My Wife and I have been together over 9 years.
Our marriage had degraded into constant fights or
resentment. The sex was great but had also fallen
victim to the fights and reduced to a couple times a month.

About a month ago I noticed the distance between us
grow and changes in her behavior. I knew she wrote
erotic stories for a board but she no longer shared them with
me.

One day she happened to visit a site on my computer and I
was curious about the url. I started reading and found
her posts. I was shocked by how she described me
and how she had met the best kisser ever. She never wanted
to kiss anyone else again. She included a link to
a story she wrote about thier second meeting.

I was really having a hard time separating reality from
fiction. I started searching for more posts a learned
a great deal (I didn't want to know). The words really hurt.
She wrote about our sex life in ways that really altered from my
impression of the events. For about a week I watched her.

I wrote her a letter expressing my concern over the hours
she spent online and the fact that she at best would
only give me a few minutes a day. I also made it clear
that we needed to work on things before one of us had
an affair and I would not tolerate that.

She did not speak to me for the next week. She finally
wrote me back explaining that Sex was not the issue. She
had given up on us years ago and thought it would be best to
divorce me. She never wanted to get married or have kids
and resented me for both. I was tearful, she was cold.

We talked about it and decided to give it 3 months to see
if we could improve things between us. Later that day
she asked me if she could go on a 2 1/2 trip with some sorority sisters
to help set up the chapel house for the semester on Sat.
We were already scheduled to attend a wedding that night.

I said fine. Later that night, she was very upset and did
not want to talk to me. Before I drifted off to sleep,
she talk me she had decided not to go on the trip
because of time constraints.

The next morning I was reading her posts and discovered
she had not really been going to the college to with
the sisters, she was going to see her amazing kisser.

The night before i had written her to tell her that she
could still come, but he could no longer kiss her. She
was "in Love" with someone else. The previous weekend he was supposed
to have been visiting a "male" friend. It turned out to
be his new love. WS was upset because he had LIED TO HER.

What about me? Not only was she seeing someone else but was
going to meet him after agreeing to try and work it out with me.

I realize the emotions and excitement can be like a high
from a drug. I know the power they can have over you. It is
very addictive.

I was very hurt. When I confronted her with what I discovered
I got the angry "Spying on me" reaction. Was I Spying? She
posted evening in the open on a public forum.

I worked up the courage to forgive her. The EA was already
over by the time I found out. She had only been with him
2 times and there was no evidence it when beyond kissing.

She is understandably confused right now. She (loved?) him.
He dumped her. I found out about it. I was very upset.
She feels guiltily. She's taking everything out on me.

Two days ago, she came to the brink. I had lost all hope
there was anything left to save, with the way she had been
treating me. I made it very clear that I was ready
to contact the lawyers. The decision to stay married or
not was no longer hers. I bared my soul to her. She left
the room. I felt hopeless.

The next day I received a email at work. She had been thinking
about the conversion and I had finally reached her. She
finally acknowledged the pain she had caused me and begged
for forgiveness. We have had several positive talks
since and she really does sincerely seem to want to work
on building up our relationship.

My questions comes done to this. When is it OK for me to
kiss her again?

She was fell for the OM because of the way he kissed. She
became emotionally attached to him. We have not kissed
passionately in years. It is not that I haven't tried.
I am a very touchy feely type person but when almost
every attempt at affection is rejected. I just gave up trying.

I want to work on rebuilding out affection for each other.
I need to kiss her to remove the "Never Kiss Anybody Again"
from head. I need her to think of me and not him.

I think that given time, my 9 years experience with her can overcome
thier 2 dates. She was very descriptive in her writing
about what she liked about his kissing. I could
learn from it. Should I use this knowledge?

I want so badly to kiss her so I can begin the healing process
but I do not want to hurt her more and chance disrupting
the progress we are now making.

What would you do?

Impatient

I wish I could give you some meaningful advice. But I am just so happy that your WW came back to you marriage. Even if it was because she found her fantasy lover, was just that, a fantasy. He told her he was on a trip with his buddy, but actually was seeing another woman who probably believes he is her fantasy too. She also will be dissappointed.

I am happy and frankly, jealous that your WW found out now rather than after your M was broken beyond repair.

If your WW lets you, I would kiss her, and often.

Look at this incident as a Wake up call. The EA's are very difficult to deal with because of the bonding from the feelings of love they feel for each other. You are lucky it ended quicky but she will still think of the fantasy she was living at your expense. Be patient and work hard on your marriage.

I am working hard on the Marriage. Carrying most
of the load right now. I am trying not to
put to much pressure on her right. I am being
supportive and loving. I guess I am working
and rebuilding our friendship first.

Things are a lot calmer now. I need emotional
feedback from her to help me get through this.
For now, at least she will let me cuddle with her
before we fall to sleep. I am still waiting to
kiss her. I think I will just watch her
reactions and I will know when the time is right.

Joker - I agree with Tom's reply. Firstly, you are very lucky that the wife snapped out of it before things spiralled out of control. Secondly, if you feel that you want to kiss her then do it so long as she is agreeable with this. If you can learn what she likes in the kissing side of things, then that's a bonus. Try not to measure yourself against this imagined / immeasurable standard.

Follow-up:

I did kiss her several times yesterday.

Not the most passionate kisses or responses from
her but at least it is a start.

At least she did not reject my advances.