For the last year my wife and I have been growing apart. At first I thought flowers cards and jewlery would work. It failed and now I am a most favored credit card debtor.

The second six months we tried MC (the councelor was lousy and just wanted to talk about me brother who died 7 years ago). My wife started Relationship Matters, but quit. I picked up the book and finally saw that I was pretty darn screwed up and I proceeded to fix it.

However, everything still continued to slide, while doing her laundry I saw a note with numbers on it, all divorce attorneys. I confronted her and she said that she was just seeing if she had options if she wanted a seperation in terms of custody of our 2 kids.

Everything I tried failed, finally I began to look back at the last year and saw that someone elses finger prints were all over our relationship. I broke down and confronted her, why was she trusting him more than me.

It came out that she has been emotionally tied to him for the past year and can't break free. She even got a new job but couldn't stay away.

The quack of a counseler told her in a private session that it was good to keep working at the same workplace because all her friends and co-workers hate this guy, I mean he is an arrogant [censored].

So now after a year she talks on her cell phone with this guy every day. She says a part of her is in love with him. She knows she should break free but doesn't think she can.

The question is (sorry about the long background) is the fact that it isn't physical a mitigating factor, can she keep her job. When we discuss the M she always defends herself and the Other realtionship because it isn't physical and they've done nothing wrong.

I feel that I have been wasting my time trying to fix the marriage while she has been hiding in this other life. Now that I finally know about the EA, I don't know how much more I can take.

Thanks for the ear

Sad

Is the "arrogant [censored]" also married?

Expose this EA to his wife. Have your supporting data ready and waiting.

Pep

It can be worse in a way than a PA because they have less guilt. They feel it's clean, sweet, innocent. They couldn't help falling in love. It just happened.

Blah, blah, blah. This is serious as a heart attack.

The upside - if it ends before turning into a PA, it will probably not be as hard for you to get over it.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> It can be worse in a way than a PA because they have less guilt. They feel it's clean, sweet, innocent.
GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Pure" was the word my husband used to describe his friendship. ****hurl*****

For my money, EA is worse than PA as far as the pain it caused me.

Mine called it "innocent".

Me, I got an EA with a twist of false recovery followed up by a shot of PA, finally topped off with D papers last week.

Bitter.

GC

Most sources say that the "typical" response is that the emotional part of the affair is tougher for women to forgive while the physicsal/sexual component is harder for the betrayed H to forgive. BTW that's not to say that the other or secondary component isn't an issue. It's just not the primary issue.

Mac

I’m responding to the question in the topic line: EA's and PA's is it different.

I was involved in an e-mail friendship which became inappropriate and beginning of EA. Neither me or my H were ever involved in any PA, so since I can’t talk from experience, I can only give my own personal opinion on this:

Personally I think the worst scenario for recovery is where someone gets involved in both EA and PA. IMO the big difference between EA and PA is that when you have an PA with someone you know without doubt that what you are doing is wrong... I mean, I can't imagine that sex and using your genitals can happen as ‘just an accident’. However, someone can get involved in an EA if boundaries is unwittingly crossed from platonic friendship into something more… So in my opinion, an EA can happen unintentionally (I don’t say this is always the case) but a PA is intentionally since clothes can’t get removed by themselves! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When a friendship with someone develops to a deeper level and you realize you’re involved in an EA, you still have the choice to stop it before it develop any further, but if you let the EA develops into an PA any way, you know what you're doing wrong… For me personally, having sexual intercourse with someone is the worst form of betrayal I can imagine...especially if it’s a ONS or visit to prostitutes where there is not emotional connection with the person… I mean I can’t imagine how it’s possible to have the most intimate act on this planet (the act of sex) while having NO feelings for that person at all. I think a person must be very emotionless and superficial to be able to do this…I mean, I don’t know how people can just have sex to satisfy their animal instinct (having an ONS with someone or visiting a prostitute). Maybe I don’t understand this because I’m a woman…I don’t know. IMO, sex is the time when you feel the most vulnerable and exposed than ever and the time you have the less control over your faculties and responses. How can you share this intimate act with someone while having no emotional intimacy or connection with that person at all? Difficult for me to understand...

However, I agree that in general it's more difficult for woman (both BS and WS) to recover from the emotional side of an affair than for men. From what I've read on these boards, an EA is worse for woman and a PA for men.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth.

Suzet

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 03:20 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

While I think an PA would have been harder
for me to forgive, the EA my W had was still
tough on me.

We have not been affectionate for years. The
sex was great but not very often. I had
tried many times to be affectionate but was
nearly always rejected. Over time, I just gave up trying (BIG MISTAKE).

What hurt most was how quickly W fell "In Love"
with the OM. Luckly he ended it before it went
further. In a way, I am more jealous of his
ability to have an emotional bond with my W
then if they had just had sex.

It is something I am now working very hard to
re-establish with my W.

My H had a long-term EA, off and on for 8 years with the same OW (with breaks in between of more than two years). To me the EA was very painful since my H shared everything with this woman; she was the light of his day; his confidante, advisor and he was the same of her. That why it was so difficult for him to let go even when I asked him that there had to be NC. He felt that he did not 'cheat' on me because there was no kissing, touching or intercourse. But there was some sexual talk and poems shared.

I think an EA can be very devastating to a marriage.

K.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> It can be worse in a way than a PA because they have less guilt. They feel it's clean, sweet, innocent. They couldn't help falling in love. It just happened.
GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">