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Some of you already know that my WW and I had a blow out last night, as I divulged to her that I read some emails she wrote the OM that sorta contradicted some things she was saying and more importantly things she wasn't saying. My W was totally shocked I read her emails and said emphatically "I want a DIVORCE". I've had time to cool off and now realize (knowing my W as I think I do) the main reason she says she wants a divorce is because she believes I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER OR GET PASSED HER ACTIONS. My W is having the hardest time coming to grips with the fact she had an A and totally disrespect me, herself and our M. So anyway I was thinking what can I do to curtail what I'm sure will be an evening full of tension? I am 99% sure she will NOT come home and want to talk or clear the air. More than likely she will continue to struggle in her guilt and depression. So I came up with a great idea to break the tension. Welcome to the Family Matters Night Spa!!! I've printed up some flyers a invitation card and have decorated our bedroom with everything I need to give her a spa treatment. There will be absolutely NO talk of M or A's or R's. I will play her favorite music, I have a heated foot massage thingy, massage oils, lit candles, the whole works. She will totally not be expecting this!! She will be expecting us to avoid each other and that way she can continue to beat up on herself. I will not allow her to do that without a fight and I don't mean a physical or verbal fight. I will try to help ease her stress with care and consideration. My only problem is: Will she come home? If she doesn't come home I will not be crushed. I will instead, give myself the gift of the Night Spa! I could use the stress reduction as well. I am concerned her feelings of guilt will make this very emotional for her, as I am a darn good foot masseuse and lord knows the ladies love a foot rub. Cross your fingers people, but I think doing the unexpected may be just what the doctor ordered. I am not upset about last night, the TRUTH must come out or it will forever fester. Wish me luck or hit me with a 2X4 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <small>[ August 02, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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Hey FM That sounds lovely ... I can see how hard you're trying I just e-mailed my H lyrics to a song that reminds me of him so much .... it's not even really a love song ... I was just feelin' it , ya know Enjoy yourselves and build those LB's God bless!! PS: Maybe LINY will take up your lead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
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WOW! That sounds like SO MUCH FUN! You are awesome. I tell you what, if she does decide to come home, she will be in for a great surprise!
Good for you.
SS
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Awesome idea FM...!
Made me remember when I was struggling to get out of the A and the 'fog'.... I was taking a bubble bath and my H knocked on the bathroom door..of course my reaction was 'geeze..what DO you want?' (being the alien-***** I had become).... he opened the door and handed me a drink..told me he loved me, kissed my forehead and left....I remember that as the biggest 'aha' moment of my recovery...
It's great that you don't want to drag out the fights...especially ones that have been fought before...show her you love her and let God handle the rest...Have a GREAT nite..!
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Welp, it's 8pm here (est) and she should have got off say around 5:30-6:00. I've feed our D and S, and we'll just see what happens. I can only assume she assumes I want to continue our conversation from last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> it's a shame that she's torturing herself like this...I still love my foggyheaded W eventhough she feels NO ONE should. It's the waiting game now and I'll play it until midnight. Thanks for the support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I've learned to not take her actions personally as best I can.
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familymatters.. I have the biggest grin on my face... I see your picture on the OFFICIAL mb photo album... big guy...could probably take someone down if you had to.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and going and doing this for your wife.... it is adorable it is sweet as can be... and you my man are gonna be all right...cause you got it going on in the brain... right on....right attitude... enjoy.....I hope she comes in a sees your love in your actions.... cause they are right there in front of her... blessings to you... ARK
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Thanks Ark...its 9:45pm Est and still no word or sight of my W. I hope wherever she is..she is safe. I'm beginning to lose hope that she'll come home tonight. I'll keep the faith that all turns out as it should. What else can you do? Remain positive and secure in knowing you're doing what you can do. Getting the ARK sign of approval is huge, thanks for responding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Family Matters,
That sounds like such a great idea. I don't know if I have it in me right now to do something like that!!!! How did you ever find it in your heart after all the pain to do it???
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich: <strong> Family Matters, That sounds like such a great idea. I don't know if I have it in me right now to do something like that!!!! How did you ever find it in your heart after all the pain to do it??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tree, GOD's grace and forgiveness for my many mistakes gives me strength. I've been praying alot and I asked my GOD to handle this situation for me, because I'm too imperfect to handle it alone. If he sends me an inspiration I try to go with it. I'm also trying to use my head not my emotions. I know she's going thru a tremendously hard time and when I look at it like that it makes me compassionate. These displays of affection are the man I wish to be more often. What drives me is having a good feeling that if we make it thru this, she will never question my love for her again. I picture us together 10 years from now and her saying "I still can't believe how much you took care of me when I did you so wrong.." or something like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I still believe in her even if she doesn't believe in herself. We made 2 beautiful children together and she is my oldest friend. Her A doesn't cancel out all of the great, admirable, sweet, thoughtful things that she has done. My time to mourn will come, but we cannot do it at the same time, someone must stay focused. Both of us can't wig out, who's going to make sure my 6yearold S doesn't destroy the house? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's 15 minutes after 10...hope she gets here soon. Thanks for replying.
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Opps she's home!!!
Here goes nothing people...wish me luck!
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FM I hope you don't read this post until tomorrow .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Keep God's grace in your heart Tell Mrs., she's a very Blessed woman and Luck has nothin' to do with it.
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Good luck, FM,
Whatever happens, please know that you did a good job...positive total Plan A...giving with nothing expected in return. Total Giver...I am sure she will notice whether she partakes or not. Good move and good luck.
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I love it when a good plan comes together!
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Sorry to see your sad face.
Talk when you can. Post when you can. Don't let this hurt you too much. You have a lot more to be grateful for. She should also but couldn't. NO reflection you, ok?
Hugz,
L.
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Okay I keep accidentally hittin the wrong keys on my keyboard and deleting what I typed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She did NOT partake! She chooses misery! She would rather plop on the couch and wallow again tonight instead. It's okay, I gave my M issues over to my GOD and he will handle it from here. This is bigger than me and I'm too imperfect to conquer the demons inside her. I do question if she's really given up contact with OM, but I didn't ask her. I did my best, I printer her out a special invitation, I decorated the door...I had the candles burning the incense lit, her favorite music playing, the massage foot thingy churning, the heated rocks rolling, the body oil heated everything....and she DECLINED. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for her and my children. I know that I can step outside of my own pain and LOVE someone that means the world to me! I know that I can do that. ME! A child who met his father once, who was mistreated as a child and always felt as an outsider. I can put all of my frailties aside and think about another person no matter if they've burned me beyond recognition. My W is not done beating herself up yet. When she is done she will remember I did this for her and she will questions any mans love from her and continually compare my acts of kindness to his superficial attempts to get her in the sack. I can live with that. If she chooses to come out of withdrawal and misery she will. I pray that she will wake up while I still have this love for her in my heart. Female BS's Hear ye, Hear ye! It's not you! IT'S NOT YOU! I know you are doing everyhing you can to lift the fog that clouds your WH's and you wonder what's wrong? It's not you. It's not a YOU thing, It's a WITHDRAWAL thing. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Please don't knock yourselves and question your beauty, actions or love. I do not want people to walk away from my experience and say "Whew glad I didn't do that!" DON'T! This was a GREAT IDEA for some of you it could be a great show of affection and caring that will make an indullible mark on your commitment to your WS's. The dividends from your actions are not always instantaneous, sometimes the love in your actions will not be reciprocated or manifested for quite sometime. I did this out of my love for her as a PERSON, MY FRIEND! , not as a W! One day maybe years from now she will remember this nite and she will recall my intentions and my enduring concern and wanting to comfort her. Thank you all for your support, it was not a waste! The last thing I intended was for her to feel worse inside, but I'm afraid she does, thought it's hard to know because shutting down is her way of expressing herself and that leaves ALOT open to interpertation. I hear her now on the couch coughing and moaning. I want to pick her up and carry her to safety but she isn't ready and real life isn't some kind of romantic comedy..unfortinately. In the mvies the good guy always gets the girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I will hang in there with my fogheaded W as long as my GOD intends for me to...not a minute sooner and not a minute later. Good luck to all! BTW) I did act out a little of my frustrations...when she plopped on the couch I did pick the couch up off the floor and say: "Talk to me!!!" She responded in broken sentences as so many WS's do, but I didn't do anyting really that could be considered an LB. I didn't chastise her or put her down, I just told her I wanted her to know I loved her and that her PAIN is my PAIN. I think it registered, but time will only tell. She doesnt feel deserving of LOVE right now and I need to accept that as best I can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> IF I CAN don't worry I kenw there was a possibility she wouldnt ALLOW me to comfort her and mentally I was somewhat prepared. All is safe and sound in the Family Matters household. I tucked the children in and told em I'm not mad at them and I love them very much. Tomorrow is another day in the struggle. See you there. FM <small>[ August 03, 2004, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>
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FM: the tears rolled as I read your posts from last evening. My prayers are with you!! May God richly bless you AND your wife with a long, happy, healthy marriage. It pains me to see so many husbands trying to win their wives back, while there are still so many wives who wish their husbands were there for them.
And, THANK YOU!!! from the bottom of my heart, for reminding us BSs that it's really not about us! I, for one, really needed to hear that.
PS - This poem has been above my computer for months now, and I rarely even see it, but when I read your posts, it stood out...maybe it'll help you as it did me...God Bless you!!!
I asked for Strength....
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdon....
And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity....
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage....
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love....
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors....
And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted....
I received everything I needed!
Trust in God...Always!
~Author Unknown
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This was a GREAT IDEA for some of you it could be a great show of affection and caring that will make an indullible mark on your commitment to your WS's. The dividends from your actions are not always instantaneous, sometimes the love in your actions will not be reciprocated or manifested for quite sometime. I did this out of my love for her as a PERSON, MY FRIEND! , not as a W! One day maybe years from now she will remember this nite and she will recall my intentions and my enduring concern and wanting to comfort her. familymatters you bring pearls of wisdom with this .... the basis of plan A...reaching beyond all the crap that is so easy to wallow in by both the BS and WS... and not to be misinterrperted as brushing aside the pain of the affair...and sweeping it under a rug...but showing glimpses and actions that are deeper and stronger than the "badness" of infidelity... It is the hope of recovery... even when one feels no hope... She doesnt feel deserving of LOVE right now and I need to accept that as best I can IF I CAN don't worry I kenw there was a possibility she wouldnt ALLOW me to comfort her and mentally I was somewhat prepared. All is safe and sound in the Family Matters household. I tucked the children in and told em I'm not mad at them and I love them very much. Tomorrow is another day in the struggle. See you there. I believe that Ws project their SELF rejection onto the BS...that wallowing in unlovableness (made that word up.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) can be less painful than feeling worthy of love... you are on a roll... never under estimate the POWER of Gods Grace.. all should seek it daily...it is the tangible being of Gods Spirit.... ARK
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YL - I love that poem, thank you!!!
FamilyMatters -
You give the angels reason to smile, you lighten their load with your compassion, your love and your patience.
You are a beatiful man, and your wife will come back to your arms, and fill you up again. Don't feel sorry for you, you ask - how could we feel sorry for a man who is so incredibly blessed he is overflowing with love. You make me feel sorry for myself that I am not the person you are. But you are an inspiration and an ideal of what we can all aspire to.
Weaver
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FM, I have been where you are. My FWH felt so badly about himself, he would not allow any joy or happiness in his world. He felt that he had to be miserable for the rest of his life - no chance of happiness. Very frustrating!
Since my H moved out after D-day, I never had the opportunity to do a spa. But on Valentine's day, 6 weeks after he moved out, I baked him his very favorite cookies and had the boys take them to him, with a card from them. This upset H terribly. He told our MC that he thought I was trying to manipulate him, and he almost threw the cookies out! Instead, he let his kids eat some, and took the rest into work.
Then, on his birthday, 8 weeks after he moved out, the boys wanted to make him a cake. After the cookies fiasco, I took the boys, 11 and 12, to the store and they picked out a box cake mix and frosting, and they made that cake 100% by themselves. I wasn't going to give H any reason to discount their gift to him. AND, I found a great gift for H that he couldn't think I was manuipulating him with - the boys and I bought 3 passes for all day at a family fun center in our town. So, he got to spend a day with his boys, having fun, prepaid. He loved it, and so did they.
Now that H had defogged and returned home (in that order), he realizes how out of whack he was when he thinks of the cookies. He in no way sees them as manipulation now. Now, he realizes that the reason he got so upset, is because he knew it was a genuine show of love and affection from me, and he simply was not ready to accept that.
Please know that what goes on in the WS head is a process. It takes time. Time is on your side now, IMO. Keep doing what you are doing. Let her know you are there for her when she is ready and willing. But it is something she must reconcile in her own brain first. After the OW dumped my H, it took him 3 full months to come out of the deep fog he was in. That was with him still contacting her on the phone and email, and seeing her occassionally the first 2 months at Scouts.
Time, space, understanding, compassion - all things you are doing so well already. That is what will win this good fight. I think you are doing excellent. You can only control you. Do you feel good about YOUR steps last night, that you took unselfishly to show love to your W? That is what matters. How you feel about YOU. That is what she is seeing right now. Lead by example.
SS
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