I am really struggling with Plan A. My H came home yesterday and I decided to go check his cell phone....sure enough there was a message from OW asking him to call her. She sounded upset. I asked him if he had talked to her this week and he said NO. I asked him again and I said are you sure you didn't talk to her? He finally admitted that he had and that he met her for lunch on Friday. I had asked him to go to lunch with me the other day and he said he couldn't but yet he went with her. He said she wanted to meet at her house and he told her no. He said he doesn't love her but does care about her and wants to end it properly and stop hurting people. It just seems as if he cares more about her pain than mine and our son's. He did stay the night here last night and slept in our bed with me. I asked him why and he said that he wanted to make sure I was ok and didn't want me to be alone. It really doesn't matter to me becasue I've gotten used to being alone and seeing him only brings me anger and pain right now.
He told me that if I truly love him that I will be patient and wait for him to deal with this issue the best he can. I just don't feel right now that I can give him anything. I can feel me shutting down when it comes to him. How do I stop this and continue to be supportive??? I'm really having a hard time with Plan A. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and this is so difficult for me. Any advice??????????

tree...

You always have choices and options...but the more you stop and think about which choices serve you and your marriage best....
then you will find it easier to become master of what you can control....

You can't change him
You can't control him
and you can't force...

he had his contact because he CHOSE that contact...

you have the power (huge great power)to choose how YOU control yourself around him...
and the trick is that the more you master it...the more you take each encounter and do all in your power to make it productive, attractive, and you in control of your self and emotions then the easier it will become down the line....

If all you can show him when you see him is anger and pain...then you are probably better off taking a break not seeing him and showing yourself like that to him....and plan a via phone and e-mail, and notes...

I can drag up my plan a guidelines if you haven't read it yet...lots of people posted lots of good stuff about plan a..
but will only do so if you haven't read it...

let me know...

but tree...you must get in control of your emotions...because NOTHING is getting resolved if you and he get lost in the emotional turmoil..

he can see your pain in small tolerable doses.......but if that's all you can show him...he will think and feel it is hopeless...

He said she wanted to meet at her house and he told her no.

did you
could you thank him for that...and tell him how much it means to you??
heap positive rewards when applicable...

ark

TR,
Hang on tightly sweetie, you're doing SO good. These are all positive steps. I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but they reallly are.

He's starting to become more honest, about contact, his intentions about her. Remember, he made her promises he has no intention of keeping.

I don't think he spent the night to make sure you were okay, he would have never left if that were the case.

He's testing out some waters right now, remember, I told you he would do that. BE STRONG.... be supportive...I KNOW it's difficult, but I think the FOG is beginning to lift. You can't rush it, but I see it lifting. This is a GOOD sign, your Plan A is working well.

Keep busy, take care of you and your son, and let H work out HIS issues.

I know it seems like an endless amount of pain, but it didn't break overnight...it's going to take a lot of hard work on both parts. He's coming around...you don't see it...but I do.

Thinking of you.

Thank you Ark and Betrayed!!!
I always feel so much better after reading all the responses. Ark, you are right...I should thank him for not going to her house and for trying to resolve this properly. I just lose sight of that in anger. I'm trying so hard to be kind to him when he's around. It really takes a lot of effort. I can do it though!!!!! I will keep trying!
I do feel stronger each day. I've been jogging and keeping busy with my son. It's nice to know there are people out there who care and are supportive. It really means a lot ot me.
Thank you both for your encouraging words.

Tree,

I am a FWS, so I hope you don’t mind hearing from me. I’ve read through a few of your threads and just had a couple of ideas.

I’m suspicious that the reason your WS moved out is so that he could be freer to contact OW when and if he wants to (you did mention that he had lunch with OW on Friday). That gives him more of a possibility to “cake eat” – have two women filling all of his needs all the time.

There could have been a large lack of communication between you and your H for a long time now that has added to all of the confusion. Have you asked your H what needs OW fills for him that he thought you were not filling?

I know the answer to that would be very painful to hear, and I don’t know when a good time would be for you to ask him, especially since you’re feeling terrible already. And, since he’s so foggy, his response might not be reasonable (WS have been known to exaggerate their S’s faults in order to justify the affair!).

You may be feeling too raw to ask him right now, but sometime if you could brace yourself, hear his answer, take it with a grain of salt, but at the same time give yourself time (at least 24 hours or a few days?) to really consider what he says and see if there is any truth in it. Then you would know what needs of his to concentrate on in plan A.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Other posters have warned you that this is just the beginning of a very long road. One day at a time is the only way any of us can get through life. One second at a time, if need be.

Please take care of yourself. Seeing a doctor and an IC is good advice that you’ve gotten here already. You know you don’t have to take the advice of everyone, of course. Get your mind clear, take deep breaths, pray, and find out what’s best for you.

Take care. God bless.

Rose55

Rose,
I don't mind you giving me advice at all. I welcome it! My H says that he wanted to get away from here to create a void for me in his life. He is staying with his brother and is here almost all the time exept for working hours. He does tell me when he talks to her. He says he wants to be totally honest with me becasue he can't handle the lying anymore.
I've actually asked him what needs she was filling that I wasn't. His answer hurt me very badly but I'm now trying to change that part of me so that I can fill that need for him.
He says he wants to fall in love with me again. How on earth do we go about that????
What do you think about the things he is saying to me? Is he trying or is he lying??

Tree,

It sounds like your H is really trying. He's just still very foggy. Keep the lines of communication open. You're doing great.

My H and I have been working on falling back in love for 2 years now! There are good times and bad, but it takes daily commitment.

It seems to me that the best way to fall back in love is for both partners to treat the other the way he/she wants to be treated (yes, the Golden Rule - simple, but effective!).

You've probably also heard the "fake it till you make it" theory. It might sound awful, but some days when being thoughtful seems impossible, making an extra effort to be considerate helps to change your feelings. Little kindnesses add up.

Then again, some days, we both need time alone for a "time out" in order to take care of ourselves and get refueled for the next part of the trip!

In the first few weeks after d-day, I found myself face-down on the floor, realizing that my only hope was to surrender everything to God (body, mind, soul), and believe that no matter what happened, He would be with me and see me through.

Hang in there.

Rose55