I have been advised by my therapist to find a website to talk to others who are hurting and going through seperation. I will tell you my story in the condensed version and ask for feedback.
Early in February I transfered from one part of the province to the lower mainland. It is about 3 hours travel time apart. I transfered to start a new job and to received a promotion. My H came with me and found a job. We stayed with our daughter and son-in-law and two little grandsons.
My H got a job and then told me he had to return to the interior to finish out his job, I tried to talk him out of it, but he went any way. He went directly to the OW's house and commited A. He stayed there with her for 6 days and then returned to our daughters house where I was waiting for him. He did not tell me anything and I could see that he was not himself and he talked about losing himself, didn't know who he was, we were never going to be able to afford house here etc. etc. Everything was woe is me. My H is 53 and I am 47 and we will be married 24 years on Dec 1st. Then he was almost impossible to live with, he was moody, and our entire family felt out of sorts.
Then on April 19th out of the blue he goes to the interior and moves in with the OW and phones me at 10 to 5 when I am getting off work and tells me he has left me, will always have a special place in his heart for me, but its over. I am in such shock I could barely get myself home. He refused to give me the telephone number where he was and coldly told me I know this is the selfish way and the cowards way but I am doing it. I did not sleep, paced the floor and cried all night. My daughter and family were away, but she was able to come home with 6 hours of my bad news and she held me and cried with me. Two days later he comes down and we meet. He keeps staring at me, and I am so calm, but he has tears running down his face the whole time. We talk for 8 hours and then he leaves. He struggled to leave but did.
The next day he gets up, tells OW he can't do it this way, he has to leave and she goes and looks for work, because she is now fired from her job for getting involved with him. (He was her immediate superviosr in a ministry thriftstore). Neither of them have work. He calls to see if he can see a counselor under my EAP program and I say yes, and then he gets a friend with a truck to move him down. He stays with friends for a week and then gets his own appartment. He is very fortunate he still has a job to return to.
I help him set up his apartment and he says he wants to try and live on his own until Christmas. I say okay, and he still doesn't cut it off with her. He conintues to call her and she him, and I go crazy for nearly two months. Then all the anger starts from him to me. Then she comes down and spends a weekend with him, and I find out when he tells me he wants to work on reconcilliation. I give him a week and he still hasn't ended it with her, so I say call me when you do.
The next day she calls and he gives her the bad news, this is the way H puts it when he tells me. Then he calls me the next night and tells me I Made HIM DO it, He regrets it, He is so angry, I manipulated him, I slept with him and messed up his mind, I wouldn't know how he feels, he needs his mother and she is not home to take his call, and on and on. I listen, don't react, and he ends the call with I better go before I say something I will regret. I leave him alone. Then he calls 10 days later and says this may sound cold but I don't want to work on reconciallation, I have stoped counselling and I am going on with my life. I listen, we talk some more and he keeps going on about how I messed him up sleeping with him. I remind him that I told him, that this was not going to happen again and he retaliates and says NEVER again. And then says this may sound cold but It is a relief to tell you how I don't have feelings for you anymore. This is after he asked me for reconcilliation two weeks before, that he wouldn't walk away from 25 years, and he was working on being totally devoted to me. I ask him where do we go now, are you asking for a divorce and he reacts like, no, I didn't call to say that. I say okay, you need time, you are not ready. He says yes. I then say okay, I love you, if you change your mind you know where I am, and I will pray for you. I hang up the phone.
Since then I have lost my job due to the stress and he has agreed to put me on his medical. (He phoned me). He also told me he didn't want to be friends, as it wouldn't work. The he tells our daughter he is going to try to be friends.
I don't know if I am coming or going. We are Christians and I feel like I have man in my life who is not my H but some one who I don't know. I am going to counselling and I keep believing I should just let him go until he starts thinking with some sense again. He tells me it is not about me, its about him, and (that he almost destoryed his best friend and marriage, said this when he asks to reconcilliate), and then he flips into this I don't want to work on it in the next phone call.
What do you folks think? I believe I am on Plan B now, but I don't know what to think, or feel. I cry alot and I am now trying to figure out what to do with my life. Please help.
Suz Care
