Why is it so easy for people outside our situation to say things like
"Maybe its time to move on without her."
"Divorcing my first wife was the best thing I ever did."
"How long are you going to let yourself hurt over her?"

I've heard all these things, more than once. Why is it so easy for people to tell me to throw away my marriage without trying everything to save it?

I would much rather move on WITH her.
Maybe divorcing your first wife worked for you, and I'm happy for you. But that doesn't mean its right for me.
I will go on hurting over her as long as I believe there is real hope for a future together with her.

Yeah, I hurt. A lot. But it will be worth it if one day My wife and I are back together. My feelings run far too deep to just turn them off. Maybe the day will come when I have to pack it in and divorce her, or let her divorce me. But I will be able to look myself in the eye and know I tried EVERYTHING to save a beautiful marriage.

Thanks for letting me rant. People telling me to give up make me angrier than my wife has ever made me.

Hi dreid,

I get that too sometimes although those closest to me know that I don't need nor want to hear opinions like that.All I need is their support.It is very easy for the outside world to give advice and be judgmental but until they are walking in your shoes,they need to pipe down.

An example is a friend of my WH and myself that I recently wrote about.He now understands what I am going through because it is happening to him TOO.Before he would say "just dump the bum" but now he sees everything so much clearer.

I would suggest that you calmly but firmly tell these people that you honor your marriage vows and you love your WW and are trying to do the best you can given the circumstances.Don't be afraid to speak your mind OK? I sure as heck am not nor have I ever been.Big open book is what I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Dried,
Somtimes, and I mean only Sometimes, those peoples opinions are good ones. They are looking at things from the outside when you are to close to the problem.

I know that after listening to me complain about my H for years I finally listened to my GF's and sisters and am finally starting over.

Maybe you are to close to the problem.

dreid..

pleae realize also that people don't know what to say or do to fix your pain...

that your parents and family hurt because you hurt...

their advice is often well meant to "allieve' your pain and their own discomfort in witnessing it...

cleave to the few that understand where you are coming from....and thank the others for their intentions....and move on to other topics....

some really do mean the best for you ..
they just don't know what to say...

ark

dreid,

The first thing to realize is that this is only a messageboard. It's not therapy, and there is no one really here who is a professional marriage coach. Most of the posters here are dealing with a lot of things themselves, and for many it is difficult (if not impossible) to separate their own emotions and experiences from the advice they give to others - no matter how well-meaning they might be. You just have to take what you get here with a little grain of salt.

This is a great place to get ideas and to gain and give support to others going through marital crisis. However, I do see a lot of advice being given that contradicts the MB prinicples that are outlined on the website.

It really is up to each individual to read the Basic Concepts, Q & A, and other sections before coming to the forum so that you can separate out the advice that adheres to the principles and those that don't. I have a feeling most people, however, don't do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If you are interested in improving your marriage then don't give up! Keep learning and keep trying to improve your marital skills. And, if possible, get the help of a REAL MB-Certified Pro that can give you some real advice on what to do.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-HD

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Dreid,

I understand where you are coming from on this topic. As much news coverage there is on A's these days, you would think they would also cover how to prevent A's or recover from A's.

I have thought about this topic alot. I know people just want to be helpful and are not sure how to be other than tell you to get away from the immediate pain. Part of what was happening for me, is I would call my friends and family when I was having a really bad day. So they thought that WH was hurting me all the time and I was in pain. Of course, the pain part is true, but I did not call them when we had an okay day. To be honest, I don't think I wanted to tell them WH was a human being because I wanted them to hate him for me. Also I was afraid to tell them something good just in case it was not real. So to some degree I helped to create the negative opinions that others have of my WH.

That being said, we have alot of support here on the MB board. Most common folks do not really understand what happens in an A until it happens for real. Come here for support and stay strong.

Don't want to make this another "pile on Cheffy" thread, but Cheffy, I know marriage builders. I've talked to marriage builders. And Cheffy, you are no marriage builder.

Sorry Cheffy. But could you tell us what you want to gain from being here? There are other places where these things you write would be much better received. Evil, nasty places, but still... why are you at MB?

GC

dreid,

Well, the people that will stand up for your marriage are the ones who will tell ws that they are wrong, and the others well...

I STILL have people telling me to leave them all, (H, kids), but they are NOT in my situation, they have no experience or time in marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Marriage Builders isn't your average site. It is all about saving your marriage. Secular and regular society are not about this, check the statistics on infidelity and divorce if you doubt my word. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Are you in a plan? Are you in plan A? Are you trying to fill your spouse's lovebank?

Where are you at?

Most regular folk don't know about or want to think about saving marriages.

However, we at MB forums are ALL about this.

We support that you want to make your marriage work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Where are you in your plan? What is going on? Do you have any religious faith to help you through this time?

What do YOU want?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Graycloud,

Your right. I didn't mean anything bad. Just trying to add something to this question. We all recieve different types of "advice". I don't know which ones are right. Maybe the advice we think is "right" is the one we want to believe is right. Maybe that is all fog.

I wish my own mairrage was salvagable. I admire the people here who are working on thiers, I really really really do. I worked hard too, but with out the benefit of this site and the things I've read here. But I think I tried very hard.

I support whatever decision Dried makes. Sometimes we get advice we don't like so we discard it. It is really important to really look at what and why people are saying things to us.

I found what Arc said very interesting, that sometimes friends give us advice that they think we want. Or advice that makes them feel better. Maybe even trying to lessen our pain, because our pain is causing them discomfort.

That said. I believe in marriage and finding your soulmate.

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Dreid, just remember, you are the only one who knows the WHOLE story. Often our friends and family only know what we have told them, and thier entire knowledge usually comes from the negative venting that we do. We don't go over and carry on about the GOOD things our spouses do, we just carry about the bad things!

So, in addition to a skewed view, they are also anxious to see us removed from the pain, not realizing that said removal is often MORE painful than staying.

It's real easy to say "dump the B" when it's not your family.

This is why it usually isn't a good idea to listen to friends and family when it comes to situations like this. And sure, sometimes it is appropriate to move on and the issue is a deluded and foggy BS, but I find that more often it is not.

ML, thanks for rescuing dreid's thread.
GC

Dreid, and I also believe, as much as people are trying to save your pain, that sometimes misery loves company.

Most of my WW "friends" and relatives have traveled the divorce road. Sometimes more than once. I think they might enjoy seeing her as a fallen angel. I believe they may even have been jealous that she had a 15 year marriage as a stay at home mom.

Tom, that is something that has concerned me for some time. The friends and family memberss that I think my wife is confiding in have all walked the same road.
An older sister with 3 grown children by 3 different fathers.
A best friend working on her 3rd marriage. (had an A with her 2nd husband after moving in with her 3rd)
Another friend working on her 2nd A while still living with her H.
Yet another friend, who is married, but in love with another man.
What kind of advice is she getting from them?
Probably "Dump the bum and find someone who makes you feel good."

Its hard to compete with that. Especially while we are living apart. If we at least lived together again I would have a better chance of showing her I AM the right man for her.

I know Dreid.

My single friends say dump the sleezy &*@#$@ bag.

My divorced friends say no woman is worth the crap she's done. There's lots of women who would appreciate you. And... I have a few in mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My sucessfully married friends say, is there any chance you can work it out. Did you seek counciling? What can we do? It is work, don't quit.

I never talked bad about my WW to anyone. But many of them had different opinions than I thought they would have. I guess they saw or knew something that I didn't see.

Me too.
I had a talk with a neighbour last night. Seems she and her husband (happily and successfully married} suspected something was going on but didn't feel they had the right to bring it up. Didn't want to raise questions in my mind. She was very supportive to me. Doesn't like to see me hurting, but understands my need to keep trying. Said they have been praying for me.
I wonder how many other friends know or suspect but feel they are "protecting" me by not saying anything.

Absolutely no marriage goes without any challenges.

I personally feel that those who have "dumped them" or quickly divorced without trying just took the easy way out.

And most of them will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes they made in the next relationship they have. A perpetual cycle of failure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

-HD

Tom- I never talked bad about my WW either, but now that this has happened family and friends have opened up their thoughts about her. Like, "It was always about her", "She didn't seem like someone I could trust as a friend", "She was fun, but there was something off with her". Also found out that my father had regulations in the trust he is leaving to keep her from touching it because he didn't trust her. I guess the saying love is blind is very true. I either didn't notice these things or blocked them out. She also had problems with co-workers at every job she ever had. I just thought she had bad luck or other women were jealous of her, but now I wonder. Literally, every job she had! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I still love her very much, but sometimes wonder if when people say, "you are better off without her" that they are right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Can you relate?

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

bump