I had exposed my H's EA to family and now I'm not so sure if this was the right thing to do. We are currently in recovery, but the contact with the family member's and friends who I exposed the EA to is now basically non-existant. They used to call me all the time just to chat and talk, but now there is nothing. I call, leave messages, just to say hi, but I get no response. I think that maybe I have made people feel awkward by putting them in the middle of our personal problems.

I really regret this now and I feel that I've caused more damage than good.

I'm glad that I did not tell our close friends because I would hate to see what would have happened to a long-term friendship, but then friendships are supposed to weather storms as well, right?

It is just so hard to decide what is right and what is wrong in situations like this.

I can tell you though that I have really learned so much throughout all of this, not just about relationship, but also about people. This has truly turned me into an adult woman.

Kati

Kati,

I have just begun to expose my WW affair to her family and am VERY SORRY I did not do it 12 weeks ago. I had gotten no response from any family except the FIL which was a waste of time.

You are correct, the family does not have to deal with something they refuse to accept, and you can't make them believe it.

The GOOD part is exposing the A to friends and co-workers. THAT gets a lot of response usually positive. If these friends know the family well, believe me the next interaction will be VERY painful to the denying WS 's family. They lose all credibility and it forces them to deal with situation if only temporarily.

You done right. You just don't know it yet!

Agreed.

It's times like these when you find out who your friends really are.And sad to say,friends that stick by you in troubled times are hard to come by these days.Like the sense of entitlement galore in society today,there's a sense that if you have problems,well,their YOUR problems and not mine and there must be soemthing wrong with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Real nice huh?

People that feel awkward after being told something of this magnitude might need some time to process it.But eventually,if they care for you,they should come around and support you one way or another.

For example,I once was part of a group of women that helped this family whose son had been diagnosed with Leukemia.We all rallied around them making them dinners,helping out with groceries,taking the older daughter home for playdates or to her activities,etc just to alleviate the burden of some regular daily activities so that they could accompany their son to his chemo treatments or take a break from cooking or driving.It's just not as common anymore to support people in these difficult times.I wish that weren't true.At least that has been my experience lately.

Instead of holding back in fear as some people did,not knowing what to say or how to deal with something as scary as cancer,in a child,we did what we SHOULD have done and what anyone should do.I am reminded of Hillary Clintons' Book: 'It Takes a Village'.We all really should support our friends,family and neighbors more.Giving and helping makes the heart grow.


O

Do you think you'd be in recovery without the exposure?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Kati:
I think that maybe I have made people feel awkward by putting them in the middle of our personal problems.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or, another possible cause for their relative distance from you after exposure ... you could have reminded them of some betrayal episode within their own lives! Maybe their own deep dark secret was tweaked!

Ever think of that?

Pep

Kati:

Exposure is your best friend and it is used to disrupt the secrecy of the affair. There will be immediate aftermath because the two love birds thought this was there own little secret.

Exposure kicks reality into the face of the participants. It exposes their infidelity, even if it an EA. You needed to disrupt the perfect little loving romance between the secretive two to allow for the shakeup of the fantasy relationship to begin.

Your WS has shifted his emotions to the OP and it will be more difficult for him to maintain that cozy little world with pressure from his family.

If the EA continues, keep exposing him to more people. Good Luck.

Too Soon

OR
maybe some of them knew about his affair and feel guilty for not telling you.

When I exposed my WW to family and friends I received a ton of support and feel like I would have gone insane if I hadn't done it. On the other hand, one of the biggest blocks to our reconcile is that very thing. The shame in front of family and friends. She doesn't want to deal with it. It was a good and bad thing to do I guess.

Juke,

When your WW spouse comes out of her fog, that exposure will only hurt if YOU show her that YOU can not deal with it. Hopefully after you reconcile you can tell your wife " When I am seen with you hand in hand, our true friends and family will accept that for what it is. That I have forgiven you and that is all that matters.

Apologies to Kati for the hijack!

Hey Kati,

You know I tend to shy away from people who are not truthful with me...the couples I know who are having affairs or major trouble in their homes and don't tell the truth about it. It makes me nervous to be around them and hurts my feelings. When you live in truth, speak your truth and trust your friends and family to help you to do that, then you are the lucky ones. I always think that people who avoid me after I have shared myself and life with them are the ones who are uncomfortable because they have their own skeletons and are not living in truth themselves.

I guess what I am trying to say is how can we help our friends to uphold their vows if we don't know that they are in trouble.

You did the right thing for the right reasons, and you have your family back and intact and that is all that matters.

Thank you everyone for responding. I'd like to answer a few of your questions:

WAT:

I may not be in recovery if it hadn't been for exposure. I do believe that is correct.

I only exposed to a very select group of people whom I really trusted and felt comfortable sharing thoughts with. Now I'm not so sure if I really had this friendship with those people afterall.

Octobergirl put it in the right words... In times like these you will really understand who your true friends are and who you can trust. This was a BIG wake-up call for me and it made me reevaluate my relationship with certain people. This was extremely painful, but I guess I was going to find out one way or the other anyway.

Since I have no family in this country, I rely on friends for support as do many immigrants here in the U.S. This is only very natural and it hurts when you find out that some of these people are probably not your friends. I'm a very giving person, always opening up my home to people. I love to help out, maybe that is one of the traits of being an immigrant. I love living here in the U.S. and this country is my home now and I would do anything to help. However I have noticed that some people are only your friends as long as everything is going good and you have stuff to give and then when the time comes that you need help, you are basically alone. I guess that is called harsh reality. BUT, I refuse to let this harsh reality change me. I have promised myself that no matter what will happen to me, I will not loose my good attitude. I don't care what it will take. If I don't have that, then I might as well give it up.

Pepperband and Weaver also mentioned something interesting that I have not thought of before. That maybe MY issues and problem may touch a sore spot in someone who may be dealing with the exact same thing. They may be cheating or their spouse or they may have a cheating spouse. Maybe it scared them if I'm speaking the truth.

Kati

hugs to you {{{{{{{{{Kati}}}}}}}}

God bless, RR

Exposure can bring up thoughts of guilt from the WS's family. My H's father and mother suffered greatly from this. They blamed themselves for my H's actions.

He had seen both of them in open affairs throughout his childhood. They naturally blamed themselves. I did not. I know we are all a product of our childhoods and I saw their actions as a possible influence but I did not blame them.

Luckily they rallied around me. They lifted me up. I know not all WS's families are like this.

I think you can see the signs of this in Roughroad's case. Her WH's family seems to be terrified to confront her WH. The family of the OW in her situation will not stand up to their child to correct her. I assume this is because of their own skeletons.

I think exposure to friends closest to you is really called for in this situation. Do it now!

Express your love for your H when you carry out exposure. Do not do it in a hateful way or express feelings of anger. Just saddness and hurt.

Heroswife,

I did expose the EA to close friends. It was actually unintentionally, because I did not plan on doing it. I basically had a breakdown in front of friends when everybody pestered me about why I looked so skinny and pale. When I told them about the EA, but insisted that I still love my H, everybody just looked at me strangely. Some of they guys were supportive and gave some good advice and to this day, they are still talking to my H and I. Just the wives have been different and withdrawn. I think they are afraid that some of our marital problems may rub off on them and therefore they avoid me.

Kati

Bumped for InFaith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />