I am struggling with this issue. H and I are in MC. We have discussed some of the things H has done.

I feel I have forgiven H for hurtful things prior to our separation. When he said he had changed that it took the separation and almost D to change him. That he was changing whether if was to be with me or someone else..

Anyway, I find myself having a hard time forgiving some of the the hurts since we have reconciled. The big ones that he "swore" would never happen. I need to let go, but when some of the things are repeated it is so hard.

I find that when he does something, the memories of years past come flooding in. I feel like I have forgiven him for the past, but how do I stop the "flashbacks" when it happens again??

Sohard, I’m a FWW and will therefore not be able to understand what you’re exactly going through as a BS, but I do know that forgiveness is a process and something that doesn’t happen overnight… Please read this thread on forgiveness I’ve posted a few months ago. Many BS’s have also posted to this thread and I’m sure you will also gain some self-understanding from it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks for your reply Suzett..

I am the FWW, the behaviors of my H are what MC has called emotional and verbal abuse. He is trying although change is hard. I am just trying to make it through and understand the process..

Sohard, I didn’t know you’re a FWW… I can’t remember if I have read or followed some of your previous posts (too many posters/posts to keep up with on this board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I assumed from the things you said in your post that you’re as BS. Sorry for that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sohard, you said your H emotionally and verbally abused you… I can have some understanding how difficult this must be for you since I’ve struggled with sexual & physical abuse as a child… As a FWW, it also took me a long time before I could finally forgive OM and let go of my pain, anger & hurt towards him.

The forgiveness thread is applicable on you as well. It's applicable on anyone who has been badly hurt by others on some point of thier lives. Please read it (if you haven’t read it yet) and let me know if it was helpful to you.

Blessings,
Suzet

Oh my gosh Suzette... that was so enlightening. I have been trying to share part of what that said to my MC. When he said he didn't think I had forgiven H. That there are so many hurts and things that H and I have never talked about. Because whenever I try and talk to him about something he did to me, he gets angry. So, MC asked me over the next few weeks to write down any and all hurts "flashbacks" that I have over our M.

I have been busy writting. Sometimes it is painful, and also it has been enlightening. But, overall I think healing. I think wow, I have been thru all of that and guess what? I am O.K. I can handle anything.

Hard part about part of that, is that H is still is in "the process" the "blaming" and other things still happen. He recognizes it "after" the incidents, but by then the damage has usually been done. That is the hard part, forgiving, when some of the things still happen.

And, keeping myself "afloat" and upbeat and happy while working through all of this.