Hello to everyone, I am new here. I have been reading for quite sometime, and must say reading everyone's experience, heart aches, and triumphs has made it more bearable for me to handle my husband's affair. My story is long......, I will share soon, right now the pain is piercing my soul and I just cannot relive all the issues we are facing, telling my story now would just send me over the edge.....trying to hold on is so difficult, I am taking deep breaths to stem the flow of tears, but oh it hurts so much. Just wanted to say hello.

Welcome. I am sorry you are in such pain. I, too, read for a long time before I posted, and have not written much, just watched and listened. I find when my pain is unbearable, I can come to this site and just reading is very helpful. Advice that is given to others also applies to me. As soon as you can, tell us about yourself and what's going on. Someone here will have a reply that will help you. Buy the books and read them. Pray. Read and watch. But it really helps to talk to others, because pain that is kept in becomes rage. (I know.) So it is better to share and visit. Also to laugh as often as possible. There are many people here who make me laugh out loud and that is the biggest pain relief there is.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Welcome. I will let the others give advice.

Welcome to MB Hurtinone. I'm so sorry that you've found this place under these circumstances.

I remember all too well exactly how you're feeling right now. I did the same thing. Everyone said expose, expose, expose, but I couldn't even speak. Not even to my best friend of 25 years. Not that I didn't want to tell her what was happening, not that I didn't want the support, I literally could not stop sobbing long enough to spill my guts. It was horrible.

But here I am....almost 6 months post Dday, and I'll be 4 months into recovery in 2 days!

I wish there was away I can reach through the computer and help you in someway. The pain right now is fierce.

Until you can tell us what your story is, tell us about what YOU'RE doing to cope with this event. Have you seen a doctor ? Are you taking anti-d ? Many people here have struggled, but we'll get your through.

Hang in there, you've taken the first step to heal...

Welcome. We are all here to help you. I'm struggling right now too and have a long road ahead of me since finding out about my H affair only 2 weeks ago. Try to focus on you right now. I know it's hard. Keep posting and you will get great advice and support.
God Bless!

Hello HurtinOne.

Welcome to MB.

We will be here when you are ready to tell your story.Prayers to you.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ears are open, hurtinone. You are going to be okay, eventually, no matter what happens. I'm so sorry for your hard time. Lots of us here are hurting ones, but you're probably the champ today. Use every resource you can find - MB, friends, family, therapy, pharmaceuticals, books - it will get you through your pain and help you grow.

Let me stress the benefit of anti-depressants. I went on them the day after my wife told me she wanted a divorce, and the week I spent waiting for them to work was the most grueling of my life.

Graycloud

Hi HurtinOne -


{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}


Listen to GC about the AD's, even Dr. Harley recommends them to help deal with infidelity.

Weaver

Starz, TreeReich,Octobergirl,Graycloud..

(BetrayedinJersey,I followed your story and thought to myself how strong you are there were day I looked for your posting to see how you were coping with your issue, I cannot tell you how much they helped. I remember when your husband went on a trip, and I kept saying to myself Hang in there Betrayed, hang in. I am so grateful that you respond to my post)

Thank you all for your warm welcome and open arms.....I cannot express right now how much your words and comfort and care means to me,DARN UT I cannot stop the tears.

This issue has been an on going saga for 3 years, (we are approaching our 3rd wedding anniversary) the OW is an ex-girlfriend, who has told me that she will always want and love my husband and should he need her she will not turn her back on him. Imagine being on your honeymoon and finding out during this time, (on the 3rd day of the honeymoon that husband called OW). And I come back home to find an e-mail from her, telling me all kind of things.....and the ferris wheel has not stopped.

My husband continues to confess his undying love for me, has begged me to stay with him and help him fight his demons, problem is he keeps the affair going with her, we are currently in semi-counseling...I say semi because my husband does not stay with it on a regular basis. There is so much to tell, and I just cannot type anymore right now, I want this pain to stop, to just go away, but it won't and the despair that I feel sometimes just over whelms me, and all I can say is "Pease God have mercy". Funny how I am a Christian who believes that all seasons in our life is for a reason, that God is working out something for the good of it, we just do not know what that good is at the time we are going thru. Yet my faith falters everytime this situation just engulfs me. Sorry for the rambling..my thoughts and feelings are all over the place at this moment.

{{{Hurtinone}}}

Tears are good, cleansing. Cry as much as you need to, let them out.

I hear some positive things in your situation already.

And you are right God does allow these seasons for a purpose. We can't always see the big picture, but He can . He is going to bring good from this. Wait and see!

Shul

Hang in there with us HurtinOne.We WILL help you through this.Just hold on.

Like GC mentioned,please consider AD's(antidepressants) to help you through this.If I weren't on them myself,I would not have been able to function for myself nor my kids.They needed me,the one parent that was able to be there for them.It also helps to stabilize your emotions so you can cope.

Once you have read this site and become familiar with the concepts,a plan of action will need to be put in place.If you know who, what, where, when and how then you have the ability to start making some changes and work toward either a recovery with your WH or a SELF recovery without him.

One important issue that stands out from your last post is the semi counseling and semi committment.Here it is called cake eating and fence sitting.That is a very important time to know what you are doing and to be ABLE to do this you have to be in a state of realtive stability.That means that you take care of yourself first so that you are sleeping ok or the best you can,eating properly(for strength to endure this) and taking medication(AD's ) if you need to and I think it can really help and the counseling.You need a support system around you that will help you at home in addition to us.

I hope this makes some sense.I don't want to overload you with information.We all have a lot to say and help you with.Take it all in in small doses,ok?

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey there Hurtin,
I'm so glad you found some help in my posts. I'm actually very moved by this. I've never had anyone reach out to me the way you just did. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NOW !!!!

On to the tough stuff, your read my story, and you know how BADLY I suffered, and how BADLY I wanted the whole mess just to end one way or another. If it weren't for my tried and true support system here I would NOT be where I am today.

There are lots of positives you have to work with. I want you to tell me what's good about YOU. Tell me why you love your H. Tell me why you want to stay married.

The methods here work. And I think you'll find support and help here.

Make sure you're eating, and drinking. Days and days and days would go by and I wouldn't have a sip of water.

We'll take care of you sweetie...stick with us.

Hi BetrayedinJersey (Hi everyone),

Warning this is long and rambling....

A little about me...(and WH)..I am 47 WH is 48, we have known each other for 9 1/2 years, married 3 years next month. We are blended family, we both have children that live with us, the children get along great (actually you cannot tell that they are not blood brothers and sisters). This is the second marriage for both of us. WH is a wonderful father if you met us and we did not tell you that he is not the biological father of my children you would never know. I have two really close friends who do know about the affair, however lately I do not share with them, not because they are not concerned about me, they can tell that this is affecting me really bad, however I am too embarrased to share anymore with them, here I am putting up with infidelity from my spouse.

To answer your question "whats good about me", I will say what others have consistently said about me, that I am a wonderful, giving, caring person, a good mother, very loyal, a good daughter, a great friend. (My two closest friends tells me that they are so grateful to have me as a friend), other than that I really do not know how to describe myself, (my Mom always tells me you do not toot your own horn....smile). I do know however, I am a child of God, having God in my life is very important to me, and I will not give that up for anything or anyone, and I hold myself accountable for my personal integrity, morals etc.

Do I love my husband?....yes I do, though lately some days, I just want out of the marriage, even though doing so would be finiancially difficult, (2 kids in college). I do work and earn a good salary. I have told WH that I want out of the marriage, that I am very unhappy, that I am willing to let him go so he can be happy with OW.
The irony is he knew her before we met....years before we met, and she was his affair during his first marriage (I did not find this out until much, much later in our relationship), and he swore that it was long over, that the OW means absolutely nothing to him.
I love my husband because he is a good person, a good father, he loves my children unconditionally, he is a good provider, he has a great sense of humor (and tries to lighten my spirit, with humor and loving playfulness, ever though this issue exist).

There are a lot of positives in my marriage, we date once per week, we take a vacation just the both of us every year, we have getaways at least once every three months, we do a lot with the children as a family, we do attend to Church together, we do almost everything together, and he has started spiritual counseling (which he does not do on a regular basis). He is home every evening, he is home on week-ends, I just cannot get past the continued infidelity, and it affects me deeply.

I do try to eat, I just do not sleep at nights. I know so much about his affair, more than he thinks I know, and the lies he tells, they absolutely devastate me, because I KNOW he is lying, I have the facts, I show them to him, and he just keeps on lying, and the pain just get worse, and deeper. Now I just want a little peace, a little joy in my life...is that selfish that I should desire peace, just to not deal with this anymore, because I am at my end, I just cannot go on. I will keep reading, and posting, and praying, and listening to all the advice that is given here. God bless you all for just taking the time to read and respond, to understand just how much this hurts.

Hi BetrayedinJersey (Hi everyone),

Warning this is long and rambling....

A little about me...(and WH)..I am 47 WH is 48, we have known each other for 9 1/2 years, married 3 years next month. We are blended family, we both have children that live with us, the children get along great (actually you cannot tell that they are not blood brothers and sisters). This is the second marriage for both of us. WH is a wonderful father if you met us and we did not tell you that he is not the biological father of my children you would never know. I have two really close friends who do know about the affair, however lately I do not share with them, not because they are not concerned about me, they can tell that this is affecting me really bad, however I am too embarrased to share anymore with them, here I am putting up with infidelity from my spouse.

To answer your question "whats good about me", I will say what others have consistently said about me, that I am a wonderful, giving, caring person, a good mother, very loyal, a good daughter, a great friend. (My two closest friends tells me that they are so grateful to have me as a friend), other than that I really do not know how to describe myself, (my Mom always tells me you do not toot your own horn....smile). I do know however, I am a child of God, having God in my life is very important to me, and I will not give that up for anything or anyone, and I hold myself accountable for my personal integrity, morals etc.

Do I love my husband?....yes I do, though lately some days, I just want out of the marriage, even though doing so would be finiancially difficult, (2 kids in college). I do work and earn a good salary. I have told WH that I want out of the marriage, that I am very unhappy, that I am willing to let him go so he can be happy with OW.
The irony is he knew her before we met....years before we met, and she was his affair during his first marriage (I did not find this out until much, much later in our relationship), and he swore that it was long over, that the OW means absolutely nothing to him.
I love my husband because he is a good person, a good father, he loves my children unconditionally, he is a good provider, he has a great sense of humor (and tries to lighten my spirit, with humor and loving playfulness, ever though this issue exist).

There are a lot of positives in my marriage, we date once per week, we take a vacation just the both of us every year, we have getaways at least once every three months, we do a lot with the children as a family, we do attend to Church together, we do almost everything together, and he has started spiritual counseling (which he does not do on a regular basis). He is home every evening, he is home on week-ends, I just cannot get past the continued infidelity, and it affects me deeply.

I do try to eat, I just do not sleep at nights. I know so much about his affair, more than he thinks I know, and the lies he tells, they absolutely devastate me, because I KNOW he is lying, I have the facts, I show them to him, and he just keeps on lying, and the pain just get worse, and deeper. Now I just want a little peace, a little joy in my life...is that selfish that I should desire peace, just to not deal with this anymore, because I am at my end, I just cannot go on. I will keep reading, and posting, and praying, and listening to all the advice that is given here. God bless you all for just taking the time to read and respond, to understand just how much this hurts.

So very sorry for the double post...my sincere apologies. Still trying to learn about the site

Originally posted by HurtinOne:


Funny how I am a Christian who believes that all seasons in our life is for a reason, that God is working out something for the good of it, we just do not know what that good is at the time we are going thru. Yet my faith falters everytime this situation just engulfs me.

I think one of the more helpful book for your particular situation (based on what you wrote here ) is

~Love Must Be Tough~

by James Dodson.

It's sometimes a little hard to find this book, but I believe most libraries carry a copy. It can also be found on the Focus On The Family Website.

There is hope. Doing "nothing" but "wait-and-see" is a BIG mistake. It will flatten your marriage and erode what's left of your self-esteem.

That particular book, in my opinion, can lead you to choose the most effective action you can take to end the affair.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I KNOW he is lying, I have the facts, I show them to him, and he just keeps on lying, and the pain just get worse, and deeper. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALL WS lie. They can't help it. The entire mess is such chaos for them, they can't discern the "truth" anymore.

I think you have SO much to work with here. Have you had an opportunity to ask him direct questions? Not nagging, but cut and dry... do you want a future with OW ? Is there something in our M that your not happy with ? Do you feel that I'm worthy of unconditional love, and honor ?

Are you sure that he is in an active PA ? or do you think this is an ongoing EA ? What emotional needs is he getting from her that you are not given a chance to meet ?

If he insists to you that there is nothing going on...what is he willing to do to prove this to you? Is he accountable for his time ? Or is he openly defending his R with the OW ? Regardless of it's content, you find it hurtful, and that's all that matters.

You sound like you are really at a crossroads. What is YOUR plan ? What are you will to do to break this cycle ?

If you won a million dollars in the lottery tomorrow would you just up and leave your H , never to look back ?

Pepperband, Thank you for the recommendation of the book, i will definately get a copy, read and implement.

BIJ,
Your ask some really thought provoking questions, and I welcome them, because it alters to some extent my jumbled thought process.

To answer your questions, yes I have asked WH what is he getting from OW, that he is not getting from our marriage, his reply is nothing, I have told him I will do/help in any way I can to get our marriage back on track. WH does not like to talk, avoids confrontations like it is a plague or something...he will do anything not to talk. The times we have talked i do all the talking, he just sits and listens. He has made promises before to end the affair, and then I find out that it is still on going.

It is both a EA and PA affair, he has admitted to it, I have caught him leaving OW home, after he has promised to end contact with her, I have access to the e-mail address that they use. He has told her on a couple of occasions it is over, then he goes back after he feels that things have settled down a home. He rarely sends her e-mails, majority of the e-mails are from her, there is no doubt that this is an affair, she is waiting for him to divorce me (apparently something he has promised her), so they can have a life together, some of the e-mails that are sent to him are detailed sexually explicit, reading them is like a porno movie.

He is accountable for his time except when he is at work, thats when he sees her during the day, or before he picks me up from work He does not defend his relationship with her, he talks about her in a very disparging manner (which upsets me, after all she is woman, who is hurting like I am, he makes promises that he cannot/will not keep to her, and has been doing so for about 15 years). The reponsibility of the affair sits squarely on the shoulers of WH, even though OW plays a significant role, it is his marriage not hers.

One good thing is she relocated to another state
2 months ago, however she is planning to move back to our state, when she has accomplised what she has to do.

You are right I am at a crossroads, trying to make the best decision for my family, and myself.

BetrayedinJersey....You asked "If you won a million dollars in the lottery tomorrow would you just up and leave your H , never to look back ?"

the answer is no, I would want to share/enjoy that blessing with my WH, wierd is'nt it, but the ultimate goal for me is my marriage, my family, however, I try to stay grounded, this may not happen. WH told me this evening when he picked me up from work he is going back to counseling, I can only continue to pray that God will order his steps, and mine.

They is a gospel song that says "after you have done all you can, just stand, and let the Lord see you thru. some days that is what I try to do, some days I am not successful.

Welcome Hurtinone

The people here are the greatest! I don't know where I would be without them.

I've gotten great advice here, and see there is a lot of love for those in our situations. They have all been going through the same things we have.

You get no better advice anywhere, than from experience. There's a lot of experience here at this site.

You can read everyone's experience here, and learn from it. Reading SAA, HN/HN, and LB also help. Along with prayer, we will all get through this.... and be better for it.

Love and hugs........K