I am confused if I should tell my family about my H's A. I told my mom that he left the house and said he didn't want to be married and didn't love me anymore but left it at that. SOmetimes at night I get really down and just want to call my mom and tell her what I am going through but don't know if that is such a good idea. I kknow if she knew she would nevr feel the same about H and I don't know how that would affect me. They don't live in the same state but do visit often. Does anybody have any advice on this? I thought of telling my H that they know but not really telling them.

Tell.

Hi Tree,

Just told my parent yesterday, it helped me but when I told my WW she really blew up and said that this was a total betrayal.

But it did help me.

BS (ME)33
WW 33
EA D-Day 7/28/04
Still in same house
WW still in same Job where EA started.
PLAN A 7/31/04

Heck yes, tell them! They are your parents, they need to know this. And you need the support. And be sure and tell your H that you have told them.

I just don't know if I can or not. I don't know if I have the courage to tell them. My mom will be so hurt and I don't know what my dad will do. I just don't know!!!!!!!!

Tree, if I were your mother, I would be DEEPLY HURT if you didn't tell me. You are her KID, Tree, she will want to know and she will want to help you.

U should tell them. It will make u feel better. The first time I went thru this, all my friends and family were told. When she came back, my family was eventually able to be ok with her. It took awhile. Funny, my mom was even ok with her eventually after she cheated on me with my brother. Well, thats not really funny. My family is really caring and compassionate.

Thanks for the advice! I'm going to sleep on this one tonight. I kow my mom would want to help me! I just don't know how to tell her. She's so worried about me right now.
My H just left a few min. ago and he gave our son a kiss and hug goodbye and acted like he wanted to hug me but didn't. I just said "bye". I really don't even know how to act. He told me last night that all my efforts aren't working. What do I do?????

TR, they will be a little hurt you didn't say something sooner, but not enough for it to matter. Let your parents be your parents. It is unfair to them not to tell. To hell with what they think of your H! Worry about that later. If you forgive him, they probably will too.

GC

You need to do what is best for you.

When I found out about my W having an EA, I
called my Brother. My parents know my marriage
is in crisis but I have not told them about
the EA. I was lucky compared to most. My
wife seems willing to help me repair our
relationship.

Telling the family can be helpful to you or
it could lead to problems in the healing
process.

Do what you feel is best but do not worry about
what your WS thinks about it.

I would tell. You need the support of those close to you right now.

I'm not all that close with my mom, and I don't even remember how I told her about WH's A. I think it all just came blurting out.

She is very disappointed in him. She questions why I am waiting. But yet she also admits she still loves him.

If something positive happened and I decided I'd take him back, they would support me in my decision.

I agree with everyone else. Stop worrying about what they're going to think of WH and just tell them.

LL

IMHO if you don't believe that your mother could forgive your H don't tell her. It makes recovery very difficult.

Tell the people who can influence the end of the affair. His parents for instance. His siblings etc.

If the affair is over, don't tell additional people. The exception is the OW's husband. TRell him immediately if you haven't already.

If you're feeling down go to a counselor. Do you have a good frmale friend that you trust to confide in? Are you on anti-depressants?

Sometimes WS find excuses and rationalizations for not returning to the marriage. They do this bc of the extreme guilt. Telling people who aren't able to forgive is one more reason for a WS not to return.

Mac

Thank you all for the advice! I'm still not sure what I want to do. My dad is having surgery today so I will definitley not be telling my parents at least for a little while. I do plan on telling his parents this weekend if they do't already know. I just feel like people will look at my like I'm a fool for putting up with it.
I will do what I think is best. I guess that's all I can do!

Hey there TR,
Telling your parents is a personal decision. It's got up sides and down sides.

In my case, my Mom passed on 11 years ago. My Dad, had an A when I was young, but I was old enough to remember it happening.

I told my Dad, he forgave my H, and supported our recovery. Even when I was sure H was gone for good, my Dad was convinced he would be back. He's glad we're doing well, but is sad that I'll carry this for the rest of my life. He knows how my Mom did, and when she passed on, he felt he was not given enough time to make up for what he did to her.

My whole family knows. They have all forgiven him, and welcome him with open arms.

Only YOU, know your family. Worry about your parents, not how H will react.

As for anything you're doing not working, you should have asked for specifics, maybe there is something he's trying to tell you, but he doesn't even know it yet.

The choice is still in HIM, he can't wait for a miracle from YOU to open his eyes.

Stay in Plan A, steady as you go.

Thank you betrayed!
I am just so confused about weather or not to tell my parents. I guess when and if I feel it is right I will let it all out.
I'm trying so hard to be strong. When I wake up in the morning I feel overwhelmingly sad. It's like as soon as my eyes open I'm hit with a brick wall. I think the mornings are the worst for me. I wake up and realize..I'm alone! I feel so lonely and abandoned. Will this ever go away???
My H sends me emails and they are just too hard to read. He says things like..."I love you but not in the capacity of a husband". Then in the next breathe it's "I do love you and want you to be happy". It just makes no sense to me. He says he wants to create a void for me in his heart and needs to find a way to bring the spark back.
I don't know if there is anything I can do to help that? Is there? What can I do???

Ask him.
Period.
Ask him to fill out the EN Questionnaire.
Ask him what he's missing.
Ask him to tell you what he wants in a wife.
Ask him how you've not met that requirement.
Put something on him.
Stop trying to figure this all out yourself.
You're trying to think logically with a chaotic situation.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
And if you pose some of these questions to him, I bet you anything a lot of his answers will be I DON'T KNOW.
Time for you to pull back a little.
You can't keep "reacting" to what he says, does, or doesn't say or do.
You have to be in control of you.
Remember, he's lost right now.
If your lost too, how will he find his way home ?
Strong, independant, steady as a rock.
You can do this, I know you can.
Stop giving him all the control.
Time for you to take the wheel.

I have asked him what needs weren't being met and he says we just don't meet in the minds and he has no respect for me other than a good wife and mother. He wants me to be a career woman and I'm not. My family has always come first with me and I stopped working to spend the summer with our son.
I am a good person and don't know what more he could ask for. I told him that we can work on this and get past it all in time and he just says "maybe I never loved you and maybe I don't enjoy married life." I just don't know what more to do!!!

Tree,
Who do you tell? I would tell anyone who you could trust to keep the matter private between you and them and if that person will support your effort to save your M. In my case, I chose not to tell my parents. I could not trust my mother to keep the matter private and my father has a very unforgiving spirit. I came close to telling my brother because he fit my criteria. Also, there was one other friend I would have told if things got worse. He too fit my criteria.

Why I chose not to tell? I felt as long as we were together and making any progress, I would hold out. It has been a year since dday and we are now making significant progress. I will caution you that the first 6 months were painful b/c progress was very slow. The next 5 months were good. The last month has been much better.
During that time there was sporadic contact, but with each contact came increasing guilt. As with any WS, contact does not end until they decide to end it. Guilt is a big factor and I did not try to make my W feel guilty, it was self imposed.

We are not where I want to be yet, but we are becoming closer. The intimacy is returning and I know this recovery process takes a long time. You have to try to think long term. He is going back and forth in a very noncommital way. My W always said she could not make any promises. When there is 3 to 4 weeks of NC, you will see some improvement over the next 6 months.

If you read SAA, Harley states that almost all affairs end and that it can take up to two years in extreme cases. If you choose to do so, you need to hang in there as long as possible if you want to save your M. Right now you are the only one who is committed to saving it. He is not and still in a state of emotional confusion. So the M is on your shoulders. You are the strong one in your M right now.

I know you feel very lonely and understand that feeling of defeat when you wake up. Will it ever end? Yes it will! The longer you endure this, the stronger you will become. At some point you will regain your confidence. You are doing the right thing. You cannot change your H, but you can influence him. When you feel rejected, reach out to him, not in a needy way, but in a way that says your are committed to the M.

It is encouraging to hear that he wants to "find that spark". Hold onto that, it is a glimmer of hope. The romantic feelings come last. My W was skeptical about those feelings returning. I can say that she is no longer skeptical as I see more and more signs that the romance is coming back.

Remember that every recovery is different and some take longer than others. You can do this and you will become a better person no matter what the outcome. Be the best wife and friend you can be and try not to pressure your H into loving you again. That will not work. What works is time and patience and a consistant loving behavior. My W used to tell me to relax and let it happen. I suggest the same for you.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Roman...thank yo uso much for your reply. It really helped me. There are some days that I do feel stronger. I try to hold on to that. There is something deep down in my soul that tells me to hang on becasue my H does love me. Maybe he doesn't see that right now but I know it in my heart. I would do anything for that man.
I do want so badly to save my M and am willing to wait. My H did say that if I truly loved him that I would wait and if it's meant to be it will be. I guess he just nees time to figure things out. I am willing to give him that...in the meantime I willhave to find a way to deal with all the pain and hurt and try to turn it inot a posistve thing. I'm not a very forgiving person so this is a chanllenge for me.
My mother is also not a forgiving person so that is why I hesitate to tell her. I do have a good firend that I can confide in so maybe I will do that and try my best not to involve my family.
Thank yo so much...I'm trying my best!!!!

Hi there. I feel in such a similar position. My WH has said all those things to me. It is 6 months since I discovered his infidelity yet it is still foremost in my mind. I'm not sure I can ever get past it. I feel like he doesn't deserve the lovely family he has. He really has 3 lovely kids and I too feel like I am a 'good' person, doing my best for my family and yet he wanted something else. How dare he.

As for telling, I have confided in my sister and a couple of friends. My dilemma is that I live so far away from my parents. There is nothing they can do for me. I KNOW they will encourage me to leave him. He has poor health and will be a terrible liability in a few years (kidney failure). Yet I feel I married him for better or worse. I think I feel almost sinful for thinking of leaving despite his poor behaviour. Leaving him will mean moving half-way round the world. We cannot stay in Asia as expats without his financial support. My mum will be so worried by everything. She is a 'low' person and will cry rivers over this. Feel like I am protecting her yet would hate my own daughters to do this to me. It is a terrible situation and I still can't believe we are in it. In theory we are together but my heart is just not in it and I feel like I wanted him back to prove I could get him. If I have rambled I'm sorry but haven't posted for ages. Your post just tugged at my heartstrings!