For what it's worth, a couple things from me:

He knows I cannot tolerate this, so if we stay together, he will lie and try not to get caught. And I will live in fear.

First: This is just wrong! This is exactly why I'm afraid to let my WH back if he decides he wants to come back. We should NOT live in fear. You should not have to try and figure out if everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie or not!

Second thing: Maybe I'm the one who missed something here, but I didn't get from Dr. Harley's books that the WS would ALWAYS be in love with the OP, if contact ends.

And perhaps I shouldn't bring this up because I'm on here as the BS right now, but 14 years ago I had a very brief P/A (after a longer E/A--except I didn't know what an E/A was--just thought we were good friends). My H took me back. I admit, I had feelings for the OM that I didn't really believe I had until after the whole thing happened. I didn't realize how much I was relying on him to meet my needs and how much I felt for him. I found myself having all sort of "what if we were together" thoughts and really missing him initially. (And unfortuately, this was way before I found MB, so I did stay in occasional contact with him.)

But guess what. I DON'T have feeligs anymore and haven't for a LONG time. I could see him now(shouldn't, but could...making a point here) and I would not be "in love". I won't lie--something will trigger a thought and he'll cross my mind on occasion, but not in "those" ways! I just wonder how he and his wife are doing, etc. (He wasn't M when I met him.) I have no romantic feelings, thoughts, desires, etc. for him at all. Truth! In fact, I now wonder just what the heck I was thinking. So it IS possible for the WS to fall out of love again with the OP.

LL


LL

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Everhopeful -

You sound so strong!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only thing he is not comfortable with is 1)not being able to have sex with me 2)me dating other men. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unbelievable! Is he on drugs?

You stay tough now. Don't be too easy on him.

Take care!

sss

Thank you all for responding. My counselor says that H is going through a midlife crisis. We have been together almost 18 years total and my counselor says that what he gleened from the session from my H was not only the desire to me nonmonagmous, but to find a woman younger or or same age (I am older) that is more "appropriate" suitable for him than I. Someone to grow old "together" with - that he has the grasser greener issue going. So maybe its not just the nonmonagamous issue that H is telling me - its actually the pursuit of a new relationship. The counselor also told me that he felt personally feels that H would miss me, want me more than he realizes, after we are apart, assuming (which I will be firm about, that we don't have an intimate, even "dating" relationship.

He also told me that he thinks the attraction to OW is because she is so different than me, (duh), and that if he tried to settle down with her, his life woud be totally unstable. As far as I have seen, our age difference has never been an issue in reality, we are totally compatible, no age related issues, but that it's more the "reality" of our age difference that is the issue for my H. And that is certainly something that I can't change. Seemed to work for us in the past 14 years, but the mid life crisis makes him think that this is only going to get worse for him, and that I am going to get "old" before he does, and that this is his big chance to find someone else before he gets too old to attract a younger woman. My counselor says that I provide something to my H that he will not receive from another woman, no matter how age appropriate. He said I am "a unique person, very special" and a good match for my H - that he will have a hard time without me in my life.

He also emphasized that I needed to begin steps to take care of myself and the kids, and talk to an attorney.

H's parents divorce was very ugly and contained child custody battles and refusal to pay child support. H and I have vowed to be fair and civil in any separation, but yet I have always seen a side of my H that is financially defensive, probably since he witnessed the nasty battle between his parents as a kid. The ironic thing is that it was his dad, my father in law, who first told me I needed to look out for myself and see a lawyer.

So we have the relationship issue, where my counselor says "don't hide your feelings, he needs to be aware of your pain and what you fear will be the pain of your kids" and now the financial issue. This is a mess, anyway you look at it, and I am not looking forward to it.
Still looking forward to our vacation, and after that - must deal with the emotional AND practical realities.

This is not fun, and I had a hard time keeping things together at work. I figured he had gotten over the "age difference" issue a long time ago, but I guess not. I'm scared, sad and not looking forward to the next few weeks.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I truly appreciate your support during this crisis.