</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm thinking that maybe this is God saying "wait a while longer...it can take 2 years or more for the A to blow over...I'm giving you a chance to call it off before he gets his papers."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With this reasoning you could make ANY decision...good or bad...to be a message from God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't want to be sarcastic ll. I really don't.

I am wondering what trips you up though.

Do you WANT to be married to a raging alcoholic??

Do you WANT to be married to a meth head??

Do you WANT to be married to a person that takes you to Paris as a punishment to his "chippy"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What are you...the consolation prize? When he doesn't get to push around the "chippy" he always has good ole ll to fall back on?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Do you WANT to be married to a man who keeps your DD supplied with smokes...and you best be praying that he doesn't introduce her to meth... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

God, just typing that filled me with rage...can you tell?

He will be her supplier. Do you WANT that??

You WANT it in your home??? You want to lose EVERYTHING when he gets busted??

TREATMENT..TREATMENT...TREATMENT...

If you love him...love him...but love him enough to let him go. Free him to seek help on his own. You CANNOT help him at this point. He is not going to get help til he bottoms out and loses everything...I just don't want everything to include what YOU have. Do you??

JMHO
committed

LL, the others are right, let him go. Quit making excuses to linger on, it will only endanger you and the kids.

My brain gets twisted, and I need others to help me keep things straight--others with more solid emotions than I have right now. That's where you all come in.

I thank all of you for your responses. I read them. I welcome even 2x4's. I will not take offense. I asked for the help because I know I need it.

I just told my other pastor (the one who has been on vacation for 2 weeks) that I filed. I'm telling him, in tears, that I feel like I've let so many people down...that maybe I should have hung on and waited longer...etc.

He told me, "You are in the clear on this one. Don't go beating yourself up over it now."

He knows me well. He knows that's what I do. Why...you're all going to tell me...because I'm an enabler.

(Al-Anon is coming again. Will probably start back to the Sunday meetings in a couple weeks. Summer is nearly over. Taking DS off to college next weekend. Lots to get together this week for the attorney, and I might take DD and friends to our state fair today--because, of course, the IOWA STATE FAIR is the best, because it's even the one the musical was about!)

I do wish my feelings for WH were dead. It would make this so much easier and clearer, but I doubt they ever will be. I even feel sorry (and have offered advice thru WH), on occasion for the OW because she's young and her life is so messed up. I can't think of anyone I truly hate, and especially not someone who has been the most important person in my life for over half of it.

So I second guess myself. I beat myself up for not waiting for him to file, especially after our visit last night when he told me it wasn't what he wanted. I feel like I'm jumping the gun...not trusting God to keep me safe.

And yes, while I don't believe God is dropping huge signs to everyone all the time for all their decisions, I am wacky enough that sometimes when things coincidentally happen, I start to wonder if they're supposed to be telling me something.

Thanks again, all of you, for taking the time to once again redirect my screwed-up thoughts.

LL

LL -

I know that you love this guy, it has been clear on all of your threads. But he is not available right now, not to you, not to DD, not to DS, not to OW or her children, and probably has never been since he was a child.

This is not your fault, not his fault, it's nobody's fault. He has a disease, it's called alcoholism, so do you, and so do your children. That's what alcoholism does it destroys families. (insert drug addiction too)

You need treatment as much as he does. I am so glad you say you are going back to al-anon.

This is my honest to God best advice I can give having lived with an alcoholic and watching my mothers life be destroyed by it as well as my dad's. Let him fall now, without you. Tell him that if he ever seeks treatment and comes clean for real, you will be his friend. But until then you can not have any contact with him, because you need to get well, and you can't do that while remaining in contact with him.

LL, my heart hurts for you because I know that you don't want to let him go, and because of all the pain you have endured from this affair. I wish I had some magic to give you, or something, anything to help your pain.

He can't love you in any real sense of the word until he seeks treatment, and you can't help him until you seek treatment and are free from this disease.

You are in my thoughts as well as in the thoughts of many people here.

Weaver

Well, WH was finally served with DV papers this afternoon (very slow process server...too bad they don't give a discount for being late).

I'm doing okay at this moment--not happy, not sad--just rather resigned.

I feel like I've let so many people down with my decision to file so early in this process...you all on this board, my family, his family, the kids, on and on...

And WH and I had a long conversation on the phone this afternoon after the papers were delivered to him. He wants to resolve as much between us as we can and doesn't want to get an attorney if he doesn't have to. I have no intentions of purposely screwing him but if I were in his situation, I'd want my own attorney just in case.

But I'm not going to argue with him. It'll keep costs down and perhaps make the process go smoother if he doesn't have one.

It's just sort of sad that we talked probably 45 minutes today and got along better than we have in weeks, if not months, and we were discussing the end of our M and who wants what when all is divided up.

LL

I am also in the process of divorce. We can keep each other company...read my last chapter story...it is getting long. I wonder how long that thread is going to get before i reach the end of it.

I truly know what you are feeling like now. Not wanting the divorce yet at the same having no choice about it.

I have decided from this week onwards i am going back to a semi plan B...no more talking to WS if i can avoid it. I tried not to let my emotions get to me whenever he tells me stuff about his current life but i still get upset about some things. Therefore i feel the less i know about his life the better i feel. Maybe you should do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL,

Any chance his calm, cool, indifferent demeanor is his current manipulation attempt to make you feel guilty and second-guess youself?

Is his next angry, outrageous outburst just around the corner when he sees his tactics aren't working?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
<strong> ....And WH and I had a long conversation on the phone this afternoon after the papers were delivered to him. He wants to resolve as much between us as we can and doesn't want to get an attorney if he doesn't have to. I have no intentions of purposely screwing him but if I were in his situation, I'd want my own attorney just in case.

But I'm not going to argue with him. It'll keep costs down and perhaps make the process go smoother if he doesn't have one.

It's just sort of sad that we talked probably 45 minutes today and got along better than we have in weeks, if not months, and we were discussing the end of our M and who wants what when all is divided up.

LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LL,
Gonna give you my 2 cents but it may not be the MB way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for retaining an attorney, you should. Also you should make sure you get everything and then some of what your family is entitled to. In other words, if he offers more in one area than another (CS vs alimony), make sure both areas are at minimum the correct amount, no less.

Why? Because financially draining the A is a valuable key to running the A out of town. $$ drives most of the A's. This one seems to be of no exception.

2ndly, don't disclose additional info or make concessions (WS gives $$ in return for bringing OW into the business, etc.) Make sure your children's future (college, inheritance, etc.) is secured.

This part w/b a fight. You don't have to make it sound like one. Let the lawyers do that for you. He may get very frustrated. Communication seems to be one of his problem areas. It will show up and if he gets angry at the lawyer, judge and others, it will make his problem more evident. You need to stay clean in this area.

This way, if he does have a big change of heart, you will not look like the culprit but be able to welcome him back 'if' he proves worth and does show he has family values to bring to his family. Of course the above is JMHO.

take care,
L.

Zizzy,

I haven't had much reading time in the last few days. I'll try and catch up on your thread, too. It's too bad we're at this point, but I agree it's good to have support from others in the same boat.

Jilliana,

He could be playing games, but I actually don't hear it this time. He's not once asked if this is what I really want or anything. He seems to be set on making things go smoothly so that they're over quickly. The only thing he's angry about right now is that our pre-trial hearing is set for Dec 3, which is during the period that he and OW will be in Paris, so that will have to be reset.

Orchid,

It stinks that Iowa is a no-fault state, at least in this situation. I do have a good attorney. It's my WH who hasn't gotten one yet. I'm fine if he doesn't. Makes things easier and cheaper.

There is no inheritance per-se. Just have the house.

The retirement funds are all in my name, but have all come about since our M, so he is by law entitled to half. It is quite a healthy sum.

There is very little else to separate of value. The only other major thing is the equity we have in the house. Again, legally he is entitled to half of all the assets and half of all the debts. (Net effect, looks like I could owe him quite a chunk of change from this as well. I'll have to refinance the house and the payments will go way up, because along with adding extra principal to the loan, rates are also higher than our present 5.75%.)

So, he will come out smelling like a rose in this deal. I'm trying to get along REALLY well with him because right now he's considering being willing to work with me on the equity split from the house if I don't make the process ugly. The judge will usually agree on what the two parties decide, as long as it's not totally ridiculous.

And as for child support--he will be paying the full amount for 1 child. The other, being an adult, is a different situation. He will have to help with college payments, but so will I.

Alimony is non-existant in my case. I make more than WH does and in Iowa, it's almost impossible to get even if you are a stay-at-home mom unless you're home because your husband wanted you to be.

So I won't be doing too much toward sucking the $ out of the A...unfortunately. He'll just have to do that himself with his extravagant spending on a woman who doesn't currently have a job.

LL

"Well, WH was finally served with DV papers this afternoon (very slow process server...too bad they don't give a discount for being late).

I'm doing okay at this moment--not happy, not sad--just rather resigned.

I feel like I've let so many people down with my decision to file so early in this process...you all on this board, my family, his family, the kids, on and on...

And WH and I had a long conversation on the phone this afternoon after the papers were delivered to him. He wants to resolve as much between us as we can and doesn't want to get an attorney if he doesn't have to. I have no intentions of purposely screwing him but if I were in his situation, I'd want my own attorney just in case.

But I'm not going to argue with him. It'll keep costs down and perhaps make the process go smoother if he doesn't have one.

It's just sort of sad that we talked probably 45 minutes today and got along better than we have in weeks, if not months, and we were discussing the end of our M and who wants what when all is divided up."


Hey LL, i'm just now coming on this after the D was decided. i don't think you are doing this so "early" as you stated above. you have done what you can for as long as you can and sometimes that's just the way we have to look at it. It is sad w/your conversation but what else can you do? it breaks my heart the last few times that my H said that he liked the conversations we were having (since dday) because we hadn't been able to talk like that in years. it is sad because that's not the way it should have been.

Orchid seems right on w/her advice and i know you don't think about the $$ as far as your situation but you never know. i'm not really able to keep up w/the forums anymore but just wanted to reassure you that people are still praying for you and thinking of you everyday and that w/God all things are possible. God Bless, RR

Be sure that you and your attorney cover the expensive contingency of treatment for your daughter - as he has encouraged her addictive behaviors he needs to take financial responsibility for her recovery.

We will need to hash out the medical expense coverage for DD as a part of the whole settlement. Temporarily we're just splitting the major bills 50/50 and I'm not worrying about the little things--too much hassle.
-------------------------------------------------

Latest from WH: Called to give me the dates of his Paris trip (I need them in order to have the attorney reschedule the pre-trial hearing in December).

So then he says, "This is going all the way, isn't it..." (or something like that.)

I admit, it sort of shocked me that he even asked that. I really did think he was okay with it all. Maybe he's not. He tried to explain to me that Paris isn't meant to be this "romantic" trip, but is just a once-in-a-lifetime trip he wants to take.

I told him, it's not a problem so much that he's going but that he's going with her--that it should have been something he and I did as a couple when we were together, but that it is irrelevant right now.

Then I said (as well as I can remember this):

"WH, this rests in your hands. I've told you before, OW has to go..be done...finished...never spoken to again, you have to get help for your drinking...no more, and the drugs have to go, too. It's up to you. I love you too much to continue to watch you destroy your life."

So...did I make it clear enough? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Is there anything else I should do, or can I rest assured that I have, as RR just said, done all I can for as long as I could do it?

LL

i don't really think you could have made it any clearer then you did and think the harley's would be proud of what you said and once more people read what you said they will agree as well.

the thing about it is, LL, you are doing what you can now, but it's really not to say it's over. we all know that the WS is going to wake up some day. of course we would like for it to be sooner rather than later and definitely in this life versus the next when they stand before the Lord. but you've heard it before that just because the D goes through doesn't mean it's over and that there's no hope. with God everything is possible and there are plenty of stories out there about people who turned around even after D. so i think if you still have hope after the D it's still okay to have it as long as you want it unless the adulterers get married.

just keep saying what you told your H over and over in your head and let that be your response to him (in one form or another) until he does the things that you have asked. many of us are praying you through this and you can do it, look at what you've done already! God Bless, RR