H finally came over and told me that it is not going to work. He said it is not the OW and not that he wants to go be with other women. He said we should not talk for a while, because it is too hard on me, not on him(he does not even seem sad).

I had a terrible weekend. I just can not understand what it is. If it was the ow I could at least understand, but he says he is just not meant to be married and can not be the husband I want him to be.

I found cards this weekend that he wrote not too long ago saying how he hopes to grow old with me and how I am the best thing that has happened to him. I just do not see how people can change like this. Affair or not?

He still says it is nothing I have done. I have been the best wife anyone could ask for and there is nothing to be ashamed about, that it just did not work out. I just can not accept that, I need to know why? He says he does not know why.

He is being very helpful about money, etc. He says he will probably leave town in a month and not sure what he will do. He says that he wants us to be best friends again and hopes in the future we can hang out and we are old talk on the phone. I just do not get it? I love him with all of my heart and miss him, I do not want to just hang out with him one day. I want him to be my partner in life.

When you are together are you crying, begging and pleading?

lovetoomuch, I'm not your husband so I can't answer your questions..but just because he says it's not *you* and not *ow*, doesn't mean that that's true. He may even really believe that.

I've gotten the same kind of speech from my H (but we are still talking, etc). For a long time I believe him. But now I'm of the mind..well, maybe it is because of all that, but maybe it isn't.

See, when he had the A, he had a wonderful relationship!! I hate to say that, but it's true. They had a lot in common, both had troubled marriages, etc. He said to himself, "See? It's possible for me to be happy with someone other than my wife." His A ended (but not 100% contact) before I found out about it, but I think that thought stuck with him..that it was possible for him to be happy with someone else.

Ya know what? of COURSE it's possible for him to be happy with someone else!! The idea of soulmates is great and all, but let's face it..it is possible to truly love more than one person in your lifetime.

What he admits, but thinks is irrelevant..is that he never told me how unhappy he was. He never gave me an honest chance to change the behavoirs that I have, that may have contributed to the demise of our marriage. He knows his A was couched in fantasy, but he also thinks that's irrelevant. At the moment he believe that I was never "the one" for him.

All I'm saying is that your huband probably really believes that what he's telling you is true. So for now you have to accept that because for him, it IS true. This is not something you can argue against (lol, believe me--I've tried!). I know how hard it is for you, but I would respect his wish for minimal contact for the next couple of months. He says he wants to be best friends again (so does my husband..and honestly, if we *do* end up getting a divorce, I hope that we can be best friends again too but it will take a long time) so I do think you have hope, even if he leaves. If he really does want to be friends then no contact with you will probably be difficult. I'll bet that if you respect his wishes that you will be rewarded. If this goes through though, I would not let him forget you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Make sure you know where he'll be living (I can't imagine that if he wants to be friends that he wouldn't let you know in general how things are going). Send him a card every couple of weeks with something positive but impersonal--something like you'd send a cousin. "Just wanted to say that I hope things are going well for you and that you are coming to peace within yourself." Don't tell him how you are, don't tell him how much you're missing him. Just indicate that you hope his quest for happiness is being fulfilled.

((hugs)). Believe me I know how hard this is and I know the day may come when I have to ask for no contact with my husband. I dread that day truly because it will be so very very difficult. Keep us up to date, kay?

Yes. I probably cried too much in front of him. I know it is wrong, but I just can not understand. If we hated one another or something, it would be easier to not show these emotions. I know he will come by this week to drop off something we need for the house. I do not know if I will be there to see him, or if he will try to avoid me. I guess we will have to meet and talk about seperation papers, etc. I am not sure.

lovetoomuch,

I want you to think about something and ask yourself some hard questions. How do you think it makes your H feel to see you crying and carrying on? Do you think it REPELS him? Or do you think it makes him want to be at your side?

If you were your H, who would you want to be around: a crying, pleading mess of a wife that makes you feel like a heel or a pleasant, happy OW who makes you feel good?

Which one would you choose if you were him?

I know. I know. I am just not sure it matters. I did so well while he was in limbo and now that he decided to go it just does not seem to matter. I will definately try to do better when and if we talk again soon. he says we do not need to talk so I am not sure when he will contact me again. Maybe later in the week. I will definately try to be stronger and try not to contact him since that is his wishes. i guess I will try to keep the conversation light and not talk about R. I am sure if we start talking about things it will be hard...

love,

Crying, begging, and pleading are LOVEBUSTERS that push him away. Certainly there are no guarantees at this point, but you sure aren't going to attract him back acting like that.

And don't believe for a MINUTE that he is anything close to resolute. He is confused as hell right now. And the way you can really shake things up is to CALM DOWN and start acting in a way that will ATTRACT him instead of REPEL him.

Make it PLEASANT to be around you.

Don't call him, and when he calls you, be as pleasant as possible. Believe me, that has woken up more than a few WS's!

I think I have cried enough! I will not call him and try to be pleasant. I am usually not this emotional about things. I get so weak when he talks about ending things. I will do better, i will do better!!! Thank you for the help. I hope my pleasantness will help wake him up, maybe eventually. I hope him not talking to me everyday will make him realize. I am not sure but I will do my best. Should I just be distant and wait until he calls and then talk to him as normal as possible. Since he has chosen to move out and move on should I do anything else or just wait to see what this distance does to us?

love, just be as pleasant as possible and don't pursue him at all. Just keep in mind that he is VERY CONFUSED and all his talk of ending your marriage could rapidly change tomorrow. He is CONFUSED!

So, the strategy for now is act pleasant, no crying, no pleading, etc. You are now on a program of ATTRACTION. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I definitely know how you are feeling. Been there done that. My husband of 8 years (been together for 10) left three weeks ago today. I had no idea anything was wrong. He told me that he loved me and always will but was not in love with me or happy and then later told me he was tired of being the low man on the totem pole. He is very confused and I am just giving him space. I tried the first week to reason with him but that did not work. He has also pulled away from two boys that he has been a part of their lives for 10 years (they are not his. I don't understand and I'm not sure if I will. He does not call but has come by and hugged me and kissed me and then the next day said it was a mistake. I'm trying to be strong right now and let him have time. Only time will tell and God working on his heart.

Generall I agree with MelodyLane's stuff, but, well --

Crying, begging, and pleading are LOVEBUSTERS that push him away.

Actually, lovebusters are angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, annoying habits, dishonesty, and independent behavior.

Crying isn't on the list.

Begging and pleading can be, if they're selfish demands. However, saying something like "I am really, really hurt by all this and I really want you to come home" is not a SD or DJ.

However, crying CAN make your nose blotchy and your face feel swollen, which isn't all that attractive.

If you can't help it, you can't help it..... but keep your chin up nonetheless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Generall I agree with MelodyLane's stuff, but, well --

Crying, begging, and pleading are LOVEBUSTERS that push him away.

Actually, lovebusters are angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, annoying habits, dishonesty, and independent behavior.

Crying isn't on the list.

Begging and pleading can be, if they're selfish demands. However, saying something like "I am really, really hurt by all this and I really want you to come home" is not a SD or DJ.

However, crying CAN make your nose blotchy and your face feel swollen, which isn't all that attractive.

If you can't help it, you can't help it..... but keep your chin up nonetheless. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know. It is hard to understand how people can change their feelings, when nothing you have noticed has really changed. Granted, my H had an affair, but he says it is not that he wants to be with her, or anyone else. He says I am great and the best wife and did nothing wrong. I asked a thousand times, what did I do or not do? I just feel that I need an answer. He just says he knows he will hurt me in the future. Maybe since he had the A he feels he can not trust himself again. I am willing to try..

I too want to try but it takes two people with their hearts in it to even try to make it work. It hurts that my H doesn't want to try right now. He originally wanted to go to counseling but now he doesn't. He is living at his brothers and has no care in the world about what he has done to the family. This is not the man that I have loved for 10 years so I don't want him to come back. I do want him to atleast give it a try before throwing it all away. I still have some hope because he has not taken all of his stuff out of the house and told me the other day he can't come home until he figures out why he left so that it won't happen again. Don't know what that means because in the same breath he told me I need to do what I need to do. I don't understand because he won't talk to me because he said that when he talks to me he gets on a guilt trip.. Must be because he is guilty. I still love him with all my heart and sole. Time will tell what will happen with us as it will with you lovesomuch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> lovetoomuch: H finally came over and told me that it is not going to work. He said it is not the OW and not that he wants to go be with other women. He said we should not talk for a while, because it is too hard on me, not on him(he does not even seem sad). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Fog babble. If you check carefully you will see his face distort when he is speaking to you. It may seem as if he is morphing into an alien you have never seen before. Learn how to watch for these painful occurrences.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> lovetoomuch: I had a terrible weekend. I just can not understand what it is. If it was the ow I could at least understand, but he says he is just not meant to be married and can not be the husband I want him to be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: I am sorry you are in such pain. BTW, it is about the A not neccessarly the OW. He is trying hard to deflect from the A. Don't let him. He may later try to blame you thereby adding to your confusion.

'he is not meant to be married'. Does his body know that? What does that mean? More fog babble. We have heard that stuff before. Right now he isn't being the H you need him to be. See how his foggy statements are meant to throw you off? It is important you learn how to read his statements correctly. It is not easy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> lovetoomuch: I found cards this weekend that he wrote not too long ago saying how he hopes to grow old with me and how I am the best thing that has happened to him. I just do not see how people can change like this. Affair or not? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: I found anniversary cards from my also. Just the previous year before the A started. Go figure. I showed them to the WS and asked 'what happened to the guy who wrote these cards?' Then I asked if that guy was lying all those years I got those loving cards because the WS told me he never loved me. That one got him. I didn't tell him but I asked him.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> lovetoomuch: He still says it is nothing I have done. I have been the best wife anyone could ask for and there is nothing to be ashamed about, that it just did not work out. I just can not accept that, I need to know why? He says he does not know why. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: So you are blameless at this point. In his foggy eyes, this stance may change when the OW finds out you have a good rating in his eyes. This can be used to your advantage. Especially if he is hooked up with a real needy, nutty OW. I learned that the OW in my case wanted to even control me. WRONG!!!

He doesn't know why because he is having a A. He won't and will not give you the right reason because that will make his A look bad. You can learn how to reverse babble to get your info. You need to read the MB concepts and implement them 1st.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> lovetoomuch: He is being very helpful about money, etc. He says he will probably leave town in a month and not sure what he will do. He says that he wants us to be best friends again and hopes in the future we can hang out and we are old talk on the phone. I just do not get it? I love him with all of my heart and miss him, I do not want to just hang out with him one day. I want him to be my partner in life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Orchid: Best friends? Ask him to find a best friend who treats their friends this way. Yep, make you cry, abandon your family, destroy your hopes and dreams, etc..... he s/b glad if you even speak to him again..... best friend is not an option. Again just ask questions - don't teach or tell him too much.

The man you love is not the man who is hurting you. Fingerprints will say he is the same person but his character is changing more and more like the OW. He won't be able to continue this double life for long. The sooner there is exposure, the better. That really dampens the A. Makes it lose it's luster of excitement.

Hope this helps.
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just J:
<strong> Generall I agree with MelodyLane's stuff, but, well --

Crying, begging, and pleading are LOVEBUSTERS that push him away.

Actually, lovebusters are angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, annoying habits, dishonesty, and independent behavior.

Crying isn't on the list.

Begging and pleading can be, if they're selfish demands. However, saying something like "I am really, really hurt by all this and I really want you to come home" is not a SD or DJ.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear ya, Just J! They aren't on the official Harley list, but I would sure consider them a lovebuster because they have the same effect as a lovebuster, they push the WS away. All of those behaviors make the BS look unattractive and make the WS uncomfortable. So if I am a WS and my spouse does those things, I will want to be around her as little as possible.

If Crying is not on the Love Buster list , it should be. IMHO on TOP of the list.

So if your cat (or whatever) died, it would be a lovebuster to cry? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Crying could be considered an annoying habit, depending on why or how much you cry.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> So if your cat (or whatever) died, it would be a lovebuster to cry? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think so.