Hi everyone.
I've been lurking for a month now and so much has happened recently that I thought I'd post my story for all to read and advise me.
I'm 32. My wife is 29 (30 this year) and we have a 7 year old son. We've been married for 9 years and dated for a year prior to that.
I really want to stress that our marriage was a good one. In 10 years of companionship we have had no major rows, no walkouts, there has been no violence or namecalling or emotional abuse. My wife and I have grown so close in that time. We had an excellent physical relationship and I have always put her and my son first. We are not rich by any means but we have a mortgage and my wife has wanted for nothing financially. I have never been unemployed and have always brought in money to pay the bills. I look upon my wife as my best friend and confidante.
Now for my story proper....
Just over a month ago I confronted my wife and asked if she was seeing someone else. I don't know why I confronted her at the time but my gut instinct told me to and I couldn't fight the feeling in my stomach. She admitted she had been talking to a man on the internet for 5-6 weeks and had fallen for him. They had met twice for coffee and kissed. Nothing else. I knew she had been chatting to the guy but she has made some good friends on the internet in the past and I trusted that this was just another of her friends. She said she didn't set out to fall for him it just happened. She told me that she still loved me but had fallen out of love with me. I know she still has feelings for me because she spent the next 4 days making herself ill over me and the OM. She stopped eating (as did I), cried constantly (as did I) and generally went to pieces. During all of this I did not accuse her or call her names or threaten her. I was simply devastated. When she admitted that she had met the man for coffee (in a public place) my legs gave way and I collapsed.
My first instinct was to protect our son. I phoned her mum and step-father, whom I have had an excellent relationship with and told them what had happened. They came over to collect our son and my mum-in-law tried to talk to my wife but got nothing out of her. At that time they were on my side. I told my wife she had better contact the OM to let him know that I knew about him. She did. We talked and talked for the rest of the night but it got us nowhere. The next day I said to my wife if it helped to make her mind up I would agree to her meeting the OM face to face. That night was the most difficult night of my life. I went to her mums to be with our son whilst my wife was with the OM. They spent the entire night in his car talking and sleeping. The next morning we tried to carry on as normal but it was just to difficult. My wife went to her mums to clear her head and the next day she came back and told me she was leaving. I told her that I still loved her and I would always love her. She is the mother of my son and my best friend. I made it clear that as long as my feelings remained unchanged there would always be a place at my side for her. She packed up a lot of personal possessions (toys, ornaments jewellery etc...) we hugged and kissed and she left to live at her mums. We agreed to look after our son jointly. It was left up to me to inform all our mutual friends about my wife leaving.
The week following my WAW was a blur. the timeline is like this.....
The same day she left my in-laws were screaming down the phone at me because my son was lashing out at them.
1 day after she left the OM was introduced to my son as her step-fathers 'friend'
2 days after she left she wanted to sell the house.
4 days after she left their relationship was consumated.
5 days after she left she wanted a quickie divorce.
7 days after she left my son was introduced to the OM properly as my wifes boyfriend.
During those early days I forced myself not to ask her to come back. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me as weak and needy. I spoke to her on the phone every night (If she had my son I would phone her and vice-versa) and I so desperately wanted to tell her that I loved her and missed her but I didn't. As the weeks went by we settled into a routine of sorts for the sake of our son. My wife introduced the OM to 2 of our best mutual friends. She would collect my son from school with the OM.
At first I thought the OM was everything I am not. Image wise he is my wifes fantasy man, a heavily tattoed rocker/goth type of guy. He has a 10 year old daughter from a previous long term failed relationship whom he has custody of at the weekends. My wife is willing to be a substitute mother for his daughter which is strange as she doesn't particularly enjoy the company of children (our son excepted.)
I'm pretty sure the OM has lied to my wife. At first he told her he owned a flat and rented a house. Then her told her that the flat was in his dads name and he had put the house on a transfer list to be closer to my wife. Then he told her that he had given up the house as it might affect their chances of getting a home together up here. He is 34 and it turns out he is living with his mum and dad. He also told her he ran a business with his partner. He could earn obscene amounts of money for just working one day. I have since found out that he has no money and is looking for work in my area. He has since started to sleep in my in-laws house in the same bedroom as my wife and son. My wife even allows him to take out my son unchaperoned. She doesn't know him.
My son has been affected badly by all this. He is aggressive, cheeky and rude at times. I see a side of him which I don't think he lets my wife see. He does confide in me though. He has told me he doesn't like the OM or his daughter. He has told my wife this and her reaction was 'I don't want to hear this.' He hates living at my mum-in-laws and wants to be in his own home. He is recovering slowly though.
continued......

continued......
I know my wife isn't putting my son first over the OM. He was born with an hereditory bone disorder which, whilst not serious, does require regular visits to the hospital for blood samples to be taken and talks with a bone specialist. Since my wife left she didn't turn up for the first appointment (the blood sampling) and she cancelled the second appointment due to the OM's car breaking down (seeing the bone specialist) During our marriage we have always tried to attend the hospital visits together for my son's sake. (He does find them traumatic.)
The OM does seem to be trying to buy my sons loyalty. My son handled a live crab at a sea life centre for the first time ever and the OM promised 'When we get a house together I'll buy you your own pet crab' WTF!!!!
Recently I have started to feel a little better and start to concentrate on myself. During the first few weeks my appetite went awol and I lost 2 stone. I have sice taken up weights and excercising and I'm already starting to see the results. I've bought myself an entire new wardrobe and I'm letting my hair grow so I'll be able to choose a style I want. I refuse to meet the OM unless it's on my own terms. I've recently instigated a no contact of sorts. I was finding talking to my wife on the phone every night too difficult so I bought my son his own mobile so if either parent wants to talk or text him at any time they can without hearing the others voice. My wife and I still have to see each other when we hand my son over at the end of his stay and we still communicate by email but we have a child so that can't be avoided.

I miss her and love her like crazy. I miss her company and her smile. When I asked her why this had happened she replied that she felt her life was in a rut. She felt like a cook and a cleaner and everyday was the same and if she was honest she had been unhappy with me for a while. I'm sorry but her version just doesn't tally with my version. Looking back we were close and intimate up until about 2 weeks before I confronted her and even then we had such good times.

Is my wife infatuated with the OM? I believe she is living in a fantasy bubble at the moment, only thinking short term and unrealistically. She sees no wrong with the OM but I see a liar, an egotist, a 34 year old mummy's boy with no prospects or property and a man that has already given up on one long term relationship. (he told my wife that he and his partner just drifted apart.)
It boils down to one thing. I want my wife back. I'm quite prepared to wait this one out and fight for her when it's necessary to but I need help from you guys. Please comment, advise or just support me. Thankyou so much.

struggling -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm happy you found us. You can start in Plan A. Read all about it on the link in my signature line.

I think you are probably right about the OM, but of course, your wife won't see that.

I would be sure to take son to his appointments. People in affairs are often not too dependable.

Keep reading and posting here. It is miserable at first, but things do get better.

oops double post

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Hi believer and thanks for replying to my thread.
I totally hear what you are saying about my wife not being dependable at the moment. The reason she gave for not attending the first appointment was that she was staying at the OM's place which is a couple of hours drive away and that 'it was only a blood test and our son would be ok with it.' She did offer to leave early but it was such a half-hearted gesture that I knew if I had said yes she would have snapped at me. The fact of the matter is that this is our sons health we are dealing with. The disorder is not serious but it will probably involve a few operations to straighten his legs in the future. She should have insisted on being there with me.
The second time when she cancelled the appointment was a little too convenient for me. She had taken our son to her fathers with the OM and his daughter (whom they have told my son is his Sister) and when they were due to come back the OM's car suddenly broke down and they had to wait an extra 3 days for the part to arrive. 3 extra days of forced bonding for my son and the OM's daughter I think. Again this could have been avoided by getting her dad or mum to drive my son up to me or by simply catching a bus.
Whenever I challenge my wife about her decisions or stick up for myself she gets very snappy with me and defensive. I'm scared to push her away even further by doing this.
I hope it will get easier in the future. A month has passed and I feel better able to cope but it is still so hard to motivate myself sometimes.

struggling - It is very hard to be motivated at first, because you are feeling so miserable and your self-esteem is in the toilet.

But things do get better. I promise you that. So get started on Plan A. It sounds like you are doing well with that.

Protect your son and assume responsibility for the doctor appointments. Your wife is temporarily addicted.

Stick with us, we will help you cope.

Thanks again for the kind words believer. I think I'm doing well since my wife left. I haven't put any pressure on her to return and I haven't made any demands of her. When I communicate via email I always tell her to take care of herself. It's harder when I see her face to face. I find it very difficult to look into her eyes and my answers to her questions are usually very short. I guess it's a plan A of sorts. I have told her that she can rely on me and if she ever wants to talk about anything then I will listen.
To be honest I feel like I'm a character in some kind of Evil Monty Python sketch. She walked away from 10 happy years of love and friendship to start a new life with a man she had chatted to for 5 weeks and met twice for coffee!!!!!
Ouch!!!!!!

Your situation is very typical. We even have one man here whose wife has only chatted online and met the OM once. Now she is ready to move 1000 miles away to live with OM (who has a wife), and also take her kids with her.

Your wife is getting some emotional needs met by this guy. Try to figure out what they are, and then you start meeting them.

We always say here that they act like addicts, or have been abducted by aliens. Sounds like your wife is following the script.

Uhmmm all the lies..... my H found how much the OW lied to him. Although he lied to her too, he came clean when I asked him to,but she didn't. He also found out that she is married and living with her husband. HOw? he works for the Justice place and found out from her records. He couldn't tell me... but I knew she was married already. So many lies. It's rare to find someone online that tells the truth specially when they are trying to impress and fool each other. Their relationship is full lies. If we all could have the guts, all BS could wait 9 months to move on and let the WS live with the OP...most would just come back crawling and begging, almost 90% of them! By fighting so much we make it too dramatic... its going to be 7 months...for me and its very hard.

You are a very strong person to keep with all this without exploding. You are in the right track by taking care of yourself and looking after your son. Now if you could keep your son with you, it would probably be the best thing.

Read on Plan A and see what you can do. From what you know about the OM, it's just a matter of time. Continue....

you MUST go in to potective mode and get your son OUT of that situation...

what your wife is doing to him is terrifying for him...

in a ego-centered child's mind...he is learning that people can be replaced...and if someone as strong and big and important as daddy is replacable so easily...then he damn sure could be next...

he will believe that he is not good enough to make is mom happy and she needs others...
STRANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sick sick sick...
and more scary and sick ...is grandmas and grandpas role that this is OK as well..

It is NOT OK
NOT NOT NOT>....

this has nothing to do with your relationship with your wife...everything to do with your sons state of security which outways any thing else right now...

I'm scared to push her away even further by doing this.
srew your fears and save your son

He is recovering slowly though
he is not recovering he is adapting because he has no other choice but to adapt...

your wife is deeply hurting the ONE person on this planet that she should be protecting from self created chaos and pain...

please please please do the right thing and go get your boy......

ARK
and then once you act as the only grown strong admirable MAN...in all of this chaos...we can deal with the other stuff....you and her stuff..

Pleae listen to Ark -

What is more heartbreaking than the pain and distruction of infidelity, is what happens when the children are forgotten amidst the chaos.
Children are our number one priority, and as Ark said everything else comes second. When we decide to have children, we become second, until our children are grown and functioning as independent adults.

We are their world -- their entire universe is their PARENTS and we must protect THEM from infidelity and choas.

So go get that beautiful boy and make him your priority.

God bless you,

Weaver

Thankyou for all the replies.
I am doing all I can at the moment to protect my son. On one level I am trying to keep his life as normal as possible. Whilst he is with me I make sure that he sees all of his 'out of school' friends regularly. Most of his friends are the children of mutual friends of me and my wife but since she has left she has made no attempt to let him see his playmates. I guess she is either to 'into' the OM at the moment or she can't face the guilt and embaressment of her actions yet. She seems more inclined to get my son to accept the OM's daughter. I am also trying to keep my son occupied by taking him out to different places. Yesterday we joined some friends at the seaside for the day and night and my son really enjoyed it. My wife also takes him out but it seems to be based entirely around the OM and her situation at the moment not on my sons needs.
On another level I am slowly explaining the situation to my son in an honest and adult way. I always let my son instigate the conversations when he wants to talk about his mummy and her new boyfriend and when he talks to me it is in a very mature way and without any pressure from me. That is how I learnt that he does not like the OM or his daughter. Even if he asks me a very difficult question I make it a point never to lie to him. I do temper my answers in a way that won't upset him but I won't lie or hide the truth from him. Sometimes I say something that does get back to my wife and her family and I have been accused of trying to turn my son against his mother but that is nothing farther from the truth. My son knows I love his mummy and I haven't knowingly badmouthed her once since this has happened.
I do think that my son would be better off with me for the near future, at least until my wife has settled with the OM if that is what it takes, but I also know if I suggested this to my wife I would have to fight for him and as the law stands it would be like beating my fists against a brick wall.
I'm basically taking baby steps with my son at the moment and letting him know that I will always be his daddy and I will always be there for him.

Harudah: Their relationship does seem to be full of lies and I don't know if this is relevant to my situation but it seems to have been based on lies as well.
On the site that they met they both had to build up a profile of themselves first. After my wife left I read her profile and she has told a lot of little white lies. Stupid little lies like;
'What do you drink first thing in the morning?' My wife insists on a cup of tea but she wrote down strong coffee.
'What is your favourite pizza?' My wife put deep crust veggie pizza from pizza hut. We had visited pizza hut maybe once in 10 years.
'Alcohol of choice?' My wife put down white wine. She hates white wine!
Like I said little white lies. Her profile is almost like a fantasy profile of the person she wants to be, not of who she really is. Interestingly she changed her profile the following day she moved out. She changed her favourite person from 'My lovely hubby and my son' to 'My yummy new boyfriend and my son.' She also changed her favourite possession from 'My wedding ring' to 'My lovely new ring from my boyfriend.'
'My yummy new boyfriend' !!!!!!!!! That's teenage speak!!!!!
Now their relationship is out in the open they haven't updated their profiles in a while. I suppose theirs no need for them to seeing as they spend almost every minute together. I think my wife will find out that the OM has lied to her, if he hasn't come clean already but I honestly don't know if it will make a blind bit of difference.

P.S. According to my son the OM told him that he had a small role as an extra in the Ridley Scott film 'Gladiator.' If that's the case why wasn't it mentioned on his profile????

She seems more inclined to get my son to accept the OM's daughter.

this is not right..
not right at all....

why should your son be forced to be friends and bond with the daughter of his mothers boyfriend while she is still married to the dad...

you need to seek legal counsel today...
pro-child advocates who can see the insanity...of what this is doind to your child.....

He has since started to sleep in my in-laws house in the same bedroom as my wife and son. My wife even allows him to take out my son unchaperoned. She doesn't know him.

this just makes me so sad....
so sad........

That is how I learnt that he does not like the OM or his daughter.

then save him from this chaos....
children are so very powerless in grownup lives and decisions....

but I also know if I suggested this to my wife I would have to fight for him and as the law stands it would be like beating my fists against a brick wall.

lets just say this..
your son is worth the fight..
your son has NO business sleeping a room with a strange man...

you need to seek legal counsel TODAY and see where you really stand...

you should look into filing legal seperation that clearly defines no contact by you or her to other people..

ALL of this is seperate from the rebuilding issue...
all of it..

you should have your son sleeping in his home...
not with some strange man..

the marriage is seperate from the damage this is doing to your child..

you wife is NOT acting in her OWN childs best interest...therefor you must

yeah she will be mad..
yeah she will be mean..
but in the end..where ever this ends..you will have done the right thing in protecting your child from her when she chose not to..

please please please seek legal counsel today...

document everything....

please your child is at risk and in crisis..

ARK

I would keep planning things to do with your son. Keep the house tidy and welcoming for him (and yourself). Also keep working out, and get busy doing other things. Go out with friends, fix up the house, the yard, the car, and do other things that will raise your self-esteem.

Does your wife work? It seems like one of them will have to.

Hi ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You are so right. I have been trying to shield my son from the damage caused by my wifes actions when what I really should have been doing is removing him from the damage altogether. (By that I do not mean taking him away from my wife, I would never do that to my son or his mother) So many friends have been telling me to stop thinking of my wife and to start thinking of myself for a change. I have been thinking of myself but before I can do that properly I must make sure that I am 100% confident that my son is safe. After reading your reply ark I have made an appointment to seek professional, legal help in ensuring this will happen. I did speak with a solicitor at the very start of this mess but I know so much more now than I did then. So what if it upsets my wife or puts pressure on their cosy little romance. My son comes first. Thankyou ark for helping me to realise that I can get so much more help for my son.

Hi believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
My wife doesn't work. She gave that up when our son was born. It was a mutual decision. Neither of us wanted our child to be raised by other people whilst we both worked. She has been at my mum-in-laws for the past 5 weeks and has had plenty of oppurtunity to find work but has done nothing as of yet. I have my son for half of the week so looking after him is not an excuse. I work in an EMI nursing home and my hours are flexible so it is not a problem for me.
The other man told my wife he co-runs a Tattooist shop with his partner. He has told several people that he can earn upto £800 a day. The last I had heard was that he was looking for work in the area where me and my wife are based. I was also told that he could do labouring. There lies the answer I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If, (and this is a big if... I'm trying not to assume anything here but sometimes 2+2 does equal 4) if he does work in a Tattoo Parlour or co-runs it or whatever then why was he looking at basic tattoing equipment and disposable needles on ebay? Surely he must already own his own equipment or have contacts where he could get it at trade prices? By the amount of time he spends with my wife I don't think he is working at the moment or if he is maybe only a day a week. Course, he could be lying hehe...

Another thing that I failed to mention earlier is that my wife desperately wants to sell the house as quickly as possible. We both stand to make a lot of money. A while back we had a face-to-face talk and I asked her what she would do with her share of the money. Her answer.....
'set up a tattoo parlour with the OM.'
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

blessings to you struggling...

get grounded
get information and fight the fight...

it is noble beyond words...

Frankd is going through the EXACT same thing..in the sense that he also removed his daughter from a house of crud....
will call him out to talk to you as well..

ark who has you and son in my prayers....

Dear ark,
Thankyou for your thoughts and your prayers. Thankyou for your offer of calling Frankd to give me some advice. Any and all advice is needed if I am to stay sane and reunite my family at the end of this nightmare.

Thankyou.

I love my WW with all my heart...........But I love my D more ..She is only 10 yrs old and is very aware of what is going on........I have had my D over 80% of the time until July 9.She has not been back and does not want to go back.WW might have called 4 time since............D does not even want to call WW at all and that is sad.......But you do have to stand up for your son.........You have to show him that you are his daddy and you know what is right for him.........
It sucks but your boy comes first then your relationship..........She will come around and will respect you in the end.....so will your son.............I do a lot of praying God bless it is like a roller coaster......

struggling, the way you protect your son is to remove him from danger. You don't allow children to be dragged into sleazy affairs with unscrupulous characters. And you don't allow your children to "sleep" with creeps that your W picked up off the internet. That is how little boys get molested and end up scarred for life.

He should NEVER be exposed to your W's internet affair partners. That is how little children end up molested. You don't need a professional to tell you this; your W sure didn't need a professional to drag him into this mess. You are his FATHER and your RESPONSIBILITY is to protect your boy from your crazy, irresponsible wife and her sleazy internet boyfriend.

Put the onus on her to go stand before a judge and explain that she wants to take her boy home to her new internet boyfriend.

You know what? If you don't take a stand and protect this boy from this unsafe situation, NO ONE ELSE WILL until it becomes TOO LATE.

Not only that, but this child will grow up and not know right from wrong because no one in his life has the balls to stand up for him. Instead, all the people are standing around acting like everything is normal. No wonder the boy is angry!

He instinctively understands that this is very WRONG but the adults are all standing around with their thumbs up their butts not TAKING ACTION. This will cause him to start doubting his instincts and he will think there must be something wrong with him when the cowardly adults in his midst won't validate his feelings.

When it comes to your kids, you TAKE ACTION, Sir! And until your W comes to her senses, it is left to you to take care of this boy and protect him this situation.

And one more thing to consider. By allowing your OWN CHILD to be dragged into this sick, sordid affair, you are allowing her to NORMALIZE the affair and give it undeserved respect. Your W is using your child for this purpose, just as she is using your friends to normalize the abnormal.
By going along with this, you are solidifying the affair to your own detriment.

Protect that boy, Sir. Bring him home and keep him there. Make her come there ALONE, without her internet boyfriend, and visit your boy in your home under your supervision.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Struggling, get that boy away from that situation, please. Then we can help you strategize how to get your W back. Please.