I am beginning to think that there is nothing else I can do to save my M.

Here are the facts:

1. I have never found absolute proof of an A.

2. H is telling his family that he is done with our M. (but hasn't told me yet)

3. He is not interested in working on the M - no counseling - no questionnaires - nothing.

4. He never discusses plans anymore for the future.

5. It seems as if he is preparing for a split up. It's as if he's tying up loose ends. For instance, he wanted to pay off the car, and we did.(we had about 2 years of payments remaining.) He got massive dental work taken care of that he has been putting off for years. He is getting everything medically taken care of - physical, eye exam - new contacts.

6. He is calling his voo doo town counselor in South America tonight for advice on our relationship. This is not to ask him if he should stay in the relationship, or what to do. He is going to ask for advice on how to END the relationship. For instance, should we move back to my hometown before he gets transferred overseas alone? Or should we stay put until he gets transferred. When should he tell me its over. Where should he tell me to look for a job, etc.

Do I still stay in plan A? It doesn't seem to be doing the trick. If I go to plan B, he will probably be happy.

He has noticed a change in me regarding doing plan A. We were watching "The Amazing Race" on Tuesday night and he mentioned that people fight about the stupidest little things. He then said, "That used to be you. You always wanted to fight about the stupidest little things." I said, "I know. I am trying to change."

It doesn't seem like it matters, though.

Do I give up and start preparing for plan D?

svb

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

hey you!

well, what do you really want to do? I mean I know you have your pride, but deep down ask yourself. I really can't tell you what to do in this situation... It seems like we're not really targetting an affair, but looks like your H wants a clean start. He wants to start his life all over again, maybe things should get out in the open. Don't be too anxious to get the answers, but maybe in trying to find closure he might get closer to you.

I can't remember, but I think "relationship talk" is an LB somewhat depends on what you say. I'm wondering what other MB members have to say about this. I've been following your thread for a while now, it seems like you don't want to give up, or you wouldn't be here. Are you really willing to let your H go without a fight? Maybe you should be frank with him, get things in the open.... I don't know.. he seems pretty hard to get him to talk, but you know him, you have to try something.

What he tells his sister is what he may really be feeling and he is working in his exit because he sees the light in the tunnnel without you!

I hope I did not break your spirit with this, but I was just trying to recap and maybe it will clear things up for you! I know you want this marriage... now You need to have a plan!

1. How to get him to talk to you
2. How to start talking to him

I don't know, but even with Plan A, I do not see where it is getting you. The love units have dropped for you...also about the middle life crisis, he is deep into it!
so
BUMP BUMP BUMP

I hope other MB members will respond to you!

Big hugs* n hAPPY BIRTHDAY

Hi Harudah!

Thanks for your reply. I feel like you are always there for me!

I have something a little more positive to post. I don't know if I should start a new thread or not. I heard another conversation today that my H had with his sister. There was a glimmer of hope there!

It didn't start out too well. I had suggested to him when we were booking our last trip that it would be nice some time to meet his sister and her husband in Brazil for a vacation. He didn't say too much to me about it at the time. Well he told his sister on the phone today that he likes the idea of meeting them in Brazil -- maybe in February -- only he doesn't know who he is going to take with him! OUCH! He was laughing about it!

Then they started discussing our situation a little bit more. My H mentioned to her that he has an appointment to call the town wise man/counselor/I-don't-know-what-you-call-him tonight from work (using an international calling card). He is going to tell him that he is confused about what to do and is going to ask him for advice. It seems more to me now that he is confused about whether he wants to stay with me or not. He is not absolutely decided to end the M.

Here were his main points:

1. He said he feels empty inside. He said that his heart hurts and his soul is screaming. ( I take this to mean that he doesn't feel anything for me anymore?)

BUT...

2. He said that he feels that we have a meeting of the mind that he doesn't think that he could find in someone else. Many times he knows that we are thinking the same things without having to say a word. We agree on a lot and we complement each other very well.

3. He mentioned to her that I am bringing up discussions now that he wanted to discuss with me 4 or 5 years ago. (about SF) I failed to mention that while we were on our trip (on my b-day to be exact) I told him that I had been thinking about somthing that he told me -- that I was closed minded about SF. I told him that he was right and that I am trying to work on it. I told him that I have been looking up information about relationships on the Internet (I didn't mention this site specifically) and I have come to the conclusion that, from what I found, that it is because of my past. I come from a background where talking about sex was taboo. I told him that I now understand his frustration (because of what many people have posted here) and I am willing to work on it. I told him that I am jealous that he had the type of relationship with his mother and his 6 older sisters that they could talk about sex openly and about what a wonderful thing it is between a man and a woman in M. My mother has a negative view of men (her father was abusive).

Anyway, I told him that he didn't have to say anything - I just wanted to tell him about my realization and my willingness to work on the issue. I thought that bringing this up might have been against plan A (relationship type talk), but I know that this is important to him, so I took a gamble. I think it might have paid off. I think he was amazed that I found this on the Internet.

4. He says he IS confused. He said if he doesn't go to Europe alone, he wants to have triplets with me. I guess that means that if he decided to stay with me he wants to start a family right away. He said, with him, it is all or nothing.

I am so thankful that I have found this website and the people here. You can't imagine. I think that if he sways back to staying with me, it is because of what I have learned here and of my plan A efforts. (I guess plan A might actually be doing the trick)

I just hope and pray now that his conversation goes well tonight with that man. I hope he gives him the advice to work on the M. My H apparently places a lot of value on what this man says.

I will keep you posted. I am sure my H will fill in his sister on the conversation tomorrow. Voice activated recorder, don't fail me now!!
(Why do I feel so sneaky about this?)

svb

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

if u weren't being sneaky....how would you find out all these things? And all the things to help you save your marriage... (whatever it takes girlfriend!)

Keep up Plan A ... (it gets him confused) and listen to the recorder for updates.. Must be sad and exciting at the same time lol

hugs*