Any thoughts? Does it mean I don't give a cr@& anymore? Does it mean I'm moving on? Does it mean I don't want to be hear anymore bc I realize I've given up on the M?

Mac

Mac,

I thought things were going well for you and your WW.Maybe that's why your still here,looking for answers and support?

I think even if my marriage was recovering,I would still be here,lurking and posting.I would feel the need to give back like so many that have helped me through this trauma.

O

Mac, don't lurk. You've given me help.

I hope things improve for you soon.

I try to keep remembering, you never know what the tide will bring.

Mac, I've been lurking too because I just don't feel I have anything to add any more.

But I can't leave an old friend out in the cold.

Does your w know you feel like this? Have you actually talked separation? When Rob threatened to leave and really meant it, it frightened the hell out of me. It was one of our turning points.

Have you really cleared the air with your w?

Jen

October,
Things go well for awhile and then it seems to be me that has a change of mind or heart. I'm the undecided one. My W seems to be 100% back in the marriage. Ironic, huh?

Tom,
I've followed your situation. Hang in there.

KiwiJ,
Yes I follow radical honesty these days to a fault. My IC told me not to tell W every time I have a flip flop of the mind. I sat W down the other day and told her that I wasn't sure I could commit to being monogamus (sp?). That went over big. I told her that I still have doubts about whether we can or should work on things.

She was out of town for a week. While gone I didn't even miss her. When she was back I was happy to see her, though. I also had these bazzar thoughts that maybe OM followed her to the city. This is ridiculous bc she was w/ one of my kids for a sport tournament. It's amazing what the mind can do to a once very rational logical person.

Guess this shows that despite all of her efforts I'll never really trust her at all.

Mac

Yeah.Even when you are "lucky" enough to get into recovery,the lingering thoughts of betrayal and mistrust I think are extremely hard to ever get over.You will not and cannot ever trust her again the same way so it puts a huge burden on you to live without that trust,the very basic trust that says she wouldn't hurt you or put her needs and feelings before your own.A marriage is not "All for myself" it's all for one and one for all,a team.

That's why in a way,I am not sorry that I am leaving my WH.I don't want to live with someone who hurt me as badly as he did.Even if he made ammends,there's still the uncertainty.He has shown his true colors.

One day at a time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />


O

Wow, you got her GOOD, didn’t you? Now she’s thinking YOU’RE the one who can’t be trusted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Mac, It seems to me that you are having a hard time reconciling WHO you would be if your marriage were to truly succeed. On one hand you DO want marital recovery, but may on some level feel that it will only come at a cost to your own self respect. You seem so afraid of being taken advantage of that your recovery is stalled by your fears of being taken for a fool.

Why not do what’s right for you? If you’re better off in the marriage, why not admit to yourself that although your wife made a terrible mistake, you have your own failures.

My H has repeatedly said that he could not even begin to forgive ME until he had looked at HIMSELF, at his own failures as a husband and father. You seem so fixated on every thing your wife has done wrong, that of course it is impossible in your mind to forgive her.

If you do decide to walk away from your marriage, or even continue to stay in some kind of Twilight Zone relationship; without all important forgiveness, holding a grudge against your FWS is STILL going to dog you.

How much better to work towards forgiveness while you are still married and can enjoy its fruits. If this seems impossible, you are left with the alternative of being one of those sad types of embittered, divorced guys whose mantra is that their lowdown W cheated. Doesn’t sound good, does it?

You have posted that she "(un)fortunatly has been trying."
I thought you were going to try to be more positive. What happened? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your wife is NOT your mother and you are NOT your father! Their situation was not the same as yours. They also did not have the gift of MB and this forum to help them recover their marriage and you as their child paid the price. I'm sure they wouldn't like to see you repeating their mistakes, Mac.

Choose wisely, whatever you do Mac. Your children’s children will be affected by any decision you make. Lurking is a good thing IF you’re learning. I lurked for a very long time before I ever posted and used what I learned in my own marriage, with great result. It would be great if you could do the same. In other words, you have to decide whether or not you can really walk the walk, not just talk, the talk. It's your choice. KB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From cwmac:
What does lurking say about me?
Any thoughts?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mac,
Remember you did ask:

Perhaps your just burnt out and need a break.
There are a lot of situations out there to get caught up in. IT can take its toll.
So many persons, so much pain, so much need.
Whew!!
Perhaps slowing down and taking a break is just what you need right now?

Or maybe you think you've attempted everything that is offerd here and there's just nothing left for you to try?

ON the other hand,

This is the sense I get from your choosing to Go Lurker these days.

Since I've been here... you've posted More toward helping & Giving advice and opinions then on asking for any yourself. (Keep in mind I've only been here since 12/02)
But that's what I've observed.

So here we are in the here and now.
Unfortunately, YOU are having all these doubts and conflicting feelings.

However, this is not the person you've come to be known as here on the board.
YOU are one of the ones OTHERS turn TO for help.

This image of what others believe you to be is incompatible (in your own head) with being here and giving advice on MBing with all of your current "distress".

IMO there may be some type of (this may be too strong a word) but guilt about giving (especially newbies) advice when your so Torn about your own current indecision.
Or maybe its leaning more towards a feeling of unworthiness as you somehow feel that you've somehow "failed" to heed all the Great information you've imparted to others over your near 1000 posts. (Sorry I don't always find the best or most appropriate words to use).

This is of course IMO. Your decision to lurk is directly tied to your feeling like you've somehow failed at MBing by even HAVING any indecision or doubt. (Considering how much you've worked at it and how much you've really tried to apply the principles).

Its like "How can I help others.....when I apparently can't even Help MYSELF"?
What RIGHT do I have to do this, in my current state of mind?
It really can make you feel kind of like a big Phony at times. (yes, I know)

In addition, its sometimes just about emotions.
When we are down on ourselves and our own situation, its tough to be all "positive" and motivated to assist others in their struggles.
It really can get to be just TOO D*mn hard, when we are NOT in a good place ourselves.

In fact, dealing and identifying with their pain and challenges can make any doubts we DO HAVE...multiply.

Just keep in mind that we've still got posters here that did not save their M's and are indeed now divorced.
No matter the outcome, everyone still has something to share. All stories and outcomes are valuable.

Your situation right now (about still having doubts at this late stage) is talking to ME personally and many others out here.
I know Low Orbit is talking about similar feelings on another thread right now.
Your BOTH letting me know my fears are not out of the norm.

But if you both bail, where does that mean I'm heading? (??)

So keep sharing. Your still helping ME!
Believe me your ALLOWED to still be confused about what to do and unsure of where to go sometimes!

In any event, no matter what you ultimately decide to do.....it will be OK.
Why?
Because you really have given this process a fair chance. YOU didn't just say "F" IT and walk away without even trying.
Sadly, not all M's do work out. Even with a good plan and best of intentions.

Here's to you coming to a decision that will make you the happiest in the long run.
Wishing you only success!

So too your question: I guess what this says about you ...is that your Still in Recovery & not yet totally Recovered. (Like most of us).

[IF I'm totally off base...I'll just go back and edit it all away! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ]

later

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

October, Knewbetter & Top Rope,
Thank you all for your time and responses. I think you've all captured a bit of the internal conflict that's going on in my mind.

Don't know exactly what else to say.

Mac

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, can I remind you that with your revised recovery timeline that puts you smack dab in a trigger time. The one year mark is tough, remember.

Maybe it's time to take care of YOU a little more, not so much focus on the marriage stuff. Maybe you could ditch work and see a movie and feel like you did something sort of crazy, something innocently crazy.

It can't be easy for either one of you right now. Have you thought about maybe adjusting meds, a vacation, buying something you've always wanted, a new dog? (kidding) Just some thoughts, KB

IMHO, you are at a point in your recovery where your taker is kicking int and wants to be taken care of. You are plain tired of the being patient and being the nice guy. Plan A has lost it's luster and you are certainly working your frustrations up into a frenzy.

U w/b needing an outlet soon if your don't learn to vent it out or let your W work it out with you soon.

Very common place t/b.

Now my question to you is: What have you and your W done together to help you get closure?

1 question at a time. I gots more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

I think I'm in recovery.. still waiting for the bad surprise.. (no trust) before whatever he said would be taken fast, now I just say "ok" I just do not trust him anymore. I need to find things out on my own. It's ok to lurk C..... we need ya here! I am a lurker here too.. what else can I say? Talk about some of my bad days? but that's just normal.. so I lurk, read other people's story. It's like some type of therapy to me. And if I say something to some of the BS who just found out...it helps. I know when I first got here... I was happy for someone to just say "hi, I'm listening to you, and understand"

So keep on lurking!

MAC: Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the help you've given me over the last couple of months. I know we haven't 'talked' much here recently, but you helped get me through a tough time, helped me dig down and find the truth.

I too have been lurking more lately, rather than posting. I've come to the conclusion (for myself at least), that it's hard to help others on this board. I truly respect those there that have posts in the 1000's. So for myself, at least at this time, I am only posting selfishly. I guess what I mean is that I'm posting only when I see it benefits me. If it happens to help someone else, well that's fine too, but it's more of a side benefit than my intention.

The other thing, my life has been "on hold" now for long enough. So I need to move on and continue with my life. I think TopRope hit the nail on the head with his post, you're "Still in Recovery & not yet totally Recovered. (Like most of us)."

God Bless!
RH