As our legal marriage ends this week, my W has just moved out. We share the kids 50/50. She wants all other family relationships to remain the same, as do I. She lives with her dad, while she waits on her new medical practice to thrive and the OM to move 1100 miles so they can start their dream together...

I want my wife and family back. I know that I must work on self and am doing so. I also know that nothing can happen while the A is still in effect. Now with the divorce final, I have even less leverage. Finally I know this is a long term long shot. But MB gives me hope. It's time to move from plan A, no? Hence this letter. I feel the need to cut off from her a la plan B. Too much pain and drama now. Please read and dissect. I have a session with SH this week. Here goes:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W:

I love you. Let me say that first. You may wonder how or why I love you in the midst of the pain and confusion of these days. Am I obsessed? Blind? Desperate? No, no, and no. I am merely committed. W, we fall in love with someone and we say “I don’t know why I feel this way”. Our hearts are aflame. We feel a chemistry, a connection that we’ve never felt before. This inexplicable bond is felt down to our very souls. We want that person, that soulmate above all else, but we don’t know why. In the beginning, I felt like that for you. Each “hello” and “I love you” filled my spirit and brightened my days. I desired you and needed you as a fire needs air. It is always this way with love. But then, the feeling changes. It cools, subsides or passes. Always.

What happens then? For me, what happened is that my love for you grew. It became more than a great feeling that you created in me; it became an action that I decided to express for you. That meant enjoying the ups and enduring the downs. My love for you matured. It turned to admiration as you blossomed as a woman. It transformed into joy as we brought our sons to the world. It settled into peace as I made a home with you. Stronger and deeper, it—my life with you—became a passion without compare. By loving you in this often too real world, that fanciful feeling became the truest thing in my life.

I heard you. You want to be happy. I understand you don’t feel you can be happy with me. I acknowledge your long-time unhappiness with our marriage and apologize that my behavior contributed to your discontent. I’m sorry that I broke your trust. I'm sorry for not meeting your needs and thinking that I was. I'm sorry for boxing you into the role you did not want with no hope of escape. It saddens me that your anger and resentment have built such a wall that my every word and deed is met with suspicion. Despite all of this, hope remains. And as long as the possibility for our mutual love and happiness exists, I remain enthusiastic about the future.

Imagine W, a life where you are happy, prosperous, healthy and whole. Love is in your life and you are in love. You live your purpose and do so with delight. You are understood and accepted for who you are. Your children are happy as well, prepared to live a blessed, joy-filled life. Now imagine if that possibility existed for us? What if such world could be while we were an intact family? What if that feeling, lost so long ago, could return and be sustained through the valleys of life because we knew how to do it? Happy, in love, for real? Would you not at least wonder how that could be possible? In my journey these last few months, I’ve come across such a possibility. Alternatives to what we have considered (e.g. marriage for ‘the boy’s sake’, new relationships, divorce). Alternatives that increase the chance for the ideal—our children’s parents happy, together and in love with each other.

I know that I can’t control you or persuade you to change your mind. I know we can never have our ‘old life’ back. That was a dream in which I was incomplete and you were unfulfilled. I’m hoping, then, for a new life—one that's better and still includes you. It didn’t take a day for us to get to this point, so I know it may take some time to get us out. But the destination is worth the journey. A few months ago you wrote: “I know one thing for sure: “You & I have a dynamic energy unmatched. Let us use our power together and create the greatest gift for mankind--the reminder of the God-self.” That’s a dream worth living. Sharing and listening to you as you grow toward your middle years. Exploring this world. Honing our potential and using it to enhance others. Raising these precious and beautiful boys— together. An authentic life, indeed.

I am of course, a realist and the reality of the now is painfully simple: you are not my friend. Friends don’t disparage you to folks he doesn’t even know (Your Friend, OM) or folks you know well (Our Friend 1, Our Friend 2). Friends don’t abandon you. Neither do you respect me. To tell me, “you don’t have the balls to get what you want” is disrespect. To tell me that the man who divided my family doesn’t respect me is disrespect. To talk to me with words dripping with resentment in front of my sons is disrespect. You have, especially, lately, taken my kindness for manipulation. You take my committed love for obsession and mock it. You turned my former depression into a catch all excuse for your choices and behaviors. You blame me for the ending of your friendships when I’ve done nothing but encourage people to love and understand you. It isn’t possible, then, for me to be your friend right now. You have caused me too much pain. This is unacceptable. I will not stand for your callousness anymore. Nor will I acknowledge those who believe lies about me. Nor will I ever validate the weakness, arrogance, duplicity and greed of the one for which you do this. He will forever be dead to me. You would do well to keep him from my children.

In spite of everything, though, I love you and am committed to a loving relationship with you. In order to preserve the love and respect I do have for you, I must protect it from your current behavior. Bottom line: I will not speak to you about anything other than business (schedules, divorce details, taxes, etc.) or the family (children, Doreen, health, etc.). Because I've chosen to have my space from you, I insist that you respect me and my rights to my life. I would always be open to a relationship with you, if you ever learn to respect me, and become willing to work toward our mutual happiness.

I am working hard, W, on forgiving you. What you’ve done to get out of this marriage is overwhelming in its destructiveness. When folks I don’t know or speak to tell me of your negative diatribes against me and anyone who supports me, I hurt. To see you leave and take my sons from me (1/2 time isn’t good enough!) pains me. To know that you would rather live in inconvenience on the promise that a man who two times and demeans you will come (and stay) angers me. No more shall I let these feelings diminish me. . I must forgive you for your painful acts and myself for letting you commit them. Be assured though, it will happen, as I am committed to do so.

Thanks to you, I’ve been forced to live a new life. Thanks to God, a strong plan and hard work, I start it in a good place. This experience has allowed me to grow spiritually, strengthen emotionally, sharpen physically and focus intellectually, I walk away with the respect of my community, new love, more time, and no debt(!). I’m an upbeat, attractive young professional with a multitude of options and a mountain of stuff. The irony of what I have become is profound. I would however, trade it all W, to have you and the boys back with me in a happy, loving home. I want you W. Always have. Since you don’t want me, I’ll take that stuff, love our boys, and give myself to those who can count me as one of their blessings. I’ve made my choice for better or worse, to seek my joy right here, where acres of diamonds lie ready for me to behold and enjoy.

Lady, I know why I’ve loved you all these years. You are intoxicatingly beautiful, radiantly intelligent, and stunningly soulful. I’ve loved you for your bright and caring spirit, for your youthful enthusiasm, for the way you are in this world. I love your passion, your joy and your style. I’ve loved that you’ve been my supporter and the magical mother of our priceless sons. But when it boils down to it, I love you, W, simply because you are the one I’ve chosen to love.

God honors Faith and Faith honors God. I therefore, believe. I believe in Love. I believe in miracles. I'm a patient man of Faith that has always, W, believed in you. My door, my heart, and my arms remain open. Love demands no less.

Always


H

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Dlc,

Im my opinion,I would not send that letter.It is very wordy and soulful but it will fall on deaf ears.She cannot comprehend all the feelings you are trying to send her right now.You are in a Plan D,divorce so you can either avoid her or play nice.If she comes back one day after realizing her huge mistake and you are receptive and available to trying again,then you can fill her with words of compassion and love.Right now your WW is full steam ahead at being done with you.Take care of yourself and your kids.

O

Do you mean play nice, a la paln A? If when i avoid her, won't she ask why? How do I respond then?

read my reply in recovery ..

I also said it's too wordy .. she won't care and she'll miss the part about plan B so you can heal.

start draft 2

I do think a post d plan b letter needs to be sent.

way2

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

DLC, there are some great things (and some harsh things) in that letter, and many parts of it are touching. But you're trying to get too many ideas across. You're desperately trying to show your STBXW that you get it, but it goes on too long. I'm sorry to beat up on you about another letter, but a plan B letter is meant to be short, simple, and clear.

I think probably your situation is too out of hand now for plan B. I suspect something similar could happen to me. SH will give you very good advice here. Follow it.

You can continue to fight for your M to be restored after a D, but I think it's also time to set a date for yourself. Say to yourself, on this day, buddy, you have to get a life. On this day you can walk away knowing you fought harder than almost any man would for your M, and your WW still chose to destroy it.

Have you thought about a time table for letting go?

GC

I'll be 38 next month. I thought that if we haven't moved toward reconciliation by the time I'm 40, I'm done. That time includes me giving her space to see that other side of the fence, me growing, and all the dust to settle. That's a heck of an order, but with God's grace and firm support, I think I can do it...

dleightonc -- HoFS implemented Plan B after the (extremely ugly) divorce and custody battle ended. I've sent him a link to your thread, but he's away at a conference right now so may not get back to you for a few days.

Two more years, that's a damned long time DLC. I commend you for being so dedicated. I won't wait that long myself. One more year, max, and I'm moving on.

GC

I think there comes a time when, for your own sanity, you have to move on.

I think your letter shows someone who is deeply hurt and angry, and the longer you carry a torch for this person the more the hurt and anger will eat at you from the inside out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am of course, a realist and the reality of the now is painfully simple: you are not my friend. Friends don’t disparage you to folks he doesn’t even know (Your Friend, OM) or folks you know well (Our Friend 1, Our Friend 2). Friends don’t abandon you. Neither do you respect me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's right. She's not your friend. A marriage is a loving partnership, not emotional slavery.
Right now, your best friend is YOU.

Let her go.

Set yourself free.

Make yourself strong.

If she comes back, you will be a much better person and be able to see things with a different perspective. I have walked in your shoes and I know the gut-wrenching pain you feel. We all do.

There IS life after D. And it's waiting for you to live it.

Take care,
ITB

Does a Post-Divorce Plan B Letter Make Sense?
Yes, a Plan B letter could make sense but this is not even close to a Plan B letter.
You put in a lot of "what-if's" of things she already has.
You put in a bunch of "you're not my friend" and " you mock me".
This has nothing to do with Plan B.
It WILL simply drive a much bigger wedge between you both and affect your communication and that will affect your daughter

How's this edit?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">W:

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one I have been working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love only a husband can have for a wife. Please read every word I have written, it is from the heart.

I love you. Let me say that first. You may wonder how or why I love you in the midst of the pain and confusion of these days. Am I obsessed? Blind? Desperate? No, no, and no. I am merely committed. W, we fall in love with someone and we say “I don’t know why I feel this way”. Our hearts are aflame. We feel a chemistry, a connection that we’ve never felt before. This inexplicable bond is felt down to our very souls. We want that person, that soulmate above all else, but we don’t know why. In the beginning, I felt like that for you. Each “hello” and “I love you” filled my spirit and brightened my days. I desired you and needed you as a fire needs air. It is always this way with love. But then, the feeling changes. It cools, subsides or passes. Always.

What happens then? For me, what happened is that my love for you grew. It became more than a great feeling that you created in me; it became an action that I decided to express for you. That meant enjoying the ups and enduring the downs. My love for you matured. It turned to admiration as you blossomed as a woman. It transformed into joy as we brought our sons to the world. It settled into peace as I made a home with you. Stronger and deeper, it—my life with you—became a passion without compare. By loving you in this often too real world, that fanciful feeling became the truest thing in my life.

I love you W. You will always be special to me. You are intoxicatingly beautiful, radiantly intelligent, and stunningly soulful. I’ve loved you for your bright and caring spirit, for your youthful enthusiasm, for the way you are in this world. I love your passion, your joy and your style. I’ve loved that you’ve been my partner and the magical mother of our priceless sons. But when it boils down to it, I love you, W, simply because you are the one I’ve chosen to love. I continue to do so as I write this.

I heard you. You want to be happy. I understand you don’t feel you can be happy with me. I acknowledge your long-time unhappiness with our marriage and apologize that my behavior contributed to your discontent. I’m sorry that I broke your trust. I'm sorry for not meeting your needs and thinking that I was. I'm sorry for boxing you into the role you did not want with no hope of escape. It saddens me that your anger and resentment have built such a wall that my every word and deed is met with suspicion. Despite all of this, hope remains. And as long as the possibility for our mutual love and happiness exists, I remain enthusiastic about the future.

I am of course, a realist and the reality of the now is simple: you don’t want to be with me. It isn’t possible, then, for me to be anything to you right now. You have caused me too much pain. In the past I endured, but I now see it only drains my love for you. This is unacceptable. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our relationship, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the family (children, Doreen, health, etc.) or business(schedules, divorce details, taxes, etc). If you need to contact me, please do so through voice/text messages, email, or our moms.

This is not to punish you; it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left. Because I've chosen to have my space from you, I insist that you respect me and my rights to my life. I would always be open to a relationship with you, if you ever learn to respect me, end your current relationship, and become willing to work toward our mutual happiness.

Though what you’ve done to get out of this marriage is staggering in its destructiveness. I must forgive you for your painful acts and myself for letting you commit them. Be assured though, it will happen, as I am committed peace between us. I look back through our life and I choose now to only embrace the good times and learn from the bad. I’ll forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot engage you or see you while you are still in love with another and feel the need to have a separate life without me.

I think you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine. I know that I can’t control you or persuade you to change your mind. I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I have to take care of me now. I can only control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you, if you choose it. I am fixable, you are fixable, this is fixable. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin.

Thanks to you, I’ve been forced to live a new life. Thanks to God, a strong plan and hard work, I start it in a good place. This experience has allowed me to grow spiritually, strengthen emotionally, sharpen physically and focus intellectually, I walk away with the respect of my community, new love, more time, and no debt(!). I’m an upbeat, attractive young professional with a multitude of options. I would however, trade it all W, to have you and the boys back with me in a happy, loving home. I know we can never have our ‘old life’ back. That was a dream in which I was incomplete and you were unfulfilled. I’m hoping, then, for a new life—one that's better and still includes you. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future. God honors Faith and Faith honors God. I therefore, believe. I believe in Love. I believe in miracles. I'm a patient man of Faith that has always, W, believed in you. My door, my heart, and my arms remain open. Love demands no less.


Always


H
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It's just much too much.
Too long, too much info, trying to educate too much, much too philosophical (re: mushy) much too confusing as to what it all means. "No-contact" is pretty well hidden in it.

You wrote, ". It is always this way with love. But then, the feeling changes. It cools, subsides or passes. Always.

What happens then? For me, what happened is that my love for you grew."
If love ALWAYS cool, subside or pass, but yours didn't? To me, this implies she is simply weaker than you.


Just lay out the facts.

1 I love you.
2 I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 I love you.

OK. Still chopping. It's hard to place the feelings from a 20 yr R and 13 yr M into words, much less a few of them. I do understand the importance of brevity. I guess this English major is waxing long on the day his DV is final...

Did you give your WW the first letter you wrote. The love letter in which you stated your intentions before the hearing?

It just that if you did, than why the need to restate everything?

Chris is right, way too much. If I was to receive a letter like that from a man I was trying to get away from, I wouldn't even read it past the first few lines.

If you have already told her all that, as you wrote in your first letter, during your plan A, then this letter should be very short and to the point. That will get her attention so much more than your pouring out your undying love to her again. She will then have to wonder what you are thinking, read between the lines. Like maybe you are not quite so heartbroken anymore, maybe you are doing okay. As a woman, that will get the mind working more than anything else...less is more.

If you didn't give her your first love letter, than it still needs to be more to the point of what the plan B will be, with a little lace, but just a little.

Hang in there Dleigh!

Weaver

I didn't get to give her the first letter. I'll pare this down to the bare essentials. Thanks!

Dleight,

You are one confused man and you are grasping at straws and all of this makes you look weak and pathetic to your exW. I am not saying this to insult you.

You are confused because you think you can solve this or make some headway with words. It will not happen. You have decided to give this two years. I think that is a reasonable thing. Hopeful_person (read her posts) felt 4 years was right, but should would not have made it that long, fortunately her ex came forward before that.

So what changes are you going to make in your behavior? Figure that out and do it. When you see her, treat her well, smile, and lead your life in a manner that would be attractive to her. ACTIONS Deleight, ACTIONS, not words.

There are no words to melt her heart right now, for she is deep in the fog. THERE ARE however words that will help her justify her A and divorcing you and some them come within you letter written and implied.

You are in too much pain to clearly state or articulate what you feel and it will and does come out as anger, frustration, and weakness.

Don't write this letter, settle on your course of ACTION and follow it. The A must end before you have a chance so stop fooling around with this. Be a great Dad, lead a good and enjoyable, and active life. Develop friends, because friends make great spokesmen/women for you when the time comes for her to look around.

But, most of all give this time alot of time. All of your words won't mean a thing right now, I don't care how skilled you are. Step back and see if the fog ever lifts. In a year, if you can still say you love her deeply, if in two years you can say this, it might mean something to her, but it does not mean SQUAT right now.

So don't inflame the situation. Get along with your life. Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

"write it" "don't write it" 'plant a seed' it won't mean squat' I am indeed confused!That's why i am here, to learn from others and their experiences. My WW isn't a big letter person, but she is when the stakes are high. She probally won't respond to anything I say well right now, but won't the effort make a difference later?

Perhaps not, as it just makes me look more desperate...ouch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Had a very busy day today but composed a "sample" letter for you in my head ... whill post it tomarrow.

way2

dleightonc-

I am sorry to read you find yourself in this situation. A friend asked me to share some of my experiences....

I was officially divorced from my w of 20 years in Jan. 04. As far as I know, she was involved in three affairs of one sort or another and involved in some illegal issues as well.

Within a few weeks of my Dv, I could tell the emotional drama between my ex and I was very high. Every contact with her felt bad. I put up 'walls' to protect myself and most importantly, her.

I started a Protection Phase (similar to Harley Plan B) to help reduce the emotional drama between my ex and I and to help protect her from what she probably sees as a lot of anger coming from me. I put my intentions in a letter to her so that she understood clearly what I was doing and why. Whether or not she was/is still involved with another man, I have no idea. I suspect she is still seeing OM1 from over three years ago but I'm not 100% sure.

What I do know is that being in my Protection Phase (PP) has helped me heal some.

I am a little confused at all the things you agreed to with your wife while she was still involved in the affair. I would have not recommended you agree to the Dv without more work and a different strategy. My situation was a little different because of the illegal activity my ww was involved in.

I don't know what kind of changes you made in your life prior to the divorce. You do seem to accept your contributions to the failure of the marriage, but what of these changes? Did they stick? Were they noticed?

Part of the reason you may decided to start PP or Plan B is if you feel that further contact is going to cause you more pain. I don't think that your ex seeing OM is enough reason for you to enter PP. Essentially, she's not having an affair unless he is still married. Your wife is no longer married to you so she's not having an affair on you.

If you need protection from further pain, I would suggest moving to PP or Plan B. A letter would be appropriate but not the one you've written. Take the advice you've been given and rewrite.

Also, there's nothing saying that you need to stay in contact with your ex like you were before when you were married. You can keep it to just basic information regarding the kids. You don't have to have family relationships like you did before if it causes you too much pain.

In times like this, don't rely on your heart and emotions but your head. Take care of yourself and if need be, do what is needed to protect yourself and your wife from the emotional drama.

HoFS

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

I like the protection phase idea. Although her behavior my be due to the R with the OM, it is the behavior that is eroding my love and respect for her. A cooling off period is definitely needed. I'll see if I can come up with a modified letter to that effect...