My husband was head over heels in love with his first wife. She really broke his heart and ruined his life basically. She cheated on him then eventually left him and left their 1 year old son for him to raise alone. Till this day she has made no attempts to contact her son and he is now 9.

When I met my husband he had been divorced for almost 3 years. I always felt like he would never do anything like that to me since he has been through it and knew what it felt like to be cheated on. He also always told me he would never do this. He never slept with the OW but he has done other things with her that still makes it cheating.

I keep wondering what makes a person do this knowing how it feels? He asks himself that a lot also. He doesn't understand it. Also I think this is one of the reasons he does not want to be with me anymore. He feels like because he did this it means he doesn't love me and shouldn't be with me..

When I met him he did have a wall built around himself. He wouldn't let me get to close to him. Sometimes I think that since he went through it maybe he already feels like I would do it to him so he did it first before I could hurt him. I don't know. Any thoughts on this?

Bump

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

It is pretty unbelievable. I can't imagine ever inflicting this much pain on someone else. Perhaps because WH knows what you are going through, that is why he is so conflicted and hasn't just left yet. He may be trying to be better then his XW but right now doesn't know how to be. I really hope he will continue with the MC, that really seems to be helping.

How did your weekend go?

FYI - I think I am starting to feel the baby move for the first time. It feels like very light pokes from inside. So that is pretty exciting.

My H struggled with this for a long time:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He asks himself that a lot also. He doesn't understand it. Also I think this is one of the reasons he does not want to be with me anymore. He feels like because he did this it means he doesn't love me and shouldn't be with me..
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is kind-of a backwards argument, actually. If you see it from the point of view of recovery, when the WS is defogged.

I believe the reason my FWH even thought he loved OW in the first place is because, in his head, he thought, "I'm a good person. I don't do these kind of things. In order to do all this that is against what I believe in, I must really love this other woman. It must be true love, destiny."

So, his brain convinced him of this thought. It created these "feelings" for OW. These feelings were not based on anything substantial - integrity, trust, honesty, respect. They were simply created so that his mind could deal with his actions.

Of course, at the time, they felt VERY real to H. He was willing to give it all away at that time, for these "feelings."

Once H hit rock bottom: OW dumped him (because he betrayed her trust by telling me, his W, of his A with her - sucks, huh?), his friends didn't know what to say to him because he made no sense, his mother began questioning his decisions, his kids began doing just fine even though they hardly saw him and he missed them terribly . . . H had to give up all "feelings."

Once he stopped rationalizing his behavior, and just accepted it for what it was - poor choices - he was able to actually forgive himself and come home. Amazing. Have hope. If it can happen with my H, it can happen with yours.

Have you read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? That book, and "Torn Assunder" and "After the Affair" I highly recommend, along with Dr. Harley's books. I am currently re-reading "NOT Just Friends," and getting a different perspective than I did when I read it when my H was wayward. Very exciting.

Keep posting, sweetie!

SS

Kloe,
That is soooooooooooooo exciting to hear. I know when I first started feeling my baby it felt like a little flutter. Now it's big kicks and a lot of movement. At midnight every single night she is really active. Hope that is not a sign that she will be up that late when she is born.

I didn't know you live in Maryland and are that close to me. I have a doc appointment tomorrow so I guess they will go over my ultrasound with me.

My weekend was good and bad. On Sat we hung out and stuff with his cousin after they loaded everything for the move. While my husband and me were sitting alone I said something but I can't remember what. All I remember is him saying he still wants to leave. I got so upset.

On Sunday we had to drive his cousins car and follow them in the Uhaul. So that gave us 14 hours together to talk. Not once did we fight or argue. We did talk a lot. He still feels like he wants to leave because he just doesn't want to be married. I still feel like he really doesn't want to leave in some ways. Maybe I just don't want to accept it or maybe I am just reading into things he is saying. We did joke a lot about things. Laughed a lot. Held hands on the way home. I saw some positive signs. I just hope with some of the things we talked about that maybe I said something that made him think.

He said he realized he hurt me like his ex did to him. And I explained to him how much it hurts knowing he still calls her and how much it makes me feel like he doesn't care. He looked at me so serious and said I know I am sorry. I will take care of that. So I don't know if he really means it or that is just another lie. I hope he stays. I really do. Another thing is now he feels like he doesn't want to go back to MC. That makes me so sad. He said well I told you I would try and I did. But he did say he would go if I wanted him to. Do I say yes? Or do I say do what want? He did say he would like to go to her for IC. Which I think is a good idea.

Also I am really excited because today I got hired for a part-time job with the exact hours I wanted. I will work mon-fri but only working 4 hours a day 9-1. I really want to do this. I think I need this to bring in a little extra money plus the change will do me good. Also after the baby is born I will only be away from her and my 3 year old for 4 hours. Which I think I will enjoy the little break. I start in 2 weeks. The only thing I don't like is for the first 4 weeks I will have to go through training which is 9-5.

SS,
A lot of the things you said came out in our conversation yesterday. You always give such good advice and I love hearing from you. How is everything going with you? How are your kids doing?

Saying he doesn't want to be married is just more of the fog talk. My WH tells me he doesn't know if he can ever be married again. I think they are trying to say they don't know if they can be faithful again, like they don't realize being faithful is a choice. FOG, FOG, FOG.

I would keep doing what you are doing, I think it is getting to him. And by all means tell him yes you do want him to keep going to counseling. Remember what they say, don't believe what you hear and only half of what they do. Stay strong and good luck at the new job!