I AM 36 AND MY HUSBAND IS VERY JEALOUS. I HAVE NEVER GIVEN HIM REASON TO BE. IF ANYTHING, IN OUR EARLY YEARS HE WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO ME.

RECENTLY MY SISTER CALLED AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WORKED WITH A MALE THAT I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. WHEN I WROTE HER A LETTER I MENTIONED TO HER TO TELL THE PERSON THAT I SAID HELLO. ALSO I HADFOUND OUT FROM HER THAT SOMEONE THAT I HAD DATED IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS NOW IN A BAND WITH HIS WIFE, SO I LOOKED UP THEIR WEB SITE AND SIGNED THE GUESTBOOK. IN THE SAME LETTER I MENTIONED THIS.

I HAD THE LETTER IN MY PURSE TO MAIL TO HER AND MY HUSBAND READ IT AND CAME OUT TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE AND THREW IT DOWN AND SAID THAT HE WAS DONE WITH OUR MARRIAGE THAT IF I WANTED TO BE WITH OTHER MEN THEN TO GO....

I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS IRONIC BECAUSE JUST THE EVENING BEFORE A WOMAN WHO HE USED TO WORK WITH CALLED BECAUSE HER HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN, AND TALKED TO MY HUSBAND FOR AN HOUR. I HAD MET HER AT HIS OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY THE YEAR BEFORE AND WAS OPEN TO GETTING TO KNOW HER. BUT WHEN WE SAT AT OUR TABLE SHE CAME RUNNING TO OUR TABLE LEAVING HER HUSBAND TO FOLLOW, AND THEN WAS DISCUSSING HOW WONDERFUL MY HUSBAND WAS TO US (BOTH COUPLES) AND HOW HER HUSBAND NEVER BUYS HER CERTAIN THINGS. I WAS EMBARRASSED FOR HER HUSBAND AND REALIZED THAT SHE HAD SOME CRUSH ON MY HUSBAND. SHE ALSO WOULD BUY OUR KIDS GIFTS AND GIVE GIFTS TO MY HUSBAND WHEN SHE TRAVELS. I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS A BIT INAPPROPRIAT. IF THE REVERSE WAS GOING ON WITH ME, MY HUSBAND WOULD ACCUSE ME OF HAVING AN AFFAIR.

MY HUSBAND INSISTS ON GETTING TOGETHER WITH HER AND HER HUSBAND, I DO NOT LIKE TO BECAUSE IT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME AND HER HUSBAND.

HE SEEMS TO ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE A FEMALE FRIEND IN THE OFFICES HE WORKS WITH AND IN THE LAST OFFICE IT WAS SOMEONE WHO HAD HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER MARRIED CO-WORKER. HE WAS SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH HER THAT HIS MANAGER SAID THAT SHE WAS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME IN HIS OFFICE.

THERE IS NO DISCUSSING ANYTHING WITH MY HUSBAND. HE EXPLODES AND SWEARS AND CALLS ME (AND OUR CHILDREN) NAMES. HE IS "ALWAYS RIGHT". WE ARE EVEN IN COUNSELLING, BUT IT SEEMS THAT HE ACTS LIKE HE IS SAYING EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE OUR COUNSELLOR HAPPY. NOT TO MAKE CHANGES TO IMPROVE OUR MARRIAGE.

SINCE THE LETTER I CALLED HIM AT WORK AND LEFT HIM A MESSEGE THAT I WAS SORRY THAT I UPSET HIM. I ASSURED HIM THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE AND EVEN OFFERED TO SHOW HIM THE WEBSITE THAT I HAD SIGNED. HE HAS GIVEN ME THE COLD SHOULDER FOR TWO DAYS AND NOT SPOKEN TO ME SINCE HE FOUND THAT LETTER. I DON'T GET IT.

HE LOOKS AT PORNOGRAPHY AND E-MAILS PLENTY OF PEOPLE AND I AM SURE SOME OF THEM ARE FEMALES. HE DOESN'T TELL ME. I USUALLY FIND OUT ACCIDENTLY DURING CONVERSATIONS. I DON'T SEE HOW HE JUSTIFIES HIS DOUBLE STANDARD.

I AM TRYING TO BE A GOOD WIFE AND KEEP PUTTING HIS BREAKFAST ON THE TABLE, PACK HIS LUNCH ETC. AND TAKE CARE OF OUR FAMILY BUT WHEN HE TREATS ME DISRESPECTFULLY, TOTALLY IGNORNING ME...FOR NOTHING , I FEEL
LIKE A DOOR MAT.

HELP WHAT ELSE CAN I DO???
MAS

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

One thing is for certain your marriage is definately wide open for an affair to occur.

Husband is LBing you by his accusations and setting the double standard.

It seems his defense is his anger,,, you have probably brought things up in the marriage that he blew up at. Upon you seeing his anger did you drop the subject?
He will exploit whatever you let him,,, if he knows it will get you to drop the subject he is going to lash out at you and threaten divorce.
JMO

Masarizona,

I’m sorry you have to deal with your H’s selfish & childish behavior. Your H is practicing double standards and this is very selfish towards you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Personally I don’t believe in opposite sex friendships between married people where the person is not a friend of both the spouses and the marriage. It is the best for both spouses to avoid situations where an opposite friendship with someone outside the marriage can develop because this often lead to affairs and/or open the door for a possible afair... If you check my signature line you will see I was involved in an inappropriate opposite sex friendship, which develop to EA. This is the reason why I feel so strongly about this. Sometimes it take hard lessons to learn these things. Please read this good article and also give it to your H to read.

Blessings and good luck, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 04:09 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Just out of curiousity, has he ever physically abused you? I ask because he sounds SO much like my exH (who was insanely jealous for no reason and became physically abusive).

I remember one time we were in town (small town I grew up in), and a guy I had gone to elementary school with said hello to me. My exH's reaction--"Did you f*** him?" Of course, my ex wasn't too thrilled with my female friends either (and I'm getting off the subject here, so I'll stop). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, H has been physically violent. Only a few times in the past. But did get violent last year and spend time away.

I feel like H is only wanting me to be home waiting for him. He wants my life to revolve around him, for the most part I don't mind, But when he picks apart little things looking for something "wrong" I am doing- when there is nothing to find. It is exasperating.

H says that he just wants me to be happy.I feel that if H really wanted to be happy and understanding he would have a discussion about boundaries, in opposite sex relationships. When I did try to bring it up... He was defensive about his relationship with her. First he said that she called to invite me on a trip with her....then later when the subject was brought up...it wasn't true then he said that they were talking about work he said that he was making friends with this woman at work to try to get friends for our family???(we have three children, she is D.I.N.K. - double income no kids, we have nothing to talk about but her H and me sit around uncomfortable while she fawns over my H)

I feel like I get no where trying to talk to him. He thinks that my actions are so much worse than his. H keeps stating "do you see how what you did was wrong. Do you see the difference in how what your doing is wrong and what I am doing is ok?"

I explained that many A begin with co-workers (trying to hint that he is playing with fire) and he said that I would probably be doing that next.

I was hurt.


He said that it is out of his control that she calls here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like H is only wanting me to be home waiting for him. He wants my life to revolve around him, for the most part I don't mind, But when he picks apart little things looking for something "wrong" I am doing- when there is nothing to find. It is exasperating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, those words could have come from my mouth a few years ago. My exH was so much like yours, it's scary. I couldn't do anything that didn't include him (although that did get a little better towards the end of the marriage--of course by that time I had started fighting back too). I was expected to do everything for him (including "serving" his meals--even cutting meat, running bathwater, laying out clothes, etc.). He didn't want me to work because he was scared to death I might find someone else. I could go on and on...

After we separated, he said that he has been to counseling, was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, and was on medication (although it's anyone's guess how much of that is truth).

I truly think these men have serious psychological issues, and I doubt things will get better until proper help is sought.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, and I really don't know what advice I can give you except that he has to recognize the problem within himself, and seek help to change it. I also don't think that's going to happen as long as his behaviors are being reinforced.

I don't mean to sound so pessimistic (really I don't!), but that's JMO from my experience. I do understand how it feels to be in that type of relationship, and I wish you the best. If you'd like to talk privately about it anytime, my email is mbluvbird@hotmail.com .

MASArizona, I also have a H who went to M therapy to hear himself talk, agree with therapist, then go home and no changes resulted. He also believes he can have same-sex friends, whether business or social, apart from our mutual friends. Of course, I'm opposed to this. Both of you get defensive; you when he reads a letter you should have shared with him and him for secret phone calls/conversations...see if he will read MB website, I'm getting my H to, as well as M Coaching with Dr. Harley. Hope it works! We both have stuff to do, but it's a start. Good Luck.

Luvbird,

Thank you for sharing your e-mail. It is nice to have an ear and know that op have been in similar situations.

It is frustrating trying to rationalize and logic with some one who is probably "disturbed" (H). That is the most disturbing part of all of this is that things will probably not change. I have tried in the past to tell him that his behavior is controlling at times and he turns it around like I am imagining it and says "that is probably what you tell everyone" or "that is what you would like people to believe" Believe me I do not say much to too many people, especially since we live out of state from family and old friends. Do not get many opportunities to make new friends, and he does not like that I have any friends, and only likes me involved in school or church volunteer activities. He meanwhile goes to Las Vegas or back to hometown every six months to party, drink, and do drugs.

I have tried to leave in past but he is uncooperative in D proccess, after a year I filed an extension, but is over. We did during that time try to work things out and he would be "on good behavior" for awhile and I would think that things would be changing and then he would get disrespectful again. I gave up on D because H would drag things out for years(not controlling?) just to make life miserable. I did not want our children to have their childhood be remembered that way.

My goal is to hope that he sees the light one day and takes off his blinders. I have been just try to look on the bright side and be thankful that I have a roof over my head etc. And that I can take care of my children and not have to just have them some of the time.

I am just sad at times wondering what it would be like to be in a loving respectful relationship, and sad that I can't have that. I have certainly made my bed.

Thanks.

Well here it is....

though this site is marriage building....and very supportive in proactively addressing issues in a way that hopefully facilitate the re-birth and fixing of marriages....

sometimes that is not the route to focus on..

those time are especially poignant in cases of abuse..

emotional and physical...
and though we like to digress on the fogged up thought processes of the WS/potential WS/and sometimes just plain stubborness of a spouse...

we can be just as well served in looking at our fogged up thinking and actions...

you masa...have the ability to take control of your own destiny regardless of your husbands behavior and choices...
infact if marriagebuilders is built on any key foundations...I believe that is one of them...

that YOU regardless of your spouses ACTIONS hold great power and control of YOU....

you are losing sight of that....and the sooner you take the blinders off...the sooner you will get in control of what you can and MUST to make you and the children safe....

lets be as logical as we can...

there is NO such thing as a good father who physically handles the mother of his own children
there is NO such thing as a good father who verbally disrepects YOU and YOUR children....

so there is the reality....
and you can't make him change..
so you MUST change you.....

your children and you deserve to grow and thrive in home that is without chaos...
and it is your job to create that...

without him if necessary...

you need a plan with the resources and tools to extradite yourself and your children from his chaos...

you need to seek out the resources needed to build this plan...
you need the assistance of people who have done so and who can assist you in this...

you need to move slowly, carefully, and above all else safely....
but you must do this....

I can not imagine any other type of advice to offer....

how old are the children
how far are you removed from your family
what assistance did you use last year to seperate from him....

who in your circle of friends is aware of his abuse and can you seek confidence in one stable person who can assist you being safe...

can you talk to your priest/minister.
is your therapist aware of his history of violence

I did not want our children to have their childhood be remembered that way.

you must not choose the route you are on...
you children stand in danger of having a much worse childhood if YOU don't make changes....

each day that you flounder without a plan...
without small tiny goals that keep you focused on safety...
then you are making it harder to be safe...and sinking deeper in to believing that you somehow deserve to live like you do today...

already you rationalize that this is your bed..
yet no one would choose to live the way you are...

so don't you dare....

get grounded

feel like H is only wanting me to be home waiting for him. He wants my life to revolve around him, for the most part I don't mind, But when he picks apart little things looking for something "wrong" I am doing- when there is nothing to find. It is exasperating

this is a common technique of abusers...

1. isolate you from the real world
2. keep your self esteem down

H says that he just wants me to be happy.

your husband has no idea what being happy means or supporting a fellow human being in being happy...

your husband has no idea what love means...for there in none in any of his actions....

I would encourage you to make a plan
I would encourage you to move back to your family
I would encourage you to move yourself and your children to safety....

move slow...
be safe
get the resources..

do not power struggle with him
do not apologize for upsetting him when you have done nothing wrong...


shelter, abuse hotlines. get a mentor...
do it for you
do it for your children....

ask yourself would you want your daughter to live with a man like you do...
what would you tell her to do...


strength to you...

believe in you and nothing will stop you...

ARK

MAS,

I feel for you.

I have to admit I was prone to angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements of my WW over the last 2 years. I had called her names etc. I am embarrassed to admit it. For some reason I even thought I was justified in doing it, that she made me do it, because she wouldn't respond to me when we talked.

I am glad to say I've changed that. Maybe your husband has that same propensity.

While I don't approve of you H's behaivor, the friendship with co-worker, or angry outbursts. BUT >>> I also think you should be a little introspective of you behaivor as well.

RECENTLY MY SISTER CALLED AND TOLD ME THAT SHE WORKED WITH A MALE THAT I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. WHEN I WROTE HER A LETTER I MENTIONED TO HER TO TELL THE PERSON THAT I SAID HELLO. ALSO I HADFOUND OUT FROM HER THAT SOMEONE THAT I HAD DATED IN HIGH SCHOOL WAS NOW IN A BAND WITH HIS WIFE, SO I LOOKED UP THEIR WEB SITE AND SIGNED THE GUESTBOOK. IN THE SAME LETTER I MENTIONED THIS.

You say you've never given him reason to be jealous or suspicious of you. I will tell you that things you have described doing should make him suspicious. If you have been doing these types of things your whole marriage I can see why he may be insecure by your actions. Dismissing it with the "we're just friends" stuff is a bunch of hooey!

Perhaps you, subconsciously, have entertained the what might have been senario about your old BF. It looks like you are reaching out to me, maybe with the superficial intention of just being friends, but all BS on this board knows where that leads.

Your husbands behaivor is not right, but also look at yourself.

Good Luck

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

ark,

Thank-You for your advice. You are right. I do get those "empowered moments"...and for awhile will be moving along. But it seems I end up afraid of him or he will change for awhlie. It has been an ongoing 17 year roller coaster.

My children are 15, 11, & 10, my family lives 3,000 miles away. I did go to see my family once (2 years ago)with my children,(possibly to stay) and my H flew out to bring us home, and said that he would change. (didn't happen) Also after I did start D process he then said that he would not let me take the children out of state. The state doesn't allow it anyway. He has a College degree and I don't as I helped with his college. He controls all finances, and I have to use a credit card for purchases. No atm withdrawals. It has been hard to come up with a realistic plan.

Thank you for steering me in the right direction again.

Tom Joad,

I am not sure what "types of things" you are referring to. But when i asked my sister to tell some one hello it was certainly not with the hopes that something would start from it, as I would have done that reguardless of the persons sex. (M or F) As far as the old (20 y ago) bf goes I thought it was really neat that he AND HIS WIFE had been a success in their quest...I even showed my daughter the website. The guestbook was signed TO BOTH OF THEM. There was not a private entry to him only but an entry for the world to read.

Thank you for your insight. I do look at my actions constantly and try to "put the shoe on the other foot"

Good luck with the changes you are making.

his total control of finances is another huge red flag...

is it a debit card? can you get "cash back" with groceries...every tiny bit helps....

do you get cash for the kids things...

small slow growth....

is your family willing to help with the money issue...

can you get a job with the kids being a little older...

I am very very serious about you making a plan and getting a mentor...
your and your childrens lives really do depend on it....

i don't play the abuse card lightly....
but the warning flags are all over your posts...

again is your counselor aware that you have no access to free cash
that there is a history of abuse...

can you play in to his thinking that it is all "you"
do you see how what you did was wrong. Do you see the difference in how what your doing is wrong and what I am doing is ok?"

and see if the counselor would say they need to see you alone...

and let the counselor know the real truth of all of this....

is there spyware on your computer?
please clear your histories....

be safe.....

ark

Ark,

My kids are old enought for me to work. I did get part time job, made H angry. He feels that he should be involved in my job selection process.
if I get a job he wants to know why/ what for as what I earned part time in two weeks was less than what he earned in 1 day., Also if I get a job then he will not give me grocery $$ etc., or $$ for kids as I can use my own.

He doesn't see the logic in me working. I am thinking about just getting a degree... and like you said...take things slow. Set myself up for a future that I don't need any resources from him at all.

I am not sure, as a few years ago when our youngest started school full time, I signed up for a class he was outraged that I did not discuss with him what kind of class I was taking( cost was not an issue)...he said "I have been to college and could have told you what class you should take" (I was taking a philosophy class from the community college because it interested me) I think i just stared at him...as I could not even begin to understand his logic... He has a computer degree I had always wanted to take philosophy....I just do not understand what kind of thought process he has going on in his head.

His rationalization is not something that I can comprehend. And I had talked to him previously mentioning that I was interested in taking a class and he just seemed to brush it off like it was no big deal, to go for it.

This has been the most frustrating thing for me. Most people you can talk to, even disaagree with, but still understand where the other person is coming from. H & I do not understand each others thinking at all!

As for spyware. he knows my password for my e-mail. I have nothing to hide. He even was questioning me after reading my e-mail last week that I wrote to my mom. He reguarly goes through cookies also....

I am just wondering how when a man who has snuck around, acts disrespectful and breaks the rules, feels the need to be so revered and yet so accusational. ?????

Why do I feel like he is looking for something to pin on me....??????

Why can't he just be thankful for his family and life and want it to be the best it can be???

Why does a man want to play games...to see what he can get away with...while keeping some one at home at arms length to do his bidding...???

Why do people want these kinds of relationships???

Why would a man want to stay in a relationship with his wife if he feels like he is just waiting for her to do wrong?

Yes, I have had friends that have said that he is controlling, my mom mailed something out of Dear Abby ( after he smashed our dog on the flagstone a few years ago, when she jumped up and knocked pizza leftovers on the floor- $3,000 worth of reconstructive surgery...me and the kids did not know what had happened right away...he told us two weeks later,)About it...but he always twists things around when i mention that he needs to speak to some one... about his drinking or whatever.

The counselor has spoken to him briefly that he consider the idea that he may have a drinking problem. He gets angry and wants to know why he is being picked on. So the next week we go to the counselor and he starts right away about "telling on me" for making a comment during the week, after butting into a bad conversation he was having with our teenage daughter( using the F word with her, telling her she is stupid.).. basically not giving a chance to have the conversation resume where it had been previously...so because he has been travelling frequently for work, we have not been back for about a month....

almost feel like it is a waste of time anymore anyway because I still feel like it is just a big game to him...(as I mentioned in earlier post)

I do try to read self help books and keep my focus forward, and not like I am treading water. it is hard. I want to be in love with him, but as we grow older...it has come increasingly difficult...I kept hoping he would grow up, or grow out of some behaviors and activities.

I have been considering going to my own counselling.

As for spyware. he knows my password for my e-mail. I have nothing to hide. He even was questioning me after reading my e-mail last week that I wrote to my mom. He reguarly goes through cookies also....

I am worried about him finding 'these" posts..nothing wrong here...but I doubt he would appreciate your side of any story...and worry about his reaction....

for making a comment during the week, after butting into a bad conversation he was having with our teenage daughter( using the F word with her, telling her she is stupid.)..

did your counselor stop the powerstruggle right there and address with him without question the innapropriateness of telling a child she is stupid...and USING the f-word..

you know I get that teenage girls often are dumb and stupid...I used to be one...I can give testimony...BUT the f-word...the yelling...the CHAOS

none of that has to be...

I don't know..

I think you really should get a mentor and resources...
I don't think there is any other way but to view some of his behaviors as highly suspicious....
as a classic abuser..

divide and conquer
isolate you
diminish your self esteem
control with money...

but mesa the flip side is that no one can control you without you giving some consent..
and no one can physically harm you more than once unless you put yourself near enough...

and I don't mean that as blame,,,I mean it as you do have power and control over you...

be wary of the excuses you will create...and then find you and the children in the same spot..

month after month
year after year....

and the awful childhood you want to avoid by seperating or divorcing.....will have occured even more damaging under verbal and emotional and periods of physical abuse.....

time moves quickly....

get information
get resources

can you talk to your church leader/leaders....

please be safe....

ark