O'kay, so my husband is coming in two days to visit for a week. We have not seen each other since I left in mid-June.

I am so scared right now. I don't even know how to act around him anymore.

-We always been very affectionate with each other. I'm not sure if this is still acceptable or not. "I love you" has been a HUGE part of our relationship. We've stopped saying it on phone and email/IM. Should I avoid saying it during his visit? What if he says it to me? He won't say it unless he means it. Also, when he REALLY is truly feeling it, he usually says, "I *do* love you, you know." So how do I react to that?

-He has friends in the town where I live. If he wants to go out with them one night, should I just be gracious and encourage him to go? Should I say, "That sounds great, if you're comfortable with it, I'd love to go too."

-I've been changing a lot of bad habits since I left and developing good ones. I am worried that the pressure of his visit will cause me to backslide a bit (i have horrible motivation problems)...any hints on avoid this, other than just "don't backslide"? any recommended pep-talks I could give myself?

-What about sex? I'm not embarrassed to say that I want to. But I believe he has probably been dating people since I left. I'm on birth-control but am going to buy some condoms. I think this will throw him a little bit, but I NEED to be safe. Is this something I should bring up before sex is an issue--or should I just pull one out if we have sex with no explanation?

-My biggest worry of them all is "R" talks. I want to have a really enjoyable and fun week with him. I want him to leave here with only great thoughts of me. But I fully admit that no "R"-talks is EXTREMELY difficult for me. I have a need to MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND, which of course I can't. I'm pretty sure that R-talks are a LB for him right now so I need to avoid them. I'm able to do this on the phone and email right now, but this is going to be for a whole week!!! Please give me some pointers on how to avoid them!! Also, he never brings up our "R". What if he does during this trip (especially if I've avoided it)? Do I divert the conversation entirely? Do I say something like, "I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of soul-searching since I left. I believe that I have found a way where we can both find this marriage to be a very loving and satisfying one-better than it ever has been. You've said that you're willing to work on things, but I do not have the impression that you are committed to doing everything we can to build a new marriage. I'm not sure that this is the right time to talk about our relationship. How would you feel about putting that talk off until your next visit?" I just don't know!!! I do know that I need to avoid bringing it up..but I'm NOT sure what to do if HE brings it up!!

Any advice would be GREATLY welcomed!!!

PS I'm sure that we will be visiting his parents. What should I say if his step-mom asks how things are going with us? They know we're separated, of course. Have expressed their regret that we've come to this point but I don't know how they really feel about it all.

Hmmm. Well I would get the house sparkling clean, have a vase of flowers, and generally make it look like you are moving on with your life.

As far as SF - protection is vital. I think I would discuss it beforem if it looks like things are going that way.

And no relationship talk unless he brings it up. And your answer above is very good.

If you start losing it, come here and vent.

forgive me if i'm a little behind the 8 ball but WHY is he coming to visit? this is something I need to know before I can suggest anything. I want to know what he has told you about why he is coming and i want you to tell me what your impression is of where he is at.

you've got some good question in which i will try to help you w/but like i said i really need to know the "why."

roughroad, we made an agreement when I left that we would try to visit with each other every other month and possibly spend the holidays together.

My assessment is this, though there may be a lot of hopeful thinking in here. I think my husband doesn't REALLY want a divorce but thinks it might be the only solution. He says he loves me but is not sure he wants to be married. I do believe he loves me. He's WILLING to work on things, but won't *commit* to it. I don't feel that he thinks I can change some of the habits that helped to bring us to this point (I'm not taking all the blame here, just acknowleding my contribution).

I actually think we have a really good chance of working things out. BUT..I think the fact that he's dating will hamper this (and he's not willing to give that up right now) and I think the fact that we're so far apart hampers this. I do feel that if he committed himself to trying to work things out, that we would be able to do it. That is my assessment.

As far as his visit..well, it was something we agreed upon--every other month. What surprised me is that he didn't originally think he would be able to make it this month because of his work schedule (schools and deployment). School ended up not being possible, but I never would've known if he hadn't told me...so something is telling me that he at least sees the POSSIBILITY of change. I think he's coming up BOTH because he wants to AND because it's something we agreed on..but don't know that for 100% (trying not to be too hopeful here).

okay, that helps, sounds like things are more hopeful than my situation, not wanting to be M and then being involved w/someone is totally different. i know it still hurts you but anyway, you have good reason to be hopeful. the pull of another woman (actually a girl IMO) is a terrible thing to have to deal with. but this is your thread not mine.

it would seem to me then if this is something you agreed to then i would probably expect some kind of R talk to be brought up by him. i'm only to say expect it not to actually bring it up yourself which you know you can't do. but you want to be prepared just the same. i think you have the right idea about what you said to reply to him but i just toned it down a little and you could just say "I believe that I have found a way where we can both find this marriage to be a very loving and satisfying one-better than it ever has been, but I'm not sure that this is the right time to talk about our relationship, is that okay w/you?" when you suggest to put it off to your next visit this is making an assumption that there will be a next visit. i don't want to hurt you by saying that but it is a possibility that a lot of things can change and he may not want to have another visit. by saying something about another visit, you are expecting a continuation of sorts and i think this would be too much at this point (BTW that's straight from SH).

As i have said before and i'm sure you have read on my threads that SH says to treat all R/M talk like a battleground and as a place that you don't want to overstay your welcome. because any time you are in that type of talk, you are left unguaraded and out in the open for attack. but we also know that we can't control the S and if the R talk is brought up by him, then you just have to do your best to redirect the conversation. you could say something like "I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of soul-searching since I left and because of what i've been learning about myself i'm not really in a position where i'm ready to talk about that." but i would caution you in letting him think that everything is all hunky dorey as well. it's like letting him get a get out of jail free card. it will be easy for him to compartmentalize things when he's away from you and I would even go as far as saying that when he's w/you as well and not treating you as the W that you are.

always try to remain pleasant and matter of fact. keep things light. talk about things that you know are of interest to him or of things you know he might like (such as sports teams, etc.) movies, weather, mutual friends. but if he asks how you are doing, you really need to think about how you are going to answer this. I say that because this is where many MB'ers will disagree about what to say. some will say to be strong and say things that will make him believe you are moving on and you don't need him, others will say to be honest and let him know that you are hurting, etc. this is why you really need to be in counseling and w/the harley's if at all possible. but i know that's really expensive and not everyone can do that. i know our situations are different but what SH has told me to say is "i'm struggling but tomorrow is another day." if my H were to ask why i was struggling or what was going on then i would just say "well, i'm not w/my H but tomorrow is another day." this allows him to feel some part of how his behavior is affecting you, you are able to answer the question but lead away from the subject at the same time. so it's up to you how you want to answer those type of questions but just rehearse how you're going to answer it and things your H might say. you could just say that you are just doing the best that you can or taking one day at a time, etc.

will you be working while he is staying w/you? or are you guys going to be around each other for more than 12 hours a day? i guess i'm just wondering what he is expecting and what his plans are for while he is there.

i wouldn't say ILY to him unless you really feel like the time fits the situation. If he says it to you, then you could say something like "it means a lot to me to hear you say that to me and i love you too" but don't really dwell on the whole ILY subject for i think it will lead to things or hurt you don't want to really confront.

as far as him going out w/his friends? well i'm not sure i have a really good answer for that. do you think these friends are a good influence on him? i think the reply you came up with "That sounds great, if you're comfortable with it, I'd love to go too." sounds good. but you have to be prepared for him to want to have a guys night out. as far as what you consider "backsliding" i'm not sure what you are referring to and your bad habits. do you mean playing pool, eating poorly, drinking, going to bars? i could really answer you until i know more specifically about what this means to you. but it's something i've contemplated myself. like w/alcohol. i know that is something that God does not want me to do so i imagine that IF (a very very big if) me and my H are back together and he wants to drink, or wants me to, etc. well i've come up w/saying that "i want to have all my wits about me when i am w/you and don't want to have anything cloud my judgement or anything that doesn't allow myself to fully be in control." it's the only thing i've been able to come up w/so far.

Sex, that's something that i really cannot advise on. it's been 9 months since i've been w/my H and i really really want to be. i just can't see anything like that happening anytime soon and i'm just kind of taking the one day at a time approach or i'll cross the bridge when it comes approach. but our situations are different and i think it's wise to prepare for everything.

about his step mom? well i don't know what the religious beliefs are of the family or of anyone involved but you could say "well, we still need prayer about that." or you could tell her that you are just trying to take one day at a time. that way you are answering her about you but not necessarily about your H. or you could just be really honest and say "i'm not sure really how to answer that question right now, you might have to ask H but that you are doing what you can to work on yourself." very delicate situation.

this will be scary for you,heck, i'm scared for you but just try to follow your actions w/your words at all times. if you've said you have changed then you have got to stick by that. you do want him to leave w/the most attractive picture of you as he can and that includes you being his wife. i think that as long as you can really minimize the LB's and walk away from the interaction w/a good feeling then you did what you could. some times it's hard for us BS to make LB deposits when our S won't let us but we can certainly do what we can to not make withdrawals!

i still think it would be wise to have a mindset of expect the worse and hope for the best. that way you will always be prepared. expect that he will be there but not really want to spend any time w/you, expect that he will get their late or that he will want to end the trip early. expect that he is coming up there w/some of the worst news you can imagine. when that doesn't happen you will be very much relieved and a pleasant person to be around. if something "bad" happens then you will have expected it and come up w/ways to deal w/it. you will find as time goes on you will be able to pick yourself up faster and faster.

but i could be totally wrong and this could be a totally wonderful experience and he won't want to leave. just want to help and support you though Maddy and somtimes that expect the worse, hope for the best attitude really helps you deal w/these interactions. remember to start and end each day in a prayer and come here if you have any more questions. continued prayers to you, RR

Yes, rr..I see our situations as very similiar. I can definitely see my relationship getting to the point where you and your H's is if I don't do something to change things. I've read your threas with SH a couple of times now and even cut&pasted into a document the things I found relevant to my own situation.

My husband did have an affair last year which is when I initially learned that he was so unhappy with our marriage. He claims that the A is irrelevant to our current situation but as someone else said to me, it made him believe that our current problems are insurmountable. It gave him the false impression of a very great and very compatible relationship with someone other than myself. He's dating now (I assume) which I also consider to be an affair. So he may not have the pull of a specific woman, but he does have the pull of "the single life".

Nods to toning it down. There will more than likely be another visit since he HAS to come to town at the end of October anyway. Currently planning on staying with me, but I know that could change. And please don't worry about saying something that will hurt me! I know where the cards lie atm and want HONEST advice..not just what I want to hear (one of our major problems in the marriage--him not telling me things in order to avoid hurting me).

Yes, rr..I am worried about how to portray my current state. What SH told you to say is on the idea of what I'd like to do, but I do need to find my own wording. That would not sound right coming out of my mouth and I need to find something that feels real. On the one hand I *do* want him to see me developing my own interests and doing things to make myself happy--like going to yoga class (which I'm still going to do while he's here), going to the therapist (lol, i have an appt the day after he gets here) and stuff like that. On the other hand, I do NOT want him to think that I'm perfectly OK without him. What I'll say is definitely something I'll have to think on.

I am not working yet so we'll be together 24/7 other than my appts and yoga class unless he does goes out with his friends. We have plans to go to a waterpark and out to dinner one night and out to a club another night--hoping we can make more plans but don't want to try and pack TOO much into one week. I had asked him if he made plans while he was here and if he wanted to stay at his parents house for a couple of nights but he said that no, he had not made plans yet and that he wanted to stay with me the whole time, not his parents.

I am not sure what his friends think of all this. They are his friends from growing up, not mine, though I've met many of them (never for long enough to get to know them very well). I think they just want to see him happy and at peace. I do not get the impression that they are pushing him one way or the other in regards to me, but I have no way of knowing that for sure. I am ok with him going out with his friends one or two nights alone. But honestly--yeah, I'd love to go. I think one of our issues is that we don't go out at night like we used to (and both loved to do) and I think it would be a great opportunity to have fun again--but I'm prepared for him not wanting me along.

-backsliding: I tend to be a pouter. I tend to procrastinate. I tend to be messy (not dirty). I tend to repeat myself, trying to make myself understood until I receive an appropriate response (whether it's something I want to hear or not). I think that's my worst habit. I tend to try and elicit admiration and approval--something I'm also worried about backsliding on. I don't want to catalog everything I've been doing to change, but I'm afraid of doing it anyway.

The pressure is off me in some ways, rr. We've agreed not to divorce for a year but it's also impossible for us to live together for the next year (you are or were military, yes? So maybe you can understand that situation). Both things have their good and bad points.

I'm am hopeful..but honestly..I have to say that I *don't* expect us to get back together. I think it will be difficult for him to see my changes where he's so far away..and on the end of that, I need changes in our marriage too. I don't want my old marriage back, I want a new one with the person I love. I don't know...expect worse and hope for best is right about where I am right now.

okay, i've have a little better of an idea of things now. have you considered updating your profile to include ages, length of marriage, kids, dday, etc. ? if you don't feel comfortable w/doing that i understand but could you please post it here so i can get a better idea, then i'll just have to remember from now on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i am sorry to hear about the A in your M, i didn't know that. i feel my H feels just a tiny bit the same way. in other words, i don't think he realized how "truly unhappy" he was until he met the OW and now...................

well if he has to come to down again in october then that's something to work with. just consider these as "legs" in a race i was never a runner and i'm still not but i think you get the idea, that we are in a race but it's a marathon not a sprint and we have go to keep our energy levels up in order to finish this race. no athlete starts a race thinking that they won't be able to finish but that's not to say that part way through they start getting second thoughts and that's when they pull back and conserve in order to finish the race even though they might not come in first, they will still finish the race.

as you've probably heard it's always good to keep the communication lines open and even if for some reason he doesn't stay w/you or whatever that things can still be worked on. yes i was in the military, my dad was in the military, and my H was in the military (that's how we met). there are pros and cons and i used to really try to look at separations as that way. my H got out of the military because he was always going TDY and wanted to go to school. i was only deployed or "gone" once while i was active duty. i used to really try to grasp the concept of distance makes the heart grow fonder and i guess i still believe that to a certain extent but you are definitely not able to spend the quality time together like you should when you are apart and i think all our separations over the years contributed to me being super independent and hence leading to other issues in the M, etc. I think the best way to look at a situation in which you are not able to live in the same house or state is that you won't have to constantly be bombarded w/pain and seeing/hearing the hurtful things that our H's do. and let's face just about everything they are doing is hurtful because it's not w/us. that's kind of the way i look at it. i think it has helped me in a way but not letting me constantly think where he is and what he is doing because of the distance. i also believe that if/when my H's fog clears and he wants to work on our M then it would best for him to come to me and get away from that state and the OW and just leave all that behind. why else would i stay here? i have no family and no friends here, i do have a church family and am starting to get to know people. i have a very good job which i need to keep in order to pay all the bills, etc. okay i'm starting to go off on my issues again. can you tell me more about your situation? just how far are you guys from each other (hours/miles)? how long have you been separated geographically? separated because of the current situation or were they one in the same? what branch of service? are you both active duty or just H or just you? intentions on making the military a career?

you know yourself best and you do need to find your own wording. it's a conundrum, but i think having an appt w/a therapist the day after he gets here could actually be a good segway into talking about some of the changes you've made, etc. but that you are a work in progress. always keep in mind that these are life long changes and that a therapist can help you to follow through (you could also say this to your H about what the therapist will help you do). or if he asks about dinner plans (depending on time of yoga class) you could say that you would like that but you have a class but could do something afterwords, maybe by just saying "class" it will prompt him to ask you what kind and etc.

i guess i would be afraid of over loading in the situation since you do not work outside the home. i would kind of go by his lead especially if he hasn't really given you an idea of his plans. always treat things as a negotiation, don't be too quick to agree to everything he wants to do (unless it's something you really want to do also then just don't be to jubilant about it). you mentioned that you try to kind of convince H of something (speaking generally of course) so that's when this tactic is useful. in saying things like, that's a good idea, or that's an idea, or would you consider? or how do you feel about? sounds like you do have some plans already and i would just say to not expect anything more than that then you won't be disappointed.

as far as the friend issue, well that's probably something that's just better addressed down the road. if you haven't had a a close relationship before then no influence can really be gained there and plus you have no idea how they feel or what they would be up to. i would just stick to you limits though. if 1-2 night out w/the guys then so be it. this is where it gets tricky about what to expect and being firm. because if he is w/you w/the attitude that he still think you are trying to save the M well that puts a different perspective on things. if he is there but not really thinking about what it might mean to you well there would defitely be room from growth. it's really hard to say. again, balancing between letting him know it's okay if he does this or that and showing him how you really feel, etc.

i think you will be able to not pout, procrasitnate, be messay for a week while he is there and the times hes not there are the time you use to practice and reinforce the new behavior. about repeating yourself, well that's something you are just going to have to continually work on and be on guard about while he is there, i also tried to convince my H of things (as well as other people), i always had to be right and my opinion was always valid but what i've realized is that it was just an opinion and we are all entitled to an opinion. i've learned when i feel an emmotion about something it's because of the way i feel about myself. in other words, if i get defensive, it's because of a reason and i've changed dramatically in that area. i'm pretty sure that has to do w/all the stuff that i've read since i've found MB. too much to get into here.

i guess what i'm trying to say is treat keeping yourself "in line" as the one thing it's going to take to rebuild your M. of course we think our M are worth it and if it's in our power to do then we have GOT to do it. there's not option. i kind of look at working out that way, that what if running just a little bit more or doing one more repetition, what if all it took for me to do this one thing to save my marriage, then i would do it wouldn't i? of course i would and so would you. you will be able to tell right away if you have reverted back to the old maddy and you just have to try and do you best to back paddle and then get back to where you need to be and just be even the more vigilant to not do it again.

you will learn a lot during this time and you will be able to use that in helping you prepare for the next visit. i just want you to be prepared. don't expect him to put off a D for a year, you can always hope and work w/that in mind but don't count on it. remember our H's see these situations as single issue options. meaning, they don't see that returning to the M as an option, its either the OW or nothing or dating or nothing. they absolutely judge that our changes aren't permanent and that yeah they might last for a few years but not forever. of course you and i know differently. they have no motivation to return to a M that was filled w/such hurt and unhappiness and that's what they are judging their futures on right now is on the past and they are basing the futures on the way the feel now which is pretty darn good w/the OW and dating. it's a hard sell but it's one that's worth trying. some may say that we are being dormats and that our H's won't respect us. well it could probably be looked at that way. but you know what? i have just as many people telling me how what i'm doing is the strongest thing to do and that it would easy to be walk away but here we are fighting for our M even if sometimes it's not doing anything. we are respected for what we are doing by "fighting" for better M's if given the opportunity.

hang in there, you'll be fine, go over scenarios in your mind and try to practice how you will handle them, even keep a journal if necessary. a lot of times that's what i do when i talk to my h is go over in my head what my journal says. continued prayers to you, RR

rr, changed my signature. I really do value your input!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">can you tell me more about your situation? just how far are you guys from each other (hours/miles)? how long have you been separated geographically? separated because of the current situation or were they one in the same? what branch of service? are you both active duty or just H or just you? intentions on making the military a career?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's in Puerto Rico, I'm in Florida...short plane trip..long scuba dive..lol. We've been geo. separated for 1.5 months..June of '04. Consciously separated because of marriage problems. He originally asked for a divorce. I explained why I felt a separation might be more appropriate for us. He considered and agreed. He's CG. I'm a...umm..housewife I guess (have not finished school yet and work when I'm able to). He will make CG a career. He has a 13-year obligation so it would be silly for him not to. I actually love the military lifestyle in general. But the last two moves were very difficult for me. Move to Puerto Rico..well, couldn't work or go to school. Vacation gets old. Move before that, we were there only a short time. I worked, but it was temp work..fun, but not exactly fulfilling.

teehee, I was thinking that the therapist appt was good cuz if I'm freakin' out, I'll be able to talk to someone other than him..lol. Maybe I'll tell her that..just say, "I'm going to pretend you're my husband." and then proceed to explain to her why I think we should stay married..giggle. No..I won't do that--it's something I want to change about myself, but oooo..the temptation!!

re:friends. I'm not looking to them for any influence at all. I do not know them nearly well enough and that would be just far too manipulative for me. If I were to go out with them..it would purely be just to have a good time.

ya..just a week..I can do it for a week...who's the patron saint of strength and patience?

^bumpin' cuz I could use input from all around, different view points, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

sorry i didn't get back to you sooner but the only computer access i have is at work. again, i have a better idea of the situation now but i must admit i have no clue about the CG, that's the one branch i just don't have any experience with. did he ask to be "stationed" in puerto rico? or were you originally supposed to go w/him?

i think having the therapist appt because you may need some extra help during that time is also a wise decision. have you seen this C before? again, i think it's a nice way to show change.

you can do this. i am surprised you didn't get more replies w/the title of your thread but just keep bumping it like you did, or start a new one when he gets there. remember you can't control him, can't educate him, the only person you can control is yourself. stay the course and keep the mindset of expect the worse, hope for the best, that way you'll always be prepared, continued prayers to you, RR

rr, oh no, you've been a great help and I appreciate it!

Well I was down in PR with him (approx year and 1/2), just moved back to the States. We had actually requested Miami, but his orders got messed up in flight school (surprise surprise) and we ended up getting the very last pick of duty stations--even though he was almost done with the school, people who just started got pick over us. It was Detroit or Puerto Rico and we had to decide over one weekend where we would go. One of the reasons I had originally thought the separation was a good idea was because I could not make the changes that I needed to while down there. I still think that's true, but...I know that being separated makes it harder for us too.

I've only seen the counselor once but felt she asked good questions and I think she'll be able to help me. The last time I saw a therapist was several years ago and while I liked her, she didn't help at all..and I kind of resisted going to one ever since, because it was hard for me to get the courage to go to one in the first place.

I just finished Divorce Busting which I really felt had some good ideas in there. Some here have said that it kind of contradicts MB principals, but I didn't see it that way.

rr, if you check back in here, how are *you* doing? have not seen any new posts by you lately. Have you made your trip to your house yet or is that later this month?

^bumping.

Less than 24 hours now...anyone else have thoughts or advice?

Maddy,

i think it's definitely true when they say that not everyone mesh's well w/their counselor. i think it's important to find one that you do "mesh" well with. that's not to say that they are just going to tell you what you want to hear but that you're at least not sitting there dreading talking to your counselor.

as far as divorce busting, i think it's a good thing to read simply because the more you know the better, knowledge is power. you just read everything you can and then gleam from it what you can and use it at your "comfort" levels.

i don't want to take over your thread but you did ask about "me" and how i was doing, so instead of writing everything here i'll just bump up one of my threads for you.

you could still start another thread and say something like "H will be here in a matter of hours, need some feedback" or something along that lines. continued prayers to you and keep us posted when you can, RR