Oh my gosh, I can't believe I actually went through with it. It was really strange how it all happened.

After I left here I was completely calm. I got into my car, drove to my hotel and called the girl's house. Her mom answered and I could barely get out who I was. When her mom realized I was H's wife she asked if something was wrong with her D. I told her that I believed that my H had been having an innapropriate relationship with her D. I asked if I could meet with her to discuss it and she asked me over to her house. She was shocked and wanted to see my proof.

So off I drove to their house. (The girl was at practice at this time and her dad was nearby at the library). Her mom wanted to call them and have him bring her home right away but I convinced her not to until I got there and we were able to talk.

I was suprised at how kind she was to me. She made me tea and we looked over the phone logs and the e-mail. I also gave her my letter. She had no idea of who her D talked to on her phone because on their statements it didn't show the phone logs. So I helped her go to the wireless website to view her bill and luckly we found that the calls stopped as of 6/22.

We talked for a few hours. She told me her D cut her arms a few months ago when they told her she couldn't go to fencing when school started. That really scared me because I don't know what she's going to do now. Her mom told me that the girl had asked a few days ago if age really mattered and that should have been a clue. Also she said that H had given her D some books on Taoism and they didn't really like that because they are devout christians. She also told me that they had decided to try and get to know my H better so they had bought him some bread at Panera and gave it to him as a gift and he showed no sign of hiding anything lik this.

I explained my concerns over telling them. I told her about my situation and how my things were still at the house and that I really didn't want anyone to get in trouble but I thought they should know. She told me that she and her husband were not the type to go and ruin someone over something like this but they did want to put a stop to it.

She had me wait until her D and her husband came home because she wanted me to be there when they confronted her. That was the hardest part of all. When they came home the dad read the letter and e-mail and saw the phone records and was very upset. I was suprised that they seemed more upset with the way the girl had acted than with what my H had done.

I actually felt really bad for the girl because they were scolding her right in front of me. When her dad told her she couldn't go to fencing anymore she got angry about it of course. She couldn't see why she had to stop going since everything had stopped. Her parents made her promise not to tell my H about me being there (although I'm fully expecting she will). She got angry about that too and said he should know since he is part of this as well.

Her parents wanted to keep her from going to fencing with my H, take away her phone and her internet. I felt bad for her because I felt like I was taking away all the things that teens like to do. I don't know. The mom was a little more open minded and told her that if she's ever talking to someone on the phone she'll have to let her mom talk to the person periodically to make sure she is talking to the person she says she's talking to plus she said one of her parents would always be there to watch her fence during any time that my H would be around.

They made her appologize to me which made me very uncomfortable. They even told her they couldn't see how she could go to church and accept the bread and wine knowing what she was doing to a marriage. I explained that I didn't think that this was the reason my M is falling apart so they really shouldn't blame it on her. I was also suprised that they told me that even though she is a minor she knows better than to do what she did. The girl told her parents that she was the one who started it all and that she had a crush on him and pursued him.

I felt bad that she was getting most of the blame. I mean I don't want H in trouble but I think he had a responsibility to not have let this happen.

Anyhow, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now. They were talking about having her speak to their pastor about this and also her counselor. They're main concern is to keep her from being tempted by him, which I guess was my hope too.

When I talked to her mom I had almost no emotion. I think I was in shock that I was actually there. It wasn't until the girl came that I broke down a few times. She even gave me a tissue. I couldn't even look at her. I saw her for like a second and that was all I could take. I guess she came home last Wednesday and told her parents that she thought that my H and I were getting a DV. When they asked why since they knew we just got married so said she didn't know.

Also she couldn't understand why she couldn't talk to H anymore. She said he's been a good friend and got her through a tough time. BLAH! I know where that's coming from but still. I was right there and it made me angry although I expected it.

Now I'm just waiting to see what's going to happen. Stupid me I sent a message to H yesterday to tell him that I didn't like what he was writing about our R on his website and I guess he responded but no matter how much I want to read it I'm not going to because I only know it will make me feel bad.

Anyway, it was a long day to say the least. I talked to my mom about it last night but I really did wish there was a way I could have come here before I forgot a bunch of of happened. I'm sure I'll add more as the day goes on as I remember it. Oh, when I left her mom gave me $20. she said for gas, I tried to refuse but I didn't have the opportinity to leave it there. I was thinking of sending them a letter thanking them for their kindness to me and returning the money. Should I?

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 04:35 PM: Message edited by: ivoryivy ]</small>

II - I'm not sure that I've ever posted to you, but lately I've read a lot of your thread, and have been praying for your safety.

Congrats to you for accomplishing this HUGE step! Praise the Lord, her parents were open and receptive...I for one was afraid they'd not want to hear anything you had to say, or they'd run straight to the police. Thank God, they did neither. I am so proud of you - your strength and courage at such a young age is to be commended.

You seem like such a sweet girl, and I really believe that you will be able to move on from this. I am worried about you and your living situation right now...I understand your not wanting to go back to family, but, is there a more distant relative that you could stay with until you can get back on your feet? A Grandma, or an Aunt, maybe even an older cousin?? You are young enough to take some time from school and get yourself grounded again!

Good luck to you and may God richly bless you in all you do! ~YL

(edited to add)
PS...as for the $20 from your mom - just my opinion, but I'd keep it - you never know how God might've blessed someone who seemed undeserving, so they could pass that blessing on to someone else...He won't reach down from Heaven and hand you what you need, but He will send it to you in the most unexpected of ways. Also, a personal experience: my dad use to always call and ask me if we were doing ok, and did we need anything. When school started, he'd call and ask if the kids needed new shoes or clothes. And, when it started to get cold he'd call and ask if anybody needed a jacket. I knew that he had financial problems of his own, and I never thought he had enough money to help himself, muchless me and 2 kids. What I didn't realize, is that as my dad, he felt he still had a responsibility to me, and by offering, it meant I still needed him. One of the last conversations he and I ever had was one that I recall as it were yesterday...he said "YL, you're all grown up. You're so beautiful, and I love you so much! I can't believe how fast it happened, but you've got everything that you need right here - a husband, two great kids - and you really don't need me anymore." Ivory, it still brings tears to my eyes, he'll never know how much I love him and miss him, and really really need him. Just my vho but I wouldn't take this opportunity for your mom to do something good for you, away from her. She gave you the money, use it wisely... I think she'll be proud.

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: YL ]</small>

Ivy, I glad you finally did it. You should feel proud of yourself. I am glad that her parents were so kind and understanding.

I would send a thankyou note to them. Don't return the money now, you need it. It was generous of them and I think probably heart felt. They won't miss $20.

Later when you are more secure. You can return the $20 and thank them again for helping you in your time of need.

Keep you chin up Ivy.

I'M SO FREAKIN' PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW IVORY!!!!

You are amazing, and you SO did the right thing!!!!! If you need anything I can do for you! Girl! You just hafta ask!

- Kimmy

Ivy,

Again - wonderful job. I think last night was a real milestone for you.

I think you should avoid contacting your H, and begin to think about how he will react when he finds out what happened last night.

Oh, excellent. The girl admitted it. Your H can't go to her parents and warn them that his unbalanced wife is going around making outrageous accusations. It's going to be hard for him to make you the crazy one now.

I bet you feel light as a feather today.

GC

Brava, girl. Applause, hugs, and kudos.

The parents of the girl are good people, fortunately for you. She doesn't realize it, but they have saved her from a real mess.

She is naiive, thinking that she is the cause of your H's straying because she pursued him. There are men who are responsible, who stop such pursuits firmly and immediately. Legally she is a child.

Your actions were correct, compassionate and moral.

There is no reason for you to feel badly for the privileges the girl is losing. The very fact that she is living under her parents' roof and dependent upon them for her room & board, for her cell phone, her perks, her fencing lessons, clothing allowance, etc., underscores her state of "childhood."

Doing nothing would have been taking the easy way out. Thank goodness there are still decent people like you in the world!

My main concerns now are:

How should I prepare for when my H finds out? (Either the girl will tell him or her parents will tell him they know so of course I'll be the first person he'll suspect for telling them)

Her parents were talking about making him sign a paper saying that he will no longer be having that kind of relationship with her... I thought that would be strange and akward for all involved.

Also, I know her parent's were probably in shock last night. They seemed very understanding last night but how will they act when it finally sinks in that a 27 year old man and teacher was kissing their 15 year old D? Yes, I asked her mom and she told me that in May when this was going on the girl was 15. I left my number and e-mail address with them so I hope they let me know anything if they plan on doing anything. They said they appriciated me coming to them and realized that if I had wanted to get back at my H I would have gone to the police. They appriciated that I didn't put the spotlight on their D. The girl is an only child. Her parent's really seem like they want to help her.

Today I do feel like a weight has been lifted but I'm still scared because I don't know what this is going to result in.

Ivory,

You did very well and you stayed strong and handled this in a very mature way.

I'm proud of you!

Kati

Your H seems unsafe. He shouldn't know where you're staying, you should not send him any messages, and if he contacts you and wants to talk, you should agree only to see him in public places. Don't let his soft eyes hypnotize you!

Once you get a place, if you have lots of stuff to get from your in-laws' house (that's where it is, right?), you need to have somebody help you collect everything once you've made those arrangements.

Do you have good leads on some jobs?

GC

I feel like I've applied everywhere but I haven't gotten any calls back. I'm going to start calling them back tommorow now that they've had my applications for a few days.

When I move, there's no way I'm going there alone. I know H has mentioned that he can help me move but I don't want him to know where I'm going to be living.

As for being worried about what the parents will do when it sinks in, I'm reminded of how I acted when I found out. I was shocked. After the initial shock I came up with all of these things to do to keep it from happening, but when it sunk in, I was furious and vengeful. Now I've had time to calm down but still, I've never been as forgiving as I was when I was still in shock.

Good going Ivory! I think your story began here near the end of June if I remember correctly and just look how much you have been through and overcome on a day by day basis since then. You definitely deserve applause. Amazing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am happy for the kind reception that you had from the girl's parents. There is no reason for you to feel bad that she is having her wings clipped however.

This little girl is not ready to fly yet and unfortunately has already made some attempts. It is a huge red flag that she cut herself when told she couldn't go to the fencing lessons.

Self mutilation is a rather commonly seen behavior in sexual abuse victims so your H is probably not the first to overstep with her. So sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> She needs help desperately and now maybe because you stepped in she will be able to get it. Aren't you so glad you did this?

I would send a thank you letter for sure but keep the $20. You can let them know of your intent to pay them back when you are able. (I know this is a matter of integrity to you.)

I was reading something JustJ said in another thread and she asked the question "What are you going to do (today?) to help regain your confidence, your self esteem"? (Sorry JJ, it's from memory, hope I got it right) Well Ivory, I think that you can answer that question very well because you've done ALOT. Keep at it.

I understand the family thing now, thank you for sharing. I felt bad I couldn't come back after I asked the question. I have always felt that you were special and hearing what you have come from and how resourcefully and bravely you are conducting yourself now gives me great hope for your future. You are going to break the mold, girl. You will achieve where others in your life have not.

At this time I think your first priority (geeze do these priorities ever end???) should be SAFETY. I'm thinking along the lines of being careful where you are and aware of your surroundings at all times. You do not want to be alone with your H at this time.

If he approaches you in semi-public or public make sure you stay in sight at all times. DO NOT GO ANYWHERE ALONE WITH HIM. If you see him following you in the car go to the police station parking lot. (Make sure you know how to get there ahead of time) That action ought to back him off, even if you don't get out of the car. I'd screech into the lot if I were you.

You know Ivory, your life right now is all about survival and personal growth and recovery in so different many ways. You are becoming stronger even if you don't feel like it. Each situation you overcome is another feather in your cap. Don't throw that all away by having contact with your H. You need time to get stronger before you can deal with him. Erase the text, don't tempt yourself.

A suggestion, since you don't have the computer at night go get a spiral bound notebook and write out your thoughts by hand at night. You can call it whatever you like but keep it for your recovery thoughts. You can always copy from it when you get to a computer if you want. That way even without feedback, you'll feel like your doing something. Do you have the inclination to read at all? A good book does wonders for the soul, I think.

Sorry to get so long. You did good, Babygirl! KB

Ivoryivy, I bought stamps today. I was going to come online and see if I could send you some... and instead, I want to know where I should send the note of congratulations!! I am so happy that you went to the girl's parents. You handled it very, very well.

One thing you were concerned about was about how the parents would act -- taking things away from her, talking to the pastor and counselor, etc. I think it's important to understand that there is a big difference between discipline and punishment. What they were talking about doing was discipline, not punishment.

Discipline is something that it is a parent's responsibility to do for a child. It's all about setting boundaries and teaching the child that the boundaries are firm and are in place for a reason. You can't play with a hot stove is the lesson when you're two. You can't play with a married man is the lesson for this girl at 15. There are very good reasons for those boundaries -- and all parents have to enforce them for their children until the children internalize and accept them.

The parents are taking good, solid, appropriate steps to get that done. Will the girl like it? Absolutely not. But it will keep her safe and whole and help her grow up straight and strong. Those are darned good things -- and something that you should pay attention to when, someday, you are a parent.

I would also say that this story is not done yet. I would guess that you'll hear more about it at some point, from someone.

But still, at this moment, YAY!!!! Take some time and just enjoy the relief that this brings. You are taking such amazing steps forward right now, and it's important to take the time to appreciate it when one of the big hurdles has been overcome.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ivoryivy:
[QB] My main concerns now are:

How should I prepare for when my H finds out? (Either the girl will tell him or her parents will tell him they know so of course I'll be the first person he'll suspect for telling them)

Keep in mind that if your husband had been doing nothing wrong, that is, had he not been carrying on a relationship with a minor child, had the entire history been open and aboveboard with your husband never being alone with the minor child but always being in sight and earshot of others, had your husband volunteered his marital status to the girl's parents, your "outing" him would not be an issue.

Take the position that if he was not playing with children, he wouldn't be dealing with this whole mess. Point out if you must, that you protected a CHILD from him. And now he will have to contend with the parents (adults, imagine that!) of the child.

But don't expect reason, maturity, or pragmatism to reign in his little fantasy world.

And I agree with the others and with your own assessment: He cannot be trusted, don't be alone with him, and bring police with you to collect your belongings.

i hope I didn't give anyone the wrong impression about my H. He has never shown any signs of physically hurting me. I'm just afraid now because he has not been himself lately. He has been very cold and I'm just not sure how he'll react to knowing that I'm confronted her parents. There's always the possiblility that he'll become violent and that's what I'm afraid of so I'm being careful. I just didn't want everyone to think that he beats me up all the time. Emotionally it's true but not ever really physically.

Just as a side note: Does anyone else think "Battered" instead of "Betrayed" when they see BS, BW, and BH? It seems everytime I see the "B" the word battered comes in my head even though I know it's supposed to mean betrayed.

Ivy, I knew your H hadn't been physically abusive, but I got a feeling from your posts, the same thing you're sensing. Trust your intuition on this one. If you feel there is a possibility, even a remote one, of violence, then don't let him be alone with you in private. It's that simple. He's not being convicted of being abusive here. He's being convicted of being a spoiled little boy that might have it in him.

GC

I can definitly agree with that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> Just as a side note: Does anyone else think "Battered" instead of "Betrayed" when they see BS, BW, and BH? It seems everytime I see the "B" the word battered comes in my head even though I know it's supposed to mean betrayed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting comment. Pay attention to that thought, it is coming from your inner voice, your gut meter, your intuition, your defence against danger. You are in a high risk situation regardless of any lack of violence from your H in the past. He is not the same guy you married, or at the very least the guy you "thought" you married.

You met him young, the girl is young and there is something to that. There is a darkness in men who don't respect societal and moral boundaries in the fashion your H has. Listen to your instincts, don't be lulled into thinking that you are safe with this man.

Don't mean to rub salt, but every time you ignored direct advice given to you from this board, did it go well? You know the answer. We are all quite a bit older than you, and we have a wide gamut of experience in life to draw from. We are trying to help you make your way. WE WANT YOU TO BE SAFE, FIRST AND FOREMOST. KB

KB, I was thinking exactly the same thing. It never has occurred to me that the B could stand for "battered".

Ivy, you've been through some tough times, both many years ago and very recently. But you're growing wise and learning to be self-reliant while still young. You have a great life ahead of you. Keep that future safe from those who would put it in jeopardy.

GC

okay, well I'm starting to get nervous. It's approaching the time that she was supposed to be in his class. I don't know if her parents have chosen to make her stop attending or if they agreed to let her attend as long as they are there to watch. This is really scary.

On another note I just got a call for an interview with Tiffany's. So that's something.

Ivy, don't sweat tonight's class, and be careful about responding to any messages you get from your H.

How soon is the interview?

GC