Some more conversations with Darhma.

My WS met the OM only once every one or two months when he would take a vacation day and fly to the city. The PA was a year and a half.

So I'm mowing the lawn and thinking "well they didn't meet that many times during the PA, like only once every 45 days when he took the vacation day." (Mowing the lawn seems to be a trigger.)

WAIT A MINUTE!! A DAY?!? O my God!! They lay together a whole day?!!

She said they couldn't go any where, afraid of being seen...so they stayed in the Best Western the whole f***ing day...LITERALLY!!

So I'm thinking from ..say 9:00 am till, what 4?? So she could beat me home from work?? Seven hours?? You have to make the most of a vacation day, right? Can't waste it!

I said to her,"Gosh o golly, I don't think we ever had 7 hours of sex the whole time I have known you!"

Her answer? "SO WHAT?? its over! Let's move on!"

Then she started telling me what a skinny, ugly guy he is. Has a bad comb over, is half way through getting a hair transplant. Clothes are always wrinkly, very vain dude, MASTERBATES 3 TIMES A DAY!! (she thought this was odd) Thin but no physique at all.

I am so much better looking than him and my personality is way, way, better than his. (she says)

(But he was a silver tongued devil, that charmed her socks off, and the rest of her clothes, I guess.)

OK, so is this supposed to make me feel better? You are having sexual holidays with him while I am at work? With an ugly slob, and this makes me feel like emotionally reconnecting??

HMMMMMM..let me ask the people out there what they think....

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
k

DON'T MOW THE LAWN!!!!!! (That's for starters.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know how much better you are than this (and not just looks.) Nothing to be proven. "The grass is always greener..."

Good luck.

On ONe hand it feels good to know he was aestetically unappealing (sp)

One the other hand it makes you feel like an idiot that he was aestetically unappealing (sp)

To me it doesn't matter, it's painful either way!!

My W had A with a guy about half my size...like 5foot6, 150 pounds if that..and a kid who I saw once with a backpack on..living with his mommy no car, no crib and no real source of income. He was in better shape than me, then how could he not be he's a friggin kid!!

Anyways I could bench press him 50 times easy...

Do I feel better?
NOPE!

He slept with my W..

Don't cut the lawn anymore buddy there's too many snakes in that lawn. Hire some neighborhood kid to cut it for $20. If you live in the Maryland ares you can hire my W's ex OM he could use the money..broke kid...prolly got his jollies bumpin with an older woman..ridding in the car I co-signed for her to get, sleeping in a bed in the townhouse I was paying for, eating my food, playing with my son...GRRRRRRRR <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Please don't go there, she's just trying to make you feel better and it's not going to work. It'll just make you ask more questions that she has no helpful answers for.

Stay Calm and take up Jogging or physical training.

You're going to need it to release tension.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Mowing the lawn is a time where my thoughts can wander, not having to concentrate so much on the task. So I am thinking (obsessing?) about the thing that seems to always be on my mind.
k

Krusht I understand Ohh too well....

I think we get better with time, at least that's what I read. Not much of a comfort, but it's probably true. I think you should be able to ask any questions you have. I read somewhere here that HONESTY isn't and LB and neither is asking questions. I'm just concerned if you are in a mental place to deal with the answers, because they are sure to be painful and not make much sense. If our W's had A's with famous, rich, handsome stars maybe then we could understand, but I have a feeling we'd be just as hurt.

Hang in there Krusht I feel your pain brother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I actually like mowing the lawn. I do my best thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You actually believe what she describes about OM?

Why?

Better yet, why are you willing to believe that this scumbag was a nerd? Why don't you imagine him - if you insist on imagining anything at all - as a Chippendale male stripper? Or as a powerful CEO with lots of $$?

THEN - even then - she dumped him for you.

Are you sure she dumped him?

Why?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> I actually like mowing the lawn. I do my best thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You actually believe what she describes about OM?

Why?

Better yet, why are you willing to believe that this scumbag was a nerd? Why don't you imagine him - if you insist on imagining anything at all - as a Chippendale male stripper? Or as a powerful CEO with lots of $$?

THEN - even then - she dumped him for you.

Are you sure she dumped him?

Why? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT is right...her word isn't worth a sack of beans Krusht. And blind trust is probably what put you in this situation to begin with. I know believeing words or to be more exact not wanting to disbelieve words (fooling myself) has been my stumbling block. Examine actions, comings goings, email, cellphone, changes in mood..put that puzzle together. I for one, am not taking words as gold anymore. I learned the hard way and yes, I'm still learning.

As we all know - it typically doesn't have anything to do with you or your looks...or the OP and their looks....

My WH - point blank told me the so and so was F###### UGLY - My response was: Why would you jeopordize your marriage for this?? Why would you run with a woman with kids...hell, you didn't raise your own kids...You left that to wife #1 & 2.....The 2nd woman that I have seen is not attractive either...

It's Not about Looks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by krusht:

HMMMMMM..let me ask the people out there what they think....

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she was trying to put a "positive" spin on things .... for your "benefit" .... in a misguided effort to make you feel less competative as a man. A twisted effort to downgrade the desirability and sex appeal of the affair partner only serves to make HER look even more foolish and her judgement becomes less reliable.

It is foolish of the BS to expect sound judgement and reasoning from the WS .... until full recovery is well underway.

Good counseling that challenges thinking errors necessary to have an affair are in order.... until that time, she will "spin" nonsense. Don't hurt yourself trying to make sense of garbage logic. Just accept that there is no logic for the time being.

Pep

Krusht,,,

When I found out of my W's OM I figured he had to be this hunk or at least a very successful man. I mean after all he would have to be to get my wife in bed right?

It turned out there were a few of my friends who knew the OM. MY best friends wife knew him from high school and also worked with OM. When she found out it was the guy my wife was screwing she looked at me and said OMG NO WAY,,, ERIC THIS GUY IS GROSS. Of corse I figured she was just trying to make me feel good. After I found out this guy had been in jail several times I looked up his mugshot..... then I said OMG... he was bald and stubby. So now I was stumped. I continued to investigate tho OM and his physical appearance.
Turned out he is a drug head, pierced nipples, pierced penis, unemployed, highest grade completed was 11th, still lived with mommy and daddy. No wonder my wife stressed to me he was not what she wanted. Still he was able to get in my hen house every MON and WED. Wife claims it was his bad boy lifestyle that excited her,, SEX in his truck,, his tattoos, his partying that was a factor. This dude even had the gall to introduce my wife to his parents. LOL
Did I feel like I needed to shave my head, get on drugs, quit my job, move back in with my parents,, to compete,,,LOL no way. I look at it this way... Thank God the OM was a loser. My wife could have been with a nice looking successful man. I could have come home one day to a Dear John letter telling me she met the man of her dreams. As far as why my wife found this loser attractive only she has to deal with that. She will tell me about once a week that I am such a better looking man than OM. LOL I dont need her to tell me that anymore. I know I am a better man than him but she is the one who now looks back and cringes on who she had an affair with.

YEP way to go ERIC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
I try to make sense of my W's A and I can't. I read an email where she was applauding him for his ambitions and said that was very attractive. So what he sings! Does he make a dollar doing it? Not as much as I make in my line of work! Hell my goal is 6 figures OM's goal is buying his first car! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Its all laughable, dont even waste your time comparing yourself to OM. I do wonder sometimes what if OM was established, had the ability and desire to be a stepdad to my D & S would my W even be here? These are destructive thoughts I try to shun them but every once in a while they creep back in. I think as we move towards recovery and our W's start meeting some of our EN's those insecurities will trail off.

At least that's what I hope.

FM,,
QUOTE: OM was established, had the ability and desire to be a stepdad to my D & S would my W even be here? These are destructive thoughts I try to shun them but every once in a while they creep back in.

I think the same thing and that is really all you can do to the "what if" scenarios. How would we live our lives if we based all of our actions on "what if". I know all we can be is the best we can be as husbands, fathers and Men. Screw the "what if's" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pepperband,

The short time I have been here I have come to realize and appreciate your wisdom.

"It is foolish of the BS to expect sound judgement and reasoning from the WS until full recovery is well underway"

I think this is just now sinking into my pea brain. She also asked "Aren't you at least a little happy that I got my ENs met with the OM?" That's why I affectionately have been calling her Darhma.

What kind of time frame might we be looking at when the logic and reasoning comes back?

NC phone call was made the day of Dday (05/31/04). He called about a week later and she told me about it. I called him and I am 98% sure there has been NC since.

We see a MC once a week and are working to restore what we can. Treating each other lovingly and not speaking about the A. (her mother is dying of cancer. Much sadness and stress are with us, without speaking of the A)

So.. are we in recovery?

Eric N,

How long did it take for your W to start cringing about the A?

Thanks for all the input.
k

Krusht,,

when me and my wife first went to counseling (JC)
she was defending the OM. Talking all that fog BS.
"he was so attractive he was so nice blah blah....

The Female counselor stood up and said "Listen to yourself dont sit here and defend this OM in front of your husband, your husband is crying his eyes out and here you sit saying you want your marriage,, yet you still compliment this OM. He is nothing more than a predator,, he used you, you let yourself be used,, not loved"
I think hearing this christian counselor say this to her was the first wake up call for my W.

All of the hard work was left up to me. By meeting her needs and focusing on nothing but my Marriage she gradually began to feel "What was I thinking? Look at the husband I have" "What woman would not want a man like my husband?"
It took all of my love and dedication to get the blinders off. When they come off you definately know it. Wife begins to cry more than I did. Constantly apologizes,, begins to start meeting BH's EN's.
It took over 2 months for my WW to see me again and begin to come to terms with the fact that OM used her.
It takes alot of attention and affection to block the OM. YOU HAVE TO BE THE OM, look at her through the OM's eyes, at the same time being yourself. Remember it is not physical, its emotional for the WW. every thing you do together do it times ten.

Eric N,

"YOU HAVE TO BE THE OM, look at her through the OM's eyes, at the same time being yourself"

When I first read this, I thought "WOW very insightful" and I understand from where you are coming with that.

But you said the OM used her and she let herself be used. I'm sure looking at her though "THAT" OM's eyes is not what you mean.

But looking at her through another man's eyes that is attracted to her and is willing to woo (woo woo!) her is how we should treat the W.

To be able to do this when we are obsessing and so angry with the sitch that we can't see straight is a difficult balancing act.

Sounds like it paid off in spades for you!! That is terrific!

Thanks for that response. It has been about 2 months since Dday, and I do see some softening.
k