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<small>[ September 13, 2004, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is that I would like to get past this, but I feel like an idiot. I've been played for a fool. Any information I have gotten from him I had to pull out like teeth and he still won't answer all of my questions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Feeling like an idiot or a fool is a common reaction after you've been betrayed... But it's NOT the truth... so don't buy into that lie.

You may look back and realize some "warning signs" that you missed along the way, but that's hindsight... Trust your gut. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you choose to look at it, your gut feelings are usually correct.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to stay with my H but I have a hard time pretending that everything is fine when I'm so frustrated and hurt from being lied to. I'm sure if I tell him how I feel that he will probably leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't pretend that everything is "fine". I've been down that road... tried to live like that for 10 years, and it just didn't work. 10 years after her last A, my W's guilt finally caught up with her and she confessed to several other A's during our first three years of M. You must be honest with your feelings and tell your H. Try to frame your conversation in "I" terms... "I feel so hurt when I find business cards with other women's names and phone numbers on them..." or "I feel very angry and frustrated when I have to dig for answers with you..."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My problem is that I would like to get past this, but I feel like an idiot. I've been played for a fool. Any information I have gotten from him I had to pull out like teeth and he still won't answer all of my questions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only way to get "past" this is to work through the issues that led up to your H's actions. It will take lots of hard work from both of you, but it CAN be done. Find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and see if your H is willing to go with you. Also, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and see if your H would be willing to read it with you.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

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<small>[ September 13, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

I still have many questions that are, in my mind, unanswered... Early on, my wife's standard answer was "I don't remember..." or "I don't know...".

I would question her over and over again trying to see if she'd "slip up" and I could catch her in a lie. I soon learned that this really wasn't getting us anywhere.

The turning point for me was finally realizing that no matter what answers my W gave me, I would never really know if it was the "truth" or not. I wasn't there...

I could either choose to believe that she was telling me the truth or not. If I believed that she was telling me the truth, then I had to deal with it. If I believed that she wasn't telling me the truth, I had to deal with that as well...

I found that what REALLY mattered was how was my wife acting NOW, in the present... were her actions honorable and trustworthy? Yes. Were any of her actions typical of the things that she was doing back then? No.

I realized that I had a choice to make... I could continue to question her and try to get the "truth", or I could base my decision to trust her on her actions. I chose to slowly give her my trust because she was acting in a trustworthy manner.

Again, I can't stress the importance of finding a good pro-Marriage MC... without one, you and your H will spend lots and lots of time chasing each other around in an endless circle...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

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<small>[ September 13, 2004, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>