Most of us go into relationships seeking a Safe Place. A place where we can be ourselves, and find love and acceptance. A place we can trust to be private and secure. Because we all need a Safe Place. A place to share who we are: our hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, quirks, passions, failings, and foibles.

So we enter our early relationships with the naïve belief that someone who makes us feel so good must be Safe. With each little piece of our hidden self we reveal without being rebuffed, we grow more and more secure that we have, at last, found our Safe Place. We get comfortable there. We relax. And eventually, inevitably, we get hurt.

So we either blame the Person or the Relationship. If we blame the Person, we go seeking a Safer Person to be our Safe Place. If we blame the Relationship, or something else external, we try to build a Safer Relationship. We look for better promises. More exacting fine print. We run periodic safety checks. We seek devices that will improve security in our Safe Place.

The problem with building a better mousetrap is, it’s still a mousetrap.

There is a Safe Place. But it is not in a relationship with another person. It is inside ourselves. Within ourselves, we can find love and acceptance. We can be and know ourselves. We have privacy and security. We can hang up our hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, quirks, passions, failings and foibles like interesting paintings to be pondered over and learned from and explored.

The cool thing is, when you find that Safe Place, when you really make yourself at home there, it frees you. When your relationships are no longer a search, you are free to take them as they are. You are free to walk away when they become a hazardous place for your Self to be. You are free to invest all you want to in them without losing your Self. You can give and share whatever you feel okay about sharing without feeling you will “lose” it if the person you share it with doesn’t value it. It frees you to live your principles, because in the hierarchy of decision-making, a sense of safety and security overrides principles. Someone who lives in “survival mode” is not “free” to pursue their principles.

Where is your Safe Place?

My Safe Place - the boarding facility where I board my horse. He is the one "guy" that loves me unconditionally...he listens to me pour my aching heart out, he sees my tears and feels my sorrow, he sees me angry and loves me no matter what. He is happy when I'm around - not distant and wishing he were elsewhere.
Does he care if I'm getting older, more wrinkles, or that my hair is out of place..No way,,he loves me unconditionally..Yes, he has "friends" but when I call he comes running.

If my M doesn't get back on track soon - I'll never have a Safe Place with a man again..I've voewed to not put myself in this type of situation ever again..I'll live my life with my pets it's safer..

Kat-

Were you in my bedroom last night listening to our conversation??? Weird...

This is what I was talking with H about last night.

I finally realized I need me to be my "safe place." I have finally been able to let go of so much of the rage, anguish, devastation of the A because I finally know that no matter what happens, I will make it. I CAN depend on ME to live. And I am sick of 'surviving.' I want to LIVE and look forward to the future - not dwell in the past b/c I am afraid of the future.

I am on the road to just BEING. Sounds weird but that is the only way I can put it. And most importantly just liking me for who I am, loving myself in spite of all my mistakes, faults etc. and know I am being the best me I can be.

Thanks Kat for your posts. They are always insightful and thought-provoking!!

Excellent post Kat.

This is part of my thought processes too.I have realized after all this pain and betrayal,that I am just more of me! I reside in a heart and mind that is true to herself and is aware of what she wants and needs.Even though I have learned a LOT about Infidelity,it hasn't brought to light anything new.Only that all my beliefs,values,morals,wants needs and desires are the same,maybe more acutely now.

My safe place all this time has been my home.I adore my home and it has been my sanctuary.That's why when I venture out to do things,I want to get back because that's where I know I am safe.It has shielded me from the outside world while I have endured this nightmare.

One thing you mentioned is particularly important and what I have known for a long time:

-You are free to take them(relationships) as they are-

This means accepting the one you are with as is and if it doesn't work for you,you can let go.You are not your marriage,you are married and what you bring to it but it is to be married and share together,not to fill in voids or to make that other person happy.I've said before happiness is within,as corny and cliche as it sounds,it is oh so true.You can't look to or rely on others to make you happy,they will fail you.If you are happy within yourself and the other sig.person does make you happier,than that is icing on the cake.Even though my WH and I will no longer be together,I haven't lost myself,I am right here and always have been.

O