I call lies of ommission, or thinly veiled lies, Truth Technology. My H is a master. Well, was a master. This is something we are working on.
I used to feel like I had to ask a question in a 360 degree way, so as to avoid his Truth Technology. An example: "Have you talked to OW today?" "Did you try calling OW today?" "As far as you know, did she call you today?" "Did you email her today?" "Did OW email you today?" "Have you seen OW today?"
[Breathing hard and gasping for breath now, trying to cover all the bases to make sure MY question is being answered!]
And guess where H learned this "trick?" As a kid, to placate his drunk father, so he didn't get smacked across the room. I'm sure it is scary to let go of this defense that served him so well as a child. He probably feels a bit like:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Radical honesty is like asking your H to run down New York's 5th Ave naked with his hair on fire ... radical honesty is a threat to his very life ... according to his childhood experience. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, H does know what my question means when I say, "Have you had any contact with OW?" Deep down, he knows that means - "Has there been any contact at all, whatsoever, between you and OW since the last time that I am aware contact was made?" He knows! And his challenge has been to just answer the question. And my challenge has been to just ask the question. Just the one question. Trust. Integrity. It is a process.
Old habits are strong. This weekend, when I got back from my night of gambling in Nevada with a girlfriend, I asked him a question about something he did this weekend. I was surprised when he said no to my question. Then, a couple minutes later, he said, "Well, you interrupted me. I didn't get to finish my answer to your question." I apologized, and said I wanted to hear the rest of his answer. He kind-of changed his previous answer of no, to that he tried, but it didn't work out. Hmmmmmm.
He was using his Truth Technology. And he realized it. And he was radically honest with me. I appreciate how hard this process must be for him, as it is for me.
When I was suspicious of the PA (I already knew of the EA from intercepted emails between him and supposed "best friend"), I asked him every possible question, from every possible angle, because he had never actually lied directly to a specific question. He just evaded and tried to play words. So, I worded the questions very specifically, and he lied to my face. That night, in our garage, is still with me. It is something I need to let go as part of our past. I cannot let it have power over our future.
So, I guess I meant to just say, "I know what you mean about the lying thing."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
