Hey all,,

I was just thinking this morning! Scary! but yea, I was actually thinking.

I have been reading so much of these post where the WS will simply not quit contact with OP. So we plan B them. Say that PLan B is a success and our WS comes back after a year or 2 of the OP.

Lets say recovery takes place. The 2 couples reconcile and have a few years of great marriage.

Then the WS goes back to thier old ways again,, has another affair.

Would this be considered a deal breaker? Would you resort to DV immediately. Would you plan A and Plan B again???? I mean to me it seems there has to be a line drawn somewhere.
I see so much of this repeatitive WS and it really doesnt give me much hope that my WS will stay faithful. It almost feels like she is sure to hurt me again,,,, if she does am I wrong to consider it the dagger through the heart of our marriage?

Also, why are there so many repeatitive affairs.
You think one time would be aenogh reminder for a lifetime.

I mean are there people in this world who are just not capable of being faithful?

There are people who do this stuff repetitively, and I think, those people are a whole different sort of A animal.

But, there are plenty of WS's on this board who did what they did, were horrified by it, got through it, and will never look back. Eric, there are plenty of WS on the board who are helping other WS who would never like to do that, be who they were when they were doing it, who are NOT gonna go there again. So, couldn't your W feasibly be an example of that??

All I am saying is, it is silly to hyphothesize about a potential other affair, etc. TRY and get through this one first, ya know?

For me, IF my WH had wanted to reconcile, IF he had actually been strong enough to get through withdrawal, and humble enough to admit fault, IF, IF, IF, it for me would have definitely been a deal breaker IF he would have had a repeat performance. I can only guess a full recovery experience and everything that comes with it would be enough to damn near kill me, so, the prospect of doing that again is not too pretty.

But, that cannot be your focus right now. Focus on today. What can you do to get through today and still be married to your WW.

Hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, why are there so many repetitive affairs.
You think one time would be aenogh reminder for a lifetime.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eric, the A happened for a reason, EN not being met, low self esteem, there is a list a mile long I'm sure.

My thinking is this. If you figure out the reason behind the A, you learn from it, you improve yourself your marriage, and you step away from this and never return.

Change the behavior that led you to this point, create an enviroment for your spouse and yourself that is A proof.

You know the saying LIVE AND LEARN, there are some that do, and some that don't and will repeat history.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean are there people in this world who are just not capable of being faithful? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would think this is a person lacking in morals, and not just a person who has compromised their morals due to their personality flaws.

KY

serendipity,,,

What I am really reflecting on is this,,,,
While this is the first time my wife hurt me in our marriage it is the 2nd since I met her.
After 2 years of dating I caught her red handed in bed with a 16 year old boy she met at some reunion. I think she was 21 at the time.
I was able to totally forgive her for that one even though we separated and saw other people for a while. We still were able to patch it up and later get married. Well, I was thinking of all the things she said to me when I caught her in bed with that boy, "I am sorry ,I will never do it again" "please dont leave me,, I love you,, I was drunk" blah blah.
We get married and not even 5 yrs into our marriage she is involved in a 3 month ea and pa with another man. Once again she tells me all of the same things,,, IM sorry,, It will never happen again,,, I love you.
Am I setting myself up for a third offense?
If so is the three strike rule in affect,,, shes out?

Eric, we posted at the same time, but I would say, your W needs to learn and understand why this is happening.

She needs to fix the problem, or yes, it could happen again.

I think the goal of recovery is that the M becomes what it should have been. One where everyone is open and honest.

I now know that me and my WW did not know how to be happily married. We are going to MC and have openly acknowledged the fact that our M may be over. She has agreed to NC, albiet reluctantly. I have to try as hard as I can, and I can only hope she does too.

If we stay together, and there is another A, I firmly believe that would be the end fo our M. You know the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, I am not 100% behind that, but I am going to require safegaurds in place to prevent another A.

I hate to admit it, but on Oprah once, she asked Halle Berry (Barry?) about what she was thinking getting married to such losers (I guess both her XH had A's). All Halle could say is that she now knows what a red flag is.

I feel as though I know what a red flag is. Staying out till 2:30am two or three nights a week. Being evasive. Lying. These things will no longer be tolerated by either me or my WW, if we stay together. So, I feel that our M will be affair proof, to a degree.

I think the feeling of being loved and loving is worth the risk, but it should not be undertaken lightly. There has to be guidelines.

If my WW honors her NC, I am looking forward to coming to a great conclusion of this mess. Maybe as a single dad of two, or the husband of two children and a step-child. I am ready for either.

If she does not honor her NC comitment, I am done.

I think.

So, I did not help much, but I believe if we get through this, I will see the breakdown of our M long before an A happens. At least I hope so.

Aha...Eric, now I understand.

Perhaps I am not the one to give you advice on this one.

WH cheated on me TWICE (at least that I know of) when we were dating. I chalked that up for stupid, childish dating behavior, and like you, we split for awhile, but eventually got back together. And the premise that faithfulness was less important in a dating relationship than it is in a marital relationship, was much of what I was going on to legitimize WH's behavior.

Then, fast forward 2 years into our marriage. A terrible time. We were both miserable. Young. With a Young family. There was this girl that was literally STALKING my H. She was nasty and crude and UGLY, so, I reasoned away in my own mind that it was me just being paranoid. But, now, knowing what I know now, I am pretty sure WH was having a PA with her too. She even called my house one time at 3am in the morning, and WH's excuse was "She was calling me to let me know that my work shift on Monday is different." So, why the hell is she calling my house in the middle of the night on a Friday???

So, my WH is a repeat offender. If you were to sit him down and ask him, he would have an excuse for every one. An excuse for lying and cheating while dating (we were young, we were not married yet, it is during the dating years that you are supposed to experiment and see other people, etc). He would never admit the time when we were married. And this time, well, this time he argues that he entered into that relationship because he was done with ours. I found a letter this weekend that he wrote me about 3 weeks before the confirmed PA, and he is talking about how I am his best friend, a great lover, his soulmate, how happy I make him, how I am his best friend, on and on and on, for 5 pages! So...that's funny...cuz you never told me we were done, but quite the contrary. And, another thing to mention on "being done," is that according to our vows, being done is impossible, unless of course, you are dead. TIL DEATH DO US PART.

Anyhow, that is partly why I am at peace with my D. I see now where I passed by a bunch of red flags when marrying WH in the first place. If not in his unfaithfulness, the multiple cheating episodes while dating, but, he also lied constantly, I caught him in lie after petty lie. Silly stuff that did not warrant lying. I would have dropped any other guy like a bad habit in a NY minute for less sins than WH has commited against me!!!

So, I KNEW this would be a repeat performance for me. He does not have the fabric of character to stick it out, do the hard thing. He takes the coward's way out all the time. Radical honesty would be something he could not possibly adhere to, etc. And I deserve better. No more. I want better.

Again, I am a bad frame of reference for this one.

Eric, I think the fact that this is a repeat offense in your situation warrants at the very least some exploration of this issue in counseling. Why does your wife keep choosing this behavior? Is it as KY said, because she was not getting her needs met then, either? If you address and remedy this, are you going to be effectively Affair proofing your Marriage? Or, is this behavior indicative of something else? These are all issues that you must explore together. But, again, having these questions answered are more examples of the policy of radical honesty and joint agreement at work. In order for Eric to be happy and feel secure in this relationship, this is an aspect that needs to be explored.

Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Can they ever be faithful -I was a WW in my last marriage. WHY - deep down - I don't think I ever truly/deeply loved this man. We got along, had fun together, great sex, I think I loved him as a person - but, was I in love-hmmm, maybe not..

This time around I do truly/deeply love my WH. I could never cheat on him. Even with his having multiple A's - I have not cheated. I've had men hit on me and yes, I'm very flattered even though my WH has denied me sex for years and walks all over me - I love him to the depth of my soul..I don't want another man - I want him - hmm, maybe because I can't have him...Who knows...

Your WW needs theraphy to find out why she really has cheated on you. Maybe all she can give isn't what you are looking for in a M..If you truly love her you may have to settle for that...and be happy with what she can give.

I believe some people can only give a part of themselves. But, I'm the same poster that believes she's M to a sexual predator..Go figure...

IH,,

Yes I love my wife. I have allways loved her.
does that mean if she cheats again I should accept the fact that she is not a one man woman, and then decide if I can live with that or divorce her?
I mean I know I dont want a swinger lifestyle. It seems to me if she has a third affair she may want that lifestyle.
I have had very good talks with her about this, she insist that this affair was her eye opener and I do not have to worry ever again.
Unfortunately it is like the boy who cried wolf now.

I posted this before somewere. Repetitive chaotic interpersonal relationships(A's) have NOTHING to do with the BS or LB's or not loving enough or etc.. They are all about serious personality deficits established as children. Usually but not always the women get their sexual identity from their father and men vice versa.

I am paraphrasing David Viscott,MD. May he RIP

Eric - I was referring to her loving your deeply enough.

Has she said why she's thinks she's had an A ? Is it the emotional side? Sexual? Thrill?

I think some of us let them off the hook too easy and that's why the "can" be repeat offenders. We want our M back sooo bad that we make it easy. They didn't pay a big price for their infidelity. They get away with it..so they do it again.

I'm sure my WH feels that I will NEVER leave him..and that's why he won't stop - he hasn't lost anything (in his eyes) he's sorry he got caught - but, that's it.

I too think there is something wrong upstairs when they repeatedly hurt the ones that love them. THat it did start in childhood. They are lacking something. They are empty and try anything to fulfill themselves - no matter the price.

I hope your WW never puts you thru this again..that she learnt that losing you and your M isn't worth it..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has she said why she's thinks she's had an A ? Is it the emotional side? Sexual? Thrill?

At first all I got from her when I asked this was.... "Because I am a whore, a slut you are just to good for me" That was her vented guilt response.
Basicly she was going out every wed night and having too much alchohol, eventually she met a man who also liked going out and having too much alchohol, he was her partying man, I was her faithful husband and father. Things she said->->->
"He was so fun to be around" "He was the bad boy, had been to jail, did drugs, pierced nipples and pierced penis,,YUCK, had tattoos on his chest and arms somehow his crazy lifestyle attracted me"
That is what I got for the reason,,, she still says there was nothing I did wrong, it was not my fault. Ofcoarse I know if I would have went to her wed night hangout or detered her from going none of this would have happened. She claims it was THE BAD BOY SYNDROME, she has been with a nice man that she loves, but never got crazy with the BAD BOY.
You can decide if that is logic or not.
When someone asks me how she could have been with such a thuggy man, the only reply I can give is IT was some kinda BAD BOY SYNDROME> heh heh go figure!