Ok so I know what all the literature says and I know what makes sense.

But I just want to know can my wife of 11 years and mother of 2 still work with a guy she has had an emotional affair with during the last year +/-?

Thoughts?

Um . . . . . . . . . no, she cannot, IMHO, if you want your M to recover.

RS, not a good idea!

My W and I are going through this right now. If we were in a better position, I'd have her quit! But, we need the insurance she provides us. (esp. because she's PG now)

It kills me that he can see her on the weekends she works. She knows it, but we can't make any hasty moves.

She is trying to get moved to a diferant area at work, one that has virtualy no men at all. She wants no possibility of falling into that trap again.

If your W wants to save the M she will have to move or quit.

Nope.She has to have no contact with OM for the rest of her life.It's like kicking heroin.You go cold turkey and never look back if you want to recover.

O

RS
As a WS let me say NO!!!! I work in same profession as the OM and I have taken myself off all professional orgs that may risk me coming in contact with him and although it has decreased risk I still have thoughts are triggered by just going to work because I know OM is doing the same thing, etc.... I have even thought about changing professions, moving out of state to et past the withdrawl of this. WHAT A MESS I HAVE CREATED. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
So, if at all possible NO THEY SHOULD NOT WORK TOGETHER. The NC is hard enough and so easy to fall back into.... Guilty 22

Two words: HELL NO!!!!!!!!!

I agree w/ everyone else. I don't think they should work 2gether. I was also married 11 years w/ 2 children when my dh had an affair w/ a W that worked for him. She put in a complaint about him and he was fired a few months after he broke it off w/ her. I was so happy that he was out of there and away from her. We no longer live in the same town where we lived for 11 years in our marriage and I am thankful for that.

My FWH works with OMW and it sucks. I hate it when he goes to work. I ask him every day if he has talked with her and he tells me if he has or not. Their affair started with them each visiting the others office which is only 10 feet apart... Our MC says that it isn't feasible to make FWH quit his job because we have bills, child support to pay, and a lifestyle to support. He has also been there for 5 years and worked into a good position. OMW has only been there almost a year at the end of this month and has a degree in accounting, so hopefully she would be the one to look elsewhere. I question that because she hasn't left yet and it's been 6 months since it all started, and her H is unemployed... I just can't imagine how this is going to work. They play pretend nothing ever happened and I sit and wonder every day.

What happens after a successful recovery, say years after the A if the WW meets OM? Is the A back on immediately ?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Error on the side of caution.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

I'm living with the decision I made to allow my H to continue to work with FOW now.

At first I thought I could do it. I know after months of suffering because of it that it is impossible. We are in the process of changing duty stations now.

Save yourself the heartache and the damage this will do to your recovery.

I'd like to hear from some WSs on this subject. Has anyone been able to continue to work with OP and not have those feelings or have the relationship spark back up?

I think the main issue is not that the OP and the WS could start back up,that is a big possibility,but it is more important for the BS to feel secure that there is no contact whatsoever if there is a marriage recovery going on.If the OP and WS work together,it is a constant source of stress and anxiety.At least it would be for me.

O

No, the FWS and OP can't work together. NC means NC.

I tried ending the A with OP several times, but as long as I saw her everyday, it was impossible. I finally left my job, and then after a while, I was able to end the A.

Jobs are important, health insurance is important, but your M is more important.

No, the FWS and OP can't work together. NC means NC.

I tried ending the A with OP several times, but as long as I saw her everyday, it was impossible. I finally left my job, and then after a while, I was able to end the A.

Jobs are important, health insurance is important, but your M is more important.

We're one of the rare successes with continuing contact, but it's a very rough and uncertain road.

There really isn't an up side to co-worker affairs. They last longer, they re-ignite, and even in the in recovery, the BS sees the OP at social work occasions (weddings, funerals, retirements, Christmas parties, etc) and dealing with the triggers and anger of that is not easy.

My marriage has made it to 4+ years of recovery, with H still continuing occasional work contact with the FOW, but she also is now married to his former best friend & housemate (the guy H lived with while we were separated), and sometimes I think the loyalty to the friend was a factor in finally discontinued the A.

It was a terribly long road to get to that point. We were separated 6 times over a period of 21 months.

The affair strongly resumed when the OW received the no contact letter at about mipoint.

Then during one of our later reconciliations she started dating the housemate, another co-worker. The PA ended, but EA contact (which H denied) continued another 4 months, until I discovered it and since we were separated anyway, I served him divorce papers and told H to go have her, I was done and moving on with my life. And did so.

At that point, 2 years after his PA had begun, he decided he wanted our marriage. We reconciled about 3 months later.

And, we're one of the few success stories with continuing contact.

My H was deployed in April, so there finally is no contact between them, but FOW's H is in the same unit, so FOW is one of the leaders of my Family Support Group (spouses & families of deployed soldiers). So, I get to see her quite often. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and if I don't control my thoughts I can easily spend the entire time glaring at her and thinking what a freaking, haughty slut she is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . She generally chooses to sit directly in front of me...and I don't move.

When she aggravated several of the other wives with her arrogant, cold behavior, I appreciated knowing other wives disliked her with far less reason. I'm not happy feeling that way.

My husband has my forgiveness because of his asking for it and remorseful, healing, accountable behavior. She has no remorse.

The only good thing about the deployment is my H isn't around to see her strutting to these meetings with short shorts & spaghetti strap/midrift tops, nor is he here to ease her loneliness.

There is no controlling the fall-out or consequences when the contact continues because of work, or the same neighborhood, or family.

So...the WS should change jobs if at all possible.

It can be done, but boy oh boy, it sure would make recovery near impossible.

With complete and total NC, there is very little chance of ever running into the om, thus very little chance of A reoccurring.

She needs to protect herself.

She needs to protect you.

You both need to protect your M.

You know what they say about messing with fire...

Right on, Lor!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She generally chooses to sit directly in front of me...and I don't move. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that when that time comes for me, at a community or school event, I will have the same EVERYTHING that you apparently have.

What an inspiration.

SS

Thanks Spider.

Before this Family Support group, I had been easing toward feeling pity for her, obviously my H didn't divorce me and they weren't always discrete, so other co-workers knew. And, for her, it couldn't have been pleasant being in the room prior to deployment when many of us renewed our wedding vows.

But now, despite the fact I would like to ignore her existence, I can't.

I could skip the meetings, and I haven't gone to all of them, but her presence isn't going to stop me from doing anything, or going anywhere, that I want to.

No BS should ever be in this kind of situation.

But, that's what continued WS/OP contact can lead to under even recovery circumstances.

I think what Lor's (and mine) situation shows is that recovery is possible, but it is not the normal or ideal senario you want to have.

You have to have a WS that is truly "over" the affair, and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths in being open and honest and accountable for their time.

-HD

Really Sad,

I too consider my M as succussful where WS and OP continue to work together.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Quoted by Painter

My W and I are going through this right now. If we were in a better position, I'd have her quit! But, we need the insurance she provides us.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately this is a very real issue with many M in recovery.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Quoted by Diz

My FWH works with OMW and it sucks. I hate it when he goes to work. I ask him every day if he has talked with her and he tells me if he has or not.

…They play pretend nothing ever happened and I sit and wonder every day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is how it feels. This is why it is so very vital that the FWS is very upfront and open about how their day goes. And that depends on how safe you (the BS) are in letting your S be open. The WS needs to feel safe enough to open up and reveal when they struggle. You have to able to support them during this time. It sucks to hear when my W talks about her work. It’s a double edged sword sometimes for me. If she doesn’t say anything about OM, then I think she’s hiding something. If she talks about him, I just feel anger inside. Nut'z huh?

Only you will know what information you can handle. Me? I tell my W that I need to know everything. That way, I know what I’m dealing with, and I know what to pray for her when I pray.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Quoted by Lor (Lor)

There really isn't an up side to co-worker affairs. They last longer, they re-ignite, and even in the in recovery, the BS sees the OP at social work occasions (weddings, funerals, retirements, Christmas parties, etc) and dealing with the triggers and anger of that is not easy.

It was a terribly long road to get to that point.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m probably different than most BS’s. As soon as I knew about the A, I made it a point to become involved in things she did at work (essentially plan A’ing her co workers). I figured they knew about the A but didn’t know me very well. And anything they knew was negative. So I started to send my W flowers at work. I loved doing that, because the OM sat right next to my W. He would see the flowers and it would be a constant reminder to him that she was married. I’d surprise her at work and take her to lunch. Each time I’d make sure OM saw me and I’d look him in the eyes. He used to reach out his hand to shake mine. I did for a while (while my W was still in her fog). But back in Sept., he tried to do it and I told him that I wasn’t going to do that any more. I wasn’t going to shake the hand of someone that was lower than pond scum.

My W's office moved into a secure building last Feb., and I don’t get into their office any more. That set me back a ways. I no longer have the ability to pop in and look the OM in the eyes. But I make sure I get invited to as many functions that I can where my W is kind of required to go. I let him know that “I was not going to go away”.

Why do I do this? Because, OM has never shown any remorse in the pain he has caused my family. Which kind of surprised me; because his M ended, in part, because of an A his W had. You’d have thought he would have known about the pain. I still consider him a threat to both my M and my W’s job (he is also my W’s supervisor now).

I deal with seeing him better if I prepare myself in advance. Whenever I see him by accident, my blood starts to boil and I want to smack the snot out of him.

The best thing is my W is, for the most part, out of the fog. She still doesn’t quite get it with regards to how I feel. But as she shows me that she is becoming safer to talk to about how I have been feeling the last 3 years.

So, to make a short story long... Yes it is possible, but not really not recommended, not healthy and curtainly not fun!

BTW – without developing a close relationship with God, I doubt I would have ever made it either.

Blessings to you and good luck.

S&C