After a 1-year A, we are back to NC again (I think). WH says he is trying, but I don't see much action behind his words.

He had gone to MC with me for a month earlier this year, but when contact started again, he quit going. I have been in IC since d-day almost 1 year ago. This week was my last session, however.

I have come to the realization that this is not MY problem, but rather, my husband's problem. He is the one that has to make the effort now. He is the one that has to decide what he REALLY wants to do.

But what efforts has he made? He is kinder to me and calls more often from work.

What has he not done? We talked yesterday and I told him I want him to go to back to IC, then to MC. He said he is not ready for that ... that he won't let anyone tell him what to do ... that he will make the decision to do IC when he is ready for it.

I want him to go to church with me and our children. He said he grew up not going to church and he won't go now, despite the fact that he told me a few months ago that he would start going with us. Side note: he told OW that he would go with her ... go figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

He told me he would give me his cell records, but has yet to produce them for me. My hunch is that there was so much contact before the ?final? NC that he is waiting for next bill to arrive, which won't be for another few weeks or so. I think he should give me the current one to show me that indeed contact has ended.

I want a different sex life than what we had ... won't go into details, but suffice it to say that it hasn't changed much.

He says I expect him to do all the changing. Yes, I do expect him to change, but he's not the only one that needs to change. There are things that I'm working on, also. Primarily, being honest with him about my feelings. I used to keep them bottled up and not share how I felt. Usually, things would just glass over and I would feel fine in a while ... but in reality, I know this hindered the feelings that I had for him. I resented him for many things he did or didn't do, how he treated me. I'm now trying to make sure to discuss things with him when I'm feeling them.

So we've got the counseling issue, church, the cell records and sex. Am I asking too much? Am I making selfish demands? Are these LBs? We both feel as though we may not make it at this point. I haven't felt like this until this last NC was established. I've always felt very hopeful and had faith in God that he would restore our marriage and make it more fulfilling for both of us. Now I'm feeling discouraged.

Your thoughts?

bump ...

No one has responded. Was expecting someone to say something, anything about my post ... but nothing yet. Anyone out there?

No you are not asking for too much. Watch what he does, not what he says. Words mean nothing, just blah, blah, blah.

I have been going through this for 16 months - so trust me, watch what he does. If he refuses to DO anything, you will know where you stand.

believer, that's my feeling. I know you have plenty of experience with actions vs. words.

I feel that my WH is giving me a sales job ... wanting to stay at home and "decide" what he wants to do, but not really put his heart and soul into making a better M.

When things get bad around here, when I discover new contact or have had enough of the A and tell him it's time to move out, he gives me the "talking head". I've seen such a pattern in this that I don't believe what he says anymore.

I know that I need to watch his actions ... and they aren't saying much of anything right now. Just being complacent, that's what he's doing. Trying to make me "feel better" because he's still at home. Well, I don't give a darn that he's still here if he's not trying to work on us! Don't know how much longer I can stand his nonchalant attitude regarding this VERY important thing in our lives.

Not sure how much advice I can give you I just wanted to let you know that your not alone. My husband says the exact things to me. He also was very much into going to MC when he was in NC. But as soon as contact was made again now he doesn't want to go. Says he never got anything out of going.

He wants to leave the marriage. Feels that he has tried but I see nothing. He says many things but the actions never happen. Just like he says he wants to leave I don't believe he will follow through with that either but he may. But it still hurts to hear the words from him.

Good Luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hmmm. Well I have reached the point where I don't believe anything WH says. And that is a bad place to be. Now there is no discussion without LB's (although I'm in Plan B, he does come by every once in awhile).

Now I don't care if I LB. I don't want to talk to him, see him, think about him.

So you might want to consider Plan B - a good one. Otherwise you could end up like us.

So we've got the counseling issue, church, the cell records and sex. Am I asking too much?

no ... you are asking for your H to be a participant in the marriage.

Am I making selfish demands?

Maybe insisting your H goes to church. This seems a very personal choice. A choice that cannot come from your will, but from his own.

Are these LBs?

I don't think so. It's OK to ask for anything.


Your thoughts?

I think it is premature to give up.

I strongly urge you to counsel with one of the Harleys.

Pep

IMHO, he is coming out of the fog. I think he has been in contact with OW, but that the lights are slowly coming on.

He is beginning to understand that OW isn't the solution. However, he can't end it and move on with his life. He is trying to keep one foot on the shore and one on the boat and hoping the boat doesn't move. He has to decide what to do--and he knows what he has to do, but he just can't pull the trigger.

You are correct--the problem with the A is HIS problem, not yours. He is avoiding taking ownership of the A.

(1) IMHO, Better sex is *never* a LB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .
(2) Counseling is for his benefit as much as yours, and he *really* needs it. He has issues to work on.
(3) Cell records--the natural consequences of his action is that BS can be snoopy. This is entirely justified.
(4) I'm not sure that going to church is going to either help or hurt the situation. But, it is certainly an issue that should be discussed.

Obviously, how you approach the issues is more important than the issues themselves. I assume you talk to him in a reasonable manner.

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 03:47 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

JimmyMac, I try to talk to him more reasonably than I did for the first many months after D-Day. Thanks for your insightful words. As a FWS yourself, it's always good to hear your perspective. So how long do you think it will take for those dim lights to become brilliant 1000 watt halogen bulbs??

believer, have been ready for Plan B twice already and wasn't able to follow through. Plan B is to help end the A, and that was what happened each time I was ready for it and presented the letter. Now that the A has ended (hopefully), I have to hold on and move forward as a unit with my H.

pep, your wisdom is always appreciated. I suppose I could counsel with the Harleys, but feel that I know already what they will tell me: continue with Plan A. It's so difficult to do now after a year of this sh**. I have read much here, and many, many books on A and the aftermath. Will continue to seek wisdom here and in my mammoth library of A books.