Hi HINC,

How are you doing? I have been reading your postings with great interest. I am about ready to go to Plan B myself and I can relate to you alot of what you are saying. I have never tried so much to work things out as I have now. In other R's I just walk away--this time has been different.

I ask myself sometimes if I really want the M because it has been taken away from me or if I really love WH. Could it be that we are in a fog addiction also? Of course, today would be a good day to go to Plan B because WH has been in heavy contact which means he is moody, angry and LB'd me big time. Some days I think I deserve better--someone who wants to be with me.

I did found a helpful thread today from April 29 on support for Plan B's. When my day comes, I am sure I will be scared also and it will seem easier said than done...but I will come here for support. I will be challenged in finding things to fill my time as I do not have kids, only work. But I guess it will be a good time to explore and find hobbies and activities. I hope you will too.

Just sending a message of support. Hang in there and God bless.

Today is a bad day for me. My WS was told a couple of days ago that she had reached her max minutes on her cell phone and to not use it for a couple of days till the new period. She spent over 2 hours at $0.40 cents a minute today over $50 talking to OM today. I just hope she signs the separation agreemnet so I don't have to pay that bill. OM is wondering if she is getting cold feet. I don't think so. I think she is ready to leave-frankly so am I. I ready for this chaos to end. I am hurting so badly today. I feel so betrayed and unlovable. I trying to Plan A my best but my heart is broken. How do you get through the pain? My IC says there is no way around it only through it. Damn I hate this. She is my love. My wife. My partner in life. I know I'm not using my head but feeling my heart today.
I'm ready for Plan B even though I will be all alone.

Subday night 8-8--Plan a my a** off this weekend. Took the wife camping and canoeing in the mountains. She seemd to enjoy it very much. No relationship talk at all. Just fun. She said several times what a great time she had. Plan A? Planting seeds as Just Learning would say. I hope I am planting the seeds of doubt in her mind. At the very least she had a good time. I hope she sees the change in me. But I won't live with this A going on much longer. Young son leaves for college in 2 weeks. SO i'm gonna force the issue after he leaves. How do I get her off the fence? without becoming adversaries?

She has to hop down on her own. That fence isn't meant to be sat on. In fact you may need to let her know that the fence maybe replaced with a higher one and maybe with added barb wire (just to keep the riff raff out). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hopeful - I see many similarities between yourself an my WW. She has been having EA (that's all I know of ) with OP for 3 months. I have been having very similar conversations with WW about her signing a separation agreement as a tool for making this real to her and take responsibility for her actions.
In the last 24hrs we have had the same "get off the pot or sh1t" discussion as well as explaining how disrespectful it is to me for her to carry on the A. She agrees, but continues to do the obviously wrong thing.
My take on all of this (as well as the 2 IMC's )is that WW wants security blanket of our M but the freedom to have the A / go out with her friends when it suits. MC also agreed that she is avoiding taking any responsibility for this by having me make all the tough calls and arrange for legal processes to be instigated. I suspect that when it's all over I will be the bad guy for having kicked off procedings. I know others had already highlighted this as a possible ploy on your WS's behalf, but my reason for highlighting this to you as well is is that when I explained this to my WW last night she didnot disagree that was the the case. I don't know specifically about your situation, but my WS is a conflict avoider and this typical of how she has chosen to resolve anything difficult in our marriage (i.e. wait for someone else to do something about it, usually me). Good luck and be careful what you wish for as you may just get it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

B-trayed-you may be right. I know she loves the security of home while she carries on her, right now,long distance affair. She will have to give up a lot if she goes to OM. Family, friends, security of home etc. However there cannot be 3 in a marriage. Either the OM goes or she goes. I am struggling to get her off the fence. I have been Plan Aing but enough is enough.

Orchid-how do I add the barbed wire you mentioned? I am going to push for separation much harder when young son leaves for college.

Hopeful,
Sorry to hear this is happining in your life. I do not know how long the pain will last. The best piece of advice I got was only to think about how to get through the next hour and not think about next week. That seemed to help me. You will be amazed at how strong you can be.

All the experts tell me that plan A is your best chance to save your marriage. I am not an expert, but just a simple man with an ego. I tried to plan A for about 6 weeks. I lost it at our MC session 1.5 weeks ago and told her to stop the A or get out I had enough. Three things happened:
1) She told me the A was now over (even with an OC coming)
2) She got VERY mad
3) Now, instead of knowing what she is doing, I think she is lying to me all over again

The pain of plan A was too much to bear. Now, this is worse, and I cannot do anything. Even asking is trouble. I may have nailed my own coffin shut.

I do not know if my W would ever talk to a lawyer, but I think that is what I may do. We still go to MC, and he has offered to mediate a seperation agreement. The WW seems OK with that.

I guess the moral of my story to you is to try and continiously take the 'high' road, be the better person. In the end, I think, you will be a happier person.

Good luck.

cantthishelp-I am taking the high road. I have done IMHO a preety good Plan A for nearly 3 months. Although my wife has had no physcial contact with OM the talk daily during the week. I am sick of it. She is cake eating. I have the separation agreement ready but she is stalling for some reason. I want to get on with my life. I'm tired of limbo land.

She is ripping my heart out. I went home for lunch and more phone calls from OM. She didn't even have time to talk to me today as she was on the phone with her mother. We had such a good time this weekend camping and canoeing. No LB on my part trying hard to Plan A. My love bank is being depleted fast now. I want her to get off the fence and either come back into this marriage or go. The phone calls drive me nuts. Is it OK to express how hurtful these calls are? Is it alright to ask her to sign the separation papers so I will know where I stand? I know Plan A says to give without expecting anything back but I'm running on empty or close to it. I feel like crying.

Hi Hopeful,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I feel the same pain you feel. I love my husband more than anything but he is ripping my heart out. I am not sure how you can get her out of your house and to sign separation papers. At least with my husband I can have him removed because he has threatened me with physical violence. I am so afraid of being alone too. I will be in withdrawal from my husband too. I plan to make him leave this weekend if my kids are not home. I don't want them around the drama. They have seen too much already.

hopefull,

your situation and my are very simular. you are showing alot of strengh to WW.

plan B will be good for YOU. time to take care of yourself. you can't control these WS but you do have control over what happens to u.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> ...Orchid-how do I add the barbed wire you mentioned? I am going to push for separation much harder when young son leaves for college. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That higher fence and barbed wire c/b likened to your boundaries. Know what they are yet? The difference between the fence and the barbed wire c/b how you impose those boundaries. They are meant to protect you from the influences of the A. You don't want a WS crawling back to your home, right? Instead you want a spouse who you willingly let in the front gate. This person would respect (Radical Honesty) and in turn the POJA w/b in effect.

Don't let the WS back in. They have no respect for you or what is important to you.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid-I know my boundaries. The first and foremost is NC with OM for life. I can't and won't go through this again. Secondly-absolute honesty Thirdly-get a job-she is a CPA for heaven's sake. Fourth-be my partner stand up and be counted don't run around trying to please be my friend. Yes I know what they are. I will push for her to leave as soon as son leaves for college. I said she could stay till that happened.
She thinks she is supporting him but he is so angry with her that he stays gone most of the time. Until then I Plan A but Plan B is coming and she is in for a rude awakening. No support only from OM who is a controlling [censored].

Orchid-I know my boundaries. The first and foremost is NC with OM for life. I can't and won't go through this again. Secondly-absolute honesty Thirdly-get a job-she is a CPA for heaven's sake. Fourth-be my partner stand up and be counted don't run around trying to please be my friend. Yes I know what they are. I will push for her to leave as soon as son leaves for college. I said she could stay till that happened.
She thinks she is supporting him but he is so angry with her that he stays gone most of the time. Until then I Plan A but Plan B is coming and she is in for a rude awakening. No support only from OM who is a controlling [censored].

Orchid-I know my boundaries. The first is NC for life. Second total radical honesty. third get a job and help me with the financial mess were in.
I will push for separation when young son leaves for college in 1 1/2 weeks. I'm so tired of the disrespectful phone calls every day of the week except weekends. She will be all alone except for lover boy soon. I want to see if he can meet all her EN. I don't think the fantasy will be there halfway across the country for long. Maybe I'm wrong and he is her soulmate. Then good let me find the love that I deserve. I hate this-it tearing my heart out.

HINNC,

Not your boundaries for her, your boundaries for you. What are your boundaries for you?

For me it was NOT having the OW in MY LIFE. I couldn't control the WS and OW but I could control who I let affect my life.

OM makes contact with you as long as your W is in contact with him and she is allowed to be in the same house as you are. Her disrespectful judgements by taking calls, e-mails, whatever contact while in your home, vehicle, presence, etc. should not be tolerated.

For me even if that meant the WS sleeping out in his truck, that's what it meant. I could NOT tolerate the OW's contact with my spouse. Spouse was out as long as he was with the OW. Now isn't that what they wanted? Nope. Why? Because that left the OW with meeting ALL his needs.

Another point is to find out what ENs of hers you are meeting.

L.

Hi,

I find it is harder to get WS out of the house than I thought. It is not enough that my husband threatens to hit me. Apparently it has to be more. I am having somebody check to see how I can get him out of my house. It is so hard knowing husband is talking to OW. I am disconnecting emotionally in preparation for when I can get him out.

Genia,

You just have to call 911 when he is in one of his tirades.

My story: WS threw his lap top and smashed it sending pieces near my son's head and in every room in our home (hallway, kitchen, dining, bedrooms, bathroom, livingroom, etc.). He blamed me for it (oh yea, I told him I didn't want him taking his OW contact device, when I gave it to him, he threw it on the floor).

He also threw me on the floor. But it was not until I threw his clothes out on the front porch and lawn (the 4th time I kicked him out, that he called 911 himself to report me as a crazed woman. He was pushing me around the house with the phone in his hand trying to convince the dispatcher that I was crazy. Knowing this, I cried out 'stop shoving me....' The dispatcher heard and 4 patrol officers responded. The 1st 2 arrived just in time to see the WS push me into the house. Nothing broken, cut or bruised but it was enough for them to arrest him and they filed DV charges against him with an RO for 10 days.

To this day, he still says I was the crazed one. Oh yea, right. The officer told him to take anger management classes. Our son was at school so he didn't see the incident. I was crying when the officer handcuffed him. The WS was deranged and his eyes looked wild. This is not the quiet man I married. He was strange, totally possessed.

Just sharing my story in hopes it will help. You should not have to wait until your are injured or killed.

L.

Orchid-my boundaries are just like yours I cannot have the OM in my life. However given our situation, 28 yrs+ marriage and young son leaving for college, I will let her stay through the end of the month and Plan A even though my heart is breaking. I will give her that. But as soon as young son is gone I'm going to push for separation hopefully amicable but I will push harder if I have to. My IC says I need to use my head not my heart and I'm trying.