The last 48 hours have been good for me but confusing as for my marriage.

Tuesday night I really spent time with my kids, went for ice cream, played badmitton at my in-laws with MIL and the kids. I had a great time and was so relaxed. That really carried over to my meetting with my psych. While I was at my DR we had an indepth talk that really opneded my eyes and made some of my stuff very clear. I was able to share them with my WH last night - we talked for several hours. And now I am a little confused.

He commented on how much I had changed in a very short time. FOr me - it is really about letting gp of control - I can't control him and his decisions - I can control mine though. I guess that's what it comes down to - MY choices. I can choose to let this all devestate me - or I can choose to move through this and reach the other side in a much better place emotionally.

He sahred last night - that up until last night - he had decided to live on his own - now he is not sure. He needs some time to sort this all out - wants to make sure his decision is honest - so he wouldn't talk about that last night. Wanted to search his heart well. he said he would be disingenuine if he said everything was wonderful and he'd let OW know when she got back form cruise on Saturday. But ti has openend his eyes. He sees me very differently now.

We had a great talk - I don't think I have ever felt so relaxed. I just sat on the patio bymyself for an hour last nght - in silence. I never do that - I HATE silence. I have never felt comfortable with it - always felt I needed to fill it with chatter, or music. But last night I relished it.

He and I laughd - flirted even and then he kissed me and just held me. And it felt so good for both of us - he commented on how different it is to hug me when my walls are down.

So this morning, I am in a different place emotionally - not quite as relaxed - and that's just becasue I wake up disoriented - always have. Mornings are not my thing - my DH on the other hand - he is a morning person.

SO I am sitting here - he is reading upstairs in his study. And it is quiet in this house for once in a long time.

He will let m eknow this weekend what his decsion will be -

I love him so much and have forgiven him in my heart - somethign I haven't been able to let go of. Wanted to be the victim - wanted to feel pain for what he did - not anymore - I am at peace with in myself.

Sounds very good to me. We do not have control over anyone but ourselves. That is why Starfish always says "When you come here, don't expect change, but to be changed", or something like that.

So relax a little, and don't worry what his decision is. Just keep on working on you.