Well here goes...I am Welderboy's wife and this is my first time on the board, although I have read many of Wboy's posts... I thought that this may help me? Any WW's out there that can help me with how I am feeling? I am having a terrible time with, I guess it is withdrawal???? Doesn't feel like that, it feels absolutely horrid at times...sometimes are worse than others though. How does one get past something like this? I have never thought myself the wayward type and I am not quite sure how it all happened...just know that I was not happy at home and had not been for some time...seems like no matter what I did I could not break Welderboy's rollercoaster pattern he had established in our relationship. I became so discouraged that I allowed this thing to happen...that is how I have come to understand it anyway. Welderboy likes to think that OM manipulated me in some way or he likes to blame himself for the whole thing (or a big part) but I have to tell you I am not up for blaming here it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one I am sure I did my part. I am not blaming OM either it takes two to tango and I knew well what I was doing even though my sense of right and wrong was telling me it was wrong still it happened and I guess I attribute that to some flaw in my character or lack of integrity.

It seems the natural thing to do to post here since you all know the story from Welderboy's posts...I don't have to go back to the beginning...yes I had an affair it lasted for a year and a half...you know at first it was just talking and friendship not seeing eachother we talked for at least 6 months before anything really happened. I am not sure if he was meeting my needs so to speak...he was not the type to sweet talk or be overly affectionate but I suppose he was meeting some need that I had?? Long story short Welderboy and I separated for about 5 months and during this time I spent alot of time with OM...we dated like people do...dinner...movies...hanging out together...walking and just getting to know eachother even better than we already had. So I really was worried about Welderboy and we still talked daily (almost) and I had tremendous guilt about my actions...so many times I thought to reconcile but then to backout on him which was like pouring salt on the wound. Finally I confessed to WBoy and we decided to try again...I moved home and he has been wonderful, understanding and I have even been able to talk to him about things that I did not think I would...in one month I have had 1 contact with the OM but fight it daily as I sit at work and watch his number come up on my caller ID and almost have to physically stop myself from picking up the phone. Is this normal? I know, I know I have not mentioned the no contact letter because one has not been sent...that probably speaks volumes in itself. I have offered to write it but WBoy has not insisted so it has remained undone. Is it normal for me to miss someone so much and to wonder if I can ever regain the deep feelings I once had for WBoy? I often wonder what life would be like with OM and know that there is alot of UNKNOWN there but can't keep from wondering what it would be like...would it be better? My head tells me no but my heart hints at something else. I need advice here from someone who has went through the same thing. I am open to those wiser than me. Thanks for listening.

Not a WW. But I am so glad you are here at MB. You will find alot of support to repair your marriage and discover a new and better relationship/partnership with Welderboy.

Most BS now understand the allure of an affair, and the roles we played in leaving our WS vulnerable. We must now work on making ourselves better persons for each other. You are taking the right steps. There are many FWS here that can support you. I will leave it to them. I know how it is to wait here for someone to reply, so I wanted you to know I am happy you are here for yourself and Welderboy.

I can't answer any of your questions but I want to welcome you here. I'm glad to see you posting and hope you continue.

I think there are many here who will be willing to share their stories and help you with yours.

Dreamcatcher, FeelingGuilty, and Debra could be good resources for you. I hope they post to this thread.

You are addicted to the OM. My FWW was addicted too. It fianlly took absolutely NC with the OM for my FWW to start coming back to the marriage. The OM didn't want it to end nor did she. She knew it was wrong and it could not last but she fell in love. She has been in depression with sleepless nights all over her fantasy love built on lies and deceit.

She knows the affair couldn't last long term because it was a fraud from the beginning. She finally came to her senses and decided to work towards rebuilding the marriage. It eventually boiled down to her making a choice which man she wanted. One man had her two kids and the other man just had her heart built on lies and deciet. Despite the love for the OM, she chose her family and her husband.

Good luck with your decision. The breaking of the addiction is hard but very possible.

Hi WB's Wife!!!

I'm a FWW (former wayward wife) so I can try and help you out. There actually are quite a few of us here.

What you are feeling regarding withdrawals is absolutely normal. Treat it like an addiction because that's what it is.

Some things that might help... Can you have your Computer support people block his phone number so you don't even see him calling? Also, if you communicated by e-mail can you block his e-mail addy?

I know that what I have asked is tough because that puts you totally out of the loop, you won't see him contacting you at all, but this is the best thing. When I initiated NC my hubby blocked OM's e-mail addys at home and I had our Computer people block them at work. I about died the first two weeks afterwards but it does get easier.

Regarding emotional needs. I don't know how to answer you on that one because I am still trying to figure out why I strayed. Did you look at the questionare (sp?) on the site? Check that out and see if that suits you.

While your feelings are strong and you feel like they are swallowing you up, they will get better with time, I can promise you that. BUT...you have to make it better too. You have to fight them. I mean let the feelings happen because they are a part of you, but don't let them dictate your life. It's very easy to get into a pity party with yourself over all this. Lord knows I did that many times. Healing doesn't really begin though until you decide it's time to fight.

Are you in counseling? Are you on Anti-d's? Anti-d's help during the withdrawals a lot. I highly recommend getting on some for a while.

Take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep when you can, get exercise. Lean on your hubby for support, I am sure that he wants to help you in any way he can.

God bless and let me know if you have any questions.

Carol :-)

Welcome, wife of Welderboy. I'm not a wayward spouse either, sorry. They'll be here though.

There's one thing that I disagree with you about.

It takes two to make a marriage vulnerable. It takes one to break it with an affair. There exists a belief that's absolutely unanimous among wayward wives who want to divorce that the marriage was over before the affair began. And their betrayed husbands always seem to disagree. Most of these men are incredibly serious about curing themselves of the bad habits that led to their part in making their marriages vulnerable. At least the ones around here are.

Your feelings are your enemy right now. You know all those crazy people on wild talk shows that cheat on each other and scream and fight over the crazy, destructive, terrible things they've done to each other? Know how they got into the messes they're in? By following their feelings.

The things you're going through - your curiosity about what might have been, your doubts about whether you can ever feel the way you once did about Welderboy - all normal. But you fell in love with him once, and if the two of you care about your marriage and do the right things, you'll fall in love again.

It will take a long time. But one day you will be so glad you hung on and had patience and made the effort, believe me.

My wife is having an affair with a married man who has a two-year-old daughter and a pregnant wife. A week ago she filed for divorce. We had a marriage that most people envied. I told my boss about the situation today, and he was completely flabbergasted. He said we seemed like the happiest couple he'd ever met. That doesn't mean our marriage was perfect. But my wife is now divorcing me and tearing apart a family because she is following her heart. The pain it creates is off the charts. Many betrayed spouses like me can hardly believe we survived.

Never have contact with OM again. Do the letter, you and Welderboy, together. And give it to him to send. Any time you talk to OM, it's like a heroin addict taking a hit after trying to kick. You have to pretty much start all over again.

Let your intellect guide you for a while. Your emotions are making you want to do things that are bad for you and bad for Welderboy.

Thank you for coming here, and good luck to you.

GC

Thanks to all for the welcome...I really appreciate it.

Chackler...in reply to your anti-depressant question. I currently take 60mg Prozac along with Ativan for anxiety attacks that have worsend lately.

I often wonder what shape I would be in if I was taking nothing if this is what it is like and I already take so much. I have been taking the Prozac since last October. Did you take anything to help? How did you cope with work...I have a really stressful job in Human Resources and I can hardly handle it now...I don't know how quitting my job would affect me at this point??

I don't know; sometimes I think that God should have made only one gender of man, or perhaps made humans like certain fish (that change genders in mid-life!) so that our choices might come back to haunt us.

I admit that I'm from the school that says; You made a LIFE-COMMITMENT! THAT MEANS SOMETHING!!!
I find myself hoping that everyone realizes this at some point in their very short life on this earth. All of the; "my feelings, I wish, what if's" and so on just seems so selfish and pointless to me! What are you searching for? Is your request realistic? Have you met WB's EN's. Do you desire a "fair" relationship or do you want WB (and affair-boy) to love you unconditionally w/o returning it?

You are choosing to destroy someone that you once loved! Someone that you've shared your most imtimate thoughts and beliefs with. And for what? Do you feel better? Please forgive my bluntness; but you sound miserable to me. I haven't read any of the posts about Welderboy and realize that he might be the biggest jerk on the earth! But it doesn't matter. There is never a good reason to include another into your marriage.

As the Harley's might agree; It all comes back to COMMITMENT & CHOICE-And it always will for as long as you're alive!

Could it be that somewhere along the way; you learned to quit and/or change when the going got too tough?

Sorry for the vent WBW! I am impressed that you had the %^#$'s to post and applaud you that! I also wish you love and happiness - with your H! Good Luck.

Hey there!

I am currently on Zoloft (life saver!!) and was already taking 100mg for depression. After the A I upped it to 150 mg's. I think the worst is over so I am going to call my doc and see if I can go down on my dosage. Zoloft also helps with anxiety so you might want to switch to an AD that works for both depression and anxiety.

Work was very difficult for me seeings how it all happened at work. We would e-mail each other constantly throughout the day. We use to work together but we ended up at different jobs. The A started a few years later... That's a whole other story and I don't want to take away from your post.

When it got to be real bad and it was like I was either going to throw in the towel and call OM or explode I would leave my desk and walk around, call my husband and tell him I was having a difficult time, or talk to a co-worker about whatever. I have a couple friends at work that I confided to and that helped too. I would talk to them instead of calling OM.

As far as quitting your job? Good question. I am staying with the company but transfering to a different branch. I just feel that I need that new start, to totally remove myself from the place where it happened. I know that a couple of other women here have started new jobs too. It is certainly something to think about.

I would wait though and get over this worse part first, then think about making important decisions. You are in too vulnerable of state to be doing any life changes right now.

Remember, this is an addiction. You might not see it now but in a few weeks, once the withdrawals have subsided some you will begin to see that.

Now a little word from Welderboy...thanks everyone, yep...it's tough but right now...W has just fell asleep on the sofa, and I'm ready to take her to bed...and this is the best of my day...holing eachother as we fall asleep. I'm a better man through this and just want to be here in any way to comfort her...yes, we will recover .
I'm seeing the councelor in the AM...really just want to try and find more ways of helping my "little girl" get back what we once had. Later and Peace.

I am a FWW-
I have been away
from board for a
while- to focus on
my H & marriage.
we have had a great
summer! I went thru
all that you are feeling-
I have replied to your H
every once in while-he
seemed to really want &
understand you & I tried
to give him some insight.
I have always prided myself
on being a moral woman-but
when OM & I started to talk
& become friends-I had no idea
I was falling in love-but
now I realize it was an
addiction-the emotional high
I felt with him. it ia so
hard-the withdrawal-& as we
all say-TIME, that is the secret-
& NC-I want to help you-
so I will try to ck every so
often-but I am off to Savannah
in 2 days for while-
faith is not beleiving that God can,
it is knowing God will.
He will give you strength-
but you need to ask-
prayers-pal

You are a good man Welderboy. Your wife is blessed!

Hi, WB's wife. I posted to WB and hope I helped him.

Your story is mine, heck, it's all the FWW's stories.

Just wanted to say, it's tough but you REALLY do get through it. It's taken me nearly a year but H and I have got there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jen

Thanks, to all you that had posted for me in the past...I can't say how much this board has helped.Today I just pray the Mrs. Welderboy has a better day and ask for everyones prayers.

Hi Mrs. WB...glad to see you've posted..you know, it may not seem like such a big deal, but just the fact that you've reached out here for help is a big sign that you are moving towards healing..every little step you take towards getting past the addiction to the OM is a good one. And make no mistake..it's not 'like' an addiction..it IS an addiction, those of us addicted to the rush of feelings we get from the OM/OW are no different than the alcoholic who is struggling to quit drinking. Kicking the 'habit' is not an easy thing to do, but it can be done..just don't make the mistake that a lot of us make and give up the fight before it's time...i did that more than once and just had to start over from the beginning.

The most important thing you have to do, and I mean TODAY...is send that No Contact letter to the OM. Once I told OM not to call me, changed emails and deleted my chat program from the computer, I felt such a sense of relief, Finally I could open my email or hear the phone ring without worrying that it may be him. It's just another thing that keeps the addiction alive. If your job is like mine..that phone rings A LOT during the day, you dont' need him popping into your head that many times a day....

I know you aren't picking up the phone when he calls, and that's a great step...but everytime you see that number come up on your caller ID is like someone waving a shot of booze under the nose of an alcoholic....you look at that number and know that all it would take is to pick up that phone to get relief...stuff like that sets you back more than you realize, even if you don't speak to him...it is enough to keep him real in your life. So do what you can to remove that temptation, whatever it takes, you have to remove him from your world so you can heal and move on. I can't stress enough how important that is. I was at a point once where I hadn't heard from the OM in over 3 months...was going along my merry way and Wham...my cell phone rings and his name is staring at me (i didn't think he even had the number anymore)...it was like someone punched me in the stomach..I didn't answer it of course, but it took weeks for me to get back to the good i was feeling...along with the stress that he might call again...just that one trigger set me back, and I didn't even speak to him!...sounds pathetic when I write it out..but it's the reality of a WS...what we need to do is get back to the reality of the love we share with our BS..in the end, there's nothing that compares...

I'm glad you are on anti-d's...I took welbutrin (sp?) for a year and it was a lifesaver!...you hang in there and don't despair, many of us have walked the road you are on and have come out on the other side better than ever...there is a light at the end of the tunnel...keep on striving to reach it...one day at a time...good luck to you and your H...

Peace ...

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 06:12 AM: Message edited by: dreamcatcher ]</small>

Hi Mrs. Welder,

I'm not a WS so can't really help there, but I wanted to let you know I have anxiety attacks too, which were threatening my career and my life, but since I've been on Lexapro they have lessened substantially. Lexapro also has given me a sense of wellbeing that I haven't had in a long time...kept me sane during my breakup. You may want to talk to your doctor about Lexapro.

I'ld also like to say that WelderBoy seems like such a great guy, and he picked you to marry so you gotta be a great gal too.

Best wishes to you both!

W’Boy’s W,
Welcome to MB. Can I ask a question that I don’t hear asked to often around here to the returning WS? Why did you go back to W’Boy? I mean what motivated you to return to the marriage? Where there practical concerns, i.e. money, child care, the OM being married and refusing to leave his W? Why?

Or were your concerns more romantically motivated? I.e. you decided the W’Boy was really the one you loved and wanted to be with. Or maybe you had ethical concerns. Did you suddenly decide that what you were doing was immoral or contrary to your religious beliefs? Have you even thought about why?

My point is, that withdrawal from an elicit relationship often times has a lot to do with why you came back at all. I’m always confused by WS’s who miss their cheating partner so much that the withdrawal is so painful. If leaving this guy was so painful, why did you do it?

I guess one answer might be that you don’t miss the OM so much at all. In fact maybe what you miss is the romance and mystery of the forbidden relationship.

The thing is, when a WS decides to come back, I feel that they need to do so because it’s what they truly want to do. Other wise, what’s the point? When my WW decided to give up the OM, I was walking on air but guess what? If she had decided that she was doing me some sort of favor, then I would have been the one to leave; and right away!

So what’s going on? Are you happy to be home with W’Boy? Do you want this marriage? And if not, then way are you there? Because doing anything successfully is in making a conscious decision to do it and then follow through. Hard? I’m sure but it has to be twice as hard if you fight the process rather then face it with a positive attitude.

Oh, and one last thought. Forget that W’Boy hasn’t made a big deal of the No Contact letter. If you are totally honest about what you’re doing, then the responsibility is yours to do what’s right. Or am I missing something? If you really want to make things easier for yourself, send a letter to your former OM telling him it’s over and to not ever call you or contact you again.

Coach

Thanks again...I'd like to run this to the top...for maybe a few others prior to Wboy's W come home from work. Yes, she is really surprising me with our talks and the honesty she has put up. Later.

Coach, that is a great question, and one I'd love to see some responses to from WBoy's W and other FWWs out there. What persuaded you to do something that your feelings made you not want to do at all?

GC