I think I am starting to understand the concept of Plan A.

As I see it, the Wayward Spouse is swimming in a sea of emotion. Love, anger, shame, fear, and saddness are all roiling like a heavy surf. As a betrayed spouse in Plan A our job is to slowly coax the person onto our raft. This needs to be gentle because the heavy waves could topple our own raft at any time while we are trying to pull them aboard. If we scream and yell at them to get on they probably will choose somewhere else to land.

But the whole idea is to simply paddle next to them and assure them that the raft is safe and there for them until they get tired. Staying clear of them during dangerously high emotional times but always in sight and always ready to rescue.

Where I start to loose it is when they won't let go of the other rafts line (won't let go of the Other). (Since D-day my wife has called the other every day.) They hang on because its to risky and basically too much shame to go back to the married raft. How long do you risk your own life on the terrible sea getting tipped by rogue waves of anger, hopelessness, and depression.

I have heard the number of 6 months thrown around on this board. As I am on day 8 I wonder how I can last another 152 days. I feel like I am swimming and righting my own raft more than looking to save my spouse.

I guess plan B is dangerous because its when you turn for safe harbor, alone. And the WS is left to sink or swim on their own. Pretty scary.

Thankyou all for your time and thoughts

Sad

Sad,

I like the analogy. I think you misunderstand about the 6 months. It is a goal. Some have gone longer and others much shorter. The acid test is when you start to feel your love for her diminish or you are having stronger and stronger urges to LB, THEN you go to Plan B.

The recommendation is that you set a target date, say two-three months out to reevaluate the situation. Perhaps after that first period you do it on a monthly basis. You set the interval.

Harley makes the comment, that the single biggest mistake is NOT going to Plan B soon enough. Here is why.

Most A's do not lead to long term relationships, they fail. The major issue is when they fail will YOU care any longer or have you moved on. Plan B allows you to go longer with less loss of love, and it puts some pressure on the A. But the main goal is to see if you can outlast the A. Then the marriage has a chance of recovery.

The 6 months is thrown around but in the books this number is not used. However, what many find is that they can go for that long if they take it in managable chunks. It is really a waiting game, and also a time for reflection and self-improvement.

One of the major factors in failed second marriages is the baggage from the first, deal with your baggage and issues and you will be better prepared no matter which why this turns out.

God Bless,

JL

Great description. I think you've got it. It does get easier, the more you practice. It helps if you think of them as addicted.

Are you still with us?

I'm still here however this is the really tough time for me, I'm home alone with the kids and WW is at work sometimes she comes home at 7:30 sometimes almost 9:00 but the clinic closes at 7:00. This is when I have caught them in really deep conversations. I want to go spy on them soo bad but I have to make dinner for the kids and wait. . .

As I said this is a really tough time for me.

BTW if I secured a raise which would replace her income could I make her quit? Dumb question I know in plan A just try to satisfy her needs but man this stings.

Sad

Yep, it sucks. But luckily we have lots of men here going through the same thing. Check out postings by Juke, Gray Cloud, Family Matters, 2long, and Binder.

So post away. We can help you get through this. It is horribly miserable at first, but gets much, much better.