My husband has had 3 different affairs that I know of in the past 23 years. He is a very flirtacious man. and be-frienda people very easily. Especially when the women come to him and tell him how their husbands " beat" them up or are verbually abused. He feels sorry for them and gets closer and closer the next thing you know he is having an affair with them. Last year he left me for 3 months this was the first time he has ever left. Well he said he knew it was wrong and we went to a Christian counselor. Wonderful!! We got back together but I feel like he is getting involved again he seems so distant from me. He only tells me he loves me if I say it first. He hardly ever touches me and when he does he is so rough with me it hurts then I cry it makes me not want to be with him sexually. He really needs your prayers. Prayer has brought us through these things before, and now I need them again. Please!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi LHH,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have to be here dealing with this issue again.

As to your question: The amount of times you forgive is up to you. How you forgive is also up to you.

Now you have been down this road before so your gut instinct is not one to be denied. Pay attention and this time, take another course for your self-preservation.

Please read the concepts section above. Learn about plan A and plan B. Take the emotional needs questionnaire once as yourself and see if your H will take it with you. If not take it as if you were him. It may not be accurate but it will be a start.

Read the following books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. W. Harley. Read the book, Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Plan A and B along with examples are in those books. Dr Dobson extends plan B a bit.

Setup phone counseling with Steve Harley here @ MB. This step is important. Steve will work with you and then your H (if he is willing). You can do the phone counseling within earshot of you H and that may help him get involved.

MB has other courses and programs also but start with the above.

Keep posting here. You are among those who know exactly what you are going through. I am sorry for your pain but keep reading, applying and posting here. It certainly helps.

take care,
L.

I have read Dr. Dobsons Love must be Tough 3 times. It helped me tremendously. My H is so tender hearted and gets involved with these women because he really wants to help. I know he loves the Lord and loves Church. He is just more emotionally involved I guess you would say. So many people were praying for us last year and I need more to pray again. Pray that he will see he cannot be friends with the opposite sex. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. But I NEED him to be here for me just like I am for him. Please just ask God to speak to his heart and help him to see for himself.

Good to know you are already reading. Please read the other books, basic concepts and take the EN questionnaire. Then you will be ready to call Steve. Let them know what you have done.

Your H sounds like he has the 'knight in shining armor' syndrome. Many a WSH do. Mine started out that way and still has that tendency. There are also many women out there (even xbs) who crave that attention sooo much they become the OW at any expense. Sad but true. On the other hand your H needs to realize this is his weakness not a need.

His needs s/b identified and put in a positive spin. You need to see how to meet those needs and how he needs to meet yours. My H would rather help all but his family. His parents and some of his siblings are quite needy in the emotional way. His family's issues have literally crossed our dining table every week since we have been married (almost 14 years). I put my foot down after 10 years and now most of it has been directed to others to deal with. I still hear about it but don't have to have as much direct hand in it unless they need a stronger person involved.

H said, he'd rather help others because he can't seem to help his family. Well, that message includes us and recovery required he help his family so this challenge is now his focus. He almost lost us several times. I think you need to view it more like that instead of him leaving you.

Do you have children?

L.

Yes We have 2 Ages 22 and 18
Just became Grandparents on 06-27-04
When we go to counseling he is all for it and does great. But when he is at work , you know how that goes. He tries to be like everyone else.
i just don't want to have to ask him what is wrong he gets mad with me and then things just go downhill. But I can tell there is something

I have read everything on this site. Very good advice given. And I know my Lord will help me through all of this. But I am so scared it is going to happen again. If he has another affair it will probably be it for us. I don't want to be alone I'm scared to death