My H just left to go back to his brother's house. I am in such pain right now. He didn't even hug me when he left and he's blaming everything on me. I'm doing the best I can. My son starts school tomorrow and it's just sad that his dad isn't here with us. My son is excited about tomorrow and it just doesn't seem right that H isn't here. He's talking about seeling our house and the car....all becasue I haven't been able to find a job yet. I've been trying like crazy! I can't handle all of this at one time. I need to find strength somewhere. Please somebody give me some encouraging words.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Tree, this isn't MB advice here. I guess maybe it's just CV advice, so take it with a grain of salt. You have to tell yourself none of this is your fault. YOU did not have the A, PERIOD! Sure, if he blames you for everything he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself and his own actions. I'm telling you, start looking at him as an alien. My H wasn't nasty, but it did take a while before the lies stopped. I would just look at those blank eyes and think "Scary!"

Have you gotten on an AD? I'm telling you it will help you cope. You are going through one of the worst traumas imaginable. It's like being raped by the person you loved and trusted the most. Do whatever you need to help yourself cope.

Finally, during H's worst fog more than once I would remind him of the following. "It's not all about YOU choosing me. I need to figure out if I want YOU." That's the part that might not be so MB, however it worked for me. Every now and then I think I even told him he's not exactly the greatest catch at the moment to me. The thing is it shocked him into the reality that everything wasn't all about him, and he just might lose his family, me included. Now, I don't know if you or your H are at the point that you can or should say those things. But at least say them to yourself. Write it on a piece of paper if you need to. Before H came clean about the A I was getting close to leaving him. I couldn't stand the M anymore and he wouldn't talk to me. I was miserable! NOTHING was as bad as that time. Even the pain of knowing about the A. At least I knew the truth. Anyway, several times I wrote the following affirmation. Something like, "I deserve to be in a loving M."

Just because your H is feeding you this crap doesn't mean you have to buy it. And why does he have the say about selling your house or car? Find out what your rights are. Finally, has he ended the A? He is not going to get unfogged if he is still in the A.

About the lack of a hug, yes that really hurts. In the beginning my H actually flinched when I tried to just rub his stomach or back. I couldn't believe it. Then, it was all about me giving him affection. Now it is mutual. These As REALLY screw the WS up, and we get screwed up in their dysfunction. Hang in there. It does get better. You will get stronger. Please look into an AD if you aren't on one. I got on one 2 weeks after d-day and I couldn't believe the difference.

Hon, hang in there! This journey is so tough, but at the end of the day, whatever happens, you can hold your head up high. CV

Thanks Cv!
I needed to hear those encouraging words. H just seems so mad at me. He says becasue of all the stress of me not working that that's the reason he had A. He knew and agreed on me quitting my job at the beginning of the summer to spend the summer with our son. I just don't know why now he is blaming me for everything! I don't know how to respond to that! Alien, Alien!!!! I'll keep telling myself that!!!!
I am desperately seeking a job but have had no luck!!! I just don't know how I will ever get over all of this pain and resentment that is building up for him. I truly hate him right now.
What do I do with all the anger? How do I move on with feeling this way about him?
About the AD....I was on them before but stopped taking them. I have some left but not many. I guess I should go back to the doc to get more. I will do that!!!!

Tree, he is projecting his crap onto you. Don't allow it. DON'T BITE! Someone gave me this basic advice. Just look at him and nod. Maybe say, "Wow, sorry you feel that way. I thought the decision for me to quit my job was a mutual decision." And then walk away if you have to.
You still haven't said if he is still in the A, or did I miss that?

What AD were you on? Everybody reacts differently, but I was on Lexapro and it kicked in amazingly fast. Some ADs can take 4 to 6 weeks to kick in. I did have a sexual side effect, however I'm not sorry I took it. I needed immediate help.

As far as the anger, don't suppress it. Try not to unleash it on your H. It will only confirm how wonderful the OW was or is. What I did was vent like crazy on here. The anger will lessen, but it's part of the grief. There are days I still think to myself that I hate my H. I always hate the OW. If anything that feeling has increased the more I know. However, my goal is to be totally indifferent to her one day.

Are you in IC? If not, do that also. If your H complains about the money, tell him if it weren't for the A you wouldn't need to see a shrink. Well, maybe that's an LB. I did tell H all the counseling we've both had since d-day is cheaper than a D. Also consider calling Steve harley. He's expensive, but so good. CV

CV..
I was on Zoloft. It really helped me in the past. I will start taking it again tonight.

My H said he had stopped seeing OW but then last Friday took her to lunch. He says he needs to end it properly because she is hurting also. UGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What about me and our son???????? He says there is no more physical contact...just friends. He did admit that he called her the other day too. He says that she is willing to let him go to try and save his marriage. She told him that she loves him enough to let him go. BULLCRAP!!! He's now trying to use that crap on me. I'm sorry but I thought if you loved someone you fought for them. Am I wrong?????

He says he is really trying to distance himself from her. He says he just wants to find happiness for himself weather it be with me or not. He keeps telling me it has nothing to do with her....it's me and him.
What do I say to him to jog him out of this fog??????? I just get so pissed and then the next minute I'm crying my eyes out. I hate it!!!!!!

Originally posted by TreeReich:

What do I say to him to jog him out of this fog???????

You're kidding, right? Maybe this is your fog talking here! ~LOL~

You cannot say anything to jog him... you have to DO things.

His thinker is broke.

This is why you must have a PLAN OF ACTION not a plan of words.

Shake his tree. Make him wonder what you're up to....

you become such a calm, serene, sexy non-crying, non-whining female these days.... and he thinks "Why is she not chasing me?" and "Why is she looking so GOOD ?" and "Where is she? Why is she late?" and "Why is she wearing new perfume?" and "Is her hair different?" and "Who sent those roses?" and "Where did she get that anklet?" and "Why is she listening to ~that~ music? She never used to!"

words to his foggy brain ---> "blah blah blah"

Speak to his other senses... his nose.... his eyes.... arrouse his curosity. Become mysterous.

Pep

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Go get a temporary tattoo .... one of those henna things that lasts a few weeks. Upper arm or ankle.

Keep him guessing.... he'll be really curious.

Be vague in your responses about where you're going and what you're doing.

But be polite, smile, show caring and concern for his pain, but not too much, and be ever ready for a group hug and a roll around the floor with your child.

Pep

You really need to put your foot down!!!
Look him in the eyes and tell aboulutly NC with ow is your Marraige is going to recover.

Tree, I agree with Pep in that it does get the WS's attention to see you acting strong and looking good. Shattered Dreams here also used to talk about his academy award performances. Believe me, there were times I was rubbing H's head. being so loving, and thinking "What an @@@hole!" Not all the time, but definitely some of the time. We'd go out to dinner, and even though I knew he was missing her, I still made sure I looked mighty good. Not just for him, but for me.

I also agree with angels. He is still in the A, whether he wants to call it "Just Friends" or whatever. It's the "just friends" that get many people in As to begin with. You can tell him you love him, are committed to recovering your M, but it ain't going to happen with OW ANYWHERE in the picture. The little "B" is being very strategic. Oh, she loves him so much she is encouraging him NOW to try to save his M. I guarantee she'd probably be right there if he called her tomorrow. This just makes her look so noble. The WS is so fogged out they can't bare to see the OP as less than perfect. Then they have to admit the character of that person, and the character of themselves.

Your H's line that "It has nothing to do with her" is partially true. It's something inside of HIM that allowed him to cross that line. However, in my situation the OW pursued my H during a very difficult year. As Steve Harley made us understand, he didn't protect his weaknesses. He didn't even know what they were. So I now believe their are predatory OW's who could care less about breaking up a family.

I'm glad you're getting back on the Zoloft. It really will help you cope. During the 1st several weeks I couldn't do any of the things we're recommending to you, except for telling him OW or he's out. That was just me. I couldn't tolerate that. Keep posting! CV

I just got off the phone with him and I asked him about her...if he was still talking to her and of course I already knew the answer becasue I check the cell phone bill. He admitted that yes he has talked to her 3 times this week. She called him. I asked him why and he said she's having a hard time. OH MY GOD!!! What the hell does he think I'm going through. We had to hang up and his is going to call me back in a few. ANy words of wisdom before he calls back? I am so pissed and hurt right now!!!!!!!

Going through exactly the same thing as you.

WH told me that when he broke it off with her, she was crying and sobbing. For some reason now, he feels he can tell me all about her and her pain. What about mine? What about all the many nights I have done the same?

He says she said she loves him enough to let him go. When I called her she said "I have given him every opportunity to make himself happy". Meaning she's told him she..... IT'S ALL CRAP AND LIES!!!! They seem to sit around in their little liars nest and lie to each other!!! Sorry, venting.

I have no advice to give you, just let you know I'm standing right next to you.

Be strong..... I'm trying to be too. K

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

K,
It seems like we are going through the exact same thing. I have no advice either but just know that I'm here and we can chat and vent to each other and maybe help each other to be strong!!!!

Thanks Tree...

This is the best place to get support. I find it also helps me a lot to let others know that I'm going thru the same thing, and we can help each other be strong.

As I have always told my daughter, there are worse things than being alone.

This is worse.

Call on me if you need me... I don't have a lot of advice to give, but I'm here for you. K

Thanks K...same for you...I'm here if you need to talk.
My H said he was going to come by today and pick son up after school and still no sign of him. It makes me wonder where he is. I guess right now there is nothing I can do....just take care of me and my son. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Thanks K...same for you...I'm here if you need to talk.
My H said he was going to come by today and pick son up after school and still no sign of him. It makes me wonder where he is. I guess right now there is nothing I can do....just take care of me and my son. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever gone through.