Me and WW had a blow up tonight...
She's been totally despondent for over a month now and I am getting to the edge of my tolerance. I tried motivating her, telling her depression is a state we choose. She listened and we began talking exchanging views about her EA and what have you. During the course of our discussions I asked her a few poignant questions referencing her emails to OM. She was totally UPSET that I read her email. I explained to her simply that what choice did she leave me? I've asked her questions and she refused to answer truthfully, what should I have done?

If it were up to our WS's we BS would never know anything! She is of course IRATE with me because I snooped into her email. HAH! I wish I had snooped earlier! She says she wants a divorce. I told her that makes sense, I read your emails weeks ago and I'm still here trying to work our marriage out. You want out because I know the truth? I should know the truth. We need to deal with the truth, that's the only way to know the gravity of our situation and how to fix it. I informed her that in some marriages, spouses share their email account. She shouldn't be upset I read her email, she should be upset with herself about the things she wrote in that email.

Nowwwwww
I'm the bad guy because I took action and investigated to get answers to questions she was unwilling to admit or uncover?

If she is the type of person that thinks its okay to lie to me and then blames me when I uncover her lies then she doesn't deserve to be my W. Plain and simple. I'm a nice guy, a good guy, but I'm nobody's fool! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Okay I take that back I was her fool for over a YEAR but I'm not a fool any longer.

EXPOSURE IS THE ONLY WAY!

She says she wants a D, and if we get a D because I snooped, I can live with that. No spouse should have a "secret" relationship or send "secret" emails contacting anyone that they wouldn't contact with their spouse right next to them witnessing the whole thing.

Correct me, smack me with a 2X4 if neccessay....but I think my logic is right and just...

She's a big fat cake eater..(between me and you that is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Family

Couldn't agree more. You see right now in her state of mind it doesn't matter how good or bad you are. She is not capable of seeing any good in you.

Now you were able to stand your ground. Did it drain you a bit? Had to step out of your normal character to show some tough love and call her bluffs to make you feel guilty?

It will get easier. Ha! In fact you will learn to babble with the best. A turning point will be when you can play her own babble right back at her. Yep, it eventually gets to that point. Of course, the WS don't like it but if you point out that is what they said or are saying, they will still get upset but can't make the blame stick. You become like teflon to the A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep up the good work.

L.

Thanks Orchid...

You should've seen her..

"I want a DIVORCE!"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thats the easy way out...tryin living with a fogheaded, depressed mate for over a month now thats torture <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes it did deplete me a little and she's securely out on the living room couch saying eff me! I'm okay with that. She can eff me all she wants.

Welcome Mat = Yes
Door Mat = No

I want to save my marriage, but I do not want to sell my soul to do so. I will not allow her to decimate my sense of value. Hey, I'll be there for you and support you during your withdrawal, but PLEASE no more friggin lies, no more crap, TELL THE TRUTH. What do we have to lose?

"I want a DIVORCE" that was hilarious. Sista as mad as I am about all of this, don't think for a minute I'm not half way there. People please don't forget I've been going thru this crap for years. Do not use me as your guide, I am NO ROLE MODEL. We reconciled over a year and a half ago...only for me to find out she's maintained contact with OM. I want to make sure other BS's understand my particular situation may be different then theirs. I've been eating crow for a year now and all along I thought it was chicken. I've awaken and I'm not going back to sleep anytime soon.

Imagine that? The lying spouse is mad at the spouse who found out she was lying!
It's like a bad made for tv movie,
but

its my life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 02:33 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

When I first started to snoop and confronted him a few times, mine said to me that if I went looking on the PC, he would make sure I found stuff- that he would put things in there on purpose and I would never know if they were real or not.

Talk about messing with my heart.

CROW is that what that was , mine was taken shape of turkey LOL I like chicken better but I am not going into that denial ever again .

OK enough joking ,one more my H always told me it was my fault I got so hurt if I would have minded my bussness and not snooped I would have never proven the A (that I new he was having ) and there I would have never know , = I would not have hurt LOL LOL LOL

GOTTA love the foggy babble !

OK back to the couch ! If she stays there for long or jets out the door to quik then ,,, RED FLAG there may be contact again .

HOLD your ground , you are not a door mat and your feelings and concerns do need to always addressed .

GOT TO GO check in later !

He we go again.
I can see how this is going to play out.
Another week or so of terrible tension floating around our home. Isn't it cool?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

She told me she feels bad because she kept these lies going for over a year. I had to literally bite my tongue when she expressed so much remorse for not being truthful with OM and OM's mom.

"She was so nice to me, she invited me into their family.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> blah blah blah"

THIS IS YOUR FAMILY RIGHT HERE AND LOOK HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FAMILY.

I still cannot understand why she's so broken up about lying to OM? She keeps saying it wasn't a sexual relationship over the past 1 1/2yrs, just a friendship. If it was just a friendship why was he so upset when I CONTACTED him and told him to stop calling my W? If this was just a friendship why is it he didnt know you and I were together. If this was just a friendship why are you still stewing in guilt 6weeks after D-Day? How does this make sense? I know, I know it's not supposed to make sense. I will not be a blind trusting H ever again.

Family Matters, I am so sorry for what has happened. I was excited for you last week, envious even. These situations are such seesaws.

As far as being a trusting H. I hope one day to be one. But the trust has to be based on openess, not blindness. It has to be based on actions, not suspiciousness.

It is so damn hard to rebuild trust that has been destroyed. Hard to trust someone who looks you in the eye and lies to you. Especially when that person was the one you trusted most in your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom Joad:
<strong> Family Matters, I am so sorry for what has happened. I was excited for you last week, envious even. These situations are such seesaws.

As far as being a trusting H. I hope one day to be one. But the trust has to be based on openess, not blindness. It has to be based on actions, not suspiciousness.

It is so damn hard to rebuild trust that has been destroyed. Hard to trust someone who looks you in the eye and lies to you. Especially when that person was the one you trusted most in your life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Tom, Shul and 3isa..its utterly ridiculous lol. I haven't done a darn thing wrong, tried to stay upbeat, tried to be positive. W is intent on letting things fester and having a crummy homelife. The real issue is not will she come around but when she'll come around. The problem is will I want this M at that point? My attitude is changing, I guess it's exhaustion and motion sickness from this rollercoaster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> of a M.

"OM's mother was so supportive of me, they really cared about me...."
Please tell me how they cared about you and my children. You were dating their son when he was what 20? He was living at home with no real source of income. You were 29,30 at the time with 2 kids a car note, rent, and all types of expenses! You ushered me off because you were in love??? How did they care about you? If OM's mom really cared she would've told you to leave her little son alone he's in no position whatsoever to deal with a woman at your stage of life. If she really cared about YOU she would have told you to FINALIZE your D if you were so intent on being with her son. Gimme a break! She is no friggin saint. She goes on and on how religious OM and his family is...blah! If they're so religious why was he in a R with a MW?
Not to mention our D witnessed all of this garbage, she saw MOMMY acting like a teenager. This whole thing has damaged our D's perception of what M is and what's responsibile behaviour.

People can "JUSTIFY" anything they darn well please and still go to church on Sunday and call themselves spiritual. My W actually attended church with OM and went to the altar!?!?! How can you go to the altar with your adulterous partner on your arm? What a crock of cow chips! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm ranting, but better a rant to you guys then calling her and telling her what I think about all of this. We are where we are. If she ever wants my trust back her life will have to be an open book! I want my life to be an open book as well, I need the support sometimes and that's what a mate should provide. Spouses should keep one another on the right track and aid them in achieving goals and overcoming their vulnerabilities and challenges. My W is extremely territorial and defensive! She wants to have her own WORLD and then another world where I and her reside. Sorry lady we only get one world which we share together.

My gas tank of tolerance is getting close to E!
I'm officially running on FUMES,
someone get the gas can QUICK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Wow...I thought I had written a post and forgot about it. I'm in almost the exact position FM. Hang in there. I really like the welcome mat/door mat point. It helped me very much.

FM.....

At the risk of painting a bullseye on my own butt and running through a shooting range...I can honestly say that the approach that you are taking has been the only effective one for our marriage. I think maybe it has to do with respect? If you don't respect yourself why should anyone else? The mindset that you are approaching this with has been the turning point in our marriage, and for the better. I would like to take the opportunity to address something, and would be really interested to hear the responses, regarding plan "A" and LBing. There are things that I have come to realize that I simply can not tolerate in my life to any degree because to do so will destroy me at an organic level . I do not have to be harsh, nasty, disrespectfull, or viscious in order to have my boundaries firmly in place. Being unwilling to accept lies, or to accept the affair waved under your very nose is in no way disrespecfull to your spouse. From where I am standing accepting this sort of behavior makes a mockery of your marriage. I have read the concepts and heartily embrace them...but what I see being practiced often does not look like what was described. I hope that I am not incorrect, I have been acting from the position that plan "A" exists to give the WS an opportunity to see what the BS is willing to offer. A chance to have interaction devoid of LB's. A chance for the BS to apologize for their own misconduct. I do not see it as a carte blanche acceptance that you swallow whatever they feel like doing, and with whom, with a smile on your face. That would be a lie, we are not willing to live that way, we know it, we should have no pretense that we might to pacify the distress of a cake eating WS. So a loud and thunderous applause..followed by a head shake and a goofy eyerolling smile regarding her distress that you have shed a light where she preferred the dark, the fog is a dark and mysterious thing..Cheers--Noodle

Oh WOW FM

When you wrote that post about discovering your WW's contact with OM and her reaction........I just blushed a deep, deep, really deep red.......... so embarrassed........ thats what I was like when my H confronted me about the A, I mean that attitude.
I gave every stupid reason you could think of why I was having an A, all lies, but I had forgotten my rightous like affront that he didn't believe me.
If you dont laugh too much at me I'll tell you the last I gave......'I was helping a friend with his M problems"........ no wonder he thought I was so stupid......good God.......wearing a paper bag until I return to almost normal.

Well I hope she comes to her senses, I might have left it too late, not sure yet, so hope she snaps out of it.
All the best

Hey Noodle,
"I do not see it as a carte blanche acceptance that you swallow whatever they feel like doing, and with whom, with a smile on your face. That would be a lie, we are not willing to live that way, we know it, we should have no pretense that we might to pacify the distress of a cake eating WS." - AMEN

Very well put...