My H and I just returned from our long weekend. We had a great time. This is why I am so confused.

Last Thursday, (the day before we left) I listened to my voice-activated recorder and I heard a very long, serious phone conversation that my H had with his favorite sister. He basically told her that he is done with our M. Apparently he is starting to tell his other sisters as well (he has 5 others). He told his favorite sister that she shouldn’t defend him in the family over his decision. He doesn’t want her to get into any fights in the family because of him. I guess his other sisters don’t support him in his decision.

He told her that he has been miserable since last October/November. (This is when he started treating me horribly --distant/cold/mean/no SF). But then in January/February he said he had sort of an awakening and now he feels emotionally free (this is when he started treating me a little better - and resumed SF).

His main complaint to her was that I am not as interested in SF as he is. He says I do not initiate. He said that he tried to go for a while and not initiate to see what would happen. He said that one week went by, then another, and another, until almost 3 months (what?!? He totally exaggerated here) went by. He told her that he has been trying for years and he is tired and gives up. I know that I am not totally guiltless. But I would like to know how he really tried?

His other complaint about me is RC. He likes to have an active social life and to go to nightclubs, and I am more of a homebody. He feels like he is in prison with me. He did mention that he was in heaven when we went to a nightclub recently. We danced for hours. (This was a first for me and I actually had a good time.) I think he told her it was a little too little and too late.

He said a bunch of other things, too, like:

- When he is single, he is going to go out to nightclubs every weekend.
- He is afraid that I am in love with him. It makes him feel guilty.
- He said that he is not sorry he married me. He feels that we both grew from this marriage.
- He still wants to get transferred to Europe without me. He is confused about what to do about me, though. He is thinking about us transferring back to my hometown first so that I can look for a job there and be close to my family (before he leaves.)

So now I am very confused. If he wants to leave the M, why would he care about moving back together to my hometown first? Is it guilt?

Another thing – we had a wonderful time on vacation. He acted as if he were in love. It was like we were on our honeymoon again. He was more affectionate than ever, and SF was like it hasn’t been in a long time (passionate). Again, is this guilt, or is he confused, too? If he is sure about ending the M, when does he plan on telling me about it?

Someone please help me understand!

(sorry once again for the long post)

svb

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

SVB,
Sorry to hear the news. Sounds like you still have no proof of an affair except maybe with his favorite sister. Just kidding but seriously he is telling her intimate things about his marriage, life etc just like a man would tell his OW.

I still wouldn't discount the Affair theory based upon what I know about your story: condom wrappers, long drives on day off etc.

If he really isn't having an affair then it's possible that he's going thru a midlife crises or at least some of the symptoms. Remind me how old is he? Have there been any life altering occurances in his life ie job loss, death of a loved one, significant b-day 30/35/40/45 etc.?

It's my theory probably due to something I've read, that most WSs are depressed and in many cases going thru at least some if not all of the symptoms of a mid-life crises.

He does feel guilty. That's why he's acting 180 degrees from what he's thinking/ discussing with sis.

Remember some WH/Hs want to do something that will cause the other spouse to act. He's been mean and ugly for months hoping you'd get enough of it and tell him it's over. That way emotionally challenged H doesn't have to actually do it. He probably thinks he's given you all sorts of hints about this or what specifically is bothering him about the relationship.

Keep in mind if it's mid life crises oriented you could be the perfect wife and the perfect mate and he'd still find criticism. He has too many "what ifs" bouncing in his mind. What if I had moved to Europe when I eas single? What if I had married that other person?

In my case the discovery of my W's affair brought on the MLC. I now question every move I've made since meeting her. Some days I like what I see and others I have huge regrets.

Make any sense?

Mac

Hello Mac,

Thanks for the reply. What you say makes sense.

My H just turned 41 last month. So he was 40 when he started acting strangely last year.

It sounds like he definitely could be going through a MLC, either with an A or not. You're right, I don't have proof yet of an A.

Will he snap out of this? What do I do? Continue in plan A? So this means that he's not sure what he wants? It doesn't necessarily mean that the M is over in his mind?

svb

I have been thinking about this some more.

He told his sister that he has tried for years in our marriage. Now he is tired and gives up. He is done. I am wondering, how did he try?? He never wants to discuss anything with me. He never sat down and told me how he feels about the SF issue. If I have rejected him in the past, he just gets ANGRY and then doesn't speak to me.
I have only come to understand his frustration on this issue by reading this website and the posts of men with the same frustrations. I am truly trying to work on this EN.

This is also his manner of dealing with anything else. He is generally the type that lets things that bug him (like SF, domestic issues, etc) build up and doesn't say anything to me because I am supposed to "know." Then at some point he blows up and then doesn't speak to me for weeks. Then I have to beg him to talk to me and tell me what is wrong. How is this working on a M?

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>