Well what can i say, the first weekend in july, my H's is telling me he's not going to do anything until i'm ready and now he's telling me that he has to get a divorce, that he "just has to."

i was supposed to call him at 3pm today and he ended up calling me before that. well we talked about the taxes again. worked that out. i told him i was coming down and when, why, etc. and it was all fine and good. then he starts talking about us.

i really tried to kind of get out of the talk but couldn't i just kept maintaining that i'm struggling, doing the best i can. there were a lot of times that i didn't say anything or i just said i didn't know what to say. he said that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that he can't go back, that we have to move on, that i have to let him go, that he doesn't feel that way anymore, that he gave me years and so many times where he told me he loved me and tried to do things in hopes that i would show the same back, that he feels that now that i realized i've lost him that i want him back. that he can't go back, that i've lost a lot of weight, i'm a successful nurse, that i have lots of opportunities, but he can't keep doing this, that' this has gone on for 1/2 a year already and wants to do this together, that he wants to do this w/me and wants to remain friends, that's he doing his best just to be happy and that he doesn't want to go back, he can't, he can't.

he asked if i was even willing to discuss D, that he didn't want to do things behind my back, that i'm the only one who is holding on and believes that things can be different but he has to get the process started, he just has to and has forgiven me for all i've done. that he knows that i regret everything, he sees it each time he sees me.

so i pull out my notebook from my sessions w/SH and just pour the stuff on when and where i could. i did not push things, mind you but he wasn't getting off the phone or ending the conversation.

i said things like, the future is going to be different than the past no matter what happens, that i don't want to go back, that i want to move forward w/him, i was truly sorry for the way things were, that i want to work on things together that we would make a good team, that i wasn't asking for a commitment just an exploration of the possibility and the possibilities do exist, that i know he doesn't love me and that's a problem, he didn't love me before he met me and that those feeling developed over time, i'm not in a position where i'm ready for that, i can't in good conscience walk away from something that i know can be better, we have the ability to have a great future together, i know we could be happy together, the way i believed before is not the way i believe now, of course he believes the way he does-that make's sence but i'm struggling because i have looked at the possbilities. just said i didn't know what to say a lot and i'm just doing the best i can and things were still fresh for me.

i said feelings can change but they can change again, he asked what i meant, and i just said that because i knew how he once felt about me and how we felt about each other and now the way that he feels about me has changed. because i want him back because of what i know now and i think we can have the M that we started out to have.

He had to go because of work but just re-iterated that he had to do this, he had to, he just had to do this.

i thought it wouldn't come to this "so fast" of course i'm questionning whether i should even go down to florida now. it was really to go down there to cause pressure between him and the OW but now i'm afraid to go because he will have me served while i'm down there. of course i wonder just when he was going to tell me this stuff. did he only tell it to me because i said i was coming down there? i just don't know anymore. i mean i've expected this so i can't really say it's a surprise but it is.

i guess i need to get on the phone to some FL lawyers and see what my options are. i'll probably post that separately to get more info. but why does he just have to be so adiment (sp?) that his is what he has to do? of course that's a rhetorical question, i know what the answers are. OW is putting pressure on him, he's trying to make himself feel better, and i do think things are getting to him (his choice though). he did slip up a few times and start to say things and then he changed his words, i caught him on each time, he said that he was afraid and then changed the word, he said something esle but i can't remember.

well i have to go, thanks goodness tomorrow is another day, continued prayers needed, RR

Sh*t, RR, I'm sorry this conversation went the way it did. Are you hanging in okay?

(((((((((((((roughroad)))))))))))))

GC

{{{{{{{{RR}}}}}}}

Just hang in there, don't let anything slip out. If he doesn't want to hurt you anymore, then stop talking these nonsense.

Personally I think this may not be as grim as it first appears. I think his visit to you is shaking his resolve. He doesn't like his conscience bothering him...so he is sticking with his Divorce mantra.

When you are more clear try to write down what he said so you can discuss it with Harely. The way you have acted, the things you say are starting to reach the man he once was. I think fear and guilt perpetuated this conversation. It is always hard for the WS to face the error of their ways. Before he could assuage his guilt with his unhappiness in the marriage...now it is he who is the problem, and it bothers him.

I do believe he wants the divorce but only as an escape from himself and what he has done to the marriage. It will never lead to happiness.

Thinking of you,


ayslyne

OF COURSE he HAS to.

Otherwise, he would have to admit a mistake.

My WS claimed she HAD to leave me - because it was my decision NOT to leave her.

Geosynchronous orbit, the Mothership, right over your head.

WAT

GC, LNH, Ayslyne, WAT

thank you for replying, i know the things you say in my head and i believe them it's just harder to take some times then others. i guess i need to try harder to get off the phone w/him. but after i told him about the trip there was just a pause and i was about to say okay well i'll talk to you later and then he started to say something. of course i always think that maybe it might be something good. he just said "have you accepted i'm not coming up there?" i just don't understand why he said that if i told him i was coming down there to separate our things. that's basically what i said. i didn't answer his question direction just said that i was coming down there to separate things. then that's when he started, says "you have to let me go baby" i said i don't have you. he says he knows it's hard for me, he knows but.....well you know the rest of the conversation.

i reread lostva's story a few days ago and i guess i'm just thinking of my situation like that right now. how her H was so bound and determined that he would never come back, that they were done, etc. i did say i love you when we were hanging up but i don't know if he heard it or not. i haven't said that to him since march. i think i wrote it in a letter i sent to him for our anniversary in june but that's it.

i really think that the OW is starting to pressure him because i think he could have gone on w/this (not filing) longer. but as SH said the OW is seeing a MM and she knows that. i do have a session w/SH on tuesday and of course will talk about all this w/him. i don't think going to FL is such a good idea anymore. but i'm still questionning everything i do and things i had planned. i really need some new material too in order to speak to the issues my H brought up. i REALLY don't think he'll ever talk to SH again. i was actually going to ask him to talk to SH in october but since this last conversation i just can't see that happening. SH said that now was not the time to be agressive but due to the conversation w/my H i'm not sure anymore. he said once it got to the D (if in fact it did) then that's the time to be agressive.

i don't know, i just don't feel like i really know my options. i know i can't stop a D once he files because FL is a no-fault state but i don't know the in's and out's of everything else. i'll get on the phone next week and start calling lawyers, that's the only thing i can do so i don't live in FL. hopefully they can give me enough information over the phone (free counsult) to help me decide who to chose and what to do.

i'm sorry guys that i'm being so down, i really do know that there are people going through times just as hard as i am or even worse but you know how it goes, you are the only one experiencing it when it's happening to you.

continued prayers appreciated, RR

it's not much but i just remembered something else i said. when he was saying i was successful and had so many opportunities, i said that was a great deal due to him and that i got where i am now at a great expense and it wasn't worth it. that he had a lot of opportunities too and i wanted to be a part of that.

just wanted to leave you a ((hug)), RR. I hope this is not what it seems and this is just a bump ni the road for you.

thanks maddy, it is a bump in the road but i just have to keep going and by God's grace and will.

^ for heroswife

Dear RR,

I was just wondering if you ever considered moving back to FLA-to be with your husband?

I know that was not your plan and you have your dream job...but so what?

Just wondering if it was ever a consideration?


Best Wishes,


ayslyne

ayslne, no i won't move back to florida, there's nothing there for me. we were only there because i was stationed there when i was active duty. i don't have my dream job. when i say i have a good job i mean i make good money and it's low stress. if you knew the amount of bills we had you would know why i have to keep my job and my H makes maybe 15K a year.

if i had ever thought that quitting my job and moving to florida would have helped even the slightest i would have moved back months ago. just received letter from H yesterday that i will post about separately but he's not even going to talk to me anymore and doesn't want me to seek him out so what would be the point in moving back and just subjecting myself to heartache?