My H came hom last night after being out with his brother and was telling me that he doesn't respect me for staying with him after he told me about the A. I just don't understand. He keeps saying that I don't love myself and don't have respect for myeslf. I DO have respect and pride for myself!!!! I told him that I think it takes a stronger person to stay and try to work it out than it does for someone to just leave and give up. I swear, he's in a deep FOG right now. He keeps saying that each day he's not with me he's getting stronger and stronger and doesn't fear leaving me. I just don't understand. I've always been so loving and good to him....how can he say these things to me??? We have a son together and I just can't imagaine breaking up our family. I will do whatever it takes to keep my M and my family together. Why is he saying these things?
He told me last night that the A was for a year and he spent more time with her than me. He says he loves me but more in a fatherly way. WHAT the hell does that mean????? I told him that the reason he feels that way is because everything attatched to me is responsability and it's not with OW. I look at him and I feel like I'm looking into space somewhere. My H is not there! Will he ever come around or is this the end of my M???? I go to bed and wake up feeling so empty. I'm trying everythng I can to keep occupied but it's so hard.
His parents come home today from a month long trip. I know they will find out what is going on and come over ASAP. I just worry that they will support how h'e acting. I just don't know what to do.
H keeps asking me why I love him. I've given him a million reasons but they aren't good enough. Does anybody have something really profound that I could say to him. Soemthing that would just blow his mind??? I need help!!!!!!!!

Anybody there?????

Take a deep breath, Tree nnd keep doing this. Close your eyes. Focus on yourself for just a little while. Remember that it was his choice to have the A. CHOICE. We all have the power to choose...you have chosen to stand for your marriage. That is a powerful choice and by far, the more difficult one.

However, right now, you might present yourself as needy? That is what may be unattractive to him. Try with all your might to not to pull the reins in...say nothing to "bring him back" to earth. Restrain yourself. Believe in your strength.

I've been at this much longer than you and I heard the EXACT same thing you have just heard. Somehow, it makes them feel stronger and self righteous to know that we STILL want them despite their wrongdoing. My H used to say...where's your self respect....

This pain will subside. I promise you. But you HAVE to become stronger.

Treereich, are you a giver? Meaning, do you ALWAYS give your husband and maybe others whatever it is you think they want just to make THEM happy with no thought of your own? If so, maybe this is what your husband is reacting to. Perhaps he has come to a point where he feels that he knows this about you and feels that the for a long time he has been having to deal with interactions with you with that in mind and that's why he feels like a parent to you?

If your husband is telling you that he has no respect for you for staying with him, maybe you should be listening to him. Is it possible that his affair is an "exit affair"?

I'm not sure how long this has been going on for you so I hesitate to suggest a Plan B but maybe that's what you need here.

When he asks why you are willing to forgive this affair and try to work through things, I would say something like, "It is because I respect myself that I want to try and save this marriage. You have a lot of qualities that I wish I had for myself and for most of our marriage you've given me great satisfaction--this is why I love you. There was a time when I was able to do this for you so I know it's possible that we can have a satisfying and fulfilling marriage. You loved me once and have told me that now those feelings have changed--so we KNOW that feelings can change. I feel that they can change again. If I do everything I can to save this marriage without debasing myself and it still cannot work out between us, then I will have enormous respect for myself for having tried. I will have the tools to make my next relationship a success. If I just give up then I will always wonder "what if" and it will be hard to forgive myself."

Treereich, your husband probably would not be receptive to hearing something like this right now. HOWEVER, if you can say it very confidently and MEAN it, I think the seeds would be planted.

Would it be possible to neither Plan A nor Plan B? Perhaps write him a letter or say something like the above to him. Not cut off all contact (unless you've been Plan A'ng for awhile now), but don't try to fill his needs or talk about R right now? What if you were to say to your husband, "Okay, how about I give you some space for a couple of months [put a time limit on it]. We won't try to work on things during that time, but we also won't make any moves towards a divorce. In a couple of months why don't we revisit whether or not we should try to work on things?" Treereich, if you don't plan B with minimal contact, it would be important for you to be able to resist R talks during this time..is that something you feel you can do?

I am NO expert and haven't been here at MB for very long. But your husband is losing respect for you and fog or not, you have to believe him. You need to do *something* to keep that from happening.

Thank you maddyk and terrified!
I haven't been doing Plan A that long. I actually did tell him some of what you said maddyk....I don't feel that I'm a needy person but I am a giver. I do tend to think of my son and H first before myself at times. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to earn respect...I thought I had respect becasue of who I am and the mother/wife I have been. Eveyone I know says that I'm a wonderful person and am so thoughtful and loving. I think I'm a GREAT person and very outgoing. I just don't know what more my husband could want. I know in the past we've had problems with financial issues....I'm in the process now of looking for a job. I am doing the best I can. I'm also going to a movie and dinner tonight with a bunch of friends just to get out. I have lots of friends and d things with them on a regular basis. My H was always invited but never wanted to join us. Now I know why....because he was out haveing his A.
Is there hope after an A to ever get back what you had before or even better?
I asked my H if he had an affair so that I would leave and he said no...he tells me that the reason he is still in this M is because he wants to make sure he's not making a mistake if he divorces me. He wants to create a void so that he misses me. He says that when he was with OW he would miss being with me and vice versa. I just can't give up on my M....I know my H deep down and I love him. I will not give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, basically I guess all I can do right now is think of myself first and keep contact with H to a minimum?????