My final DV hearing is tommorrow and I'm a so depressed. My youngest S (2yrs) is in the hospital with Menengitis. My WW didn't call to tell me (it's her custody day). When I arrived, all she wanted to know was why I didn't help her move this weekend. Her selfishness is pathalogical!

I'm now home, alone missing my family, wanting to reconcile, wishing that OM would disintergrate into a bad memory. How long can this emotional impasse last? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

Don't know that I have any advice but I wanted to let you know there are people here that care. I'm so sorry for you.

When I have times like you are going through right now it always puts me in mind of the old Doors song; I been down so God Damn long that it looks like up to me!!

Best of luck to you, things are bound to get better. Pray to your God for strength and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!

I admire your dedication to standing for your M, dleigh. And I feel for you today. It sucks. If I had a magic wand I'd wave it for you.

Your W might learn some day. I hope you can keep a little hope, and also find a way to see happiness for yourself whatever the outcome.

GC

dleightonc,

As a man who loves his wife and is going through the anguish of four months separation, and the pain of betrayal I can ‘begin’ to understand the hurt you're feeling right now, and we are certainly saying a prayer for you today.

I suppose the factor that would make me most unqualified to really understand your situation is that my wife and I don't have children. It's been hard enough without children (it has been, by far, the most traumatic thing I could ever imagine)... but with children I am fully at a loss to understand the degree of selfishness that some people can show towards others. It's truly unfathomable. On the other hand (and I’m not diminishing your hurt when I say this), what a blessing to you that you have these children, and that you can forge a bond of love together as you navigate through this ordeal… it has the potential to make you incredibly united with your children as they grow up.

It makes me think of something that another poster put down here some time ago, which I wrote down because I felt it had such a ring of truth about it, and I quote from that person:

"As a Christian, I am convinced that when someone commits adultery, it messes with their mind to an extent that there is a certain "mental illness." Not the type diagnosed by a physician, but truly, they are not mentally "healthy" or thinking like a sane person. I'm not saying they are "insane" or "psycho," ... but an affair is such a grievous, heinous thing and it hardens the heart, and deceives the mind to such an extent that what is right seems wrong, and what is wrong seems right, and people deceive their own selves and cannot see straight."

I know from the experience of the past few months that this is true. The selfishness, deceit, lies, subterfuge, and 'otherworldly’ behavior that I have witnessed in the past few months have been so bizarre that I really cannot believe I am dealing with the person I fell in love with eight years ago. The behavior simply doesn’t fit into our understanding of the world that we all want to live in. Trust, truth, kindness, gentleness, decency, faith, and love do not fit into the equation for this behavior… they are the penicillin for the behavior, but the behavior itself is devoid of these qualities. The wayward spouses that we still love are (at least at this time) not the people that we married at all, are they? Perhaps the feeling of loneliness begins when we comprehend that this loved one has become a different person (perhaps if only temporarily), and we worry whether the person that we were in love with is still in there somewhere.

You have tried very hard; we can all see this from what you've told us. Our hearts go out to your right now... I mean, you are NOT alone because we are thinking about you. Sometimes I think this sounds contrite to say to someone who’s suffering that they are not alone, especially over this electronic medium which has such an impersonal coolness about it. But you start to realize that this is what made your love with your wife such a ‘blessed’ thing in the first place, that you were two ‘spirits’ which were joined together in love. That may come back again; and it is what we’re hoping for you. But in the mean time there are other ‘spirits’ out here in the world that are thinking about you; spirits who are with you as you go through this. So, you see, you really are not alone at all.


“I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied, “Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the Hand of God.
That shall be better than light, and safer than a known way.” Louise Haskins.

Insanity. That's the word for it. I am grateful, though, for the help I've received here. It gives me hope for my future, even as I endure this present pain.

I do beleive there is hope beyond the fog. How long will I have to endure it is the question at hand. I ask God for strength and clarity.

Hi dlc,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.I was too last night so I popped an extra AD and that has helped me today.I really hope that your son gets well soon.It is awful when a child is that sick.You must be beside yourself with worry.I hope he's in a good,high tech, city hospital.

Just wanted to lend my support and prayers.Hang in there.

O

Actually, my W the physician, admitted him to the worse hospital in the city. I'm on my way there to visit.

She's still so angry! Trying often to pick a fight. Not like the old her at all. What's happening?

Ugh.

Well follow up on his care from the hospital staff and be the squeaky wheel.As you and I know,when you are a medical professional,you know and want what is best for your kids when they are sick and you know when all is not being done for them.

Also,remember that all anger originates from a source of pain.Whether your WW is fearful about your son,fearful about what she is doing,fearful about the future or that she is just barely surviving with her actions,she is in pain,guaranteed.She may not show it the "usual" way but she IS being affected by what she is doing.If you don't play along in her game,she has less of a chance to demonize you and that makes her look at you more as a person with a heart and feelings.

Let us know how things are going.

O

The DV was final this morning. I feel so crushed.

I'm too sorry for words, DLC. Now make this a time for yourself and your children. I'm sure you'll make sure your boy gets the care he needs.

Are you working on a regular schedule again?

GC

DLC,

Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and your family.

I agree with Octobergirl that your WW's anger is fueled by fear, and that "demonizing" you allows her to justify her A and the D.

I'm so sorry for your pain. God bless you. Take care of yourself and your little boy!

Rose55

Sorry, double post!

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Yes I'm back to work, although I'm off this week b/c of the baby's illness. I'm hurting so bad from so many different angles.

You'll survive the D, though I can imagine the pain feels unbearable right now. And nothing is hopeless.

The far more important question today, it would seem to me as a parent, is "How is your baby boy doing?"

LL

I'm so sorry that your D was final TODAY.That is rough.Do you have some support people with you,like family? This is not a day you should be alone.You need some TLC.Please be sure of that.

Let us know how your son is.We are praying for him.

O

My son is better. When I pick up my older son (haven't seen since Friday-her first weekend w/custody) we'll go visit. My mom is with him now. Thanks for the support. you just don't know how much it means to me.

I'm crying as I write this b/c it's so strange to be supported by those I cannot see and so rejected by the one with whom I've spent most of my life loving. I'm grateful, though to God for allowing a place like this to exist and wonderful folks like you to populate it. THANK YOU

I'm crying as I write this b/c it's so strange to be supported by those I cannot see and so rejected by the one with whom I've spent most of my life loving.

I totally agree with that. This whole ordeal seems somewhat surreal to me most of the time.

I'm so glad to hear your son is better! When I read your post about the meningitis, my heart ached for you. I have dealt with a very rebellious teen and fears of losing custody of her temporarily to the state while dealing with the love of my life walking away, but that would be nothing compared to actually having something happen to her.

Just keep reminding yourself, God allows things to happen for our good. The things aren't always good, but out of them can come good things.

LL

I'm looking, looking hard for the good. My mind sees it (kids, house, friends), but my heart can't feel it now. I'm sure the two will meet up sooner or later...

I'm a little better today. My older son is with me for the morning (this shared custody thing is confusing). and the baby is improving. I believe that our R CAN be restored, but I need to step back and let God. No man can pierce the fog she is in. I must learn right action right prayer and right attitude.

I wish I could think about dating. I'm so lonely, but I'm also so in love with WW and still feel so jacked. I don't even know if and when it would be appropriate to do so.