WW told me she registered with MB. So I expect her to be posting here soon. Wish she was here to actually work something out, but I fear she will just be here to try to cause more pain. To try and isolate me more.

She has been hounding me to stop posting on here and that the "groupies" here at MB are not perfect and not real friends.

I told her none of us on here are perfect. We've all contributed to our marital problems, however we did not choose an A. The members here believe in the institution of marriage.

I recognize alot of the things I've done wrong, mostly out of ignorance. And have chosen to try to better myself. I can't change the past, only the future.

Tom,

I for one won't be throwing any stones at her.

I haven't cheated on my H but I have done plenty of other things in my life that I am not proud of.

She wouldn't have bothered to come here if she didn't want to.

I think she needs someone to talk to ,to be understood, same as the rest of us.

I think in many ways it is harder for the WS. It is hard being the 'bad guy'.

I hope she will find compassion here.

Shul

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that the "groupies" here at MB are not perfect and not real friends.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> however we did not choose an A. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ummm.

Errr...

AHHH...

I hope I am considered a friend, but I did choose an A...

just perspective...

Shul, my thoughts too. I've done many things I look back on and am regretful.

I came here for some support and a place to vent. She followed me here and tried to get me to stop posting. I feel she is trying to remove a place I used as refuge from the turmoil at our home.

I certainly don't want stones thrown at her, she is my wife still.

I hope you are right Shul, and her coming here is the beginning of something positive for Tom Joad. But if she HAS come here to inflict more pain on him, to ridicule his support in what has been a devastating experience, then I don't think she will find much compassion.

Hang in there TJ!

Robby your here because you want to salvage your M, not justify your A. Or remove a support network from your spouse.

Your here for the right reasons. Friend.

Tom - Of course your wife will be welcome here. There is a whole bunch of former WW's here, and they are great.

Hopefully your wife will get some support.

I hope your wife does begin posting here also...i don't know if she considers me one of the 'groupies' since I'm a FWS but I do have a lot in common with her...I also met my 'soulmate' (ugh) online and came real close to being where she is right now...perhaps my experience and those of others will help her gain some perspective and take control of this spiral she finds herself in...

Mostly I'd like to talk to her about how she's treating you and maybe help her see that no matter what 'love' she finds herself in, you still deserve to be treated like a person and someone she has children with...it makes me cringe everytime I read the things she does/says to you, I cringe because I did the same thing before I saw reality and found my OM's 'love' didn't hold a candle to the love I shared with my H and family...

So...welcome Mrs. Joad...if you can leave your defensive attitude at the door, you may just find what you are looking for...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has been hounding me to stop posting on here and that the "groupies" here at MB are not perfect and not real friends.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are the posters here any less real than her OM? I think that this site is a threat to her because the support and knowledge that you receive here are making you stronger rather than a broken down shell of a man that she would like to leave you as.

She would much rather have you isolated so that she can break your spirit and trod on you like a doormat.

She knows that what she is doing is wrong and the words that you (and she) read here pile guilt on her shoulders.

Let her read...let her post...she may finally have an epiphany.

Wow... thanks.

Believer, I know Mrs. Joad would be welcomed. But she is not a former WW. She is an active one with every intention of continueing. And looking for justification.

Dreamcatcher, I don't like the nastyness she exhibits. It all really started after I discovered she had met OM. Before that she was still sweet. I'm not sure I want her to stop the nastyness now ... it is destroying all the feelings I've had for her, making the DV easier on me, making it easier to move on.

WW will come here to bash me. and believe me. I have done some things worthy of bashing. Angry Outbursts, DJs, etc. (When I look back I even felt "justified" in doing them) But not anymore... I've learned some things and am trying to be a better father and husband.

BA, I have the same feelings you do. She is trying to isolate me. Trying to keep me from being a better person. Trying to find more justification to make her children grow up in a one parent home.

I wish she actually did read here. But all she does is read my posts. She doesnt read other stories, other responses.

After she called the police she told me to hurry and tell the "groupies" everything.

I also made some very disrespectful judgements of her last night. Said some things to hurt her. I'm not sure I did, she doesn't care. I slipped up on being a better person.

You know what I hope?

I hope that your WW does register here, even if at first it is for the wrong reasons. I hope that will give her the opportunity to really exchange some thoughts, dialogue, ideas with others who are on all sides of the triangle. I hope she will then accidentally find those people who share in her experience. Then, maybe, even find people who share in yours, so maybe she will hear what you are going through, and possibly empathize with what you are feeling as you watch your marriage and family crumble before your eyes. Maybe she will learn some principles on this site, the principles of LB deposits, POJA, Radical Honesty, and all those other really wise premises that are designed to keep together the love and trust in a marital relationship. Maybe she will see how she can apply those to your marriage. Maybe she will see that you are waiting here, ready, to try that. To make you BOTH wildly happy and fulfilled.

I, for one, would welcome her. Because, the fact is, like all of us, she is hurting and scared, no matter what she wants to admit to you, herself, her family, or the OM. And, I have come to this forum and received a tremendous amount of love, support, understanding, and brutal honesty. All things I desperately needed and aptly received.

This community is generous and kind. I wish for her to truly and honestly experience that!

Mysterious ways....

Maybe this is one of them DipiT.

Tom:

You said:

"I certainly don't want stones thrown at her, she is my wife still."

But you had said:

"Wish she was here to actually work something out, but I fear she will just be here to try to cause more pain. To try and isolate me more.

She has been hounding me to stop posting on here and that the "groupies" here at MB are not perfect and not real friends."

Try 2 understand that, in her current state of mind (whatever that is, becasue we only have your accounting of it 2 go on), she will view your statements as throwing stones at her. At least, they inflame people here against her.

It's a delicate process, this recovery stuff (non-recovery is NOT an option). See if you can focus on your W's good points for a while. If there "aren't any", then focus on yours. Talk about those.

Penny suggested 2 me that I post only suggestions that I would like 2 see myself following - behavior modifications stuff, teaching myself 2 abandon annoying habits.

You see? Your W will always have your "addiction 2 your MB sorry groupies 2 criticize, so long as you focus on the things she says that you believe are silly. (they may be on their own, but your accounting and the feedback you get "helps", you must admit).

Remember what Thumper's mom said 2 him? "If you can't say nuttin' nice, don't say nuttin' at all."

You're getting a DV and your W seems 2 want her A. If it's all such a done deal, what good does it do 2 post and get feedback on the perceived silliness of her behavior. Instead of tearing her down (let her do that), try buoying her up. And if there's nothing good you can find 2 say about her, don't say anything at all.

Let's hear about Tom Joad and how he's doing. How he's recovering. That's all you have control of anyway.

-ol' 2long

2Long, .... Point well taken.

Much frustration here, and fear for kids. Guess I was using this forum almost as a diary for therapy purposes. Guess all the contradictory statements and behaivor of WW made me feel like I was playing pin the tail on the donkey.

Tom Joad, is relatively stable right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Took the kids over my sister's house last night and we played board games and shot some pool. Kids had a great time. Me too.

Been trying to get out in the yard the past few days. Been sick, and now it is raining cats and dogs. Hedges need trimmed bad.

Cooked steaks on the grill last night. WW wouldn't eat with us (napping), but the rest of the family enjoyed it.

I've been on the computer way to much the past week and going to try to do something more productive. Instead of dwelling on the destruction of my family.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom,

I suspect she is coming here to say all the bad things about you that led her into her A. Without her actually admitting an A. I have read the common WS rants here. I am guessing that your WW has said them also.

* It's too late.
* I've tried and tried and tried.
* We never should have been married.
* You/We can't change.

Your WW is upset about you posting here. She probably doesn't believe some of the things you claim she's done or said.

She can't believe it. FWS that post here have all said they couldn't believe/remember some of the things they said and did. SHe doesn't want the "groupie" strangers here to think poorly of her, or she is ashamed of her actions.

I know that you need a place to vent. So that you don't do it at home, with her, or your children. There are some other sites like this one that maybe you can move to. SYMC has a decent one.

I'm still spinning the drain. WW despises me.

Tom,
I understand your sitch, I've wondered if my W will post here or if she reads my posts. I call all of the beautiful people here "My Virtual Support Group" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I won't bash your wife only her actions, we all make mistakes. Don't worry we are all human and if you made some mistakes in the past that only means your par for the course. WE'VE ALL MADE MISTAKES. Your W coming her and bashing you for past mistakes doesn't justify her actions of late. An A is never the appropriate way to deal with problems in your M.

I have a strong feeling that IF you wife comes to MB she will merely lurk as she will see quickly that we are supporters of M's not A's.

Hang in there Tom.

Tom,
I understand your sitch, I've wondered if my W will post here or if she reads my posts. I call all of the beautiful people here "My Virtual Support Group" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I won't bash your wife only her actions, we all make mistakes. Don't worry we are all human and if you made some mistakes in the past that only means your par for the course. WE'VE ALL MADE MISTAKES. Your W coming her and bashing you for past mistakes doesn't justify her actions of late. An A is never the appropriate way to deal with problems in your M.

I have a strong feeling that IF you wife comes to MB she will merely lurk as she will see quickly that we are supporters of M's not A's.

Hang in there Tom.

SpinningtheDrain, I don't believe my WW feels any guilt over what she's doing. At least none that I can tell. She smirks at me as she buries the knife in my back. Looks me in the eye and tells me about OM.

FM, I have told her the same, all of us here have made mistakes. But we are trying to change them.

2Long,
WW wife read your post. Discerned from it that you and everyone here is tired of my "whining and sniviling" and don't want to "hear it" anymore. This was right after she told me that HW Steve would take her to live with him in a second. (even thought she maintains they've never met)

I understood your comments somewhat differently. But either way..

What I've been doing well since learning about myself and damaging habits/behaivors.

* Clear communication... Listen more.

* Control Angry Outbursts (none for several months)

* No porn.

* Provide help around the house. (cooking, laundry, etc)

* Spend more time with children.

What I can improve on.

* Less time on damn computer (was doing well in beginning, but always find myself reading here)

* Home Maint. ( Let a lot of things go. Started out strong, but feel reluctant to do anything for home with DV pending.)

* Disrespectful Judgements. (Again was doing well initially, but back slid the past two weeks badly. Very difficult with WW in my face behaivor.)

Many other things that I simply do not have the opportunity to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has been hounding me to stop posting on here and that the "groupies" here at MB are not perfect and not real friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GROUPIE AND PROUD OF IT.

Internet affairs AIN'T what they're cracked up to be.

I don't care if you beat your wife every day with LBs blah blah blah...the list is endless. The fact of the matter is NOTHING justifies an A. NOTHING.

I think you should do whatever you have to do to get through this. Whining and sniveling allowed.... you have had your entire life turned upside down by someone elses actions and choices.

You're doing great. If she comes, she's welcome..but she'll never find support to continue her Internet A, and nobody here would tell her she's doing the right thing.

Women can be their own worst enemies.

btw...if steve wanted her so bad..where is he ? I don't see him tracking cross country. maybe the journey isn't worth the trip ???? something to ponder.

Dear Tom - I think it is great you are posting here, in away I think it therapeutic for some people, it gives us all a chance to express our feelings, hurt and questions and receive some great advice and sometimes some not so great advice but that is free speach.

I am a fww - I hope your wife does start to post, it helped me greatly reading others stories to realize how wrong the A was, how much I hurt my H, my children and myself.

I think it is great you are working on yourself, you can see the past mistakes and are trying to be a better person...maybe this is bothering your wife, who knows. Don't let her discourage you from expressing yourself - Sandy

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>