(Sorry this is so looooong; it's my first post after DDay)
After 18 years of marriage, one child (15 year-old D, who he adores), three EA's (he says) that I know of, one PA (that I know of), he claims he doesn't love me and/or wants a divorce because I haven't found a job. Huh??? I worked my way through college (he didn't), I have always worked, I have gone literally months with NO days off. Friends who know me consider me a borderline workaholic.
Long story short as I can make it: When we met & married, I made twice as much as he did. Gave up that job when employer wanted to move me when I was three months pregnant in a high-rish pregnancy (I was 43). He got fired from his job when I was six months along, but refused to follow me to Alaska or West Virginia as he felt he couldn't find suitable employment there (he's a Landscape Architect). So I liquidated all my retirement, severance, savings, etc., so we could live while he built his dream of owning his own design/build general contracting business.
I made most significant first contacts for him that won the jobs to get him started. When D was 15 months, went back to work at well-paying professional job. I stayed employed for the next ten years, while his business almost ruined us. When he finally gave up, my parents had loaned him $7500 to liquidate his debts, and $4500 to keep us from losing our house. Everytime his parents loaned us money, usually when he was out of work, we paid them back ASAP. My parents have never seen a dime.
During this time he began drinking during the day as well as the evenings. He also began a PA with a local real estate woman who gave him referrals as long as he "serviced" her. I think there were others, but he won't admit it.
He finally got sober in 1997, but then found another addiction (in addition to online porn) to make him feel better. When he was in danger of losing yet another job (this time not his fault), he allowed himself to be picked up by a notorious "13th stepper" in his AA room. He became a EMA romance addict. In 3/98, he told me he wanted a divorce, he never really loved me, signed papers with a buddy of his to put our house on the market, and told our 10-year-old daughter about the first skank. Honestly. He really did that. Daughter stopped eating, became anemic and anxiety-ridden, had to have therapy. Still has anxiety disorders resulting from this time.
I told him I couldn't make him love me or want to stay married, but we were going to stay parents so I insisted on JC to work out a new relationship and find out what went wrong with the marriage so we could "get over it" and move on. He agreed.
Within three weeks, he started changing. Within six weeks, he admitted he made a horrible mistake, blamed it on his new sobriety, job problems, alure of the skank (over-processed hair, salon nails, lots of paint, tight clothes and the usualy "oh poor me" stories) made him feel important and special.
Year later, we moved to NC. I gave up very secure job with pension because move was good for him and his family. He was fired within three months, I couldn't find a job and we lived off gain from home in FL for awhile. He found freelance assignment, then lost it. Found another job, got fired. Found another job, which started going south within a few months. BUT while there got involved with skank #2 (see above for exact description). I knew something was going on but couldn't prove it. I found good job, then found evidence about skank #2 even tho both of them had been fired by this time. He found another job and, get this, started paying some of her bills. I caught him early one morning e-mailing her with the info he had just made her car payment and insurance payment. I had a good job by this time, so didn't feel so lost. Repeat above. Counselor, sorry, drop skank, everything's wonderful, will never-ever do it again.
Bought house. Life calm, for about a year. He's fired again. Gets another job, only this time in NY. None of this is his fault; it's because of NC. He'll go up, see if the job is for real and he can last, then will send for us. He loves us, we'll never part, no need to worry. Until right before Christmas. Meets skank #3 online. She's an oncology nurse and his sister is Stage IV breast cancer. Skank starts talking to sister, while e-mailing, writing to and calling H. I knew something was terribly off, but being 700+ miles away, couldn't install Spector on his computer. Daughter caught some evidence went she went for a visit in July, and turned it over to me. Skank's e-mails go into lurid detail about what she wants to do to him and vice versa and says she can hardly wait to be Mrs. W. H. Huh? Talks about her vacation to see him Valentines Day. Daughter finds note to "buy tickets to Houston." Yet he claims they have never met. Huh?
When pressed for a reason, by me and D, he says its because I haven't brought in any money in a year. I should get off my lazy a** and start paying some of the bills cause he's sick of paying for everything while I live in the nice house and live the easy life. My job was cut with 24% of the staff of my employer. I was not fired. I work for non-profits thus very few private sector employers will give me an interview. I'm 59 and female and don't know the local businesses --- banking and insurance. I have a lead on an entry level job which would put us in the homeless shelter.
D is determined to stay here for her last two years of school. The only good jobs I can find are in other locales. Do I leave her with friends for two years and fly home to visit? She won't live with her Dad; says she'll never see or speak to him again if he stays with skank #3.
There's more but I'm sure you all are bored by this time. I really needed to vent to some kind souls who would understand the pain and confusion. Feel free to lambast me for staying with him for this long.
Job advice would be welcome, too.
Do you really think he wants out because I am no longer a co-breadwinner? Are there really men who think this way? His sister just dumped her husband of 20 years mostly because he's unemployed; knew his job was going to evaporate for 18 months and did nothing to find a new one.
<small>[ August 01, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: FooledAgainx3 ]</small>
