and...

I was on the receiving end of this nonsense about how one parent, of whatever sort, isn't "capable" or "right" for caring for his or her child.

Sigh.

Some parents, it's true, do not have as much skill as others when it comes to caring for their children. That DOES NOT give the other parent the "right" to say no to overnights, trips, and other time together.

I know how devastating it is to be separated from your child. I have been separated from mine, and was not sure whether I would ever see her again.

I would never, ever do that to a parent who wanted to spend time with his or her child, barring a real and present threat to the child.

Hi Terri,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The couple asked me to come over to meet with them. I took D earlier this week. They felt really bad about this. Said that I was welcome to stay with them at their cottage. As far as they were concerned, I had just as much right as my H...etc. etc. But, this is my H's getaway. </strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gonna spin this another way. You thirsty? Time to make some lemonade out of the lemons he left on your porch.

1. They see and understand you (or at least that what it sounds like). They are letting him have his getaway. Sounds like he can't do it by himself. Hm... You are allowed to check up on your daughter via them (don't abuse this). Once a day or every other day is s/b fine.

2. Understand that your daughter will be having fun. It is ok for her to have fun wherever she is. You need to adjust to this fact. Your job is to make sure she is safe. Right now your H needs to assure you of that. If he can't, then others must. This is hard but if you don't learn to let go, it could impact your daughter.
Don't be jealous or clingy. Be happy for her.

3. How to keep busy:
a. We are experiencing a high volume here @ MB. You are a seasoned poster.... help out.
b. Go to the gym.
c. volunteer at a local women's shelter
d. call up some GFs and go out for lunch/dinner.
e. take your mom to the movies, etc.

If all else fails, fly down here to the bay area and come clean out my fridge.... or better yet help me pack up my house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Okay...I reread my post only hours later and I guess I sound obsessive. Never used to be like this.

One of my good friends is having a b-day dinner for her daughter tonight (my goddaughter). I had planned not to go (since D wouldn't be around) and had visited her on Wednesday. Well, she phones me today and tells me I need to be able to deal with this...easier said than done but she did convince me to go there for cake and coffee...just that so many kids will be there and I'll cry...oh well.

Told my D that hate is a bad word but I do hate my H today.

Hi Just J,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Whoever it is, maybe you need to change your "everyone" to someone who's a bit more supportive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for reminding me that what I've done is more for D than for H and that it isn't necessarily the wrong thing. Too many people get involved in my matters...because they fear for my sanity.

Sometimes, so do I. I don't often think I can make it through this but with the help of MB, I've managed to survive thus far...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some parents, it's true, do not have as much skill as others when it comes to caring for their children. That DOES NOT give the other parent the "right" to say no to overnights, trips, and other time together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true and that is why I agreed to a compromise. However, when someone abandons their family, what happens to their rights?

Thank-you for your reply on a busy Sunday.

Hey O, Nice to hear from you...

Your lemon analogy has made me actually smile...the first this weekend aside from when I have spoken to my D.

Thanks for your suggestions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We are experiencing a high volume here @ MB. You are a seasoned poster.... help out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somehow, I feel that my signature line doesn't carry with it much hope. I don't like to reply often simply because I might discourage others.
What do you think?

The Bay area sounds good...

Terrified - We need lots of help here like Orchid said.

Also I think it will be very good for you to be away from your daughter occasionally. Someday she will grow up and have her own life.

Mine are all on their own now, and it is an extremely hard adjustment to make. I miss them being little.

So cheer up my dear, and enjoy your time with yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <strong> Terri: Hey O, Nice to hear from you...

Your lemon analogy has made me actually smile...the first this weekend aside from when I have spoken to my D.

Thanks for your suggestions.


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We are experiencing a high volume here @ MB. You are a seasoned poster.... help out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somehow, I feel that my signature line doesn't carry with it much hope. I don't like to reply often simply because I might discourage others.
What do you think?

The Bay area sounds good...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: You've said that before but you do have it within you to help others. I have seen it. Get more confidence about yourself. You may find a wise woman lives within, patiently waiting to come out and be invited to share her wisdom and wit.

Please share. We care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for the bay area.... well, I wish you could come. I am not going to be here for much longer but this is a fun place to live.

Hugz,
L.

Terrified..

Just saw this post and needed to reply..

I am so sorry for your pain and can So relate. My H and I were separated for a year. He had the kids every other weekend and one night a week..

I was miserable.. I was sad, I was lonley. He even took them away to a cabin with his "work friends" for a weekend. I was worried, and so much more. My kids are older, but they had a great time. I also felt SO left out. There were other weekends when he and the kids went with "our" frinds to do things. It was so so hard on me. But, I can share some things that came out of this.

H became the father they never had. More involved, not just physically, but emotionally.

I became more independant, and starting doing more things to improve my life.

Kids became more independant of me and a little more on H. A great thing for my son!

Keep busy, lean on your friends. Spoil yourself. I just wanted to respond because there is a "light" in there, and I also remember your "pain" very well!

Hi O,

Maybe "wise OLD woman"...I do feel OLDer as a result of of all this...perhaps I should change my MB name...

Hi SH,

Thank-you for commiserating...it has been tough since this is the first time ever...

And I guess he is making the best of his time with her. Then I feel guilty because I think that I don't do that as much, you know what I mean? I pine for his return yet my presence/absence means nothing to him. I've taken D away with "our" friends and he appeared fine with it.

He does the same? I'm devastated.

So what did you do to survive these times?

Where do you and your H stand now?

Thanks for your replies!

Terrified - Oh I can relate.. My ex is not the father of the year at all - in fact he doesn't really see the girls very often - yet when he does call and take them - my feelings are hurt... I mean lets face it - I am pissed when he isn't taking anytime to spend with them and I am pissed when he does in fact have them... But the simple truth is - he has seen my 14 year old twice this whole year and this weekend he took her and two of her friends out to the movies - and he has seen my youngest daughter two times this year and supposedly is taking her sometime this week.. But I guess what I am saying is that - even though I am hurt when they are not with me - the simple truth is that they do indeed have two parents - and they deserve to have two parents - and you know what I deserve some free time - I deserve to have a life - and you do also - I would advise though - that you have a set schedule put in place because well that is the one thing that I regret - he just had written in that - there would be no restrictions on his visitations - becuase well I didn't want to limit his time - but when it comes to a selfish b*stard that most times means that he won't be spending anytime with them... So in a couple of weeks he is taking them overnight to Six Flags - and you know what they deserve to go there - so I am just gonna do something fun - or better yet just stay home by myself and appreciate the peace and quiet... You have to stop pining over the life that you used to have - and get a life - and be the happy person that your daughter truly deserves - and she needs to become her own person to - she is young she is only 5 but she also needs to learn that she can have fun without her mother being there.. So as hard as it is these are the cards we have been dealt and we need to just adjust.... Don't you think???? I mean when was the last time you went out by yourself and actually had a good time and not worried about your husband, his family or someone else??

hi maw,

Thanks for relating...only thing is that my H is vying for father of the year...but he doesn't have her EVERY day round the clock. Having her up north is FUN...she's with other children and always well entertained, right? How about when she's home, bored...cranky because she's by herself, without siblings? That's what he has escaped...therefore, having "time" with her must be terrific when everything is ROSY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean when was the last time you went out by yourself and actually had a good time and not worried about your husband, his family or someone else?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">oh...about four years back...

Ok Terrified you are just like me - - They are not there for anything of the everyday stuff and they just want to jump in for the fun stuff - and you know what - that is true - but really who is losing out?? They are... I mean I wouldnt' take back having my children with me all of the time - and I have had every feeling imagineable to this for the past 3 years - I mean in the beginning I felt like I was his childrens babysitter and yet he got to do what he wanted all of the time - and had no responsibilities and you know what that is true - but I wouldn't have it any other way... Your daughter - just like my daughters are going to know who their real parent is - who was the one that was there for everything all of the time with no questions asked... My ex - doesn't see them - yet shows up for dance recitals - plays - anything that is a public occassion - just so he looks good... I mean my oldest is going to high school this September it is a new school - has he even asked about goign to see this school -about what she is taking for courses - anything nope - does he even know what school she is in - no - I don't even write his name down on the school papers anymore because he is just not there - he is not a participant in their lives - yet he does show up the occassional now and then and take them out or take them away to an amusement park -so while it ticks me off - I shouldn't hold my children back -so I suck it up and let it go... There really isn't anything else to do but that... You will drive yourself nuts - trying to figure everything out... And four years ago - well you should change that right away - go and do something for yourself - !! You deserve to be happy - and I have told you that a million times.. He doesn't deserve you sitting home pining after him.. I mean lets say that you didn't have a child with him and that you were never married to him - knowing everything you do about him now - would he be someone that you would want to be with ???? I will tell you right now - I do not like one thing about my ex as a person at all... but did I pine over the loss of our family and marriage for like forever.. Have I been able to move on with someone new - not yet - but do I plan to - yes because well I deserve to be happy - I am a good person.. I didn't want any of this - and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy -- yet I hope that he and his OW - both experience at least 1/10th of the pain they have put me through the last 3 years... So ok - lets face it - we cannot change the past - but we can live the future... Happily..... It is time for you to shut that door to the past and open the new one to the future.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read this post..
read it again
and again...

and your intitial post terr...the stuff about the toaster and the vcr...etc...my brain translates it in to blah blah blah...

all of this...is exactly of your own creation in your REFUSAL and his REFUSAL to COMMUNICATE....

you two don't even see eachother as people...persons, father or mother...

all you see and all he sees is
your actions
his actions
your inactions
his inactions...
he say
she say
he said
she said....

and then both of you sitting back and waiting for REACTION or as is usually the case INACTION from eachother...on and on it goes...

both sitting back watching the other do NOTHING

you two are so far off the communication scale..that basically you are the living in motion chiche...

"if you don't use it...
you lose it..."

you two have left the importance to communicate so far in the back ground...that you two have NO idea how to communicate anymore...

should you have dreaded this weekend?...
nope...
because it is set up by both of you to be nothing but crisis and drama...because that is how you two communicate with eachother anymore....

this to shall pass...onto the next crisis and drama...what's next..
first day of school...
halloween?
lots to look forward to..

OR
you could use this time to seek some type of human view of this situation and take control of your role in communcating for the benefit of your daughter regardless of your fears...

use this time to decide....lots of things..

is your husband an ogre or not...
make part of your plan based on that answer


do you want to be in the exact same spot you are today...next week?
next month?
next year?
make part of your plan based on that answer...

do you remember how to talk nicely to this man..
make part of your plan based on that answer

Wow...to be excluded is SO huge for me...not only from your child's memories but adult ones...

you two tango and dance around REAL issues..
powerstruggle INSANE minute things...
and then feel left out of???????????!!!!!!!!!!!

when lately have either of you been included in anything....to lead to being left out????

when have you tried lately to be part of any thing with eachother......meaning co-parenting and communicating...

you apply all these non-applicable statements about your husband..

he continues to pursue you sexually and you respond with ...oh according to him we are definitly done..!!!!

he goes for a few days without you....and you are erased from his memory bank and his ability to miss you...yet you two haven't LIVED together for years???????????????????????

are you saying he misses you every other day...and suddenly stopped this weekend..

(personally i have no doubt you two both miss eachother...but you have lost yourselves in your layers of fear and avoidance of eachother.)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You act surprised and yet you have done nothing but create things to be this way...out of both of you just avoiding any real talk
you both push reality of actions to the side AS IF they don't exist...


are you the victim here...or part orchestrator...

i have little interest in your plans to "offically seperate...seek visitation...file or not file..."

I am only interested in your plans to sit down with this man and start to learn how to communicate with him again for the better of ALL involved....

what is your plan to start talking again to this man who you once loved enough to marry AND you still mourn and pine the loss of...yet do nothing to seek him out...and I am not talking romantically I am talking being able to both see eachother as someone you can and must be able to talk to....

ARK <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Terri,

It's truly your daughter I feel sorry for. Step into a 5 YO mind and translate the messages that both you and your husband are sending, how does she perceive the behaviors that you exhibit towards each other? Mommy hates daddy, he must be bad, daddy hates mommy she must be bad. UGH!!!! 5 YO confusion!!

You want everyone to side with you and what an orge your H is, but you are the one that enables him to behave that way towards you. STOP IT!!! Your daughter is being hurt, perhaps not this minute but what she will recall from her child and how she is shaped as a person is being hurt by both of you!!!!

Get a life of your own that your daughter fits into, don't make her your life, it's un-healthy and un real and she will grow to resent it.

I've just spent the last 3 weeks totally alone as my daughter was with her father. Yes I missed her, yes I wondered what she was doing. I prayed that the Lord would watch over her and protect her, that's what it is that I could do, the other stuff I have to let go of, I can control me and my actions and behaviors, not other peoples, not my xH. I found lots to do and kept myself very busy. It made the time pass faster and did not allow me to set and wonder what is she doing, is she missing me, does she love dad more then me for what they are doing together.

Step out of the boat and take a risk, strenghten yourself, do not allow your H to treat you the way that he does, he treats you the way that he does because you ALLOW it!! Stop it, do not allow it!!!! I am sure you will hear alot of ranting and raving from him, if you have things in place with the custody and so on he can't hurt you, at that point he will only be hurting himself. But right now by not having anything legal as far as custody you are allowing him to hurt you if he takes off with your daughter, don't allow that. (I do pray that that does not happen) It's not that I mean to harsh, but to me it seems that you want everyone to [censored] foot around you and agree that H treats you badly and he is an awful person and is not fit to be a dad. We can agree with you, but again you are the one that is allowing him to behave that way towards you, so he knows no other way to treat you, do not accept that behavior, make it so he treats you better. Strengthn and empower yourself.

My 2 cents worth on the subject take it or leave, but somewhere make some change!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />