Help. My wife is on her second affair in 5 years. Unfortunately, I didn't know about these books then and didn't handle it very well as we tried to recover.

This time she has kept it very quiet. Her actions say she isn't sure what to do, but her words say she never loved me and will never love me moving forward. Straight out of the books as to her reactions to things.

I've been trying to implement a Plan A, but she is still seeing the other guy and not ready to give that up.

Well today might be the last straw. She found out I was talking to her sister about this. The one person she would not want to know. So now SHE feels betrayed, doesn't trust me, hates me, and says it is over.

I know she was looking for a reason to walk away, and I just gave her one. Is it too late?

Can I still bring her back?

TDVA,
First of all get off the floor and stop accepting responsibility for the fact that your WW is having her 2nd affair! 2nd as in she did this once before…(that you know about!) and that it’s some how your fault. Because it isn’t your fault! She is the cheater and it’s her fault. If you were a bad husband or a bad person then I would advise that you learn to be a good husband and a good person but even Adolph Hitler wouldn’t be responsible if his wife was cheating.

Next, if it were I, I would implement plan A by having frank non-judgmental conversations with your W about how what she’s doing makes you feel. Do not argue with her about what she’s doing because it won’t make any difference but do let her know how hurt you are and that you want her to stop and work with you to find out what your marriage is lacking, that causing her to behave this way.

Now this doesn’t mean that you attack her with tears, get on your knees and beg her stop, rent your garments, pull out your hair, or have a nervous break down. Nor do you lose your temper, scream, yell, threaten or give ultimatums. What it means is that you let her know that you know! Then you ask that she stop. If she refuses you simply explain that this decision saddens you and if possible refrain from saying anything else.

Next take an ad out in your local newspaper telling the entire known world that she is cheating and who it is she’s cheating with. ( I’m joking about the ad…I think…) If you don’t know who the OM is, find out. If the OM is married, the first person to tell is his W. If they work together, go to the HR department of the company and lodge a complaint. Be pro-active! Don’t accept lies and BS her. Don’t argue with her. don’t be mean and vindictive. Just be firm, honest and detached. Know that sometimes, less is more, especially when it comes to trying to make sense with a WS.

So you spoke to her sister! And she’s angry about that ha? And this upsets you? Well what do you have to lose? She’s sleeping with another man and doing it in your face. And you’re afraid she’s going to leave? Man she’s already left the building! All you’re doing is warehousing her on a temporary basis; and if she wasn’t so damn comfortable with the current arrangement she would have probably taken her body out of cold storage as well.

Will continued exposure make you popular with her? No! Will she be angry? Yes! Will she get over it? Yes! Will this ruin her little love fest? We can only prey that it does! Will this bring her back to you? Only if you show her that she made a terrible mistake(s) and that having you as her H is more important and better for her, then not having you.

coach

Wow, Coach, you are so right. It is so hard to see all this as I'm in the middle of it. I suck at being honest, without sounding like a wet noodle.

I just met with her at lunch. SHe is pissed I talked to her sister and said I deceived her! She'll never forgive me!

Anyway, we left it with - she is still pissed, has no desire to do anything more with me, and wants to sit down with an arbitrator to talk seperation.

Honestly I really don't think she is ready to leave yet, unless I let her.

God, this is way too hard!!!

TDVA,
Of course it’s hard for you to see all this, especially while you’re in the middle of the mess, but here’s what you need to think about. Part of your insecurity has to do with your lack of control over the situation. And since you can’t control your WW, what she does, says or thinks, you have to take control over what you can. That’s you! You can control yourself and in doing so regain some semblance of sanity in your life.

How you act, the poise, calm and confidence that you project will say more about you then all the yelling shouting and screaming in the world.

And TD, please remember, it’s not what your WW says that counts. It’s what she does! So guess what? You don’t have to participate in her arguments and abusive behavior. You don’t have to validate her foggy BS by arguing with her. You don’t even have to sit and listen to it. There is such a thing as turning and walking away you know.

As for telling her sister. I beg you, don’t stop there! Tell her parents! Tell friends tell everyone! Most important, tell the OM’s W if he’s married!

If she’s so proud and defiant about what she up to, why would she care who knows? She cares because she knows how wrong she is and wants to keep it a secret. My advice. Skip the talk and take action. Tell it all like I suggested. Tell every one and anyone. And if she wants to go to mediation let her make the appointment. But please know that it won’t be because you exposed her adultery however; because if it weren’t that it would be something else.

By the way, if you end up in a mediator’s office, there’s a million ways to delay and make this thing hard for her. so don’t give up.
coach

Coach,

Can I hire you as my personal counselor and I know you could wonders for my medical practice management????

You are sooooo good and soooo smart.

TDVA, listen to this man. He surely knows of what he speaks.

You are right again!

I've got to look forward, not back. Worry about myself, my three kids and be happy. If she doesn't see the value in that and in trying to work this out, then there is nothing I can do.

Good news is now she can use her sister as someone to talk to. Up to now it has only been her counselor (who is awful), and her other man.

She has agreed to go to a new counselor with me in two weeks. Also agreed to go on the family vacation. I've got to relax, take control of my life, have fun and take it one day at a time.

Live by my heart and not think too much with my head.

Thanks.