Ivy,

I haven't read all your posts...just this one, because I am a parent of a 15-year-old daughter myself.

My daughter is very difficult to deal with--lots of issues--too many to name. But one thing I know is that all her friends are very protective of her and few of them are willing to "rat" her out, even if she's involved in something harmful. We need all the help we can get to keep our kids safe if they're doing something dangerous.

You were in a tough situation, and you were brave enough to do something very difficult for you, but something that may make a huge difference in that girl's future, now that her parents are aware of what is going on.

LL

I agree that there is a darkness in a man who doesn't consider the legal ramifications along with the moral ones in this case.
(I'm the mom of a 14 year old)
The girl is getting abused by your H even if her parents don't act on it.

Hope the job with Tiffany's pans out and you have a new focus in your life.

Knewbetter - I really liked your post, there is something very eloquent about you!


Ivory -

Bless you hon, you are moving in a good direction.


Weaver

My interview is on Tuesday. Unfortunatly, it's in the city so I'll have to take the train in but it's a start. I'm hoping to get more calls soon.

Other than that life is okay. Last night I was really panicky because I was worried that my H would show up somewhere was even though I'm making sure not to go places where he would be likely to be at. I got sentimental last night when the characters in the movie I was watching got splashed by a truck hitting a puddle in the road and it reminded me of when that happened to us during our HM.

I'm sorry my posts are kind of disconnected right now. I'm exhausted still.

Ivory -

I'm off for the weekend, but wanted to say heh! You are still sounding good, and I really hope the job pans out for you. I'll send some positive thoughts your way -

I hope you have a good weekend!

Weaver

Ivy, you sound good. Have a great weekend. I hope you have somewhere to stay a little while longer - I don't want to hear you've had to conk in your car again. Don't forget my suggestion about exercise. Get some of that bad stuff outta your system. It really works.

How can you other BSs watch all these movies? I watch something, and any mention of a R between two people puts me on high alert. Anybody gets dumped or cheated on, I have to shut it off immediately.

GC

I sometimes have to do that too with the movies. I almost turned the one last night off but it was near the end and I had already seen it before so I went ahead and finished it. I keep seeing this movie on showtime called Just A Kiss that's about a group of couples and it's about them cheating on each other. Then almost all of them end up dead because of the chain of events the first affair lead to. It's a really strange movie. I don't know what made me think of that now.

Anyway, I had another call back for an interview on Wednesday.

I hope the weekend goes well for everyone here as well. You know, I think now that I finally told the parents about the affair it's made it a little easier to let go of the hope of reuniting with my H. I don't know if that's a good thing to say on a MB site but I think it really is the best thing for me. Hopefully I'll continue to feel that way but knowing me I'll put myself back on the roller coaster if ever he comes calling. Maybe knowing that will make me stronger to try and avoid it.

Great to hear about the call back, Ivy. I'd like to encourage you to stay on MB for as long as you'd like. You are among friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We want to help you get on your feet and support you through your efforts regardless of whether the marriage ends or not. You have a long way to go if that actually happens so stick with us ok? We care. KB

Ivy,
As the mother of a 16 year old dear daughter, I must say thank you. I've watched her change so and struggle so with new relationships in the past year. I've watched her struggle with her own version of the 'fog' and this new thing called love. At that age, I guess at any age, being in love with being in love can wreak havoc on judgement.
It took a great deal of courage for you to call and actually go see her parents and her! That was so much better than just sending the letter. It improved your credibility with them a great deal I'm sure. Bravo!
Listen closely to those here that tell you to proceed with caution where the H is concerned. Many people you would never dream would become violent will when they feel their backs are against the wall and I'd say that is a place your H will be familiar with soon.
Ya' done great!
MM

Ivy,
You've expressed a desire for legal help several times and a MB member has directly offered help. Why do you not respond to him?

gb, I think I did respond. It's just going to take a little while.

Last night, once again, was tough on me. I felt like telling H so much. I wanted to tell him whatever I could to make him want me again. I feel so stupid when I get these feelings. Deep down I still want to be with him. I don't know why. I really miss him. I miss his eyes, his smile, is arms, his voice. I think I miss everything of who he used to be before this thing with the girl started, even his bad side. I feel like I shouldn't want to go back to that but I do. Of course I won't but there are times that I would do anything to return to the way it was before this happened.

Last night thinking about the way he used to stare into my eyes got me going. There was always so much love in them. The last time I saw him they were almost empty but I thought I sensed a little still there. It made me hope there was still hope to save things but I know that this wouldn't be a good thing for me. No matter how much I still love him if he ever wanted me back I don't think I should go with him. If only the heart followed what the brain knows. I can't see myself feeling love for anyone besides him. I'm sure time will change that but it's still fresh I guess.

I'm having such a hard time finding a place up here. I think it's because I still can't see myself moving without him. I can't see taking our dishes we got from our registry that we picked together out of storage an not using them together and with our mutual friends ie. his friends. I really don't want to live without him. I go to these apartments and I think about how he would like it and what we could do to make it our own home. I still don't think I can handle seeing our room all redecorated without any of my belogings in it. We spent so much time fixing that little room so that we could both have our things together. There are just so many things that I can't imagine doing or having without having him to share them with. I've always wanted to share everything with him and I still do and it's killing me knowing I won't be able to.

I felt like sending the girl a copy of SAA just so she could see how being in an A affects the WS. I wish she knew how much he's changed since this all happened. I wish she knew what fog is and how he's so deep in it. It's not like I blame her for ruining the M, but it would be nice if she knew that she kept us from working on it.

I know it wouldn't make a difference and I know I'm just thinking this way because I feel so alone without him. I just wish he missed me too.

Okay, that was a semi-vent to keep me from contacting him. Hopefully I can last the night without feeling overwhelmed by the temptation.

Ivy,

Resist contacting him.

I sense that you have grown into adulthood defining yourself quite substantially as the wife of your husband, rather than as an individual. I'm not saying this is necessarily a bad thing, but you've been with him since you were just barely finished being a child.

Perhaps you ought to treat this experience, regardless of how things end up, as an opportunity to gain some independence, not just physical independence (your own place, etc.), but a deeper feeling that you are a valuable and precious being regardless of who you have an intimate relationship with.

Hang in there, Ivy. You're doing so much better than you were a few weeks ago. Bravo.

GC

I second GC's bravo, Ivy!

I also wanted to say good luck at your interview tomorrow! Tiffany's? Wowza!

- Kimmy

Thanks guys! I had another person call me back for an interview at a bank. This one is right by my campus so I have high hopes for it. Plus I get to keep up with my math. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, I've been reading this book "I Used to Miss Him... But My Aim Is Improving" by Alison James. It's a break-up book but it's hilarious and keeping my will high to keep from talking to him. It's really bringing me up and out of the dumps. It's probably not good if you are still trying to save your marriage but it's a great laugh and makes you feel better about the roller-coaster of emotions that we go through when we feel like we've been dumped. Or at least that;s what I think.

So how's the job hunt/house hunt/etc going?

Well, I had my interview with Tiffany's yesterday. That seemed to go fairly well although my ankles are all torn up from my new shoes. I had another interview with a bank this morning and that seemed to go really well. I have 2 more interviews today and another scheduled for tomorrow. I still haven't had much luck finding a place to live. It would be easier if I had a place and was looking for a roommate but I can't afford to do that so I'm still looking. I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of H but I still wake up at night thinking that I've lost him forever. Then I try to convince myself I'm better off but then I think about all the things we used to do together and I miss doing them with him.

I'm trying to find a go between for us because I need to get my mail somehow. I don't want to talk to him or his parents and I definitly don't want to see them. I keep thinking that I'm going to have to go there to pick up my things and I picture our room with all of my things missing and I sink into a little hole. I was thinking about setting up a PO box or something but I don't know if I can afford it. I'm trying to enjoy things on my own but I really hate the feeling of loneliness I get at night. I'm sure everyone here gets that from time to time. Then I think of him and want to kick him in the shins.

I haven't heard if he knows I've spoken to the girl's parents and that kind of worries me. I'm kind of suprised I haven't run into him or his family yet around town. The other day I thought I saw his mom's car and I nearly froze. Anyway, we'll see how the job hunt goes.

Very wise to find a go-between. Didn't you mention a friend you spent some time with a week or two ago? Ivy, who do you have in that town?

GC

Hi Ivy, good to hear from you! The job possibilities sound good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ivoryivy:
<strong> I'm trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of H but I still wake up at night thinking that I've lost him forever. Then I try to convince myself I'm better off but then I think about all the things we used to do together and I miss doing them with him.

I'm trying to enjoy things on my own but I really hate the feeling of loneliness I get at night. I'm sure everyone here gets that from time to time. Then I think of him and want to kick him in the shins. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to remember that unlike everyone else on this board, you are not only trying to deal with the fallout from your H's indidelity but also having to find a new home AND a job all at the SAME time. You are undergoing an entire life makeover!

When you get some roots put down, get your own things around you again and make some new friends at work, you will be able to battle the loneliness a little easier. You are doing very well as it is, IMO.

I think you understand yourself quite well. If you feel that your hestiation at moving ahead with a place to live is holding you back, sit and digest that for a little while. You may be giving off some signals and sabotaging your chances at getting the rooms you are looking at. Think of this, you want that little place of your own to lay your head, to hide out with your own things around you, a place to call home, even if it is only temporary. Who knows, maybe you and H will get back together?

That's really not on the table right now though, is it? You need to take care of YOU, Plan A yourself in other words. Have you read through the Plan A concepts? They do not apply to your H at this moment because you have exposed his criminal actions and need to keep far away for your own safety. They do apply to you, however.

Be kind to yourself, no love busters, no disrespectful judgements. Remind yourself that you are a brave young woman making the best of a difficult situation. You will make some mistakes along the way but you CAN recover from them. You will become a stronger person as a result of all of this and someday may be able to lend a hand to someone hurting as much you are now.

I saw your picture Ivy, you are beautiful! Even without seeing the photo however, it was obvious that there was something different about you. I want you to remember that you are a classy woman, that your current situation is not of your choice or doing and the mistakes of the past are just there, in the past.

Don't give yourself up to just anyone Ivy, you deserve the BEST. Remember this when you get lonely. No ONS for a woman like you, you are so much better than that. No impulsive jumping into H's arms if he decides to give you the time of day. You hold your head up, define your boundaries in life and hold your ground.

I'd like to encourage you to go here and request access to the private board as Just J suggested to you. I think it would be a great help to you personally.

Anyway, let us know how the interviews go, ok? KB

Interviews are going well. I have had 3 call backs already for second interviews. I don't know what I'll do if I get offered more than one job. I'm super indecisive which has been made worse by everything that's gone on. It's not a bad place to be in, I know, but I feel bad turning anything down.

Now I have a new dilema. It has to do with clothes. I only have one dress. I can't really afford to go get another one so I have to go to the house and pick up a new one. Maybe I can contact his mom and ask her to bring me my suit if possible but I'm really not too keen on the idea of seeing any of them. I'll see what I can do.

Ivy,

I have the impression you don't have any friends in this town. You need some. Volunteer at the hospital or go to church or something.

Reach out. You not only need a job and an apartment, you need somebody to talk to. Maybe you can find a female MB to chat up. I suggest SYMC for you also - that private board is probably a nice safe place for women.

I think you should contact MIL. You haven't done anything to be a pariah to that family.

GC