WH just called...

He's at his apartment, drinking heavily.

Telling me how sorry he was for all the pain he's put me through, all the times he hurt me, all the lies, all the cheating. He was sobbing, saying he's hurting everyone... OW, me, and himself.

Continuously telling me how much he loves me. That he broke it off with OW for me.

He said that he was at OW house when I called her last night. That was his voice I heard. He said he went there to break it off with her. But me calling there just forced him to do it before he had worked up to it.

But he keeps saying, if this doesn't work out...
will I hate him. No, I could never hate him.

I kept telling him he needs to make a decision, and commit to it.

He says OW told him that she loves him enough to let him go. I told him I feel the same.. I don't want him if he isn't going to try to work on our M. But does he think he would feel any better if he went with her instead of me?

I am so confused. Daughter says she has no respect for him. He's a liar. Says that son also feels the same way.

Our whole family needs counseling over this. I don't think WH realizes what he stands to lose if he divorces me.

But can this work out? What will happen to our family? I love my children, I love my husband. I don't want my children to lose respect for me, but I guess I just want to try to work it out.

This man is the love of my life. It has never diminished... even through all of this.

I know, I'm rambling on. I guess I really do need to see a councelor for this.

I feel like I'm lost at sea, and just washed up on the shore. Don't know which direction to go.

My H said those exact same words. He said that OW loves him enough to let him go and work on his marriage. Bullcrap!!!!!!!! That's their way of trying to show them how great they are!!! I feel the same way you do. I love my H and have a son who adores him also. It's so painful and I feel for you. Hang in there.

Both children have called me tonight.

They both tell me the same thing. They have no respect left for their father, and don't want any thing to do with him.

They say he is stil being a liar.

I don't want to lose their respect either. I don't want to lose my self respect.

I told them that I feel like I need to give this a little more time.

I don't want them to hate their father. We have always been very close with our children.

What's your take on this????

First off, this could all be booze talk that he will forget tomorrow, so be prepared for some backsliding.


When he does get serious, I think you should ignore your children for now and work on your marriage. They are rightfully angry at how horribly he has treated you and that is understandable, but you can't base your future on their anger.

If he is serious, he needs to send her a no contact letter and open up his life to you. He will have to work hard to regain your trust. AND, he can't work with the OW AGAIN. How will he handle that?

I wouldn't let him back until he writes the letter - WITH YOU - and makes arrangements to NEVER see the OW again.

What will he do to repair the damage he caused in your marriage?

Don't get your hopes up, K, ok? This may be the beginning of the end, but I doubt it is the end. It never ends that cleanly.

Thanks Mel

I agree with you.

How and when does one approach the WS with the NC letter idea?

I can see where you are coming from with the no contact. Period. I know in my heart that he will probably contact her again, soon.

I know this could be the beginning of the end. I am preparing myself for this.

Daughter reminded me tonight that I've always told her "there are worse things than being alone". She said she lives by those words. I guess I need to put my money where my mouth is.

Set a time goal, see how it goes, and if he can't commit to me, then call it over.

Does this sound reasonable?

K,

PLEASE don't give him a time limit. They view it as permission to continue the affair for that time period. It never works.

I would just play it by ear for now, stay in Plan A and EXPOSE this affair at work. Make it difficult and embarrassing. I would consider typing up a nice letter to HR and ccing the OW and your H. Send her a copy. Let her live with the exposure. That will brighten up her world and make things difficult! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If he still is talking about coming back tomorrow, tell him you can consider it he agrees to end contact completely and sends the OW a NC letter. I am wagering that he will balk at that because I don't think he is ready yet.

Nothing has really changed here at all, K. So far your H is just a lot of talk. When you start seeing some action is when it will be time to take him seriously.

Thanks Mel

I think this is good advice.

No, I'm not counting my chickens. I just want to see where the next few weeks take us.

WH used to be a man of integrity, honesty. What has happened to him? I miss that man terribly.

I know he's in there somewhere. Guess I have to give it one more go.

I will take your advice. I can see more clearly now. I do have worth, and I do have some self respect. And I love him enough to let him go.

Thanks, again.

Melody,

Sweetie , you are always on the mark. It's obvious that your experience in " breakthroughs" is tempered by your experience and by what you tell everyone. Forget the WS 's words, concentrate on the action!

Thanks Cymanca <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K, you are very right, you do have worth and I am betting things will turn out alright. He will come back to his senses. Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear K,

Your character of trying to avoid criticizing H in front of the kids impressed me. It seems you are at a difficult time. I wish I had something wise to add to the advice from others. I will give you a supportive, ethereal hug, and wish you the continued clear judgement that you seem to be exercizing.

Perhaps the perspective could be shifted. Rather than wondering what to say, if you are right, you might consider letting H wonder. I think you know what is right, and you are doing what is right. H is the one who should be wondering, not you.

Blessings

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>

WH has been home since yesterday evening.

He seems not so down, more talkative, and affectionate.

I don't know whether to think that he's really trying to make it up to me, or if he has been in contact with OW.

My gut feeling is that he is acting the same way that he acted everytime after he called her while he was home.

What do I trust? My gut feeling? Or should I ask him if he has been in contact with OW?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by k72172:

What do I trust? My gut feeling? Or should I ask him if he has been in contact with OW?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust yourself to maintain your own balance no matter what happends.

If someone has borrowed money from you in the past and never repaid ... and they ask you for another loan .... do you give the new loan to them?

Only if getting the new loan repaid does not matter to you.

So ... I recommend you trust your ability to gauge what you can and cannot assume as a personal loss and you make judgement calls based on that.

It's a sort of risk-benifit approach.

Also, there is nothing wrong with "watchful waiting" as you gather data to make a decision. This is best done with your eyes and ears .... and NOT with your mouth! Be alert and quiet.

Pep

I certainly agree that you can't trust his words while drunk. His getting drunk does show his guilt has been getting to him. He is home but you can't trust anything right now.

We had a false recovery after my FWH had been living in an apartment. It took him to totally live with her full time for him to end it once and for all.

You will need to see all the right actions and feel it in your gut when it's for real...and even then you can't really let your guard down completely. Harley says we should never trust our spouses 100%. Time will tell how he'll do with NC.
I doubt it's really over yet....trust your gut.

I think you will know when you really have your H back. You to have see real remorse and repentance.

My kids lost quite a bit of respect for their Dad but have pretty much regained it. They will never again believe he is a man of pure character and integrity as they did when they were little...pre all A's. But, they love their Dad again.

I, also struggled with my kids respecting my decision to continually forgive his relapses and failures...I believe they understand my motives to keep our family intact. I think there may be some respect in there for that. But, I also think they may think I've been weak in reconciling. Overall, I pretty much think they are happy that we are still together. There are no guarantees, but recovery is going great for now.

This whole process has taken its toll on years spent on trying to save the marrige. It took much longer than I would have liked.

I hope this works for you, it sounds promising. You seem to have a realistic attitude right now and that is safest for you.