Hello, since d-day I found this place and have found it very helpful reading all the posts to uderstand how common my situation is. But here's my story.

I'm 32, married 6 years with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. 9 months after the birth of our daughter my wife started to work again and began to push me away. We'd have dinner, I'd put our daughter to bed only to find that W was in her office working and then would go staight to bed. Home has been a lonely place for almost 2 years. Our routine of what I call "tag team parenting" has gone on ever since with minimal interaction between me and W. Last summer W came to me and said she wanted a divorce and that the only reason that she wasn't doing it right then was because of our daughter. While I knew things we not going well in our marriage, the prospect of divorce took me off guard. We didn't talk about it again until this past April. I was about to leave for a business trip and W told me that she still wanted a divorce and I needed to think about what we were going to do. As I thought about it while I was away, I became so angry that W could have a baby (which she REALLY wanted) and then so soon effectively remove herself from our marriage. When I got back, I told her that I couldn't talk about it right then because I was afraid I would say damaging things that I would regret. It didn't come up again until recently.

About a month ago, I came home from work and W was on the phone. She jumped off the phone quickly when she heard me come in and the way she did it made me suspicious about an A. A few days later while she was in the shower in the morning, I went and looked at her cell phone and email. What I saw will forever be burned in my head as I saw a bunch of received and sent emails from the OM, who happens to be one of my superiors at work! He's not really my boss, but higher up in the food chain in our company than I. Not only that but W has been doing some work for the OM that is not related to our business. From the reading, there was no doubt about the A. I did not know what to do and the following week I was going to have to spend 4 straight days with the OM for work. I decided to wait to confront W about the A until after those 4 days were over.

During those 4 days, W brought up divorce again. Our 6th anniversary was in a couple of days and we had my parents babysitting so we could go out. I told her we could talk then. At our anniversary dinner, I told W that I knew about the A. She denied. I guess I sort of did the Plan A at that time (though I didn't know about plan A at the time. I told here that I wanted to repair our marriage, for her to stop the A and for us to move forward if for nothing else, for the good of our daughter. I told her that she better be sure she wanted a divorce because there was no turning back. I told her that I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that the A was the product of our marriage problems and not the cause of them. At the time may best guess was that the A had been going on for about 6 months.

A few days later the OM's wife found proof about the A as well. I think OM's wife had suspected A for a long time. They have a 7 year old. OM's W confronted him in the morning. W and OM met during the day and decided to break off the A and to go to work on their marriages. W called me and asked me to come home. She me that she and OM had decided to end A and have NC. She said she's not ready to just jump into our marriage again and that I needed to be patient with her. She said that she wants to do what's best for our daughter and that she couldn't decide that while the A was going on. She says she doesn't know if we'll end up divorced or not, but that it just isn't going to happen right now. She said she would tell me anything about the A that I wanted to know, that she was tired of the lies. But she did say that she didn't think it was a good idea for me to ask too many questions as it may only make things worse. The one question I did ask was how long, and the answer was 1 1/2 years.

That conversation got cut kind of short because we had to go get our daughter from day care. the time between d-day and when I confronted her were difficult for me. I noticed so many things that were so obvious that she was having the A. Since she was doing some work for the OM, it was normal for them to have contact, but at the same time, I couldn't understand how I could be so blind for so long. I still believe that the A was the product of our marriage problems and not the cause, but the length of the affair makes it much harder for me to believe.

Since the conversation in which she ended the A (even though it's only been a few days, I believe she has ended it and that she won't go back) I have had an even harder time that before. The length of the A is a big problem for me. I am filled with so many emotions that I can't even organize my thoughts. I feel like I should be happy that the A is over, but I don't know what is going to happen from here. I want to rebuild our marriage and find the love and affection that we had when things were good. But I don't feel like I even know who my wife really is. She doesn't know what she wants, other than that she wants what's best for our daughter.

W is going to seek IC to try to sort our her own head. I have gone to IC twice since d-day and will continue. I hope that we can go to MC together, but she says she is not ready for that. She thinks that we got married too soon and that when we were geat it was because we were going out and partying all the time, but since we got married and more mature in our lives that there was nothing left. She says that opposites attract and that's what brought us together. But she says that is the problem now. We are making a point to try to spend time together, something we haven't done in a long time.

I love her, though I hate the way she's treated me for the past 2 years, not even considering the affair. the length of the A at least corresponds with the amount of time that she's treated my like a stranger, so I guess that's good. But I am struggling with the question of, "how can I love someone who could treat me this way." I want a "normal" family for our daughter and I want a good marriage.

While the bad part of our marriage has seemed so slow and so long and lately everything has happened so fast. I wish I could just take her in my arms and have her want to be no where else in the world. But I understand that we have real issues other than the A that we need to get through (hopefully) befor that can happen.

It's just very hard to know how to act right now. I want to give her what she wants and needs, but she doesn't even know what she wants and needs.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate any support and advice.

Hi Nemo16,

Welcome to MB.

First of all,you are so new in this horrible trauma,it's important for you to take care of yourself.Your daughter needs you right now as the rational parent.It's good that you are already seeing a counselor.

Next I would suggest that you continue to read all the concepts here especially Plan A.This is what you should be doing if you want to follow Dr.Harley's advice.Even though you are hurting,your WW is too and she needs to know that you are not going to blast her every time you see her even though you may want to.

Get the books SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs).These books wil help explain what is happening to you both and how to identify and meet emotional needs that weren't met in the marriage and can contribute to a person making the horrible choice of adultery even though this is in no way your fault.It is 100% the choice of your WW to make the decision to go out of the marriage and get needs or whatever met by another man.

It's also good that the OM's W knows about the A.It has helped both of the cheaters to cool it for now although that doesn't mean it's over by a long shot.They will be in the throws of withdrawal like drug addicts and will start looking for ways to contact each other.

Keep coming back to post too.We will help you get through this.

O

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Nemo,,,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to rebuild our marriage and find the love and affection that we had when things were good.

This is a very important first step to rebuilding your marriage.
One thing you have to do is think of all the reasons you have to stay married to your WW.
If none of the reasons are your wife then the odds are against rebuilding. It has to be about you and your wife. I know you both want what is best for your Daughter but she cannot be the sole motivator to rebuild your marriage.
One thing I respected from my IC was he told me to look at my Marriage and all the reasons I have to stay. If my wife was not one of the reasons then there was little chance of rebuilding a loving relationship between me and my wife.
I think you love your wife and feel like you can still love her.
It is only fair that you ask your wife the same question,,,, do any of her reasons for rebuilding marriage apply to you.
Counselor says there are allways tons of reasons to stay in a marriage,,, financial, children, an adapted way of life. Close your eyes and visualize nothing but your wife.... now ask yourself do I still love this woman, can I commit to being a loving husband to this woman? The answer should be clear.

When I look at her, my heart still leaps as if it were the first time we were together. I want to reach out and hold her, to touch her and massage her and to make love to her. She cannot say the same thing right now, and that pains me as much as anything. While we have shared a few hugs since NC began, I can tell it is not completely comfortable for her. They are the first hugs in a long time, in fact I can't remeber the last. I only hope that she can find in me what brought us together in the first place, but right now I feel fairly helpless. It sucks that I have to be the one who is understanding and all she can be is sorry about what she's done!

When/if we do get back to the lovemaking part, I hope I can suppress the visualizations of her and the OM. I hope that I get to face that problem!

Welcome to marriage builders. For some reason there are a lot of men right now in your situation. So you are in good company.

Stay in Plan A, and try to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things. Also see if your wife will take the emotional needs questionnaire so you are sure you are filling hers.

Are you certain that the OM's wife knows? Often they claim that, but it is sometimes not true.

Believer, thanks for the tip on the 15 hours. W has actually been reaching out a bit. Yesterday she wanted us to go out to dinner alone, but it was too last minute for a babysitter, so all three of us went. We actually let our daughter behave quite badly and play under the table for a while, something we'd normally never do, just so that we could talk. When we got home and got our daughter to bed we stayed up and talked much longer. She asked if I could leave work in the afternoon and play golf together in the afternoon, which we did and we had a good time. SO that's two days in a row of more time together than we've had in a long time.

My problem is that she still doesn't know what she wants and needs me to be patient and take things slowly as she collects herself. While the time together is nice, she still hasn't committed to rebuilding, just that she wants to look at herself and our marriage without the distraction of the A so she can make real decisions. She said that she can't just turn back and act like we're happily married again. She says she just can't hop into bed with me and start over. We haven't been sleeping in the same room for 6 months and still are not. I realize it's only been 4 days since the A ended, but it seems like an eternity in that I wish I could see progress towards rebuilding.

I understand I need to give her her space and try to be loving towards her without being smothering or pushy. I feel like this is a very delicate time for us right now, and just never know what the right moves are. Yesterday before she even asked me to go to dinner I sent her an email from work saying that I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking of her and hoped she was having a good day. She didn't respond to it, but when we were at dinner she made a point to say that it was nice and that she didn't respond because she didn't know how to. Frankly I wasn't sure to send it and how she would take it, but it seems as though it was positive. I want to find some little way each day for her to know that I love her and am thinking of her, without doing the same thing each day. But I'm afraid that she'll think I am being impatient and pressuring her too much. It's all very hard.

I am sure that the OM's wife knows. Last Saturday the OM and I had to work with a client together. When we were done I asked him if he had a moment to have a beer together. He knew that I knew about the A and that he and my W had decided to stop the A and work with the marriages. Unfortunately the OM is important to the success of my career and we are going to have to learn to deal with each other. We consider our group at work a little family and it has been very hard that he was the OM. But I don't blame him as much as I blame W. It was a pretty weird conversation to say the least and was pretty damn uncomfortable. But I thought it had to be done right away. He was very upset, guilty and said he was so sorry. We even talked about how the confrontation went in his house. I still wanted to crack his skull, but frankly that wouldn't do any good. It would actually probably make him feel better if I just hit him. He took his W and daughter away for the week for some separation from everything. I'm a bit jealous that my W and I can't do the same right now. At least he's not at work right now, which makes going there easier, but it will certainly be hard to be there when he gets back next week. I do feel like their guilt is my friend in this case and that the high road is the best one to take. But I also feel too rational in the way I've been dealing with this on the outside.

One of the hardest parts of this situation is that it is affecting both my family and professional life, so there is no place to escape it even for a short time.

The professional part of this is entirely secondary, which is why I barely touched on it in my original post. Really the only reason I touched on it now is because I was asked if I was sure his W knows and I am.

I don't think W is ready for the questionaire and I'm worried that would cross the line of not being patient. She says that it isn't anything that I've done or didn't do, but she just isn't sure that we're meant to be together. She thinks we may be too different. I don't buy her arguement though and want to prove to her that I am the one who can maker her happier than she ever thought she could be. However, I've obviously failed at that so far, so I'm searching for answers as well. It looks like have made the perfect arguement for the questionaire! but I just don't know that the time is now. I hope to get her into MC together, but she says she needs IC before she can do that, if at all.

She says she's very confused and F'ed up and I believe her. SO I guess I just have to make myself as attractive to her both emotionally and physically as possible and hope she comes around. But I'm just not sure that I know how.