My wife and I are recovering from an affair and we've used a lot of this site's ideas to help guide us through it and we are much better than when we started down this road.

Her mother and father are going through a difficult time right now because they can not talk to each other, both have different issues of their own to work out, and are trying to recover from an alleged affair three years ago.

Knowing the concepts and the steps that we have learned together so far we were wondering what we can do to help. Neither one of them are willing to give up pride and realize that there are two people responsible for affairs so that wall that blocks all communication from small talk to serious issues is still up. Her mom thinks that her dad had an affair with another woman and her dad thinks that her mom has found another man.

Neither of them knows of the problems we have had to face the past year and a half in our marriage, not just infidelity but separation and much more.

Should we talk to them and tell them our situation in hopes that they can see recovery is possible or lay low and just offer support and not tell them to avoid adding more fuel to the fire.

I see her mom like I was prior to my wife confessing, prior to her being open and honest about what all had happened, she displays compulsiveness and avoids being home.

Her dad depending on whether or not the A actually happened I see as my wife prior to me giving her a real chance to talk without fear of me walking out.

Please Help.

Maybe you could do something anonymous, like send them a book or a card. Butting in might make them very uncomfortable. Maybe your W could reach out to her mother.

GC

GC, thanks for the reply, we had been waiting.
W wants to know how can she reach out to her mother?

Your W is not a counselor, right? And just saying maybe you should talk to someone might not do any good.

I think your W should send her mother a "thinking of you" card, and in it just briefly say something, like:

I sense you and Dad are going through some tough times right now. H and I have been through our own difficulties. We were lucky enough to find the right kind of help, and we're dealing with our problems and restoring our marriage. If you'd like to talk about it sometime, please give me a call.

Or something like that.

GC

I think I agree with Graycloud -- but I would be more clear about it.

"I know how hurt you are right now, and how awful it can be thinking that Dad had an affair. H and I have been through the same thing -- I had an affair two years ago. We've had a lot of work to rebuild our marriage, and if you'd like to talk about it, please let me know."

TOUGH to do. But man oh man, you will all learn a lot. There will be yelling and/or crying (depending on what your family is like), and afterwards there will also be healing.

What more can you offer your parents than understanding and a chance to heal?